Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmas, and the morning-after"...

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Christmas Reindeer Morning After.jpg

Police Blotters across the country... a reindeer's life isn't all glamour!

1) Franklin Falls, Maine: "Dasher" O'Rourke caught outside the Mr. Inkster Tattoo Pad seriously inebriated and yelling that the new tattoo on his left hindquarter was misspelled from "Look At My Holly" to "Look At My Holey".

2) Ganesford, Iowa: "Dancer" Dunigan arrested inside the Could Care Less All-Night Carousel clad only in a coconut brassiere and grass skirt, pole dancing for a large contingent of heterosexual Danish sailors. Dunigan had made several inappropriate and graphic advances of a sexaul nature on the patrons, and threatened to gore many of them if they didn't show him their "pastries". In the cruiser, he collapsed and was rushed to the Ganesford Petting zoo in a diabetic coma.

3) Feldspar, Arizona: "Prancer" Dunigan, twin brother to Dancer, returned quietly after his annual Christmas marathon only to find his home burglarized and occupied by three hoodlums from The Elfa-Bets, the infamous numbers racketeers and Ponzi-schemers. They had vandalized his entire home, and destroyed his collections of Lladro Hans Christian Andersen fairy-tale characters and his Hummels of El Greco saints. The police arrived right after he had taken an antique blunderbuss down from the fireplace mantel and blew the three little elves to the Land Of Nod. The coroner pronounced them dead at the scene. Charges are pending.

4) Pleasant Hill, Montana: "Vixen" Wilcox was arrested with an entire crowd of head-bangers and Mary Kay salesladies during a meth-lab/mah-jongg gambling ring raid. Handcuffed in a chain of thirty other miscreants, he pleaded with the officers and various cattle-wranglers that he didn't understand why other players kept yelling "Crack" and "Bam"... his bail is set at $25,000 in cash or candy canes.

5) Minnehaha Village, Minnesota: "Comet" Banton was found unconscious in an alley behind the Minnehaha Grain & Feed Emporium with an overturned jug of corn-liquor beside him. He was only identified by Cliff Spurgeon, the on-duty manager of the local AA shelter, since his wallet and bridle had been stolen. Instead of arresting Banton, the police left him at the shelter to sleep it off, and have a hearty meal of hay in the morning... if he could keep it down. Banton rolled his eyes and told the cops, "You know what Comet rhymes with, right?".

6) Jonquil Junction, Delaware: "Cupid" Connors, formerly a trusted family man now has one of the longest rap sheets among the ruminant crowd. Left by his wife last Christmas, it was revealed in February that he had been married thirty-seven times before, and in fourteen countries!... and that he had skipped out on all alimony and child support cases. He was picked up by police at the Cuddly Corner Diner having a cup of hot chocolate with their night shift waitress Bernice Cubbins. She reported that he had proposed they elope to the North Pole later after her shift.

7) Abenrathy Place, Connecticut: "Donner" Fitzroy, of the famously aristocratic Fitzroy Foundry family, was stopped by police for drunk driving just outside of Greenwich. He had swerved, he claimed, to miss a squirrel running out in the street with what looked like a walnut chest of drawers, possibly either George II or Chippendale... he couldn't tell because one of his headlights was out. The police impounded the vehicle, a 1930 Duesenberg, and only found the "faun-porn" in the back seat later. Fitzroy's family posted the $2 million bail and rushed him away from the onslaught of press and media clamoring for photos and tawdry tell-all stories.

8) Larabee, Idaho: "Blitzen" Billbathy, aka "Blizen", "Blit-sin", "Bizem", "Bison", and "Bosun"... wanted in several states for elaborate stock (and stockyard!) scams and for selling contaminated cans of fake venison to NRA sponsored charities. Bogus bond trading, real estate inflating, mortgage kiting, and arson charges alerted the state police, and he was apprehended after a brief snowball fight. No one was injured but the sheriff was gored in the... um... "central meso-buttocks area". He is expected to recover everything but his pride.

9) Reports of a 9th reindeer, drunk and with rosacea are still being investigated... Details at 6. Hoof prints at 11.

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