Breaking News from the CNN News Desk:... a new crop of Democratic candidates for POTUS

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A growing field of potential Democratic presidential candidates has now brought the number to 314 as of this week. In just the last week, these nine have registered their names with the nomination board.

Top row (l. to r.)

1) State Senator Jillian Tynan; entering as a champion of the Narcolepsy Activation Front, empowering all people who suffer from unexpected sleepiness or even boredom. "Equal Pay For the Asleep AND the Awake! NOW!!"

2) Town Comptroller Patty Kampus; centrist conciliator from the Empathy Lobby, interested in seeing BOTH sides of every argument, simultaneously... and being able to discuss it all in two different voices at the same time. (will definitely need a special detail of security personnel if elected to keep her from walking into walls)

3) Phyllis Buskin, political socialite, whose entire proposed campaign will be based on air-pollution. Tomkin is the heiress to the Buskin Baked Bean fortune and has spent millions of dollars on the possible discovery of a “gasless baked bean”. Barring that, she is now very invested with the Prince Matchabelli company in a bean that might produce flatulence along the lines of Wind Song… or Poof!

Middle row (l. to r.)

4) Edna Marie Calendula; (possibly 112 years old). Edna has had no experience in politics but is the great- great-grandmother of one hundred and eighty-nine descendants, and figures that if she could make nourishing lunches for that many people in four generations she should be able to do something about inflation, environmental breakdown, and deepening political schisms all on a typical housewife's budget... and still not sacrifice vitamins, minerals, and old-fashioned common sense.

5) Former Mayor of Kotter's Falls, Idaho, Kirk Flant; record-holder of surviving more lightning strikes than anyone in history, Kirk’s “green” campaign cause is the promotion of a sustainable world for our children. Bathing only in the rain, and encouraging people to generate their own electricity by standing under trees or near flag poles are two of his groundbreaking ideas. Not for the faint of heart.

6) School Superintendent Felipe Charmont; Francophile and Three Musketeers re-enactor, Charmont suggests that education is the most important issue for the next century. He states that all public and private schools should require students from pre-K to college graduates should be in period costumes and should go out into the world and live as the culture and in the language of their choice. At all costs, contemporary American culture should be shunned… and eliminated. His favorite milieu?... Versailles in the 1730s… or perhaps the Neanderthal caverns in Lascaux, complete with his own flint spear and bear pelt… cut on the bias, of course!

Bottom row (l. to r.)

7) Water Commissioner Garren Hockweiler; a former chronic depression sufferer, he has made his entire platform the “Mission of Mirth”. All of his public appearances have been accompanied by deafening recordings of hysterical laughing played so loudly that they drown out his actual speeches. In print, he claims that “words are the enemy of joy, especially when they deal with depressing things like facts”. His promise to his constituents is that his presidency will be “fact-free”… but FUN!

8) Hong Chow Gung, city council member and restauranteur. Hong is very concerned in the growing epidemic of allergies. Suffering himself from over fifty-three separate airborne, food-borne, and contact allergies, he has turned his own restaurant, The Sneezing Lily, into an amateur laboratory with MSG ice cream, ground pepper aerosols, fiber-glass napkins and table cloths, and cat-dander dumplings. His customers have reported improvements in their allergy sensitivities… that is the ones who haven’t died.

9) Columnist Joselle Hampdour; pundit and newscaster known for her huge following both in print and on air. Her position as a harsh critic of any and every political idea has earned her the title of Snarker-In-Chief. Interestingly, she won the Miss INcongeniality title in the Miss America contest of 2013. Her talent was onstage taxidermy of her beloved cocker spaniel during the broadcast.

Film at 6. Thirty-five new hopefuls at 11.

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