Sybil Bruncheon's 31 Days of Halloween... and tonight on BRAVO...

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF SALEM… Tonight on BRAVO’S hit series, host Andy Cohen interviews the girls about their latest dramas:

Pinchetta confronts Yustachia about the fender-bender she suffered on her new broom and claims that the brakes had been tampered with, possibly through a demonic spell.

Floozelda reveals what triggered her upending the table at Cackleton’s Café during the Ouija Board party and dumping everyone’s eye-of-newt soufflé in their laps! It appears she didn’t divorce her fourth husband… he was the hors d’oeuvres during the appetizer course.

Evillene tells everyone she’s just found out that she is pregnant and the ultra-sound reveals a healthy two-headed baby boy-thing. She will be giving up smoking her corn-cob pipe so as to minimize the risk of birth defects… or gender-confusion..

Grotesquella has decided to sell all her shares in Potions Consolidated, her skincare company, because the SEC is investigating her offshore involvement in a Transylvanian blood transfusion monopoly. She reveals that her beauty secret was no more than powdering with Gold Medal flour and doing her make-up with laundry markers.

Serpentina crosses wands with the Gloomdell twins over their sabotaging of her crystal ball concession at the International Sorceress Convention in Plymouth. Apparently they replaced her fine rock crystal ball with a snow globe filled with Crisco Oil and alka-seltzers.

 Windenina is confronted by Pompalia for handing out bizarre treats on Halloween night including marshmallow peeps shaped like llama poops and M&Ms flavored with ink. Last year she handed out three Ritz crackers to each child claiming they represented the Father, the Son, and Casper the Friendly Ghost.

 Rosamunda tells everyone that her bath soaps are selling surprisingly well… not because they lather very much but because they are shaped like oblong vegetables. The rest of the girls ask if she realizes that children could hurt themselves with them, and she decides to create a “child-size” collection… so “they can really learn to appreciate oblong vegetables when they grow up”.

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*Tour-ette from Abingdon Sq. Park in Greenwich Village! A quick trip into NYC!... and out! 4/26/2022

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Just my opinion... BUT!"...

Sybil photo by Jack D. Pedota, styled by Susan Suka Taylor

1) Jar Jar Binks is one of the most loathsome characters in the history of fiction. Tedious, incoherent, and physically too ugly to live... as though Jabba the Hutt had finally taken a sh*t after two weeks of constipation... and it decided to talk.

2) Urkel... clear evidence that one last attempt was made in the 20th century to create a Steppin' Fetchit minstrel character to insult African Americans' intelligence and culture, (apparently with cooperation from some of them themselves...)

3) Aunt Alicia was right! "Bad table manners, my dear Gigi, have broken up more households than infidelity." Travel the country and watch how people hold their forks... and chew.

4) Perhaps this covid epidemic and all the obsession over cleanliness, contamination, and the transmission of germs and disease will finally convince people to keep their filthy feet off publicly used furniture and seating, especially in airports and in Starbucks!... then again... probably not.

5) The death penalty is not much of a penalty. We ALL die eventually, and most of us die rather badly. Very few people die peacefully in their sleep at a great old age, after a long, healthy, and problem-free life. So if we really want to punish someone, give him a life sentence in an appalling place with excellent medical care but unending squalor, deprivation, and despair... among his own kind.

6) Now that humans have developed simulated violence as entertainment, we watch "real housewives" instead of gladiators or chariot races. Their forlorn misadventures and mischiefs are like all reality television; a combination of metaphorical sword fights, joustings, fiery car crashes, and disembowelments. Sadly, we still seem to need "Ultimate Fighting Championships" and bullfighting.

7) All intelligence is not a matter of what one knows, but what one is curious to find out. The greatest minds through history have been insatiably curious, and usually felt at the end of their lives that they knew so little, and were filled with an overwhelming desire to learn more. Avoid anyone who is the dead opposite of this, especially in politics... or in your family… or in mine!

8) Kindness can be found anywhere and everywhere, and under the most surprising circumstances and from the most surprising sources... unfortunately monstrous cruelty can be found under exactly the same parameters. I have no idea what this means. But one must be ferocious... and be ready to do great and terrible things for one's loved ones… and for the causes one cares about.

9) It's better to know the worst in a situation, make arrangements and strategies that will serve you, and hope for the best in case things turn out better than you expected. In any case, remember to be Present, to be Mindful, and to be Grateful. Everything around us is Borrowed... only Borrowed.

10) In my experience, it seems that people through history who lived very long lives, weren't necessarily better off or even "happier". Indeed, many of them seem to have been full of turmoil, conflict and struggle, but... they all seem to have "burned" for something. They burned brightly for things they cared about. They were committed to things that mattered. They lived authentically and vividly, often at odds with most people around them. They had light coming out of them, and did not require others to provide their light, their truth, or their purpose... or even to validate the mystery of their existence... interesting.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Who'z Dat?"... Happy Birthdays on March 5th...

Clockwise from top left: James Sikking, Joan Bennett, Samantha Eggar, Dean Stockwell, Jack Cassidy, Virginia Christine, Rex Harrison, Henry Daniell, Henry Travers, and Elaine Page.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Olympic Coverage Tonight!"... the Beijing Bump & Grind Bob-Sled Stadium...

Broadcasting LIVE, the Women's Finals in the singles competition! An interesting coincidence in that the four top-ranked competitors all happen to be nuns; France/Sister Marie-Giselle from La Sainte Maison de la Miséricorde et Les Manières de Table Impeccables, Hungary/Sister Magdarra Jargada from A Meditáció és a Jeges víz Szent Kunyhója, Argentina/Sister Maria Conconchita Esmeraldita con Esculita y Mucho Saborita from El Retiro Sagrado de Los Asuntos Mundanos y Los Malos Toques, and finally the USA/Sister Mary Kiki Connover from the Nun Hut in the Sepulvida Bargain Mart (near the Slossen cut-off). Perhaps because of their Holy status, all the other competitors give the Sisters a wide berth and consequently a huge advantage in the contest. Or perhaps their reputations for being ferocious and aggressive drivers of pick-up trucks, fork-lifts, and rider-mowers is the secret... all four have arrest records for felonious motorized vehicle crimes. Stay tuned...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Olympic Coverage Tonight!"... the Friendly Little Shepherdess Convent of Covington, Kentucky...

In the Care-Full & Prayerful Community Cafeteria the Sisters of all ranks have gathered to watch Sister Mary Helgillina compete in the Women's Obstacle Course and Hand-to-Hand Combat/ Downhill Luge. Traveling at over 120 mph and in her habit and wimple (as required by Monsignor Cryptuss McGallagher), she must race eight miles of winding, wind-blown track with carefully placed boulders, prickly pines, and assorted grizzly bears, coyotes, and enraged muskrats, while swinging wildly at other competitors with an assortment of croquet mallets, putting irons, and kitchen utensils. All the women of course are on their little luge sleds with no brakes of any kind... Mary Helgillina's advantage over her competition?? The Reverend Mother had set aside all of her kitchen duties over the last nine months so that she could practice sledding on a cafeteria tray while the other Holy Sisters pelted her flying by with old socks stuffed with potato peelings. Stay tuned...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Hysterical Hollywood Histories"... the Creamsicle Trio...

(photo of happier times courtesy of Paul Norman)

... ah, yes! The famous Creamsicle Trio! Known for their occasional appearances on the Lawrence Welk Show, Arthur Murray's TV Party Time, and at various county fairs and 4H Club Jamborees, the Creamsicle Trio had an "on-again-off-again" career from 1954 to 1959.

Originally from Pumpa-Pootah, Iowa, the Nesselroth sisters (Brenda Marie, Fiona Fay, and Gert) started singing in the cradle. Their large extended family marveled at their caterwauling, always on key and in three part harmony right around breast-feeding time. It wasn't long before farmhands, mill workers, and traveling salesmen came a-calling to see the triplets, and they soon became the stars of more than one Sunday church service. The Baptists, Methodists, Adventists, and Lutherans all shared the triplets, booking them at staggered hours from 7:30am to late afternoon year after year, Sunday after Sunday... and finally, at 18 years of age, they were auditioned for the Ted Mack Amateur Hour... and, of course, they won! $811.35!!

They put the money towards a publicist, an agent, three prom gowns in their favorite color (bright sunny orange!), and bus tickets to Duluth to premiere at the Yip 'n' Yodel National Songster Championships! They came in 3rd, but out of fifty-eight entries it wasn't too disappointing, and they won $1162.72 (after fees and taxes) and a contract to tour on the Myron Moskowitz Melody Circuit. Within a month, the manufacturers of Creamsicle brand ice cream offered to sponsor them and buy out their contract from the Moskowitz circuit.

The girls continued to tour the country, but added USO shows with Bob Hope, and appearances on various TV series; Perry Mason (as a three-girl ponzi scheme), Alfred Hitchcock (as a three-girl Siamese triplet), and on the Twilight Zone (as a three-girl ventriloquist act that is eventually killed and partially eaten by their dummies). Soon, orange had become the new favorite color for everything... from fashion to food to interior design and convertibles!

Everything seemed to be going oh-so-well, until the beginning of the free-love 1960s. While touring through Berkeley, California, they were introduced to a world of hippies, love beads, fringe-vests, suede mini-skirts, and marijuana laced with hashish and paprika. Brenda Marie started showing up late for rehearsals and sound checks. Fiona Fay would laugh uncontrollably during scheduling meetings (and even drool). And Gert was found to be secretly dating a boy named Chuck or Charlie Manson who claimed he wanted to be "farmer for Jesus".

It all came to a head on the Ed Sullivan Show when the girls were heard backstage through an open mic to laugh that the public "wouldn't touch those damn Creamsicles if they knew they were made from horses' hooves and old cottage cheese." The studio audience was aghast, and between the screaming caught on-air and the network switchboard lighting up, the girls were snatched from their dressing room and spirited away from a gathering mob on West 54th Street. The news was broken to them on the grey Monday morning... they were finished. Everywhere. FINISHED!... even at the 4H Jamborees. Even in the Jams & Jellies tents...

Whenever and wherever they showed up, people pointed and laughed... or told them that "the Prince of Darkness would swallow them for his diabolical delights"! Their poor parents now became pariahs in their own farm community. And radio ministers preached on Sundays that this was "the wages of sin". Creamsicle even sponsored one national Sunday show called Jolly Bob's Hour of Salvation where Robert "Chuckles" Thumbkin harangued the worshippers in his Cathedral of Cheer and the radio audience at home to reject "preverts and dirty Communists" who made up "false lies about wholesome and nutritious American foods like Creamsicles"...

By 1963, the girls had become nearly homeless. Brenda Marie was working long hours at a lady's lingerie sweatshop attached to the Wayward Women's Shelter on the Bowery. Fiona Fay was occasionally seen in an alleyway nearby on Great Jones Street with a bottle of Muscatel or Woolite... and a sailor. And Gert joined the lower end country fair and carnival circuit as a barker at the Guess Your Weight/Guess Your Age tent... her alto voice and her six pack-a-day Chesterfield habit allowed her to disguise herself as a man. Sad. Very sad.

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Sybil Bruncheon's “A Few of My Favorite Things”… Agatha Christie's "Hercule Poirot"...

These are some of the most famous portrayals of Agatha Christie's iconic character, Hercule Poirot... and each may have its strong points, entertaining nuances, or annoying weaknesses.

In my opinion, and again, it's only my opinion, (like my feelings about performances of Jane Marple) some are loaded with brilliance, and others are... um... well, nearly unforgivable. In fact, I will not even name them all because of that; sulky, arbitrary, unintelligible, pedestrian, self-indulgent, high-schoolish, frivolously clownish... I'm amazed Christie hasn't clawed her way up through the rocky clay to seize some of them by their throats and drag them to Hell!

On the other hand, for me, there are two ideal Poirots; for the "small screen", it's of course, David Suchet. Interestingly, if you've seen him in other projects, he personally bears no resemblance to the little Belgian detective, short of being... well, short. (He's only 5' 7") He created the small egg-shaped appearance of Poirot by padding himself, changing his center of gravity, slowing his stride to mincing little steps, confining all his gestures to close-to-the-torso hand-fluttering, and reducing his naturally deep manly voice to higher-pitched whispering. His Poirot could almost be accused of being a fey "camp" impersonation of a 1930's "faggot". His fussing and compulsive housekeeping would be off-putting in a lesser actor, but Suchet carries it all off, and charmingly so. Coincidentally, Peter Ustinov, who played Poirot to Suchet's Inspector Japp many years earlier, told Suchet that he could play Poirot himself and gave him some of the Christie books to read... and the rest is history, literally! Suchet holds the record for playing the little detective in more projects, in more venues, and for more years than any other actor... in history!! His mustache alone underwent an extraordinary evolution as can be seen in the reruns!...

... and a Poirot for the "silver screen"? For me, it can only be Albert Finney. When he first appeared in 1974, audiences were startled by Finney's mannerisms, his stylized vocalization and gestures, and the fact that he'd evolved from being a "leading man" (of sorts) into a such an extreme almost freakish character. But director Sidney Lumet loaded the film with such an extraordinary supporting cast, such style and elegance, such beautiful cinematography, editing, and a lush film score to boot, and all confined in the tight compartments of the Orient Express that Finney's Poirot felt perfectly natural. His meticulous fastidiousness even while dying his hair and mustache is perfect. In fact, he was nominated for an Oscar as Best Actor, and the film received another five nominations in other categories.

When the story was remade yet again later in 2017, the budget was 50 times greater; there were spectacular but unnecessary CGI exteriors and vistas, a surprising dearth of style and elegance, and superfluous embellishments... like that absurd mile-wide mustache, and reconfigured into a Van Dyke of all things!!... you notice I haven't mentioned the actor/producer by name... oh well.

I guess it just goes to show that some characters in the history of fiction, no matter how iconic and brilliant, are not "actor proof"... Fortunately, Christie was dead before most of these stumbling attempts were made. A blessing of sorts. Right before she died, she stated that MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS (1974) was one of her two most favorite films of her work. The other was WITNESS FOR THE PROSECUTION (1957)... with no Hercule Poirot!

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Sybil Bruncheon's Birthdays... December 12th...

Happy Birthday!!!...(clockwise from lower left) Laura Hope Crews, Edward G. Robinson, Connie Francis, Cathy Rigby, Bill Nighy, Tom Wilkinson, Bob Barker, Frank Sinatra, and Jennifer Connelly.

Sybil Bruncheon's “A Few of My Favorite Things”… Agatha Christie's "Jane Marple"...

Agatha Christie's "Jane Marple"... fortunately, the character is so extraordinary a creation that she is almost "actor-proof". It's nearly impossible to do her badly... or should I say, VERY badly?...

IMO; These are the best portrayals of Agatha Christie's iconic character Jane Marple... and each has her strong points and entertaining nuances...

Julia McKenzie is suitably fretful and self-deprecating as the clues (and murders!) pile up. But she keeps letting us know how “in the dark” she is, until, of course, she’s not!

And when I want a fluttering parakeet with a sharp little beak and tiny claws, it's Geraldine McEwan. Her lemony bite and snarky side-glances are perfect if you want your Miss Marple with an edge.

I can sometimes enjoy Angela Lansbury, if I don't mind stammering, squawking, and dithering. But her Marple is a bit like Mrs. Lovett… without the cannibalism...

…and Helen Hayes would be perfect if I wanted a busy-body granny from next door who smelled of gingerbread and Prince Matchabelli's "Wind Song"...

But I DO have my favorites; when I want comedy, I choose Margaret Rutherford. I love the way she chews everything on camera; the scenery, the dialogue, her fellow actors... nothing is safe from her ham-bone mugging, and every moment with her is a master class in how to mug shamelessly and still merit accolades as a genius. She delights me so much that I can actually binge-watch her "Murder Most-" series of 1960s again and again.

AND, drum roll please!... when I want to revel in my very favorite Jane Marple of all time, it's none other than Joan Hickson, the actress that Christie herself hoped would one day play the sleuth. She never embroiders or accessorizes Marple. There are no arbitrary vocal or physical tricks... no clutter. As a matter of fact, Hickson's Marple is almost a study in Method Acting, as if Marlon Brando or James Dean were doing her. She whispers and mumbles many of her lines, often as if she's not actually speaking to other characters onscreen with her. Her line deliveries are almost introspective meditations... I sometimes think we're reading her mind. Her silences are wonderful, and her glances at foolish people or at liars are the gold, nay, the platinum standard of stillness. She is the dead opposite of Rutherford, and only elicits laughter from me when I am gobsmacked by her acting brilliance. She has light literally pouring out of her... without the pyrotechnics! Rutherford has the fireworks... and for me, the others are cowbells, kazoos, caterwaulings, and whoopie cushions. Again, just my opinion...

(Counterclockwise from left: Joan Hickson, Angela Lansbury, Margaret Rutherford, Julia McKenzie, Geraldine McEwan, and in the center, Helen Hayes)

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