Halloween Goes Hollywood!!!!.... Show-Biz & The Shudders!

Most people don't realize that Halloween (like other big holidays) goes through extensive preproduction schedules. It takes months of casting calls, auditions, interviews, and then rehearsals to put together a fully realized Halloween that both entertains and terrifies the public. Here we have several cast members taking a well-deserved break backstage after special classes in "Facial Hair Growing & Simultaneous Growling", "Wooden Stake Driving", "Mirror Work While Casting No Reflection", "Garlic Aversion Therapy", "Attractive Stitchery For The Forehead and Wrists", "Coloratura Ghoul Yowling", "Hunchback Stoop & Foot Drag", and "Head-To-Toe Bandage Wrapping In Sandy Places". There are even special children's classes for the youngsters looking to make Halloween a lifetime career! All these cast members take their craft very seriously, especially with only 4 weeks left before the big day!!....and NIGHT!!! ...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "STRANGE....but TRUE!!!"........

....It was extremely hard right after the Crash to raise children in the dust bowl areas of the prairie states stretching from Illinois straight through the wide plains of Kansas and Nebraska and off to the flat lands of the Colorado border... Texas and Oklahoma were particularly hard hit, and that's why on December 13th, 1935 it was considered both a blessing and a curse that twins were born to Cyrus and Vera Mil-Anne Krumphagen in a two room sod lean-to in Bland Precipice, Arkansas. Locals had traveled as far as 112 miles to see the twins who had been delivered amidst great whispering, rumors, and muffled shrieks by onlookers. Many witnesses who huddled nearby had fainted dead away, but their wives helped them to their feet and got them a lemonade and a smoke....or a chaw of tobacco. The scandal about the Krumphagen twins wasn't only that they were Siamese Twins (the state had seen its fair share of Siamese Twins in fairgrounds, carny shows, traveling circuses, and "burly-Q/educational shows" about Egyptian tombs, the harem of the Emperor of China, and agricultural matters in Akron, Ohio....no! Arkansas at one point was going to be nicknamed "The Twinner's State" by the legislature for all its Siamese Twin births in just under eleven years until it was discovered that it might have something to do with the water and the fact that many people were their own grandparents.) The chief point of the uproar, (which is what it became!) was that Enid, the older of the two twins was born way before her "younger" sister, Gladys.....significantly BEFORE!...... 9 YEARS BEFORE. Medical experts were rushed in (well, so to speak!) on the old Flaherty-Cumberbum Rail Lines that had nearly disappeared due to non-use. Professors, scientists, physicians, and phrenologists of high and low repute came to interview poor Vera Mil-Anne about her ongoing labor, which could not be rushed or terminated. The Krumphagens were Christian Scientists along with a cheerful mix of Seventh Day Adventists, Snake Handlers, Tongue Talkers, and Spencerite Wind Walkers. They practiced unusual traditions like wearing orange clothing during the Winter to keep them warm, eating vegetables shaped like other things or famous people, and observing only five days a week which meant that by May of every year, they were still living in February! (You can imagine the confusion after their junior high school wedding as the years went by!!) When little Gladys was finally born, Enid had already completed a typing and animal husbandry course through the local Farm-Arts Academy and had a varsity letter on both the Tractor Pull team and on the Pumpkin Toss brigade. She was quite the catch among the young swains (10 and 11 years old) at the Barnyard Sounds Cotillion & Ice Cream Sociable, and had to turn down five, count'em FIVE marriage proposals by an Explorer of Tomorrow, a Cub Scout, a 4H Club star, and a 63 year old man who was driving by. Nevertheless, Enid and little Gladys became very close right from the start....(well, they had no choice!) ...but that's how children of deprivation are. They don't have unnecessary pretensions and false airs like big-city girls from places like ...Laramoor...and Chutney Corners. And, as it turned out, their story and the sacrifices and torment that their charming and industrious mother had suffered gladly through her household chores and an extended stint as the head waitress at the Happy Spoon Diner became the subject of local papers...and finally radio broadcasts from Little Rock. Vera Mil-Anne became a spokeswoman for the Mohawk Muffin MIx company and was cast as Ma Gurney, a charming elderly lady who raised an orphan brood of children she found on the street, or in crates of cereal, as if they were all her own. The radio program got an astonishing "9" share forcing farm reports, grain futures, and prayer-for-rain broadcasts into non-prime time slots. And her twin daughters?? Enid and Gladys continued to grow and thrive (despite their age difference!) and refused seven different offers of surgery to separate themselves saying that they had worked too hard on their clog dancing technique, their pairs division ice-dancing, their tandem harmonic yodeling, and their Fred & Ginger imitation to ever be apart from each other. They eventually married; Enid to a veterinarian who specialized only in two-headed livestock or animals with multiple limbs and personalities, and Gladys to a man who was significantly younger than her who people kept mistaking for Enid's great, great, great, great, great, grandson.... No children came from either family. (with thanks to Bob Gutowski and George Sweet)

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What’s Cookin’?… PIP! PIP! CHEERY- OH!…

Some foods can be served in any season of the year, but nothing says warm sunny weather outdoors on the veranda, in the garden, or in a rugby scrum than tea sandwiches! ..don’t you agree? I know Oscar Wilde thought so! We discussed it all the time when he would drop by!… and I’m planning my annual Fire Island tea party with it’s oh-so-civilized flair. It coincides with my “Cross Country Beach & Obstacle Course Croquet Competition” which we hold every year at the seashore….(right in front of the infamous “meat rack”). Imagine the glamour of all the players dressing in their loveliest linens and eyelet laces, gingham frocks, plus-fours, argyle socks, starched wallpaper stripe shirts with separate stand-up collars, sleeve-garters, boaters, derbies, and picture hats ….and wielding heavy mallets and sending rock-maple balls as projectiles at each other’s heads! Sort of A LITTLE NIGHT MUSIC meets ROLLERBALL!!! …..and I get to feed them all. The refreshment tables are set up along the dune-side of the beach while the players start out from the Pines side of the course and head to Cherry Grove, then turning and going back to the Pines with the sun slowly setting behind them; a perfect way to spend an afternoon on Fire Island! My menu for the tournament is easily portable with a minimum of clean-up or clutter, and a maximum of taste and tastiness! Finger sandwiches and cocktails (both “alcohol” and “non”!) Even the most ardent competitors will melt in your hands with a sumptuous selection of Sybil’s snack-ettes! And HEY! Before you turn up your nose at the thought of finger sandwiches as a holdover from your Grandma’s gardening club, check out some of these little treats!

Cucumber Watercress Sandwiches- 
      Ingredients:  8 oz package of cream cheese
                              3 tablespoons chopped cucumber
                                 (peeled and seeded!!)
                              2 teaspoons chopped watercress
                             ½ teaspoon of lemon juice
                            ¼ teaspoon of ground pepper      
                             bread of your choice
                             softened butter
                            additional ½ cup of minced watercress

      Preparation: Combine cream cheese, cucumber, 2 teaspoons of watercress, lemon juice, and pepper in a food processor. Scrape the sides and remix thoroughly. Spread the cream cheese mixture on one slice, pair it with a sister slice. Using either cookie cutters (spades, hearts, diamonds, and clubs from a bridge set, or various geometric and flower shapes, etc.), a pastry round, or just a knife, cut slices of bread into small neat sandwich sizes without crusts! Then gently butter the cut outer edges of each sandwich and roll them carefully in the finely minced ½ cup of additional watercress. You can bump this recipe a little according to your taste by adding very finely chopped parsley, a pinch of lemon zest, chopped dill, and/or even cold smoked salmon to the cream cheese.  I have actually served this one recipe in all its varieties and combinations….. feel free to experiment and let me know your favorites!

Classic Egg Sandwiches-
    Ingredients:   6 large hard boiled eggs, grated
                             2 tablespoons finely chopped celery
                             2 tablespoons sweet pickle
                                relish (optional)
                             3 tablespoons mayonnaise
                             1 tablespoon sour cream
                             1 tablespoon grated onion
                                (or more to taste)
                             ½ teaspoon Dijon mustard
                             ¼ teaspoon salt
                             ¼ teaspoon of ground pepper
                             ¾ teaspoon of McCormick’s
                                  Salad Seasoning                
                             bread of your choice

    Preparation: Combine all the ingredients in a large bowl and cover with a sheet of wax paper or Saran wrap to prevent a “skin” from forming on the top. Chill for a few hours. Spread on bread. Prepare sandwiches with cookie cutters, etc. (same as above!). An interesting thing about great egg salad is how wonderfully different it tastes on different kinds of bread; rye, pumpernickel, whole wheat, grain, and basic white!

Watercress & Goat Cheese Sandwiches-
      Ingredients:    2 logs of fresh softened goat cheese
                               ½ cup of finely minced watercress
                               5 tablespoons of butter
                               ¾ cup finely crushed toasted pecans
                               additional watercress sprigs for garnish
                               cinnamon-raisin, date, or whole wheat bread 

      Preparation: Combine cheese (Montrachet is my favorite!) and minced watercress in a food processor. Spread on bread and match to sister slices of bread. Again, cookie cutter or prepare crustless sandwiches, and then gently butter outer cut edges. Dip in crushed pecans, arrange on a serving plate, and garnish with watercress sprigs.

Chicken-Orange-Lemon Sandwiches-
     Ingredients:   1½ cups of chopped roasted chicken breast (dark meat optional)
                              8 oz cream cheese softened
                              ½ cup toasted pecans finely crushed
                              2 tablespoons mayonnaise
                              ¼ teaspoon dried thyme
                              pinch of lemon zest
                              ¼ teaspoon of salt
                              ¼ teaspoon of ground pepper
                              raisin bread or bread of your choice
                              mandarin orange slices 

   Preparation: Combine all the ingredients in a food processor. Scrape down the sides and remix. On this sandwich, cut the crusts off the bread and shape it before applying the spread because you’re going to toast the slices in the oven at 400 degrees for 5 minutes. Allow to cool, then spread cream cheese mixture, match to sister slices and garnish with a mandarin slice. To up the ante on sweetness, you can roast the mandarin slices in the broiler for a few seconds or with your mini-blow torch! Or you can replace the mandarin slices with apricot slices soaked for an hour in fresh orange juice and broiled for a few seconds. This particular sandwich is a winner!!!

There are a thousand different recipes for finger sandwiches….these four are classics that I’ve made for years. But here are a couple of basic all-purpose suggestions for these finger sandwiches and any other recipes you find;
1) Freezing the bread ahead of time until firm makes it easier to cut it into precise and fun shapes whether you’re hand-cutting them or using cookie cutters. 
2) If you use cookie cutters (my favorite!!) be sure to reserve specific shapes for specific recipes. Guests will be able to keep their favorites straight. 
3) Some folks like to combine different breads on one sandwich; pumpernickel with rye, white with whole wheat, etc. It’s not only decorative, but the differing breads can add to the taste sensation! Again, feel free to experiment!
4) To keep the sandwiches fresh and moist, refrigerate them in sealed containers with a piece of wax paper over them and a moistened paper towel on top. Most sandwiches can be made a day before serving, and still remain fresh if stored properly!
 
I hope this little sandwich seminar meets the exacting standards of the sophisticates in the Pines! ……Saltaire and Point O’ Woods too, for that matter! And perhaps I’ll extend invitations to all the towns on Fire Island for the annual “Cross Country Beach & Obstacle Course Croquet Competition”. Each town could send its best players (are they called “croquettes”???) We’ll make it our own little sandbar Olympics with fine fellowship, good sportsmanship, and all-around roquet-ness as our ideals! Imagine! Long tables with cloths blowing in the afternoon sea breeze, nodding and smiling spectators, players in pastels and plaids, waiters passing tasteful sandwiches and chilled cocktails, stories of championships past, legendary cannon, carom, and crush shots….and our motto! Embroidered on a waving banner over the field!! “Faster! Higher! Sandier!”  Xoxoxoxo, Sybil.

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SYBIL SEZ!!!... Out Of The Frying Pan...

Dear Sybil, I see on Facebook and your blogs that you are a “Foodie”. You always seem to enjoy cooking, even at the beach…Do you have favorite recipes for entertaining out there, even without a sophisticated Manhattan kitchen? I think it’s so hard to grill things well and not have it turn out like a burnt, dried out mess! Sincerely, Just Goes To The Deli.

Dear Deli, I know exactly what you mean about grilling. The heat, the smoke, the set-up, the break-down, the overcooking/undercooking, the mess, the fire-safety, and the bugs!!........ all for some hot dogs, hamburgers, and some barbecued meat?!?! No wonder cavemen gave up their ways and evolved into the Cordon Bleu!! As far as I was concerned, the only difference between grilling on my deck and a Neanderthal sit-down for 12 was the cave…and some nice drawings of antelope and mastodons dancing together!...And then I had a revelation. I decided that, like so many things in life, challenges we dread are probably the exact path to growth, happiness, and fulfillment. Any moron can pop a frozen TV dinner into a microwave every night of his life and let TV do everything else for him as well! BUT! Actually learning how to boil water, popping some eggs into it, learning the difference between soft-boiled, hard-boiled, poached, coddled, and then going on to create Hollandaise, mousses, soufflés, and all the other amazing things with the incredible-edible egg is where joy is hatched! Why be afraid??? 

I had always thought that grilling was an inconvenience (at best!) and a chance to fail in front of friends or even catch on fire …or BOTH! (at the worst!). “Time to man-up, Sybil!”, I said to myself!.....(well, “man-ish!”)…. and I hit the books, and the trail for the best barbecue I could find. I spoke with experts, collected cowboy cookbooks, and even watched entire Summer seasons of the Food Network and all the PBS affiliates for tips. ….and to say that one grilling recipe or method is “best” is like saying one Italian grandma’s tomato sauce is “best”! ….the only ”best” is that it’s the “best” way to find yourself gunned down in an alleyway! There are a million different approaches to do the deed in all its variations!…..but I will give away some of my favorites here.

First of all, I love barbecued chicken (as well as beef and pork)…..  but one absolute rule is cooking time vs. intensity. When you’re working over a fire (as opposed to in a gazillion-dollar Gaggenau oven!) you have to time yourself carefully, and even geographically! It’s not enough to get the coals glowing just right. Piling them all on one side of the grill gives you a specifically “hot” spot for rapid searing and more intense cooking of dark meat in chicken or thicker steaks. And on the coal-free half of the grill, placing a large disposable aluminum roasting pan right against the coals with a few cups of water in it will not only provide a lower-and-slower cooking surface for your grill, but also will provide heated steam to offset the drying out that grilling can cause all-to-quickly. After all the chicken parts have been seared and sealed over the direct coals, the white meat pieces (breasts, etc.) can be moved over the water bath area to cook to a lower interior temperature of 165°F while staying moist, and the dark meat pieces (thighs, drumsticks, etc.) can remain over the coals to cook to a safe 175°F.

The operative word here is “pieces”…there seems to be no safe or tasty way to grill an entire chicken intact! All the different parts need to be marinated and grilled according to their own anatomy. And speaking of marinades….dear God, there are so many different choices. Brining has become the great “rediscovered” tactic of everything from Thanksgiving turkeys to Sunday squabs, so it certainly works for meat we’re going to put over an actual flame, n’est-ce pas? Osmosis (oh, that word from 6th grade chemistry class!) is the spontaneous net movement of solvent molecules through a partially permeable membrane into a higher solute concentration where -----have I lost you? I knew that definition would make you wander off!! Suffice it to say that if you “brine” meat, any meat before you expose it to heat, you can flood the tissue and specifically each cell with extra water and even flavorings to enhance the final dish. Brining can take anywhere from an hour or so to half a day depending on what you’re making. A Thanksgiving turkey soak overnight, so can a ham. Chicken pieces for a grill are great if they can sit in a bath of salt, water, and sugar for 4 hours or more….usually the rule is one hour per pound of chicken. Heat a gallon of water to a boil, throw in a cup of kosher salt, a ½ cup of sugar, (or a ½ cup of brown sugar), a ½ cup of white vinegar, and various spices that are freshly crushed up. At his point, you’ll do best by going to your own Food Network favorites, or recipes you’ve stolen from talented friends while their backs were turned!

The variations, permutations, and combinations of what can be put into brines numbers in the thousands… it’s easier to win the Mega-Millions than to guess all the different possibilities. I’ve seen tarragon, nutmeg, cloves, allspice, and cinnamon. Ginger Ale, Orange Crush, Coca Cola, root beer, and Mountain Dew. Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme….and wasabi! Look up recipes online and experiment. And then you can make the next great decision: To marinate or not to marinate?!… Some grill-savants combine their brining and marinating beauty-regimens together! Some separate them. One thing I like to do is a basic brine for a couple of hours and then add garlic powder, onion powder, paprika, and cayenne to the brine and continue for another four hours. This again is a time to explore your own tastes and preferences. Remember whether you’re brining and/or marinating to always cover and refrigerate the meat completely. (And WASH YOUR HANDS!.....that’s a lot of mixing and handling of raw meat, and no time to be coming down with salmonella! ) As to sauces…..go out in your backyard at midnight and look at the night sky! That’s how many recipes there are for barbecue sauces! Again, this is no time for fear….it’s time for fun! You can even do what I’ve done and prepare two or even three different versions of your barbecue chicken for one dinner party! Talk about happy guests!! You’d think I invented the wheel!! Everyone was babbling and bubbling over how the different flavors compared on breasts and thighs!!…and then they actually discussed the chicken! (I KNOW! I couldn’t resist!)…. But the whole dinner party became its own game night , with the game being the “game”! I’ll bet Julia did the same thing at her own seaside soirees. There’s nothing better than feeding folks and entertaining them as well!! Although you could go out and buy a jar of fabulous barbecue sauce that’s been touted far and wide, or even use it as the base for your own additions, why not try different recipes from scratch? A great all-purpose sauce that’ll become your own legacy to your descendants (if any!) could certainly start with ketchup, molasses, Dijon mustard, Worcestershire sauce, fresh ground pepper, grated onion, cider vinegar, honey, a little garlic….and some “heat”. That could be paprika, cayenne, ginger, chili powder, red pepper flakes, and even hot sauce. For the non-sober crowd, I’ve seen every kind of booze introduced to both the brine/marinade and the sauce. Again, explore your own tastes…and sobriety! But perhaps let someone else light the coals!....(especially if you’ve been “taste-testing” your recipes…for an hour or more!) The sauce is going to complete the other half of the flavoring process that the brine/marinade started, so be generous with it. After you’ve removed the chicken parts from the brine, dry them and coat them completely with the sauce. Then sear them over the hottest part of the grill. (Try to prevent flare-ups.) Brush on more before you flip them over to get browned and sealed on the other side. Again, move the white meat to finish over the water bath, and the dark meat can stay over the coals. Brush more sauce on every 15 minutes and turn them carefully. This will build up a wonderful golden browned skin that is crunchy and spicy/sweet! The interior temperature of the breasts (without touching the thermometer to a bone!) should be 165°F and the thighs 175°F. Depending on the weather, humidity, your particular grill, and “technique”, it should take around 45 minutes to an hour. One added little trick: put lemon and lime wedges or halves on the grill for just a minute and garnish the serving dish of chicken with them. A squeeze of caramelized citrus as a last flash of freshness on your piping hot poultry will seal your reputation in seashore society as a grilling genius! And we all know how glamorous that can be!! The folks swarming around for invitations will be as thick as mosquitoes! Thicker if you check out last week’s Sybil Sez for chasing bugs!) Bon appétit!! Xoxoxox, Sybil.

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SYBIL SEZ!!!!........ Don't Bug Me!!!!

Dear Sybil, I’m one of those poor blondes who seem to attract every kind of bite at the beach, and none of them are from a handsome lifeguard! It’s only July, and I’m covered in mosquito bites and maybe some other gnat, blackfly, chigger, and “no-see-ums” too. HELP!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!, Sincerely, Itchy.

Dear Sincerely Itchy…. (oops! Sorry!) …just Itchy! You’ve come to the right place! Mummie isn’t a blonde, but there’s something in my chemistry that has always made me a tasty treat for the world’s predators, especially among the six-legged set! If only I had as many admirers among the older, doddering nobility of minor European principalities and duchies. They could nibble on me as much as they liked, and I could have as many jewels as Madame Arnfelt in A LITTLE NIGHT MUSIC or Aunt Alicia in GIGI, and half the itching! But no! I’ve ended up being one of those poor girls at the barbecue who loses a pint of blood at the relish tray. I will stand in a group of partiers and everyone will be cool and collected, but I’ll be so covered with mosquitoes, it’ll look like someone clubbed me with the pepper grinder! When I was young, my grandparents actually used me as a bug attractor at their croquet picnics…my job was to stand on a pedestal with two flashlights and be a living target for every mosquito within 300 yards of the buffet tables. I was to use the flashlights to signal them in for a safe landing…on me! I got a quarter an hour. If only we had known back then some of the science and the easier remedies for mosquitoes and their cohorts! Well, we do now, and I for one am no longer anemic from June through the end of September thanks to these tried and true tricks!…

1)    Mosquitoes are attracted to the carbon dioxide we exhale, to the warmth of our bodies, to the smell of various soaps and perfumes, and to dark clothing…. Be sure to dress in very light colors or preferably white clothes! Who would have thought that the chicest fashion choice might also save your skin??...literally!. Although many experts will suggest eating garlic or drinking apple cider vinegar in quantities for days before a party, I find that that is just too extreme. Who wants to time themselves to sweat out “bug repellant”? Ridiculous! BUT! The evidence for using fragrance as a weapon is overwhelming, but it has to be the right fragrances!….. there are scores of stories of people mixing a few drops of essential oils like citronella, citrus and mint, eucalyptus, lemongrass, witch hazel, or my very favorites, lavender or vanilla extract in a small spray bottle of water. Tea tree or neem oil will also work beautifully. Spray yourself and your clothes paying particular attention to your “pulse points” (behind your ears, around your throat, underarms, wrists, inside of elbows, groin area, back of knees, and ankles). Most folks love the way any of these concoctions smell and are glad to use generously after the shower. You can also mist your bedclothes with any of them to keep all insects away from you just in case there’s a small hole in that screen at the rented beach cottage! If you don’t have access to a health food or a “new age” notions store, raid your laundry room! Most dryer sheets, slightly moistened and rubbed lightly but thoroughly all over the body and face will chase all bugs away, including gnats and blackflies. Avon’s Skin So Soft still is one of the great “accidental” double-use product stories of all time! Who would have thought that an “affordable” skin moisturizer sold by a door-to-door vender could turn into one of the best insect repellents as well?...and now it comes in the “grease-free” formula too!

2)    Environmentally, you can start the battle by removing any standing water in your garden/patio area. Look carefully! Not just in the birdbath or the splash pool that the kids accidentally punctured and have left deflated in back of the tool shed for two months! Mosquitoes will thrive in a dog dish under the porch or tossed aside garbage can lid that’s too cracked to still use. Before we started spraying the world indiscriminately and killed everything, (thank you Rachel Carson!) dragonflies, frogs, toads, and bats were our biggest allies against all sorts of harmful insects, especially mosquitoes. Our eco-friends’ numbers have been decimated by local community boards who believe that “nuking the neighborhood” is the most expedient choice. Sadly, all we’re learning is that mosquitoes happen to be among the first species to adapt to and recover from chemical onslaughts, while their enemies may be seriously endangered afterwards, and slow to recover. The more technologically advanced we humans become, the more we learn that the best strategy against our insect-foes in the natural world is using nature itself. Let’s try to encourage the return of a wider diversity of wildlife out at the beach and in the countryside. It may sound crazy, but gardening centers and the internet are now selling special “bat boxes” which can be put up in the eaves of your house or garage, or in the tree outside your window to bring a little Bela Lugosi touch to your garden! Bats are shy and of no danger to humans, but they rain havoc on mosquitoes! Imagine a chic little Electrolux vacuum cleaner swooping around at dusk sucking up hundreds of gnats, flies, mosquitoes…all the Insect-World’s vampires that see YOU as Miss Mina with no crucifix around your neck!! Ironic, isn’t it, that a bat in your garden might be the Fearless Vampire Killer that saves YOU from destruction!?

3)    There are a few more tricks for your garden/patio area that will help greatly. Citronella candles; the kind that come in little tin buckets for the industrial-minded, or in attractive glass holders like they use to give away at Sunoco stations in the 1950s are what grandma counted on! And she was oh so right! Place a few of these around the perimeter of your eating area. They create a wall of confusion and exclusion to the bug-crowd! No one wants in!!! And have you got a green thumb…or, um, whatever? Use it! If you’ve got a garden, plant it with marigolds, ageratums, lavender, lemon balm, lemon thyme, pennyroyal, bee balm, catnip, citronella grass, basil, sage and rosemary! All are good choices to grow in pots or beds….. but be careful! Don’t assume that you can also rub flowers or leaves on your skin directly as a repellant. Some of these are so powerful that they can actually cause irritation. Check online about their particular qualities. Better to let them just stand as beautiful and powerful sentries!! Of course the herbs are perfectly safe, and terrific for picking for recipes while they deter the pests! And if you’re barbecuing, a bundle of rosemary or sage can be tossed right on the coals to help flavor grilled food and play havoc with winged intruders! As your friends gather round the grill to smell your latest Food Network find, the Bug-Luftwaffe will be fleeing in droves!

 
4)    Lastly, I have heard of a couple of other strange insect repelling devices that I have mixed feelings about. A zip-lock clear luncheon bag filled with water and some flakes of tin foil or a couple of pennies hung in a doorway?!?! It sounds too strange to be real, but I have actually seen it work! Mostly for flies though. And it has to be in a very well lit area for the effect of the sparkling water and metal to catch and disturb the eyes of the insects…. But try it yourself and see! One thing I will say for it, it doesn’t attract the insects to you! On the other hand there are the homemade CO2 soda bottle insect-traps made with water or ginger ale, sugar, yeast, etc, etc, etc…..yes!! They work, although they’re vile to look at as they begin to fill up and turn black with thousands of mosquitoes and every other species of bug in the surrounding 200’. But in my opinion, they’re attracting more insects to your patio area than would have been there to begin with. They remind me of budget versions of the highly expensive and science-fictiony ultra-violet “zappers” of the 70s that you could pay a fortune for at the garden center, and then hoist into a tree near the house. Did they annihilate any winged miscreant who wandered into their wiry web of manmade lightning? Oh yes!...and I suppose there are those in the backwoods who got “hours of enjoyment” watching the proceedings. But the racket and the flashing was certainly distracting from any normal conversation….. and again, the ultra-violet bulbs were designed to bring the victims, not repel them! Yes, it’s true, Noah Snurd of Poke-A-Ma-Hola, Arkansas was paying his own utility bill doing the community-at-large a favor by killing vast numbers of pests, but he was actually importing them from miles around! I had a sophisticated friend in the Hamptons who bought four of those “zappers” when they first came out! He installed them in the corners of his flagstoned terrace overlooking the ocean for an evening banquet. There was caviar and champagne, laughter and music, gossip and flirting…..and then… the screaming! The AWFUL SCREAMING! Insects by the hundreds began to hurl themselves into those aluminum faux-pagoda lanterns and either burst into flame or explode into cindered shrapnel that landed in people’s crab ceviches…. I made the mistake of standing too close to one of them in my white floor length Norma Kamali, and the static charge turned me into the Bride of Frankenstein! Once we were taken to triage areas to assess our injuries, we realized that our host may have created a rare entomological vortex by concentrating four, count’em FOUR of those insect crematoriums on one single patio!!….. National Geographic, Wild Kingdom, and Ripley’s Believe It Or Not all wanted to bid for exclusive rights for the “true story”……Variety said it best!...HAMPTONS HIDE-AWAY HELL FOR HOI-POLLOI!! (It took me two weeks to get my hair back into its naturally cute little page-boy!)

So there you have it. I’ve done it all! Seen it all! Been eaten by it all! If I’m not an expert by now, who is? Take any of this advice, and save yourself from the mosquito marauders! As for me?....I should have done those old OFF commercials and gotten paid for sticking my arm into those terrariums full of mosquitoes for TV. I could have made a fortune!…. Or at least more than a quarter an hour! Xoxoxo! Sybil.

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There's No Business Like Show Business....... #2

LAW & ORDER Update......as you know I was congratulated by the LAW & ORDER franchise for appearing as more dead people in all their programs than any other actor!!!.... a total of 982 victims! I am now being nominated for a special Life Achievement Award for "Most Lifelike Dead Person".....I believe it may have been for the season where I played "apple dunkee dunked", "Macy's store elf found gift-wrapped in a shoe box", "no-nosed nun", "lady member of Dead Poets' Society dressed as Emily Dickinson", "actress playing a corpse who turns out to be a corpse", "contortionist folded into strange shapes one too many times", "mime who frantically signalled for help but no one heard", and "one of 24 blackbirds baked in a pie" ....... I am deeply honored.

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There's No Business Like Show Business.... #1

WOW!!!! I have just been congratulated by the LAW & ORDER franchise for appearing as more dead people in all their programs than any other actor!!!.... a total of 982 victims! I have played "glamorous starlet with poked out eyes", "bag woman with expensive brooch but no head", "poodle walker thrown off ferris wheel", "Fuller Brush saleslady set on fire", "perfume counter shoplifter without hands", "nuclear physicist scratched and eaten by barnful of cats", "lonely man wearing lipstick and bad costume jewelry trampled in gay porn theatre stampede"...

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SYBIL SEZ!!!...... Nasal Rinses: Say “YES!” to your NOse………..

Dear Sybil, My allergies are the worst this Spring season! Pollen is working my last nerve, and I’m sick of taking all the drugs that come over the counter or from the allergist, (which I consider even worse). I think I read that you told a friend about nasal rinses, but the idea scares me…. Can you put my mind and nose at rest??....Please?? …rhymes with SNEEZE! Sincerely, Ronny. 

Dear Runny…er, RONNY! Yes, I have told friends about nasal rinses before, and although it sounds gross to many people, pumping some saline into your nose and flushing out your face can not only be a wonderful sensation, it can also be a life-changing decision too! Most of us remember how perfectly awful it was as children to accidentally breathe in the water at the swimming pool. Not only was it regular tap water, it was heavily chlorinated on top of it all! The burning was terrible, and it turns most people away from ever considering nasal rinses, but the saline water that you either prepare yourself or buy ready mixed in sterile containers at the drug store is exactly the same saline solution that your body is made up of…. about 60% of it!!! And it’s approximately a 0.9% solution, so when you spray it into your sinuses, it’s no more uncomfortable than your tears when you cry. A dear friend of mine asked about rinses, and when I explained the concept to him, he remembered that when he was child at the ocean and got seawater up his nose it wasn’t unpleasant at all…. because the ocean is much more like our own body chemistry than chlorinated pool water… Anyway, back to why a nasal rinse can be so helpful during cold and allergy seasons…. Your sinuses are designed to produce a regular protective amount of watery mucus to keep irritants, bacteria, pollen, and dust from lodging and potentially infecting or damaging the sensitive interior tissues inside your face and airways. But sometimes the pollutants are too numerous or toxic for your body to withstand. At that point, the invaders can trigger a cold or a particularly brutal allergic reaction, and your body responds by declaring “war” in the form of massive amounts of mucus to flush away the enemy. We’re told to drink “plenty of fluids” to keep our bodies completely hydrated for the production of water to supply the mucus  which we either blow out, cough up, or swallow to be destroyed in our digestive systems…. (gross, yes, but rather ingenious after all these millions of years of evolution!) We now know that instead of using decongestants to dry up our sinuses the way we did in the 1950s, we should use products like Mucinex to increase the flow of protective mucus and force fluids, preferably vitamin enhanced waters to maintain our electrolytes. Supporting our bodies’ natural function is the best way to stay comfortable and get well quickly! And a nasal rinse, preferably in the shower, is a fabulous help.  It can unblock the clogged up passageways, clean out all the debris, and even alleviate a bad sinus headache within minutes. A neti pot is easy to buy at the drug store with the right saline solutions, either premixed or available in premeasured envelopes to be mixed with distilled water.  I said “distilled water”…NOT tap water or bottled water. Distilled water is pure H20….nothing else!! No minerals, additives, etc. I buy the envelopes, mix up the right amount in an empty shampoo bottle with a nozzle and spray a dose into each nostril twice, blowing out the contents, and repeating once again. The whole process takes just seconds, and I do it in the morning and again at night. Colds are rare for me now, and if one does start to take hold, I can diminish its duration and severity. ….sometimes stopping it dead within an hour of the first scratchy throat or sneezing…  Although you can see actors on the Internet demonstrate the method for using a nasal rinse, I’ll tell you quickly that it’s as easy as leaning forward in the shower (or over your bathroom sink, facing the drain, turning your head to one side, and gently squirting the saline into the upper nostril and letting it flow through your sinuses inside your face and out the lower nostril. Turn your head the other way and repeat, Turn again and repeat. Turn again and repeat. Blow gently each time without plugging either nostril so that you don’t blow anything into your ear canals… As you get more comfortable doing the process, you’ll start to experiment with tipping your head this way and that to “clean out all the rooms in your attic” as we nasal-rinse aficionados joke!! I promise you, you’ll feel and see a difference right away….. some of my friends claim that food even tastes better, and I’ve known some smokers who claimed it was easier to give up because they could actually smell what was offensive about cigarette smoking more clearly…  You know, my friend Isak Dinesen (yes!...of OUT OF AFRICA fame!) once claimed that "the cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears, or the sea.".... well, she was right, but she left out salt-water nasal rinses! Let me know Ronny, what you think! Spring is running a little late this year, but maybe we can make it a bit more fun for you when she finally waltzes through the front door!!...and you don’t have to hold your nose!!! Xoxoxo!!! Sybil.

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SYBIL SEZ!!.... The Laundry Lambada!!

Dear Sybil, I hate doing laundry! I hate having to stay in the laundromat and watch the machines to make sure they finish running right. The washers always go off balance and don’t finish their spin cycle right, and when I come back the clothes may be soaking wet…or still sudsy! Is there a solution?? Please help or I’ll wear dirty clothes to your Friday shows!!! Yours truly, Stinky. 

Dear …..um….Stinky ….. (After all those years at finishing school and at Vassar, I never, ever thought I would address anyone as “Stinky”!!....especially in a letter!!). I happen to enjoy doing my own laundry!....  whether it’s at home or in a laundromat.  Heaven knows I’m not the most domestic creature in the world, but there are some home chores I like doing, and the process of washing and drying clothes (even “delicates” by hand) appeals to some part of my “simpler-life fantasy”. I love getting stains out of clothes (blood is one of my specialties!), and there’s nothing sweeter than the smell of fresh clothes from the dryer or the clothesline! I adore surprising folks, and myself, with how white I can get my whites! …and I’m often caught bragging about it, much to the annoyance of gardening club members or innocent diners at other tables!… But more on that at another time! … let’s solve your washing machine mambo….or as I like to call it, The Laundry Lambada! First of all, laundromat machines are constantly going out of whack because they basically have almost round-the-clock use….like a taxi cab in NYC. There truly is no rest for the weary, and these machines exist as close to Charles Dickens’ workhouse brutalities as we can get in the 21st century. Someday in the future, androids may look back on us as barbarians and savages for the way we treated their machine ancestors. Not only do laundry machines (and taxi cabs!) run nearly nonstop, but they’re often run by fools as well… people who drive over curbs and lane dividers, or stuff 45 lbs. of wash in an 18 lb. front-loader. The new water-conserving washers make it clear how full to fill the tub and how much detergent to use! Do so!!! They’re not posting those directions on the wall to ruin your day or encroach on your civil liberties! (If any Tea Partiers or Ayn Rand Fan Club members are reading Mummie’s little articles, you’re bound to be enraged! My politics are fairly clear!). The nice laundromat folks are invested in you getting clean clothes, and they’re definitely pointing you in the right direction. Probably you should fill your front-loading machine only about 2/3s full, leaving some “breathing space” at the top of the tub. My laundry room has an actual diagram that shows exactly what they recommend…I guess the only way it could be clearer for the laundry-lame would be if we actually had a laundry stewardess in a tailored uniform come down the aisles between the machines and demonstrate with smiles and gestures to a prerecorded announcement. (Hell, that’ll spike the monthly rent right up, won’t it?!). Once you’ve loaded the tub properly and made sure that neither a sock nor a child (or pet!) has gotten caught in the rubber seal around the door, use the proper amount of detergent and in the proper orifices offered to you….why am I hearing snickering? Washing machines have orifices too! Now! Here’s the solution to your aggravation with machines that go out of balance and don’t complete their cycles correctly….(even if you DO stay and try to brace the machine that’s loaded properly, you can end up “rasslin’ it” back and forth and accomplish nothing more than being laughed at by other customers and throwing your back out for a week!) Here’s what I do; be sure to take a couple of extra terry-cloth dishtowels to the laundry with you. If you use a giant laundry bag, that too is a great tool, and here’s why…. Fold each of the towels or the bag several times into a bulky-ish lump, almost like a fabric “brick”, then carefully but firmly slide one (or two if necessary) into the space between the washing machines right up at the top front corner. You’ll have to really “saw” the folded cloth back and forth to fit it in tightly enough. Take it out and add folds if you need a tighter fit, or remove some folds if you can’t budge it into the space, but remember!.... the tighter the fit of that cushion, the less the machine can wobble when it starts its spin cycle. One towel on each side of each of your washing machines will brace the whole arrangement, and you’ll have a troop of disciplined soldiers marching at attention instead of the gymnasium prom scene from WEST SIDE STORY. I guarantee you can either leave and go get a caramel macchiato or sit in front of it all with your latest issue of the New Yorker and do nothing until the machine turns off…period! The clothes will be thoroughly rinsed clean and spun dry, ready to be shaken out and tossed into the dryer. I taught myself that trick years ago (alright, washing machines had just been invented, and I should have patented my idea!!) but every time I’ve shown it to folks they look at me I like I discovered fire…or invented beignets!!! (I wish I had!!) Let me know if my little trick helps you out Stinky, and makes laundry day a little easier on you. Until you win the Mega-Millions and can have a staff of laundresses doing it all for you, maybe you’ll find the Laundromat a place for coffee and conversation with fun, new friends…. And if not, well, please wear deodorant to my shows, or I’ll be sure to “smell” you out! Xoxoxoxo!!!! Sybil.

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Sybil's "HOLLYWOOD FACT OR FICTION??"......

....SYBIL'S "Hollywood Fact or Fiction!"........ yes, Facebook friends, the true story may finally be coming to light! Shortly after his sensational debut in THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (1951), handsome leading man Gort Bronkelmann was accused of being a closet Communist among the Beverly Hills “lefties”. Savaged in the tabloids by the likes of Louella Parsons, Hedda Hopperst and Walter Winchell, he went from being the "Silver Fox of the Saucer Set" to "Blinky the Pinko", a target for ridicule in comic strips, bathroom stalls, and Bosco commercials..... Ashamed and broke, Gort fled the scene for nearly twenty years, reportedly living hand-to-mouth by flipping enchiladas in Tico-Tico, Mexico and bagging groceries in Chagrin Falls, Ohio. He secretly studied "method-acting" through the Lee Strasberg "You-Can-Act-In-Your-Pajamas" correspondence course that was listed on the back cover of a Wonder Woman comic book he saw at a barber shop. He disguised himself and returned to Hollywood as a "newcomer", befriending the former star and now down-and-out Joan Crawford as her shopping pal and eventually her personal assistant. She later cast him as TROG (1970) where his disguise completely fooled his former enemies. He became a much beloved spokesman for the Pepsi-Cola company. Having a life-long need for salty snacks, Gort was instrumental in the corporate purchase of the Frito-Lay empire boosting sales of both product lines. Shortly before Crawford's death, Gort/Trog revealed his true identity by tearing off his floor-length fake-fur/bathmat jumpsuit at a shopping mall grand opening! The same old polished steel profile sparkled again in the sun before the cheering crowd and the flashing cameras! Crawford, dazzled and conspicuously aroused, begged him to marry her, which he did in a private ceremony in Sepulveda for just a few friends and the urn containing the ashes of LB Mayer. Gort gave her a few more years of joy, and finally, peace.....something they had both longed for in their very different lives.....she the classic film icon who bridged the wide span from silent films to Rod Serling surrealism, and he, Gort Bronkelmann, the heir to the failed Bronkelmann's Ladies Notions empire who bridged the wide span from enchiladas to death rays and made it out alive! G-O-R-T........ T-R-O-G.... just a coincidence? You decide.... (Postscript: Yes, Gort was Jewish…..Sadly, even at his birth, his bris had been BRUTAL!!! It took four hours and an acetylene torch! ...and the nice Mohel accidentally set fire to a beautifully embroidered chuppa for the Finkelbeiner wedding later that afternoon.)

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