BREAKING NEWS!!!!….this just in at CNN. From Greensborough, Arkansas. It seems that the statue of the much beloved "Popeye the Sailor Man" outside of city hall was pulled down tonight when it was mistaken for Colonel Cecil "Woebegone" Sandhurst, a Civil War figure who had made a fortune black-marketing spinach, olive oil, and unpaid-for-hamburgers to Union prisoners of war. Although both Popeye and Sandhurst were one-eyed, smoked corn-cob pipes, and indeed had strangely deformed forearms with anchors tattooed on them, they could not have been more different in their demeanor. Sandhurst was a bully, a felon, and a probable sociopath, while Popeye was at worst a vegan with a severe speech impediment and an annoying laugh. Nevertheless, his statue was pulled down by a crowd of chanting miscreants who then dragged it to a local smelter before the police or the Ladies Historical Society could intervene…. it wasn't until the crushed statue was thrown into the giant kiln that everyone realized it was made of chocolate, at which point the local Girl Scouts Troop was called in to make it into 1700 lbs. of almond bark for their annual Girls Get-Together Jamboree in Little Rock…. All proceeds from its sale will be donated to a retirement home for aging and/or sexually molested petting zoo animals. Details at 6. Broccoli rabe at 11.
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