Sybil Bruncheon's "Tales & Tails"... Millie

Millie had started out as most urban kitties do, abandoned very early in life by a neglectful mother either too drunk or too busy with gentlemen-callers (or both!) to raise her litter properly.……Although Jacob Riis photographed her at one of the most dire times of her young life, Millie’s natural beauty shone through, and brought her enormous notoriety in all the gazettes of the day. Society matrons flocked to her neighborhood near the dank and dangerous slum known as Five Points in an attempt to “rescue” her and be seen as the “great philanthropists” that wealthy citizens found to be the most fashionable hobby.

Millie did indeed go on to a very comfortable life, but she nevertheless became an inveterate thief of people's personal property… It started out with small unimportant objects; pieces of string, a paper clip, rubber balls, coins, things left on dressing tables....You know the type! But then she began to raise the stakes… and the consequences. The police couldn't trace her crimes for years because there was no rhyme or reason to them... a rubber band on Monday would be followed by a $2000 earring on Wednesday. What she couldn’t carry off to her hide-aways, she’d simply knock off the edge of tables in an off-hand sort of way, usually when no one was looking, but sometimes right in front of them!

Finally, the authorities tracked her down...she had holed up in a seemingly abandoned paper bag….but her rustling gave her away. As they closed in, she leapt out at them in one final burst of surprise scaring the crap out of all of them. Yowling triumphantly, she escaped and was never really caught again...although there were reports for years that she could be seen lying on other people's desks, pillows, sweaters, bathmats, open romance novels, fashion magazines, dress patterns, gentlemen’s “French Calendars”... you get the idea. She could, on occasion, allow the unwary to scratch behind her ears and compliment her on her lovely whiskers as she did her bathing. Reportedly she was very well loved in spite of, and perhaps because of, her life of narcissism and mischief. …..She had private accounts at Luchow’s, Tony Pastor’s, "21", The Stork Club, The Russian Tea Room, The Rainbow Room, oh, all over..... Of course, she never paid her bills, but they kept seating her anyway…. And at the best tables!

She lived to the ripe old age of 22, although she lied about her age till the very end, claiming she was only 3 or 4. She might have lived longer, but she was killed in a motor car accident of her own making. Her friends had warned her not to drive herself, but she insisted, even though it was very difficult for her to see over the steering wheel of a Duesenberg, and a stolen one at that! She was laid to rest in a very expensive cigar thermidor of carved mahogany with her favorite lobster fork and a brass door knocker in the shape of a pineapple. Her many kitty friends delivered hours of eulogies in the alleyway behind Bergdorf’s …at the top of their lungs…. And the nice people at the Plaza Garden Court Café catered the luncheon… (Other diners were heard to complain about the yowling.)

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Dateline Hollywood!... MEOW!

DATELINE Hollywood!!...... The producers of the new James Bond film SPECTRE (2015) have just revealed that the great Angela Lansbury has made a cameo in it as "Poosy Galore"...still sexy, curvaceous...and..um... frisky!... Co-star Daniel Craig acknowledged at a press conference that Lansbury "Sure is a great kisser!...once you get past the whiskers!.....and the yowling..."

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Tales & Tails"... SOON!

Pixie, a formerly friendly kitty who lived at 2242 Maple Grove Blvd. suddenly began having strange notions. Talking to herself, hiding cheap costume jewelry but leaving expensive items in place, eating vegetables but rejecting sardines and even caviar, trying on hats, lip sticks, etc., etc. Everyone noticed, but hoped it was all a passing phase...something that was quite innocent! It wasn't until that awful night in late November, when Pixie had taken down a cleaver from the cupboard and hid in the sheers in the parlor waiting for kindly old Matilda the housekeeper to meander by... and then the screams, the terrible screams.... the carnage!.... and then all the reporters prying, prying, prying into the crime, the photographers and the flashbulbs...and the scandal.... the shame of I.F.M.!!! (Inherited Feline Madness!!!). Look!!! There in the curtains!!! Behind you!! IT’S PIXIE!!!!! …oh God, NO!!! Pixie!.. NO!!!…

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...from Sybil Bruncheon's "EASTER EGGS-traordinaries"... The Eggs-sorcist!

"The Marshmallow Peeps of Syosset compels YOU!

The Cadbury eggs of Poughkeepsie compels YOU!

The Brach's classic jelly beans compels YOU!!"

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... from Sybil Bruncheon's "EASTER EGGS-traordinaries”… Celebrations on other worlds...

On the Planet Jrzzelkin 22*^pLotky, the inhabitants decided to collect examples of life from other worlds, especially during the alien species' festival-times and celebrations. Sadly, the Jrzzelkins sometimes confused one holiday with another... for instance, after they seized little Jeffy Crawford from the backyard of his home in Perrysburg, Ohio, the Jrzzelkins couldn't decide if they were supposed to use him as a piñata... or stuff him with herbs and bread crumbs...

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From Sybil Bruncheon's "A Few Of My Favorite Things!"...

Did I ever show you my child's camping set?... when I was little, my extraordinary Grandmother insisted that if I was to be sent away for the Summer (Camp Goomy-ma-Goochie... in the Catskills! Do you know it?) that I was to maintain "the sophisticated and civilized niceties that we had been raised in"... her words exactly. She had this special camping set made for me in sterling silver; yes, that's the traditional Army tray, sterling fork and spoon in Georg Jensen "Pyramid", and a sterling salt and pepper set in cobalt glass with a little "Pyramid" salt spoon. And no! There's no knife... apparently I had threatened some child who claimed that the whole thing was only silver-plate! SILVER-PLATE! Me! Can you imagine??... with MY grandmother! I kicked HIS ass...

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From Sybil Bruncheon's "My Merry Memoirs"...

...lovely... as a child I found a box of Golden Guides once: they included "Recipes From The Donner Party", "Driving Nails Safely With Only Grandma's Fine China", and "Oblong Vegetables and First Aid for Internal Injuries"... I found out later that the box belonged to my Uncle Filbert... who lived in a sod-house outside of town...

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From Sybil Bruncheon's "Hysterical Histories"...

November 16th, 1889... Thomas Edison began experimenting with early ideas for a refreshing spa-treatment for patients suffering from depression, nervousness, and kleptomania. After a few months with no positive results, he adjusted his equipment and findings and invented the first electric chair. Ironically, it was a sort of cure for depression, nervousness, and certainly kleptomania.

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Sybil Bruncheon's Funny Fall Features!

Yep!... School is DEFINITELY back in session!... (photo taken at the Happy Prairie Learning Center For Fresh Air & Health in Blytheville, Iowa.) Students are encouraged to think about good grades, meditate about nice things, hum pleasant songs during mealtimes, and to bring in items they find at home on the "I Like To Look At Stuff Fridays"...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Breaking News From The World of Medical Mysteries!!!".... the Giggle-Weevil, and its deadly consequences...

Yes, folks, it's true! A long suspected killer has finally been discovered in our midst; the insidious Giggle-Weevil (Stingus hystericocus) Always dismissed as a myth by the AMA and the conservative Western medical establishment, (like acupuncture!), it has now been affirmed that a small seemingly harmless insect has been the culprit for years... perhaps centuries! Starting with what appears to be nothing more than a mosquito bite, the itching begins to be accompanied by a happy mood... gradually descending into a merry buoyancy, and finally into inappropriate and raucous laughter, wild dancing about, capering, violent gymnastics and often naked calisthenics... and death. There is no known cure... the victim should be made as comfortable as possible, and restrained if he poses a physical threat to those around him, valuable artwork, or innocent farm animals... Seen here are a variety of victims from all walks of life of this dread insect: (Clockwise from top left...)

1) Brijittah Oбрізки - A Ukrainian housewife and interpretive dancer who, during a recital at a local hospice/petting zoo, was bitten by the Giggle Weevil (or the Хихікач-Довгоносик) while she re-enacted all the animals in the "Farmer In The Dell". The audience was rapturous and applauded lustily until she suddenly began a verse about an orangutan marrying a bushel of okras... the children in the audience were delighted, but their parents began to worry, especially as Brijittah disrobed and showed what a fully ripe okra could be used for... With a delighted yowl, she fell to the ground as local police persons descended on her... she died 3 hours later... though with a huge and satisfied smile on her dear old face.

2) Huu Kwan Ping - A cigar and cigarette maker, Ping had always been known as the most grim and sour member of his large and prosperous family. Having absolutely no sense of humor, he was all business and finance, investing his money in tobacco futures and noodle commodities. He was reported to have become a millionaire by the time he was 19 although he only had seven remaining teeth. One night at the age of 31, he was out on a veranda counting his day's profits when he was bitten by the dread Giggle Weevil (or the Gēgē xiàng bí chóng). Within a few minutes he began tell jokes in Mandarin, apparently of his own design, accompanied by obscene gestures and barnyard sounds. Predictably, no one else laughed. He had never been know to be the least bit entertaining or even particularly friendly. And when he died a few hours later face down in a family-sized portion of General Tso's Chicken, the staff at the McDonald's performed a makeshift funeral... and cremated him in the French-fryer. 

3) Alex Trebek – prime-time game-show host. Yes, it’s true. Even celebrities in the whirlwind maelstrom of obscure trivia questions, flipping cards, guessing letters, buying vowels, and interviewing lunk-head contestants from Butt-Smoke, Wyoming can be victims of an unfortunate run-in with a bizarre insect.  Mr. Trebek apparently was bitten by the Giggle-Weevil on an outing to Yosemite National Park and returned from his Summer hiatus to the first Fall taping session. In front of the studio audience, he began to chuckle merrily at some of the unfortunate contestants’ incorrect answers. Always a bit on the condescending side of his comments, Trebek managed during Double-Jeopardy to burst out laughing on one mistake and then roll around on the floor howling behind his podium at the Final-Jeopardy showdown. He was carried away, tears streaming down his face in front of a horrified audience that was forced at the exits to sign a disclaimer; they were deny that any such thing had happened in exchange for $47.00 and a lifetime supply of Tang and Calgon Bouquet Bath Salts. (This was before the FDA scandal that revealed that Tang and Calgon Bouquet Bath Salts were in fact the same product!) Trebek managed to survive his bout with the Giggle-Weevil long enough to tragically pass away from other causes later in the year. 

4) Greta-Mae Linn Eisenhower – a distant cousin of the great Dwight Eisenhower. Greta-Mae was an active member of the Ladies’ Rotary and had the distinction of being an Elk, a Wombat, an Oddfellow, a Daughter of Pythias,  a Daughter of Columbus, a Daughter of Italy, and a Shriner-ette. She participated in every charity bake-sale, church sociable, fire department pancake breakfast, and county fair clown dunk…as the CLOWN! That’s one reason why, due to her naturally merry nature, that no one noticed her decent into the tragic madness of a Giggle-Weevil bite. It was on a charming Sunday morning in April that Greta-Mae casually mentioned that she “thought the lampshade in the foyer might look nice as a church hat”… and that’s just what she did in front of startled onlookers after she cut it loose from its hanging wire. She plopped it cheerfully on her head and strode out onto the front lawn to show it to any passersby. When asked by a child what the thing sticking out of the top was, Greta-Mae looked, thought for a moment, and then declared that it was fuse she might light at any moment to blow up the Bingo Hall since she never got to win… and then off she staggered into town yowling the whole way. Later, after the church services were finished, during which she interrupted Reverend Felter with catcalls and an endless stream of lewd puns, knock-knock jokes, and cookie recipe suggestions during the parable of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. When seized with a sudden attack of flatulence, she excitedly tore the pink bow curtain-tie from her living room window and claimed that it would prevent any unpleasant smells from disturbing her gerbil, Fritzie. Her daughter later reported that Greta-Mae never had a gerbil, that there was no one in their circle of family and friends named Fritzie, and that she was going to really miss that pink floral bedspread! Greta-Mae passed away a week later and was buried in that very same bedspread dress… 

5) Salvador Dali – famous Dadaist and Surrealist painter. Dali is the only know person to have actually swallowed a Giggle-Weevil. Enough said… 

6) Unidentified widows in the Sweet Sepulchre of Restful Souls Cemetery, Itch-hollow, Indiana. According to a front page story in the Itch-hollow Clarion, an assortment of women attending funerals for their husbands apparently were attacked by a swarm of stinging Giggle-Weevils when someone disturbed their nest, possibly in a bush, a tree, or a discarded picnic basket. Within seconds two things happened; one was that all the mourning and weeping turned into laughter and merriment, and two, all the ladies suddenly became fast-friends… All the grieving parties became… well… PARTIES! A grill was set up directly over Mr. Hiram Eggleson’s fresh grave, the Morrison family brought groceries from their car including packs of hot-dogs and all the fixings for s’mores, and someone ran to the local market down the block for beer, pretzels, and soft drinks for the children. Singing, dancing, and off-color rounds of charades and Twister continued well into the night until the local police were called for possible desecration of burial places… no charges were filed, but only because all the participants were dead within 72 hours.

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