A New Sybil's Tour-ette at LaGuardia... and we're off to Minneapolis. 3/11/2019

… Is Minneapolis becoming my second home?… Paging Mary Richards!

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Springtime Weddings from Here & There!"... Perrysburg, Ohio.

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The wedding of Elizabeth Hale Hampton; The theme of the wedding had been decided as "A Midsummer Night's Dream" where all the bridesmaids and attendants would be dressed as fairies, butterflies, and moths. Sadly, Ms. Hampton's Uncle Ned, who had recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, crop-dusted the ceremony. The evening news reported seven dead, and thirteen in critical condition, including the bride and groom.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Springtime Weddings from Here & There!"... Las Vegas, NV.

The wedding of Carla-Marie Fiorentino; Carla-Marie’s father Big-Gino was a big-wig in the casino world and had major ties to the underworld. She wanted some big-name entertainment at the reception and dinner, so Gino put the pressure on Dean Martin, Sammy Davis, Jr. and of course, Frank Sinatra. Yep! That’s Mrs. Sinatra over there on the right... and none too happy.

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “A DEBBIE DOWNER ALERT”... even at Holiday Time!

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Do you have a Debbie Downer on your Facebook page? I do.. Even at Holiday Time!!!! They just look at your photos but don’t read the story and then make stupid or redundant statements! Or they “help” rewrite your story in their comments never having written a story themselves; they snark about this or that on YOUR posts but never offer anything of interest on their own pages; tell you how wrinkled, old, fat, or ugly you are while looking like Jabba The Hutt themselves; …Oh, the list goes on and on! And so, in the spirit of Holiday merry-making and cheer, I’m posting some of my very favorite comments that I’ve gotten THIS past year! Sadly, there’s only room for ten, but OH how I could fill the room! If nothing else, Debbie Downer is prolific!….

-1) "Sybil, dear, technically nutmeg is also a fruit and should never be given to children because of its hallucinogenic qualities. You're thoughtless... and should be arrested!"

- 2) "Have you ever considered what would have happened had Tiny Tim been a Buddhist and believed in his own reincarnation?"

- 3) "Some readers may not realize that you're making a joke about plum pudding because they have been injured in a fiery dessert catastrophe. I don't think being burned by a pudding is funny. I feel sorry for you."

- 4) "That is Alistair Sim as Scrooge... but I like Reginald Owen... or is it Reginald Gardner?.... or is it Reginald Marsh?"...

- 5) "I have an allergy to cranberries and popcorn but I CAN eat the string. I like eating string, thread, and angel hair spaghetti. Heck, I like eating hair, period!"

- 6) "Isn't it funny? Holly is very poisonous! So is mistletoe! Very Poisonous! And poinsettias are very poisonous....technically, everything about Christmas is very poisonous. That's why I hate Santa Claus! And I told him so at Macy's...right before I slugged him."

- 7) "I got coal in my stocking one year, and I heated my washing machine box in the alley for a week. I was warm... but I had to eat my cat... and my box finally caught fire."

- 8) "Why a miracle on 34th Street....and which one too? East 34th or West 34th? I waited for three hours on East 34th and 2nd Avenue, and nothing happened....until a bus splashed me with mud."....

- 9) "I almost hit a reindeer once....but I was on my sled and it ran away. I was scared and cried and cried.... I was 37 at the time."

- 10) "Sybil...I do a one-woman show of the nativity scene and I play all the parts, including the shepherds, the stable owner and his wife, the three wise men and Mary, Joseph, and the blesséd Christ-child. My favorite part though is getting on all fours and making animal sounds and pretending I live in a barn! Oh, and for that part, I take off all my clothes.”… Yup!


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Breaking News from the CNN News Desk:... a new crop of Democratic candidates for POTUS

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A growing field of potential Democratic presidential candidates has now brought the number to 314 as of this week. In just the last week, these nine have registered their names with the nomination board.

Top row (l. to r.)

1) State Senator Jillian Tynan; entering as a champion of the Narcolepsy Activation Front, empowering all people who suffer from unexpected sleepiness or even boredom. "Equal Pay For the Asleep AND the Awake! NOW!!"

2) Town Comptroller Patty Kampus; centrist conciliator from the Empathy Lobby, interested in seeing BOTH sides of every argument, simultaneously... and being able to discuss it all in two different voices at the same time. (will definitely need a special detail of security personnel if elected to keep her from walking into walls)

3) Phyllis Buskin, political socialite, whose entire proposed campaign will be based on air-pollution. Tomkin is the heiress to the Buskin Baked Bean fortune and has spent millions of dollars on the possible discovery of a “gasless baked bean”. Barring that, she is now very invested with the Prince Matchabelli company in a bean that might produce flatulence along the lines of Wind Song… or Poof!

Middle row (l. to r.)

4) Edna Marie Calendula; (possibly 112 years old). Edna has had no experience in politics but is the great- great-grandmother of one hundred and eighty-nine descendants, and figures that if she could make nourishing lunches for that many people in four generations she should be able to do something about inflation, environmental breakdown, and deepening political schisms all on a typical housewife's budget... and still not sacrifice vitamins, minerals, and old-fashioned common sense.

5) Former Mayor of Kotter's Falls, Idaho, Kirk Flant; record-holder of surviving more lightning strikes than anyone in history, Kirk’s “green” campaign cause is the promotion of a sustainable world for our children. Bathing only in the rain, and encouraging people to generate their own electricity by standing under trees or near flag poles are two of his groundbreaking ideas. Not for the faint of heart.

6) School Superintendent Felipe Charmont; Francophile and Three Musketeers re-enactor, Charmont suggests that education is the most important issue for the next century. He states that all public and private schools should require students from pre-K to college graduates should be in period costumes and should go out into the world and live as the culture and in the language of their choice. At all costs, contemporary American culture should be shunned… and eliminated. His favorite milieu?... Versailles in the 1730s… or perhaps the Neanderthal caverns in Lascaux, complete with his own flint spear and bear pelt… cut on the bias, of course!

Bottom row (l. to r.)

7) Water Commissioner Garren Hockweiler; a former chronic depression sufferer, he has made his entire platform the “Mission of Mirth”. All of his public appearances have been accompanied by deafening recordings of hysterical laughing played so loudly that they drown out his actual speeches. In print, he claims that “words are the enemy of joy, especially when they deal with depressing things like facts”. His promise to his constituents is that his presidency will be “fact-free”… but FUN!

8) Hong Chow Gung, city council member and restauranteur. Hong is very concerned in the growing epidemic of allergies. Suffering himself from over fifty-three separate airborne, food-borne, and contact allergies, he has turned his own restaurant, The Sneezing Lily, into an amateur laboratory with MSG ice cream, ground pepper aerosols, fiber-glass napkins and table cloths, and cat-dander dumplings. His customers have reported improvements in their allergy sensitivities… that is the ones who haven’t died.

9) Columnist Joselle Hampdour; pundit and newscaster known for her huge following both in print and on air. Her position as a harsh critic of any and every political idea has earned her the title of Snarker-In-Chief. Interestingly, she won the Miss INcongeniality title in the Miss America contest of 2013. Her talent was onstage taxidermy of her beloved cocker spaniel during the broadcast.

Film at 6. Thirty-five new hopefuls at 11.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Haute Couture On This Day In History!"... March 7, 1868.

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With the end of the Civil War, fashions reflected the enormous relief that Americans felt with peace, prosperity, and a return to "the good life". With people no longer having to hoard food, household goods, and basic necessities, there began an age of luxuries both in household design and in the clothes that people wore, and this was most evident in a shocking fashion phenomenon... FOR MEN! The appalling death toll among Civil War soldiers on both sides resulted in a post-war turning away from the military and preconceived notions of "manhood" and virility. Tobacco use and the consumption of hard liquors among men fell dramatically, replaced by perfume distilling and afternoons of teas, scones, and elderberry sherry. Traditional boy's sports fell out of favor in academies and were replaced with entire semesters devoted to needlework, kitchen arts, and interpretive dance... sometimes with beribboned hoops or garlands of flowers. And men's more conservative suiting and formal wear gave way to the latest fabulous fashions from Paris; full skirts, lace adornments, flowery prints on glamorous fabrics, and more flattering and festive silhouettes. And there was always room for a stylish little purse to carry one’s chewing tobacco. Of course, a man still wanted to keep his handsome side-whiskers... just to let the ladies remember "who the man was"!

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Let's Ask Sybil... Lobbies?…

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Dear Mummie, Lobbies? Lobby-ists? Lobby-estros? Can you tell us who all these people are milling about in hallways, elevators, public places; shaking hands, waving hands, putting their hands in their pockets... and then putting their hands in OTHER people's pockets? Thanks, Pete!

Dear Pete, Who can say? Here's a case in point! Look closely at this photo, and please read the following answers. You select the correct one:

a) These are two aluminum siding salesmen who are at the ABSOLUTELY ALUMINUM WORLD'S FAIR in Wauseon, Ohio. They are just leaving the "Aluminum Foil Fashion Pavilion" where they've purchased an assortment of reusable and recyclable aluminum négligées for their wives... or out-of-town-girlfriends.

b) These are two fraternity brothers from Beta Eta Theta who have come to their 25th reunion where the opening mixer for the weekend is a frosting-eating contest off of the nude bodies of the Ukrainian flight attendants on another floor.

c) These are two hotel guests hurrying to blind dates just arranged over an internet dating service on their laptops. One of the men is named Terry, and the other is Chris. Sadly, both Terry and Chris can be either men's names... or WOMEN'S!!! Comedy ensues in the fifth floor gentlemen's, shall-we-say, "lounge"!!!!

d) These are two former members of the military who are now retired. Sadly, the one on the left talks to himself frequently, and quite loudly, about very tiny flying saucers in his shoes, and the man on the right has just taken his 43rd selfie of the day and is furious that his rosacea still shows... even after retouching!

e) These are two Log Cabin Republicans. They haven't met yet, but will in just a few minutes near the punch bowl at the Gay & Girlish Gala in the James Buchanan Ballroom. They will marry in a year, and raise llamas in Wisconsin for their luxury sweater boutique.

f) These are two married men from opposite coasts of the country. They and about 80 other men gather every 3 months or so for secret poker championships where expensive bourbon and cigars are served and no wives are allowed. The stakes for the poker games are extremely high... and why not? It's the International Strip Poker Olympics.

g) These are two women who have successfully disguised themselves to spy on their husbands who have slipped out of town for the umpteenth time for some sort of convention. They will get past the reception table and into the ballroom, but will have quite a surprise when they sit down to play poker... and lose several hands. Comedy ensues when they run out of chips.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Aren’t People Interesting!"... Chapter 17.

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...Biff and Scott had a hobby that the other boys at Rutgers didn't quite understand! Still, both boys had been stars of both the rugby AND lacrosse teams, even as incoming freshmen, known for their ferocity and endurance both ON and OFF the field.... (and especially in the locker room showers!!) None of the other college men dared to tease them! In fact, Biff and Scott got lots of nice little presents from their teammates including expensive perfumes, lovely corsages, and tasteful brooches at season's end!! ... they particularly appreciated a fine pair of hose... so to speak...

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