Predictions of “The Rapture”, ‘The End of Days”, and “The Second Coming” are swirling around the world right now with spiritualists and scientists looking for clues in the stars, in the history books, and even in their tea leaves. Although April 23rd has been mentioned in some circles, there have been several other suggestions as to what we might look for as a true sign of the beginning of Armageddon…
1) Mrs. Greta Hibernette of Wauseon, Ohio claims that her prize-winning goat told her over breakfast that the end of the world would come when Flossie, her Guernsey cow would stop giving milk and would instead produce Long Island Ice Teas… complete with lemon wedges and little paper umbrellas. Mrs. Hibernette assures the police, the city council, and the local 4H Club that she will keep them posted once her hangover passes.
2) The Ladies Quilting Club of Kalamazoo realized to their horror that a gigantic quilt they had all been struggling over for three months revealed a terrible visual when lifted and viewed in a mirror. Instead of a fanciful Rand McNally map of Michigan with animals, vegetables, fruits, and historical sites of interest, the mirror image showed a leering figure of Satan drooling and presenting his hind-parts “in flagrante delicto”! The Upper Peninsula was particularly offensive!
3) Hector Mystar reports to the local police station in Delmonico, New York, that he had opened a can of Pringles potato crisps. Instead of finding the expected stack of identically curved and stacked chips, he found a jumble of crumbs and bits. When he poured them out on his kitchen table in disgust, they tumbled exactly into the shape of the Shroud of Turin. He was amazed and deeply moved at the spectacle until the face of the Savior yelled, “Bite My Taters” in Latvian. Mr. Mystar was severely frightened, and he told the police that he didn’t even speak Latvian… nor has he ever heard it before.
4) The Birds Of Paradise pet store in Fullerbeth, Wyoming specializes in parrots, parakeets, cockatoos, and even toucans. One toucan in particular has begun to make overt passes at a cockatoo. Inter-species sexuality, though not unheard of, is frowned on in respectable circles. In addition to the shock of seeing the two birds behaving this way, even in front of children visiting the store, there was the bad news that any offspring from such a union might technically have to be called a “Touca-Too”. The good news turned out to be that the birds were discovered to both be males… although a gigantic “Satan Is Coming” was glued on the front window of the shop in about 40 lbs. of Froot Loops.
5) Bernice Funge of Marquette, Idaho claims that an acorn squash weighing 24 pounds was raised in a Christian Louboutin shoe box without the benefit of sunlight, water, French lessons, or seamless nylons... Ms. Funge says that she will feature the squash at her vegetable stand at the end of her driveway. Under no circumstances will she sell the squash, but she will dress it in attractive and modest ways, and feature it as Queen Esther, the Blesséd Virgin, and Eleanor Roosevelt in various uplifting dioramas titled, “Women Who Saved The World”.
6) 11 year old Bobby McGinty of Zeeville, Arkansas has reported that the guppies in his fish tank have begun swimming in formations repeatedly spelling out the names of US presidents and then the word “Chthulu”… His parents think he said, “Chthulu”, but then again stated that he has a terrible speech impediment and may have been asking for chewing gum.
7) A two-headed llama was born at the Pet-Me-Poppa Petting Zoo in Collinsville, Iowa. At three years of age it began to hold a debate with itself over which was better, Feta or Brie? Though being a llama, it spoke with a Greek accent… or possibly Belgian… it also requested Campari and soda in its trough before dinner time… but with limes.
8) Mrs. Frida Gumm, an 89 year-old stay-at-home chef from Tacoma claimed that she was planning to write a cookbook based totally on recipes for toenails... with recommendations for corresponding wines ……Pillsbury is trying to buy the option!... but The Church of The Unholy Hibachi is still trying to outbid them.
9) The Jesperson High School band in Franconia, Delaware had been a national prize-winner for several years, and even featured in an unbroken record number of thirteen consecutive times in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Suddenly this past week, as they practiced their tribute Scott Joplin and Justin Bieber, all their music came out as an unintelligible jumble. No matter how many times they attempted to start again, nothing worked. Mrs. Gertrude Edelin passing the rehearsal hall stopped and listened, and suggested they record it all… and then play it backward. Sure enough, they heard a voice saying, “Paul is dead”, “Yellow submarine”, “I wanna hold your paw”, and “Your mother sucks cucumber in Akron”… Mr. Dotrice, the band teacher, has decided to stick strictly to John Phillip Sousa marches and only on harmonicas.
10) Zeppeldorf’s Kosher Bakery on 2nd Avenue and East 6th Street in Manhattan has been producing hamentaschen for over a hundred years in the traditional flavors of prune, apricot, raspberry, and poppy seed. Inexplicably, their latest batch came out of the ovens with flavors of crab grass/lint, ketchup/shoe lace, wasabi/nail polish, and Silly Putty. Local rabbis are dumbfounded, concerned, and too agitated to safely perform a bris till further notice.
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