... from Sybil Bruncheon's "Easter EGGS-traordinaries!"... Holiday Party Planning?

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Hello, Friends! You know, at this very festive time of the year, you can make your Holiday celebration extra-special!...with your very own Celebrity Host or Hostess at your family gathering! Imagine bringing out that baked ham and all the delicious courses and side dishes while a famous person from the glamorous world of entertainment hops around the banquet table making funny faces, telling knock-knock jokes, and poking Aunt Geraldine in her pitoobies!! Well, all that merriment can be yours because there are so many famous people looking for work right now... and they want to make YOUR holiday special! Just let our team of professionals help you with decorations, desserts, dance music, festive and revealing costumes, unusual party games, surprising pranks, a dunk-the-clown booth, and even piñatas! That's right! How about "Easter-South-Of-the-Border"?....or "Easter-In-A-Loony-Bin"??? Call today for your free consultation! Just dial N-U-T-Z-B-A-S-K-E-T.... that's right, dial 688-022-7538. The nice man will tell you how to order!

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The END OF THE WORLD? Are the signs everywhere?... YOU DECIDE!!!

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Predictions of “The Rapture”, ‘The End of Days”, and “The Second Coming” are swirling around the world right now with spiritualists and scientists looking for clues in the stars, in the history books, and even in their tea leaves. Although April 23rd has been mentioned in some circles, there have been several other suggestions as to what we might look for as a true sign of the beginning of Armageddon…

1) Mrs. Greta Hibernette of Wauseon, Ohio claims that her prize-winning goat told her over breakfast that the end of the world would come when Flossie, her Guernsey cow would stop giving milk and would instead produce Long Island Ice Teas… complete with lemon wedges and little paper umbrellas. Mrs. Hibernette assures the police, the city council, and the local 4H Club that she will keep them posted once her hangover passes.

2) The Ladies Quilting Club of Kalamazoo realized to their horror that a gigantic quilt they had all been struggling over for three months revealed a terrible visual when lifted and viewed in a mirror. Instead of a fanciful Rand McNally map of Michigan with animals, vegetables, fruits, and historical sites of interest, the mirror image showed a leering figure of Satan drooling and presenting his hind-parts “in flagrante delicto”! The Upper Peninsula was particularly offensive!

3) Hector Mystar reports to the local police station in Delmonico, New York, that he had opened a can of Pringles potato crisps. Instead of finding the expected stack of identically curved and stacked chips, he found a jumble of crumbs and bits. When he poured them out on his kitchen table in disgust, they tumbled exactly into the shape of the Shroud of Turin. He was amazed and deeply moved at the spectacle until the face of the Savior yelled, “Bite My Taters” in Latvian. Mr. Mystar was severely frightened, and he told the police that he didn’t even speak Latvian… nor has he ever heard it before.

4) The Birds Of Paradise pet store in Fullerbeth, Wyoming specializes in parrots, parakeets, cockatoos, and even toucans. One toucan in particular has begun to make overt passes at a cockatoo. Inter-species sexuality, though not unheard of, is frowned on in respectable circles. In addition to the shock of seeing the two birds behaving this way, even in front of children visiting the store, there was the bad news that any offspring from such a union might technically have to be called a “Touca-Too”. The good news turned out to be that the birds were discovered to both be males… although a gigantic “Satan Is Coming” was glued on the front window of the shop in about 40 lbs. of Froot Loops.

5) Bernice Funge of Marquette, Idaho claims that an acorn squash weighing 24 pounds was raised in a Christian Louboutin shoe box without the benefit of sunlight, water, French lessons, or seamless nylons... Ms. Funge says that she will feature the squash at her vegetable stand at the end of her driveway. Under no circumstances will she sell the squash, but she will dress it in attractive and modest ways, and feature it as Queen Esther, the Blesséd Virgin, and Eleanor Roosevelt in various uplifting dioramas titled, “Women Who Saved The World”.

6) 11 year old Bobby McGinty of Zeeville, Arkansas has reported that the guppies in his fish tank have begun swimming in formations repeatedly spelling out the names of US presidents and then the word “Chthulu”… His parents think he said, “Chthulu”, but then again stated that he has a terrible speech impediment and may have been asking for chewing gum.

7) A two-headed llama was born at the Pet-Me-Poppa Petting Zoo in Collinsville, Iowa. At three years of age it began to hold a debate with itself over which was better, Feta or Brie? Though being a llama, it spoke with a Greek accent… or possibly Belgian… it also requested Campari and soda in its trough before dinner time… but with limes.

8) Mrs. Frida Gumm, an 89 year-old stay-at-home chef from Tacoma claimed that she was planning to write a cookbook based totally on recipes for toenails... with recommendations for corresponding wines ……Pillsbury is trying to buy the option!... but The Church of The Unholy Hibachi is still trying to outbid them.

9) The Jesperson High School band in Franconia, Delaware had been a national prize-winner for several years, and even featured in an unbroken record number of thirteen consecutive times in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Suddenly this past week, as they practiced their tribute Scott Joplin and Justin Bieber, all their music came out as an unintelligible jumble. No matter how many times they attempted to start again, nothing worked. Mrs. Gertrude Edelin passing the rehearsal hall stopped and listened, and suggested they record it all… and then play it backward. Sure enough, they heard a voice saying, “Paul is dead”, “Yellow submarine”, “I wanna hold your paw”, and “Your mother sucks cucumber in Akron”… Mr. Dotrice, the band teacher, has decided to stick strictly to John Phillip Sousa marches and only on harmonicas.

10) Zeppeldorf’s Kosher Bakery on 2nd Avenue and East 6th Street in Manhattan has been producing hamentaschen for over a hundred years in the traditional flavors of prune, apricot, raspberry, and poppy seed. Inexplicably, their latest batch came out of the ovens with flavors of crab grass/lint, ketchup/shoe lace, wasabi/nail polish, and Silly Putty. Local rabbis are dumbfounded, concerned, and too agitated to safely perform a bris till further notice.

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... from Sybil Bruncheon's "EASTER EGGS-traordinaries”... behind the MacGregor house...

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"Ok, Flopsy, you break into the Clemson's! Take all the silver, and don't forget the hidden compartment in the hutch! They've got some Georgian stuff in there that's worth a fortune! Mopsy, you get the Fearson's and grab the two Picassos and the Warhol!... and you, Fred! Kick in the back door at the MacGregors... empty the vegetable crisper of every goddam carrot and any other roughage you can find! And if MacGregor bursts in on you??... kill him if you have to!... KILL ALL OF THEM!... but whatever you do, don’t forget the bib lettuce!"...

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A New Sybil's "WHO'Z DAT?"... FLORENCE BATES (April 15, 1888 – January 31, 1954)

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Darlings! Mummy has made a decision! After reading dozens of posts and having hundreds of conversations with well-meaning folks who just don't know about the great "character" actors who gave films the depth and genius that surrounded and supported the so-called "stars", I am going to periodically post a regular, special entry called "SYBIL'S WHO'Z DAT?"....there'll be photos and a mini-bio, and the next time you see one of those familiar, fabulous faces that you just "can't quite place", well maybe these posts will help. Some of these actors worked more, had longer and broader careers, and ended up happier, more loved, and even wealthier than the "stars" that the public "worships". (I think there may be a metaphor in that! What do you think???). And here is one of my very favorite actresses of all time. Even in the smallest roles or briefest appearances on screen, she shines, NO!! BLAZES! And many of her fellow actors almost need to shield their eyes when she steals the scene! She started late as careers go, but wasted no time becoming one of Hollywood’s most memorable “grande dames”! She’s Florence Bates (April 15, 1888,- January 31, 1954)

Born Florence Rabe (pronounced “Robbie”) in San Antonio, Texas, the second child of Jewish immigrants, Bates showed musical talent as a child, but a hand injury inhibited her from continuing her piano studies as her mother had hoped. Very bright and getting excellent grades in school, she went on to college and in 1906, graduated from the University of Texas at Austin with a degree in mathematics, after which she began her career in teaching and social work.

In 1909, she met and married her first husband and gave up her career to raise their daughter, Mimi. Always a voracious reader, she became interested in a friend’s library of law books, and read his entire collection. When her marriage eventually ended in divorce, she began, with the encouragement of her lawyer friend, to study law and, in 1914 at the age of 26, passed the bar examination. She holds the distinction of being the first female lawyer in her home state of Texas, where she practiced for four years in San Antonio.

After the death of her parents, Bates left the legal profession to help her sister operate their father's antique business. She traveled extensively around the country and especially to Europe to acquire more stock for the shop, where she became fairly fluent in other languages. Being bilingual completely (English-Spanish) she also became a radio commentator in San Antonio whose program was designed to foster good relations between the United States and Mexico. In 1929, following the stock market crash and the death of her sister, Florence closed the antique shop and married a wealthy oilman, William F. Jacoby. Unfortunately, as the Depression deepened, Jacoby eventually went bankrupt in the oil business, and the couple moved to California in the late 1930's, briefly becoming proprietors of a bakery, which was successful.

At this time, Florence, a heavy-set woman of matronly appearance and well into her middle age, developed an interest in acting and auditioned for the part of Miss Bates in the Pasadena Playhouse production of Jane Austen's “Emma”. This proved to be a momentous career choice. Her popularity became such, that she went on to leading roles with the same company, changing her name from Florence “Rabe” to Florence “Bates” as a nod to her perceived good fortune. In 1939, she was introduced to Alfred Hitchcock, and through a fluke, auditioned for him. Her screen test convinced him to cast her in her first major screen role, the vain dowager Mrs. Van Hopper, in REBECCA (1940). Her excellent performance was the first in a collection of memorable characters: wealthy socialites, henpecking wives, irritable hotel managers, pushy theatre owners, and gossipy landladies, and she would go on to act opposite the greatest and most established stars in Hollywood. Bates appeared in more than 60 films over the course of the next 13 years. Among her cinema credits are KITTY FOYLE, LOVE CRAZY, THE MOON AND SIXPENCE, MR. LUCKY, HEAVEN CAN WAIT, LULLABY OF BROADWAY, MISTER BIG, SINCE YOU WENT AWAY, KISMET, SARATOGA TRUNK, THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY, WINTER MEETING, I REMEMBER MAMA, PORTRAIT OF JENNIE, A LETTER TO THREE WIVES, ON THE TOWN, and LES MISÉRABLES.

Because of her versatility, she appeared in dramas, comedies, and even musicals. And as Hollywood began to focus on the new medium of television in the 1950s, she made guest appearances on “I Love Lucy”, “My Little Margie”, “I Married Joan”, and “Our Miss Brooks”, and had a regular role on “The Hank McCune Show”. Through her career, Bates was known as witty , warm, a wonderful hostess, and for the fact that she never went to any set or studio without her knitting. She had only one daughter, Miriam Rose Rabe Ramer Oppenheimer (1911-1937), but was survived by her granddaughter and great granddaughter. Florence Bates is buried in Forest Lawn Memorial Park, Glendale, Los Angeles with a modest stone marking her grave. But for her many fans around the world, that voice, that face, her commanding carriage, and onscreen presence make her unforgettable, luminescent, iconic.... a Star!!! 

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Tour-ette in the King of Prussia Mall... and look! A CELEBRITY!… 4/10/2019

… along the “bunny trail”!

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Your Gay Credentials"!!... Quiz #631...

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Yes, folks, many people today think they are adequately gay, but let's be honest, in these days of self-indulgent, entitled, babbling millennials who know nearly nothing about their heritage or culture, can anyone really be GAY ENOUGH? In an attempt to correct some of this cultural bankruptcy and general ignorance, we have created a quiz which allows YOU to know exactly!... ARE YOU GAY ENOUGH?

Take a close look at these photos; it's not enough to know they are scenes from THE WOMEN (1939) with its star-studded cast. Your gay credentials will be "in order" if you can correctly match the right scenario to the correct photo.

a) In a strange fantasy sequence, Mary as Marie Antoinette consults a fortune teller/space alien named The Insatiable Vajeen played by Crystal. Mary asks if the négligée she’s considering to buy is “Wash ‘n’ Wear”… Vajeen says they don’t wear négligées on Uranus.

b) Sylvia has sprained her wrists in a bizarre MahJong marathon in Boca Raton… she goes to the Fragrance & Pharmaceuticals Dept. at Black’s to buy some Icy-Hot and some Preparation H. Sadly, she confuses them that night. Much laughter ensues.

c) Mary has decided to try a gluten-free diet and wonders if Lady Fingers count.

d) In a “dream sequence”, Mary is confronted by the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Yet-To-Come. The scene is cut and tried out on George Bailey with even less success…

e) The Countess decides that, after twenty different diet attempts to lose weight, she will now go on the Earl Grey Diet. She has been told to consume highly caffeinated tea from dawn till bedtime. Miriam has fooled her into thinking she’s supposed to EAT the tea, not drink it.

f) Sylvia drops in on Crystal and says, yes!... the new bathroom phone DOES let you listen to farts underwater.
(Correct answers can be found on page 184 in the new issue of Jack & Jill Magazine, right after the What Doesn’t Belong in The Gas Chamber puzzle.)

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Tour-ette in Boston's North End... dinner DELISH!… 4/5/2019

… Italian restaurants for as far as the eye can see!!

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Your Gay Credentials"!!... Quiz #722...

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Yes, folks, many people think they are adequately gay, but let's be honest, in these days of self-indulgent, entitled, babbling millennials who know nearly nothing about their heritage or culture, can anyone really be GAY ENOUGH? In an attempt to correct some of this cultural bankruptcy and general ignorance, we have created a quiz which allows YOU to know exactly... ARE YOU GAY ENOUGH?

Take a close look at this photo; it's not enough to know that that is Joan Crawford and Bette Davis. It's not enough to know that they played faded movie stars Blanche and Jane Hudson. It's not enough to know that the scene is from WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE? (1962). Your gay credentials will be "in order" if you can correctly answer the following multiple-choice question.

a) The photo is of Jane realizing she has not packed SPF 50 for Blanche whose very name symbolizes her "whiteness" and consequently both her innocence and her tendency to burn.

b) This is the moment that Blanche reminds Jane that it's Election Day, and they should pack up their picnic and get to the polls to vote for that nice Mayor Pete fellow with the naughty last name.

c) Here Jane realizes that the strawberry ice cream she just gave Blanche is having the same effect as it would have on Shelby in STEEL MAGNOLIAS!... but she's still not sure what's in the hypodermic needle.

d) Jane just remembered that she left the door on Sweetsie's bird cage wide open back home... (but she did it sort of accidentally on purpose).

e) Blanche is asking if Jane gave their nice cleaning lady Elvira the day off... Jane says, yes... permanently.

f) Jane is wondering how much they may owe Johnson's Laughter & Liquor Lounge and Emporium, and if she can get enough rum for the piña coladas for her come-back party over at Norma Desmond's.

g) Blanche is asking if their shares of Pepsi-Cola split during the stock market surge that week. Jane says, "PEPSI-cola? I thought you wanted me to buy COCA-COLA!"...

h) Blanche and Jane are realizing the "three hour tour" they booked with Ginger Grant, Mr. and Mrs. Howell, and some jerk named Gilligan is going to be a little more complicated than they thought. 

i) The Hudson sisters just found out they're only getting a "quarter-share" for the $20,000 they spent on a Summer rental on Fire Island in the Pines.

j) Blanche is telling Jane that their gynecologist, Dr. Shelby is actually the same man who used to play strip poker with their father while Baby Jane was onstage in Vaudeville doing four shows a day in a pinafore... Jane says, she knows. She has the photos.

k) Jane has started her harmonica lessons but still can't play "Oh, Danny Boy" or "White Wedding" for Blanche. 

l) Jane is afraid to tell Blanche that the eye brow pencil she used on her sister wasn't a new waterproof one from L'Oreal... it was a laundry marker she found in the telephone table.

(Correct answers can be found on page 112 in the new issue of Highlights Magazine, right after the Connect-The-Dots puzzle to find the naked picture of Milton Berle)

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Origins Of Popular Phrases--- The Gleaming Gloat"

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... um... I drove a 1936 gleaming Gloat for a few months! A convertible... and bright crimson red!.. to match my favorite lipstick. My contract at MGM had me making a walloping $40,000 a week for my musicals with the Nicholas Brothers, Eric Blore, Edward Everett Horton, John Payne, and Muriel the Society Hostess Chimpanzee. And then one night, after a drinking binge, I drove my Gloat convertible over the edge of Stardust Canyon just outside my mansion. I was only slightly injured, but the unmistakable smell of Prince Matchabelli on my breath (my martini of choice) and the spilled Maraschino cherries all over the front seat got me arrested for DWI. I threw myself on the mercy of the court! But I think it's because I threw up right afterwards that got me thrown in jail for ten days.... even though the judge said that my vomit smelled nice!... just like his grandmother…

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...from Sybil Bruncheon's "EASTER EGGS-traordinaries"... Poka-Ma-Hola, Idaho.

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As folks get ready for the Easter celebrations, many young ladies of style and refinement pay a visit to the local Beauty Parlor for a new Spring hair-do.....and that's just what's happening at the Mr. Nancy's Fine & Fancy Cut 'N' Couture Castle..... down on Merrybee and Main in the heart of town. Hiram Nancy, the founder and colorist, has continued his tradition of dressing up as the Easter Bunny and advising his clients on the new hues for each season over the last 37 years. And look who he has in his chair today! None other than little Felicia Trusedale, the new spelling bee champion and first runner up for the "Our Indian Heritage - Miss Pow WOW" title given last week at the Veteran's Palace of Fine and Interpretive Arts. Little Felicia had finished first in the Swimsuit competition (two-piece / 8 and under) and first in the talent competition (her talent was "How to Scalp a Barbie") but apparently froze up during the question and answer when she was asked "How do you say Nebuchadnezzar backwards?.. and use it in a compound declarative sentence!"...

Never a poor loser, little Felicia is seen here discussing the new auburn options to cover up her grey, especially at the temples! ...and just in time for her Elementary School Cotillion! She has her eyes on handsome dodge-ball champion, Richie Palinsack from the Our Lady of Constant Cataclysms Academy. Be home by midnight, you two Lovebirds!! ...and Mr. Nancy? Don't forget little Felicia's Tootsie-Roll Pop after her comb-out!!

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