Gronklin, Missouri: A Miss Harriet Sneeden was admitted to the Gronklin Intensive Care Rehab Clinic for Substance Abuse By Elderly Persons Who Should Know Better. It seems that Harriet (a much beloved 3rd grade geography teacher for over 37 years) had finally succumbed to the temptations of oxycontin, crack cocaine, ghb, crystal meth, poppers, and secret super 8 films of the local high school football team in their locker room. An intervention was staged last Fall by her fellow gardening club members, and she was housed in the "incorrigible ward" at the clinic where she received daily psycho-therapy, specially designed diets, hydro and electro-convulsive therapy (sometimes at the same time!), and craft classes. Sadly, although Harriet showed definite signs of improvement and sobriety, her crocheting took on increasingly ominous aspects, and she was found just this morning nearly swallowed by a 400lb. "onesy" that had morphed into an entire sofa. The rescue workers who burst into her room were nearly blinded by the conflicting chevron patterns and her grotesque color choices… Two of the EMTs were temporarily blinded and suffered projectile vomiting and ringing in their ears. Miss Sneeden has been confined for an indeterminate amount of time in a grey flannel strait-jacket and a giant Maytag washing machine cardboard box with the flaps closed….
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