...from Sybil Bruncheon's "EASTER EGGS-traordinaries"... The Eggs-sorcist!

"The Marshmallow Peeps of Syosset compels YOU!

The Cadbury eggs of Poughkeepsie compels YOU!

The Brach's classic jelly beans compels YOU!!"

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... from Sybil Bruncheon's "EASTER EGGS-traordinaries”… Celebrations on other worlds...

On the Planet Jrzzelkin 22*^pLotky, the inhabitants decided to collect examples of life from other worlds, especially during the alien species' festival-times and celebrations. Sadly, the Jrzzelkins sometimes confused one holiday with another... for instance, after they seized little Jeffy Crawford from the backyard of his home in Perrysburg, Ohio, the Jrzzelkins couldn't decide if they were supposed to use him as a piñata... or stuff him with herbs and bread crumbs...

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From Sybil Bruncheon's (Not So) Merry Memoirs:

I wish there was a less grim aftermath for Christmas.... I always dread this part of the celebrations. When the trees first start appearing at the street-corner lots lit by strings of bare light bulbs draped mock-gayly between street lamps and parking signs. Salesmen/tree choppers manning their vans and coffee thermoses through the night while their trees of all sizes and varieties lean against each other, stacked and bound with twine til they're examined, and either chosen or rejected for purchase. Little spruces perhaps only a year or two old resting against grand firs of maybe 30 years.... all of them cut down for the ultimate sin; being beautiful.

I know "they're grown for harvesting"..... I know "they're recycled" or "used for mulching".... but I have always, always been haunted by the Hans Christian Andersen story of "The Fir-Tree"... and the end of the story. My parents gayly read the fairy tale to me on Christmas eve, and then that last paragraph... I remember that I was convulsed (literally!), and inconsolable... and they were stunned at my reaction. They never looked at me the same way again... because I was no longer a simple child... with a child's simple sensibilities.

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Sybil Bruncheon’s Our Story Book Corner presents "The Funny Old Tool Shed"!

...and it was at that point that Professor Scawld seized the rusty axe by its handle and pulled it loose from old Mrs. Simpkins’ forehead! "HaHaHAAAAA!", he shrieked, "and now I'll have that piece of pound cake WITH the strawberry ice cream I asked so politely for, you damnable hag!". And he shared some of the delicious treat with Pinky, his jolly little hamster!..... Later, much later, poor little Pinky died when his scarf got caught in his running wheel…

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Our Little Peoples' Library"...

Hello, Boys & Girls! Do you like to read?... oh, I hope so! It's very nice to let our imaginations help create the stories we hear, as opposed to sitting like dumb-ass Uncle Alf, or Drunky Cousin Julie, (or maybe even your parents and let the TV do all the thinking for the day!) Here are three books that are currently in your school library, but don't let the titles fool you! They're a good deal more interesting than they sound!… and Mummie will tell you a few more fascinating details about each of them, but don't worry! I won't spoil the stories or the surprise endings...

THE ADVENTURES OF JERRY MUSKRAT: Published by the Bedtime Story Books Co. and written by Thornton W. Burgess (later tried and convicted of espionage against His Majesty's Royal Navy). Jerry, though a rodent, proves to be extremely clever and even infernally brilliant at tricking various other animals in the village of Little Puddle-Wink into mischief, mayhem... and finally, murder. Fully illustrated including this cover of Jerry giving a ride to Mayor Tim-Toad Terwilliger across Lake Loon. Unfortunately, toads are not very good swimmers, and Jerry has fooled Mayor Tim Toad into playing "Let's Ride A Submarine"... can you guess who's the submarine... and who isn’t?

THE PIE AND THE PATTY PAN by Beatrix Potter: An early story by Miss Potter, long before she found her fame with much more wholesome characters like Peter Rabbit and his bunny family! She had started her career not with animals but with inanimate objects that had become living, talking, anthropomorphized beings, often wearing clothes, holding jobs, and even engaging in questionable “adult practices”. Her first stories were directed at young girls and their education in housekeeping, mothering their dolls, and “lady arts”. THE PIE AND THE PATTY PAN sounded at first like some sort of story about cooking and dessert, but within a page or so, the Patty Pan revealed its desire to fiercely spank a perfectly innocent and trusting Pie… and in a fiery oven fully illustrated as a 9th circle of Hell, complete with demonic rolling pins and other kitchen utensils waving red hot forks over their heads. This book is NOT for the faint of heart… or for diabetics.

FRISKY SQUIRREL’S STORY: … by someone named Amy Prentice; The title, the cover art, the opening page… it all claimed to be a merry little children’s story, but the more you looked, the more dry, ordinary, almost banal it was. Indeed there was nothing frisky about the title character, his cohorts, the prose, the so-called plot and adventures… nothing. Cover to cover, it read more like an FBI dossier except with furry forest animals and their vegetable and flower pals; Mr. Howard Badger smuggled his next door neighbor Blackie Raven out of the basement with a briefcase full of hollow walnuts, Mrs. Gertrude Stoat confronted Fred Weasel about their history overseas in a petting zoo reserved for Ferrets and their associates, Lipshitz Lambkin escaped his pen disguised as an artichoke at three in the morning and informed the Bulb Council that a tulip was hiding in a bed of daffodils… possibly armed with a fully loaded carrot…

Just as each chapter would end, instead of a resolution there would be a short addendum claiming “More Information Is Pending.” Within a week of publication and release to Children’s Book Stores, there were claims that government officials, intelligence agencies, and foreign embassies were deciphering all sorts of top secret “intel” hidden in the remarkably dull tales. And code breakers by the hundreds were assigned the task of figuring out anagrams from the characters’ names. The best they could come up with included “Queer Pooterzj”, “Commy Pinqbottum”, and “Haz Coootie derr”.  Even the name Amy Prentice only turned into “May Pet Nicer”, or “Meant Pricey”, or “Prince Meaty”… whatever…

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmases That Mostly WEREN'T!"... some friendly advice...

Katey couldn’t believe Santa actually came up to her at the Fun Park Toy Fair… She had sat on his lap earlier and told him what she wanted for Christmas, and he had listened carefully and took some notes! And here he was again, smiling, laughing, and smelling like some kind of medicine… the kind that made Grampa laugh a lot during football games.

Santa said he was getting Katey the car she asked for, and that he was also giving her a bottle of his funny-medicine. He snuck it to her from under his red suit… and he told her it was okay to drink and drive. There wasn’t any such thing as a five-year-old policemen…

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmases That Mostly WEREN'T!"... Rules are rules!

Janey forgot that Daddy said don't go sledding at the Grand Canyon... and Ted wasn't going to remind her...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmases That Mostly WEREN'T!"... Daddy's new wife...

It was the Christmas of 1961 when little Jacqui met Daddy's new wife, Mrs. Kelly. That's what she wanted Jacqui to call her for a little while longer, especially because Daddy had just met her at Thanksgiving when he went on a business trip to a place called Club Med. Daddy explained to Jacqui that sometimes grown-ups like a person right away and don't need to wait around to find out if they kiss good...

...so there they all were decorating the Christmas tree with Mrs. Kelly making martinis and drinking most of them, and Daddy laughing nervously but also drinking and sneaking kisses to the lady calling herself Mrs. Kelly. Jacqui was so happy decorating the tree with the shiny ornaments and twinkling lights. She didn't hear Mrs. Kelly whispering in Daddy's ear about how much better it might be if Jacqui decorated the tree by herself... maybe putting up some more lights or fixing the wires... while standing in a puddle...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmases That Mostly WEREN'T!"... Food! Glorious FOOD!...

When the Recession hit, many families had to go without Christmas presents... and even dinner. Daddies explained to their children (often while the Daddies cried or banged their hands on the table!) what a Recession was, and how it wasn't as bad as a Depression, but still...!!

That's when a grocery store nearby would ask a local wax-dummy maker to design a fake turkey to be driven from house to house at Holiday time. It only cost $5.00 to rent the wax-dummy turkey for ten minutes, and then off it would go to the Fergusons, the Baxters, or the nice old lady with all the cats on the corner of Elco and Fairfield...

And that's when Mother would come in and say that even though we didn't have turkey, good little children should eat 20 or so rolls... with lard... and not complain...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmases That Mostly WEREN'T!"... snack time at the North Pole...

It was well known that Santa "was chubby and plump" and shaped "like a bowl full of jelly", but no one ever discussed his voracious appetite other than the cookies that millions of children left for him on Christmas night all around the entire world... and WHY they might have! Why, indeed?! Gradually though, children began to notice fewer and fewer reindeer accompanying Santa on his travels... first Donner, then Blitzen, and finally Dasher, Vixen, Comet, and eventually poor, trusting Cupid... gone, all gone... never to be seen again.

It was that particular Christmas in 1943 when only Dancer and Prancer, thoroughly exhausted, failed to clear Mt. Beauregard in the Ozarks. Santa and his entire sleigh plunged from a height of three and half miles into a remote canyon somewhere in Arkansas...

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