BREAKING NEWS!!... Hollywood rocked by Oscar scandal!


THE SHAPE OF WATER has been revealed to be a stolen script from the Lumière brothers, Auguste and Louis, film pioneers in Paris in the 1900s. They had written the original story and screenplay about a girl who falls in love with a sea creature, and it seems that Hollywood execs thought that a century passing would hide their plagiarism... but! The original actress Madame Felitrice "Pou Pou" Fellatione who played the heroine is still alive and filed claims in court. She stated that she and her late husband Jean-Clemence, the actor who played the "Man-Guppy", had improvised much of the original dialogue during filming, and had choreographed all the dance numbers and mime sequences. The title of the film was J'AI MOUILLÉ MON LIT NUPTIAL (1915) and the original black and white print was hand-tinted in color, frame by frame, but lost in a tragic cheese fondue fire in the 1930s. Auguste Lumière had a complete nervous breakdown and was hospitalized for three years in the Instituer Pour Les Incommodés Émotionnellement. He was subjected to round the clock pelting with stale croques monsieurs, tepid cafe au laits, and live snails. Eventually, he returned to his senses, but insisted on wearing petticoats and swim-fins with his business suits for the rest of his life. Louis went on to a very successful life as a Fuller Brush salesman in Avignon....

Needless to say, all Oscar nominations for THE SHAPE OF WATER have been revoked...except for Best Catering. Details at 6. Silent film at 11.

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