Dear Readers, Over the last several months, I have been widely traveling the country and meeting Americans from all walks of life; different regions, economic classes, educational backgrounds, ethnicities, creeds, religions, sexual orientations, gender identities, and hobby-pursuits. And I have been amazed!... on so many levels. With the election only a short time away, here is a sampling of young people who have decided that they will NOT vote... and why.
1) Melissa Gurnstin / 25/ Mistery, Iowa: "I have a strawberry birthmark on my left ankle which is shaped like the state of Maine... but upside down... and flipped over to the left. Anyway, Senator Susan Collins reminds me of my grandma with her like shaking-thing, ya know? And like, I couldn't vote against my own grandma, could I? Of course, we live in New Mexico which is on the other side of the country, so I guess it doesn't make a difference anyway... but then why should I vote at all, right? I mean. Oh wait. New Mexico IS on the other side of the country, right? And there IS a state called Maine, isn't there?"
2) Carl Joseph Calt / 21/ Ft. Poot, Indiana: "I'm a really cool dude on my college campus where I study air conditioner repair and dog grooming. The chicks all really like me, and voting is so gay. I don't want some hot chick to think I’m gay... even though I'm not... gay."
3) Pete Hankston / 23/ Nassus, Idaho: “I campaigned in the last election really hard for Hillary Clinton. I walked around neighborhoods, shouting through a rolled up newspaper like a foghorn saying VOTE FOR HILLARY! SHE’S YOUR MAN BECAUSE SHE WEARS PANTS LIKE A MAN!... then I got beat up. I got beat up by Clinton folks because they thought I was campaigning for Trump. And I got beat up by Trumpsters because they thought I was making people laugh at them. I got so confused, I forgot who I was supposed to be for. I went to bed for a week… and I really had cool dreams. I want to do that again this time. I like to sleep and have really cool dreams. Mostly about fish sticks.”
4) Glucinda Funbrathy / 26/ Camp Sitzbath, Missouri: “I mean… like what’s the big deal. One vote. Who cares? Now if I could cast twenty votes..or a hundred, right? But that’s illegal-like… or isn’t it? I want to be a lawyer when I grow up… maybe at a petting zoo.”
5) Seth Cruldour / 23/ Faithville, Pennylvania: “I’m a political science major at the Apex Academy of Household Appliance Sciences. And I am also a moderate-independent-transfigural-intrasigent. Our political club espouses a complete refusal to engage with a petroleum-based economy and the resultant greenhouse gases. That was our platform, and then my best bud, Jim-Joe Luntfer said we all had gas after last night’s Burrito ‘n’ Beer fundraiser, and we like all broke up! WE ALL HAD GAS! Dude! WE ALL HAD GAS!! Leave it to the Jim-Ster to cut right to the heart of the matter, right?”
6) Miriam Monckton / 24/ Serial City, Wyoming: “I don’t think either of the parties represents me about anything I think about… like, first of all. I don’t like zoos, so why is there a donkey and a elephant? I grew up on a ranch. Donkeys are stupid and too hard to get to work, and I didn’t see a elephant till I was six or something and saw one on a cartoon… and I asked my Mom why that mouse was so big… and had a nose that looked like our vacuum cleaner. Why would I vote for THAT?”
7) Franklin Somerset / 22/ Hope Falls, Tennessee: “ I move around a lot, and I’m never in the same place for more than a day or so… well, actually, I live in my car!… well, it’s not really a car. It’s my grandpa’s old pick-up truck that I built a log cabin on in the back. It’s got a working stove and chimney, and all the stuff you need to stay warm when it gets cold. I hook it up to water with a garden hose, and a big extension cable gives me electricity for the hotplate, tv, and toaster. And I can always run into my parent’s house to take a leak and wash up. I know I said I move around a lot, and I’m never in the same place for more than a day or so… because I park my truck-cabin in different parts of our backyard. Sometimes, by the swing-set. Sometimes, behind the garage. Sometimes, by my old sand box. I don’t know how the voter-folks would figure out what my home-address is.”
8) Brynne Thokaw / 28/ Colonel Pinkton, Alabama: “I hated spending time going and registering to vote. Then I found out you could do it online. I hated the idea of waiting in line to vote, then I found out you could mail it in. I hated the idea of having to get stamps, and go to a mailbox… whatever THAT is. Why can’t they just make voting something you can do at IHOP with a waitress?... when you order your pancakes with the chocolate chips and Nutella frosting? It’s too hard.”
9) Sammy Capriot / 21/ Doogin’s Bluff, Wisconsin: “My whole family gets into fights at the dinner table over all the issues; Should we plant corn or wheat? Should we like people who talk funny or not? Are there people on other planets? Should we be nice to Stevie Schmidt down the street who dresses like a girl and says HI, MISS GIRL to my dad? My mother hates the color orange and says that she could never stand beside the president because it would make her freckles show. My dad says that he heard that Hillary was a man from my cousin Pete Hankston in Idaho. I don’t know who to vote for, but that’s okay. None of my family votes either. I have 14 brothers and sisters.”
10) Dekins Make / 22/ Vera Cazuz, Arizona: “I have a tendency to break machines and to get hurt by them. I don’t know why, but they seem to hate me. I would get my pants caught in the gears of my bike and crash, or run over rocks and bricks and even a wagon with our lawnmower, and you know what can happen then. And Mrs. Staley from next door was a really nice lady too. Anyway, anytime that I get near a machine, something bad happens. I might pinch my fingers in the lever-things that have the names… like the Hostess Twinkie lever that tried to cut off my thumb when I went to get an extra Twinkie after the two Ding-Dongs. I don’t want to be scared again… especially if I’m not even getting a Twinkie out of it. What’s the point of voting?”
11) Greg Malfeans / 25/ Simpkin, South Dakota: “People are always yelling about voting and who’s the best. But who’s to say who’s the best? Only sports class shows you who’s the best. Starting in kindergarten, you can see who’s fastest, strongest, or the best person at pushing other kids down and grabbing the ball. Voting’s not like that. And I haven’t been all around the world. How am I supposed to know for sure that it even IS round? Answer me that! I mean.”
12) Becky Ann Smythe / 24/ Firewin, Ohio: “I’m a stay-at-home daughter. Everything I know comes from the TV. Here’s my point; Bill Clinton or Hillary Clinton? Donald Trump or Three-No-Trump? Bernie Sanders or Colonel Sanders? George Bush I or George Bush II? Right? Everything is relative. No one is perfect. Everyone is right and wrong. All things are shades of grey…like that chick-flick says. Sit back and have a brew… and watch the Real Housewives. Sh*t, that Bethany’s a pisser, isn’t she?”
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