Holiday Update: The truth about HARVEY!!!....
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Holiday Update! From the Police Gazette: Ronkonkoma, NY. It has been reported that the body of Mr. Elwood P. Dowd, who has been missing for three weeks, was found in a lettuce patch behind the home of a Mrs. Beatrice Poitier (possibly an alias!) on the corner of Lapin Lane and Cadbury Blvd. Although badly decomposed, the corpse showed forensics experts that Mr. Dowd had died violently, probably by animal attack and that the body was partially consumed, possibly while still alive! Authorities and civilians alike are extremely alarmed at this level of brutality, especially at Holiday time, and curfews have been set up in every township with extra security stationed around farmers' markets, salad bars, and pregnancy test displays. Police are now zeroing in on one particular acquaintance of Mr. Dowd's, a Mr. Harvey S. Púka. Although a drinking companion of many years, Mr. Púka has been unable to be found in any of his known haunts for questioning by authorities. It is NOT supposed that he too is a victim of foul play since he has been seen late at night in his usual top hat and tails carousing with both local "doorway hostesses" and handsome chorus boys from the less reputable theatres of interpretive dance along Veterans Memorial Highway.... Mr. Púka can be spotted easily: 8' 9", salt and pepper especially at the temples and on his ears, and walks with a slight limp from a missing left foot. Use caution when approaching him. He has shown an unnatural predilection for children, and may have developed adult onset diabetes. He likes to chew aluminum foil, has a very serious allergy to Easter basket plastic grass, and travels with the infamous Marsh Mallow gang whom he calls his "peeps".... they are all armed and extremely dangerous.....especially the "chicks"... A waitress at a local IHOP reported overhearing thinly veiled threats from Púka to his henchmen about "making some trouble over at the White House".... the FBI is now on full alert.....Stand by for further announcements...
Holiday Update! From the Police Gazette: Ronkonkoma, NY. Mrs. Veta Louise Simmons, elderly sister to the newly-confirmed deceased Elwood P. Dowd, was recently overheard at the very exclusive Cafe Conejo threatening her only daughter Myrtle Mae Simmons. The maitre'd reported the conversation as something like, "Now will you shut up?.... and if I tell you to lie, you'll do that too. I'm never going to suffer for you again! Not ever! Do you understand? .....now finish your rabbit enchilada!"..... Authorities now suspect that the death of Mr. Dowd, the disappearance of Harvey S. Púka, and the sudden wealth in the Simmons household may all be related to a much more elaborate and sinister scenario..... Mrs. Simmons has been seen sporting a new array of costume jewelry from the Trifari shop on Meadows Blvd. and a smart sweater set of angora from the Gefil Tefish Hefty-Highness Hide-Away in the Ladies Mile Shopping Center..... Stay tuned for further developments.
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