Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmases That Mostly WEREN'T!"... some friendly advice...

Katey couldn’t believe Santa actually came up to her at the Fun Park Toy Fair… She had sat on his lap earlier and told him what she wanted for Christmas, and he had listened carefully and took some notes! And here he was again, smiling, laughing, and smelling like some kind of medicine… the kind that made Grampa laugh a lot during football games.

Santa said he was getting Katey the car she asked for, and that he was also giving her a bottle of his funny-medicine. He snuck it to her from under his red suit… and he told her it was okay to drink and drive. There wasn’t any such thing as a five-year-old policemen…

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmases That Mostly WEREN'T!"... Daddy's new wife...

It was the Christmas of 1961 when little Jacqui met Daddy's new wife, Mrs. Kelly. That's what she wanted Jacqui to call her for a little while longer, especially because Daddy had just met her at Thanksgiving when he went on a business trip to a place called Club Med. Daddy explained to Jacqui that sometimes grown-ups like a person right away and don't need to wait around to find out if they kiss good...

...so there they all were decorating the Christmas tree with Mrs. Kelly making martinis and drinking most of them, and Daddy laughing nervously but also drinking and sneaking kisses to the lady calling herself Mrs. Kelly. Jacqui was so happy decorating the tree with the shiny ornaments and twinkling lights. She didn't hear Mrs. Kelly whispering in Daddy's ear about how much better it might be if Jacqui decorated the tree by herself... maybe putting up some more lights or fixing the wires... while standing in a puddle...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Hysterical Histories"... Epiphany"...

… also known as Three Kings Day...or The Twelfth Day of Christmas... an alternative history...

Yes, boys and girls, we all know the nice story of how the three wise men (or kings, as some people called them) came to Bethlehem to see the Holy family and the newborn baby in the manger. And even though Jesus was born in a stable with barnyard animals everywhere and bad smells, the three royal visitors brought very valuable gifts to him, (although we never DO actually find out what happened to those gifts later or if they were cashed in for money to help the family out or at least contribute to Jesus going to a good school in a better neighborhood!).

At any rate, over the years, there have been rumors that Melchior, Balthazar, and Caspar might NOT have been the first (or only) three wise men to reach Mary, Joseph, and the blesséd savior on that special night. Here is one of the other possibilities now being suggested by both archaeologists and scriptural scholars.

The three "wise men" were actually called The Three Friskiccinos, a troop of former college pals who majored in beer, babes, and bocci balling at Babylonia U. After they graduated with degrees in macramé tent and brassiere making, they decided to tour the Middle East, and stumbled on the stable in Bethlehem when they needed a wall to relieve themselves behind. Hearing a bunch of animals making barnyard sounds and an annoying little boy banging on a drum, they peeked into a window and saw "the Nativity" scene. As inebriated as they were, they still recognized that something special was happening, and they felt compelled to help out in any way they could. They searched through their luggage for some sort of contributions they might make... and this was the result: from left, they were...

1) Anwar "Hardee Har Har" Gummswalloo who gave a bunch of Sumerian nudey-post cards, "that the little boy would grow up to appreciate hot babes, especially during Spring break on the Dead Sea!",
2) Joralemon "Bunko-Boy" Carobbash, who donated his little black book that "the kid will have a head start on his nursery school classmates when it comes to cool hangouts and the ladies that work there", and
3) Mr. Nancy Hottie-Hotep, popular drag performer from Alexandria who donated three of her bath robes, a 10’ feather boa, a pair of open-toed sandals, and a brand new lip stick "in case your boy grows up to like show-business and perform in front of large crowds!"... apparently, all the gifts were graciously received by the new parents.

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Sybil Bruncheon's Holiday Reading Sizzlers!...

Hey, Folks! It's Holiday time, and everyone's asking Santa for some nice new books for the New Year! Are YOU???

...well, Mummie found some reading suggestions for you from a place called Porny Place Publishers, and they're exactly the kind of books that will get you noticed at the next meeting at your book club!... maybe even by that Amway heiress from Omaha... or a European count from a postage-stamp principality!... Yay!!!

Here you go!... "Homosexual Train"… is followed by "Gender Reassigned Tramp Steamer", "I'm Bi On My Tricycle", "Daughters of Lesbos 18-Wheeler", “Tranny Trolley”, “Homo Hobo Highway”, and "Queer Studebaker"... the final books in the series are... "I Became A Eunuch On A Unicycle"... "Wimp Wagon Weenies"… and "Man-Lady On Roller Blades!"…

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “Christmases Past… Mr. Potter and the Orphanage"...

Mrs. Charmondeley, the Matroness-In-Charge of the Benevolent Society of the Woeful Foundling Orphanage greeted the children as they came downstairs to sing their holy songs and to then each receive their biscuit with a nice raisin in the middle of it. The children were expected to curtsy politely to Mr. Potter the orphanage's patron, to thank him for the generous portion of corn and bean chowder they had for their Holiday banquet, and then to return to their iron beds in the attic!....

… (interestingly, Santa arrived just after midnight and discussed plans with all the children about his plans for the brakes in Mr. Potter's limousine to go out as he and Mrs. Charmondeley were driving back from the Rainbow Room! There was a cliff near the Palisades that would work perfectly well.)...

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “Christmases Past!”… Shop 'Til You Drop!...

... and then, with just a few days of Christmas shopping left before the 25th, Mrs. Janelle Montoya was sentenced to pay the ultimate penalty for her profligate spending by the National Bureau of Beleaguered Husbands. On Christmas Eve, she was given a last meal of cucumber and watercress sandwiches and Earl Grey tea from the Bonwit Teller Ladies Luncheonette, and then, after some whispered confession to a lingerie buyer from Saks, her left leg was strapped to an old armchair with a frayed, wet extension cord, and her newly coiffed head with her favorite cloche from Lilly Daché was stuck into a floor lamp that had been on the fritz, and the switch was thrown.

Film clips of her as she jumped about and smoked were played in movie palaces all over the country to dissuade other housewives from such extravagant mischief while the Great Depression continued to rage.... Women cowered in their seats as their husbands and various "OBEY-YOUR-MAN Clubs" cheered and thumped their Old Testaments!!... (Is there a moral to this story, Ladies??... Yes! Vote!...and VOTE WISELY!).

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Sybil Bruncheon’s "After Christmas Capers"… Chapter 12; "The Girls”…

Inga had just come in from skating all night with her pals from the Norwegian Olympic team. It wasn’t that she was even close to their ability or athleticism, although everyone commented on her unmatched grace, even as a dedicated amateur, but she did love skating with the Northern lights waving like incandescent curtains while she glided over the frozen pond, imagining herself flying among the stars.

And Beatrice had just wandered in from after an evening with her French lover, the Duc du La Chou Chou. It was true, as all her girlfriends here said, that he was a bit old for her, but then again he was still quite handsome in a distinguished way, and was undeniably… um… energetic… in his “attentions” to her. Generous both in gifts and in his love-making, sometimes he even made Beatrice blush both in the jewelry shops and in the boudoir! On occasion, she could be talked into a hushed confession or two, which would send her girlfriends into fits of giggling tinged with admiration and envy.

The Harleton twins, who insisted on dressing as differently as possible sat beside each other listening to the stories whirling around them, dreaming of their own adventures someday. And adventures they would have too; their family had made a fortune in bisque and porcelains in the mid-1700s and had been at the forefront of the first experiments with plastics in the mid-1800s at the Great Exhibition in London… for Queen Victoria! They’d been told that when they reached a respectable age, they would be allowed to leave home and tour the world as well-to-do and highly educated young ladies (but always as a pair!... which is why they always insisted on dressing differently from each other though identical twins!).

Dotty, always shy and trying to stay out of the way, tiptoed behind Princess Mtumba-Wanda, and Baby Kootch who kept accidentally-on-purpose kicking Clotilda in the shoulder. Clotilda was frantic that Kootch might damage her pearl choker, which was actually glass beads, but she was incredibly vain about both her alabaster skin and the perception by everyone that she had been a member of the nobility in a far-off place like Bulgaria… or Latvia… or a place called Idaho.

Oh, there were others that gathered again to chat, have tea, select a few pastries, and meet old friends. But the whole scene took on some drama when Nanny Prother who was very intent in her conversation with a couple of ballerinas and a Mexican Señorita didn’t notice that the baby perambulator she had wheeled in began to roll away and bumped into the glass! A small crowd of various characters scolded and clucked over her doddering absent-mindedness… which only embarrassed her and made her tearful. When Tink, the little bear from a neighboring zoo display, sneaked in to see what the fuss was all about he was shushed and almost shooed away, but Doreen alerted everyone.  

A little girl had moved slowly up to the window, and no one knew how much she had seen. Doreen was always more aware of the people outside being a bit of a coquette herself and more in tune with the so-called “ways of the world”… She stared the girl down, looking right into her eyes while everyone else adopted the straight-ahead, far-away look that they learned from birth; that look that saved them usually from… God knows what… sometimes. Doreen kept staring and recognized the little girl as DeeDee Krentworthy, the one with the fancy limousine that was longer than the tiny store where they lived. And she remembered that DeeDee had looked in the window just a few days before on Christmas Eve and dismissed everyone standing patiently in the cheery holiday display. “No, Papa, I don’t like any of them! Not even that little bear!”.

Doreen didn’t mind being lumped in with the other dolls, and she certainly didn’t feel strongly about defending any of them from a bully… well, maybe except for Nanny Prother who really was very good-hearted even if there wasn’t ever any baby doll in her perambulator… but Tink! Doreen wouldn’t tolerate someone hurting Tink’s feelings. She began to growl under breath, but Inga and Beatrice shhhhed her when they saw her start to clench her fist. DeeDee’s eyes widened… she saw the fist too. Suddenly she shivered, even in her matching beret and fur jacket ensemble… and she could almost hear through the glass Doreen’s muttered,  “Buzz off, you little shit.”…

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Sybil Bruncheon's "CHRISTMASES PAST"... Meyer Flotzam.

...it had all started out so happily... that Christmas of 1951, for Meyer Flotzam, a clever and quickly promoted product-developer at the Gillette Shaving Corporation. For the Christmas gift-giving season, he created his "All-Mechanized & Fully-Automatic Beard 'n' Mustache Trimmer!".... (the merchandising department was going to work on the name!). Meyer had done over 500 perfectly executed and finely tuned trials of the machine in front of technicians, coffee-break claques, boardroom executives, and large convention audiences with not one slip... But then, just as he was showing it to the Wauseon Ladies Republican Club for Harriet Gillette and her luncheon pals, he was called to the phone by her maid. Without thinking, he turned to pick up the receiver...and.... well... it had been such a fine nose too... and so aristocratic.....

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Sybil Bruncheon’s "CHRISTMASES PAST!"... the chemistry set...

....and it was then that Santa realized that a chemistry set for Billy had been a bad idea!!.... who would have thought that an 8-year-old would figure out how to make chloroform??....

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Sybil Bruncheon's LAW & ORDER CHRISTMAS MARATHON!!!...

I have received special recognition by the Law & Order franchises!.... it seems that I have appeared as a dead body in more Holiday episodes’ opening credits than any other actress! They are as follows;

1) "aged ballerina dressed as Suzy Snowflake… melted by blowtorch",

2) "department-store Mrs. Santa Claus sliced neatly into 36 pieces by runaway sleigh",

3) "candy counter lady dipped in very expensive chocolate ganache and boxed as a giant truffle",

4) "Salvation Army volunteer stewed in her kettle with bell....and loose change",

5) "naked ex-pinup girl bent into candy-cane shape… and painted with red and white stripes",

6) "temporary saleslady at luxury candle shop turned into lavender scented wax dummy of Joan Of Arc ....and burned",

7) "professional gift wrapping manageress origamied into an 8x11 legal envelope…with a Burl Ives postage stamp",

8) "sober socialite at AA mixer water-boarded in giant punch bowl of alcohol-free egg nog… cinnamon sticks found in nose",

9) "customer in Bergdorf's fine shoe department trampled by hooves of eight tiny reindeer",

10) "homeless woman found frozen to death inside an orphanage Frosty-The-Snowman... near the swing-set",

11) "wealthy dowager stuffed up chimney in Park Avenue triplex on Christmas Eve and found later in the Spring",

12) "mother of Amahl raped and murdered by three deranged night visitors…in drag!... and smelling of patchouli… and nutmeg!",

13) "television baking chef made into huge gingerbread lady in front of millions of viewers ..with strategically placed raisins"

Chris Meloni sent me a special fruitcake that I'm sure will make a great door stop! (He even autographed it in frosting.... at least, I think it was… frosting....)

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