TODAY IN THE NEWS..... The Crosley family was found Friday morning slumped over what appeared to be their Thanksgiving dinner. Medical personnel immediately suspected dangerous levels of tryptophan in the turkey! ....or perhaps it was the sugar levels in the sweet potato, maple syrup, and marshmallow-ette casserole? EPA men were called in to check for the presence of radon or other toxic gases...Cousin Bob was found slumped over in his 1967 Ford Fairlane parked in the garage with the motor still running.... was it perhaps the carbon monoxide from the car, and was this all a suicide/murder attempt on his part?? Authorities and investigators were baffled until one of the detectives found a video recorder dropped by the coffee table. He turned it back on and the horror, oh God, the horror was discovered right there!!!.....It wasn’t food poisoning or gases… In a deadly confluence of Uncle Fred's endless "knock-knock jokes" and Cousin Millie's tearful stories about being stood up at her junior prom 37 years ago the entire family had succumbed to “Holiday-At-Home-itis”. It was all caught on the video. The people standing closest to Fred hit the ground as if clubbed…. Millie’s listeners collapsed within seconds, some of them falling face forward into their stuffing or drowning in their butternut squash soup…. Family members who were standing farther away but still within ear-shot were found twisted hideously with contorted expressions of fear or boredom on their faces, not unlike the ancient victims unearthed in Pompeii…. The police personnel who found the video camera and made the innocent mistake of turning it on directly into their own eyes were instantly overwhelmed by the toxicity that killed the family, and had to be dragged shrieking and writhing out onto the front lawn to get some air and be attended by EMS workers. Although the taped evidence was valuable, it had to be turned over to a government HAZMAT team, and be put under the direction of the anti-terrorist divisions of both the FBI and CIA. (An interesting side note; Dick Cheney has proposed that the tape be copied onto easily carried dvds and mailed to ISIS hideouts to wipe out enemy strongholds.) Details at 6. Film (censored!) at 11. Stay tuned.
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