Sybil Bruncheon’s “Another Kase in Kitty-Kourt!”…
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The Canasta Counter Caper. High Court Judge, Hiss Honor, Sir Felinius Spitzer presiding:
“It is the decision of this Court that you, Mrs. Ibneetha Honque, are hereby found GUILTY of all charges… specifically, that on Wednesday last, you, during your weekly Cabernet & Crackers Canasta Club gathering, did humiliate your orange tabby Maxie in front of the lady-members after a mishap of your own making in the kitchen.
Do you deny that while Maxie was sunning himself on a counter by the window, you deliberately placed a piece of your grandmother’s china… um… yes! Here it is in the report, “a particularly unlovely and overly floral teacup with unnecessary decoration and gilding”, that you did place said cup near his outstretched feet, and then, as you watched, dared, yes, DARED him to brush it closer and closer to the edge of the counter, all the while teasing and goading him on in front of the gathering ladies. The report goes on to say that you and the ladies began to chant various exhortations to Maxie both mocking and daring him to commit mischief, and that when he finally brushed the hideous cup off the counter to smash below on the cracked linoleum of your forlorn working-class kitchen, you then, in a rage, picked him up in front of the gathered membership and spanked, yes, SPANKED his bottom… YES! HIS BOTTOM… and called him “BAD KITTY”!
You daren’t deny any of this… It was all witnessed and attested to by your Chihuahua, a… um… Señor Frisko, who testified on the very docket that you now stand in… albeit on a stool with three dictionaries on it... and a wee-wee pad. Señor Frisko affirmed all of this and more in a cascade of tearful yowling and broken English. At one point, overcome with emotion, he actually fainted and could only be revived with a bowl of water and a jalapeño chew-biscuit… and some scratching behind the ears by the Court nurse.
It is therefore the sentence of this Court, that you shall be taken from this place to your home and there, in the presence of the proper authorities and the entire membership of your club, various items shall be selected from your collection of Hummels, particularly that one called the “Smirking Shepherd, the Traveling Saleslady, and the Overly-Friendly Goat”, and that they shall be smashed to bits, and buried in Maxie’s cat litter, not to be retrieved for 24 hours. In addition, your souvenir pillow from Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio, that chartreuse monstrosity with the fringe, shall be clawed, front AND back, and dragged about the house as a Kill-The-Mousey toy… in front of you and your friends. The Court hopes that this will serve as a severe reminder to you and all of your Canasta-hags that felonies against felines will not cause you to prosper. There. I’ve said it. Now go! GO!... Next case!
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