Sybil Bruncheon's “A Few of My Favorite Things”… Agatha Christie's "Hercule Poirot"...

These are some of the most famous portrayals of Agatha Christie's iconic character, Hercule Poirot... and each may have its strong points, entertaining nuances, or annoying weaknesses.

In my opinion, and again, it's only my opinion, (like my feelings about performances of Jane Marple) some are loaded with brilliance, and others are... um... well, nearly unforgivable. In fact, I will not even name them all because of that; sulky, arbitrary, unintelligible, pedestrian, self-indulgent, high-schoolish, frivolously clownish... I'm amazed Christie hasn't clawed her way up through the rocky clay to seize some of them by their throats and drag them to Hell!

On the other hand, for me, there are two ideal Poirots; for the "small screen", it's of course, David Suchet. Interestingly, if you've seen him in other projects, he personally bears no resemblance to the little Belgian detective, short of being... well, short. (He's only 5' 7") He created the small egg-shaped appearance of Poirot by padding himself, changing his center of gravity, slowing his stride to mincing little steps, confining all his gestures to close-to-the-torso hand-fluttering, and reducing his naturally deep manly voice to higher-pitched whispering. His Poirot could almost be accused of being a fey "camp" impersonation of a 1930's "faggot". His fussing and compulsive housekeeping would be off-putting in a lesser actor, but Suchet carries it all off, and charmingly so. Coincidentally, Peter Ustinov, who played Poirot to Suchet's Inspector Japp many years earlier, told Suchet that he could play Poirot himself and gave him some of the Christie books to read... and the rest is history, literally! Suchet holds the record for playing the little detective in more projects, in more venues, and for more years than any other actor... in history!! His mustache alone underwent an extraordinary evolution as can be seen in the reruns!...

... and a Poirot for the "silver screen"? For me, it can only be Albert Finney. When he first appeared in 1974, audiences were startled by Finney's mannerisms, his stylized vocalization and gestures, and the fact that he'd evolved from being a "leading man" (of sorts) into a such an extreme almost freakish character. But director Sidney Lumet loaded the film with such an extraordinary supporting cast, such style and elegance, such beautiful cinematography, editing, and a lush film score to boot, and all confined in the tight compartments of the Orient Express that Finney's Poirot felt perfectly natural. His meticulous fastidiousness even while dying his hair and mustache is perfect. In fact, he was nominated for an Oscar as Best Actor, and the film received another five nominations in other categories.

When the story was remade yet again later in 2017, the budget was 50 times greater; there were spectacular but unnecessary CGI exteriors and vistas, a surprising dearth of style and elegance, and superfluous embellishments... like that absurd mile-wide mustache, and reconfigured into a Van Dyke of all things!!... you notice I haven't mentioned the actor/producer by name... oh well.

I guess it just goes to show that some characters in the history of fiction, no matter how iconic and brilliant, are not "actor proof"... Fortunately, Christie was dead before most of these stumbling attempts were made. A blessing of sorts. Right before she died, she stated that MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS (1974) was one of her two most favorite films of her work. The other was WITNESS FOR THE PROSECUTION (1957)... with no Hercule Poirot!

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Sybil's "Big Stars On The Little Screen": Bob Ross...

Bob Ross had a speaking voice as effective as Thorazine...and his Do-It-At-Home painting programs were prescribed nationwide by the National Institute of the Emotionally Inconvenienced... within 68 seconds of the beginning of any one of his shows, entire asylums of shrieking lunatics, serial arsonists, and ferocious sex offenders would be curled up dozing comfortably and sucking their own thumbs. Finally, his shows were simply looped on closed circuit televisions, saving millions on mood altering and anti-psychotic medications. Sadly, it was discovered that over-exposure to his "happy little trees", "giggling little waterfalls", and "frisky little squirrels" could result in paralysis and even death. A ward nurse in Paramus left her patients alone and unattended with a Bob Ross marathon on PBS for a full eight hour shift, and returned to a catastrophic loss of life...and/or eyesight. She was tried and convicted of willful negligence, medical malpractice, and assault with a cheerful little brook… with intent to kill.

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A Christmas Special on PBS!!!...

...it's the famous Christmas Special, EBENEEZER & DRACULA MEET FROSTY THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN & THE HANUKKAH GHOUL (1962). A holiday screwball comedy-horror romp starring Rathbone, Price, Lorre, Karloff, and featuring Christopher Lee as Prancer, Peter Cushing as Mr. Potter, Lon Chaney, Jr. as Hermey the Misfit Elf, and Sabu as Tiny Tim.... with Angela Lansbury as Mrs. Santa Claus, Yvette Mimieux as Little Dorrit, Linda Hunt as the Mistletoe Monster, and Herve Villechaize as a plum pudding...ON FIRE!!. (This program is made possible by the George and Mary Bailey Very Charitable Trust… and by contributions to your PBS station from Viewers .....Like YOU! Thank You!)

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Tonight on PBS... The American Experience...

The dark underside of early public television and the challenges of live programming on a limited budget. Produced by Ken Burns, interviews include people involved in the Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood bestiality scandals with members of royalty, the bizarre Cookie Monster Murders cover-up in and around Sesame Street, and the shame of Julia Child's incurable bladder control problems, often during broadcasts. When asked what "incontinence" meant, her husband Paul said it meant that "Julia was born in Europe"...

This PBS program is made possible by the Muriel and Abner Gund Fund, the Poppin Fresh Charitable Trust, the Easy Bake Oven Scholarship Institute, and generous donations from viewers... like you... Thank YOU!

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Sybil Bruncheon's "LET'S MOVE TO CANADA!" Series on PBS. Part One...

Hello, my fellow ex-Americans! In preparation for our migration (or should I say "exodus"?) to our oh-so-friendly neighbor to the North, I am doing a series with Ken Burns on PBS about Canadian culture and history! Twelve episodes that will help us as Americans and grateful immigrants acclimate smoothly and courteously to our new hosts and their splendid nation! Tonight's episode is "Famous Canadians In Fact & Fiction".

Seen here is the notorious, the mysterious, the provocative, the insatiable, but the always polite "Poutine Sulque, Ecdysiast Extraordinaire du Québec"! Poutine (born Gerbyline Frieberger of Powahattan City, Saskatchewan) built her career on her amazing "hour-glass figure" which drove men wild with rapturous desire during her strip-tease performances involving a string quartet (plus oboe and bassoon), an assortment of thoughtfully recited poems (usually haikus and Italian sonnets), and Monsieur LaPoot, a myna bird of indeterminate age (kept securely in his cage due to an unfortunate eye-pecking tragedy to the mayor of Vancouver.) She was hailed from coast to coast and fabulously wealthy. Her notoriety was so great and her talent and beauty such a source of pride (though modestly expressed) that she was received by His Majesty King George V and given some sort of Order or Dame-hood during a capricious weekend with various theatre and music hall persons at Kensington Palace while Queen Mary was away at a Ladies-Only spa in Baden Baden.

Poutine's career was long and extremely successful until, sadly, she made a joke about a third grade geography teacher named Winifred O'Hevlin of Winnipeg who had been in a train wreck as a teen-ager. She had lost her left leg in the tragedy, but had triumphed over her affliction with great aplomb and was an inspiration to her neighbors and war veterans coming back from the front. Unfortunately, Poutine made a meant-to-be-harmless joke during one of her “strip-teasettes” about Winnie-Peg-Leg sitting in the front row. The audience members were too kind to scream or even gasp, but management (regretfully!) informed Poutine after the third show that her services  “would no longer be required”.

Poutine was devastated and later informed the public through the newspapers in her full-page apologies, that she herself had been a young victim of a railway accident. It seems when she was an eleven-year old Canadienne Girl Guide (First Class!) she was hit by the Grand Trunk Railway express during its 3:15 run from Hescotte Heights to Consultanacusca. She was demonstrating elaborate knot-tying in front of her entire troop for her merit badge and somehow found herself on the rails during the Peril’s-Of-Pauline-Half-Hitch-Back-And-Under-Wrap-Around-Noodler! The train broke 13 of her ribs, but the doctors didn’t have to reset anything since she was already encased in 40’ of rope. It took her six months to recover, but “How do you think I got my gorgeous 17 inch waistline?”, she stated defiantly. Interestingly, after she retired from the hurly-burly of the burlesque, she created a line of luxury corsets and “ladies’ dainties”. Her big money came from the line of hernia trusses that she provided to the Canadian Men’s Rugby Association!!!… (This program was produced in part by generous grants from the Maple Syrup Corporation of North America, the Purline Trudeau Charitable Trust, the Gabriella and Hiram Smoot Family, and by viewers like you!.... Thank you!)

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Sybil Bruncheon's "What Ever Happened To???.... LADY ELAINE FAIRCHILDE??"....

True Story! Lady Elaine Fairchilde from "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood" fame fell on fairly hard times after the passing of Fred Rogers and the end of the series. Her drinking problem had been obvious for years, even to the pre-K crowd. Children who visited the set complained that Fairchilde "smelled funny" and would say strange words ...backwards. Her on-air make-up had become more erratic or non-existent, and her complexion began to be more disturbing and even repulsive. At one point, an unruly stagehand pinned a large picture of Karl Malden on her dressing room door with a note stating that her "twin brother" was coming for a visit! The cast was very excited until it was revealed that it was a prank....and that Karl Malden in fact was prettier. 

Fairchilde was often claimed to be the illegitimate child of J.P. Morgan and Carry Nation.... After the series ended, she offered to do after-school recitals and safe-sex shows for grade schoolers using poodle-balloons and confetti guns, but the U.S. Department of Education barred her for life from appearing within a 100 yard radius of any school ....even obedience schools for pets.... She now lives quietly in The Screen Actors Retirement Home For Novelty Performers & Actresses Made Out Of Alternative Materials. She is estimated to be 118 years of age, but only because a tree surgeon counted the rings in her leg when he reattached it after her drunk-driving accident last year. She enjoys collecting paperweights with embedded insects, reciting haikus about crumbled leaves, and baking cookies for The Paul Bunyan Trade School Fair. Her boomerang has been confiscated….permanently. 

(postscript: This bulletin just in. It appears that Lady Elaine Fairchilde may have had a checkered past as a young…er…woman, whatever, in Hardscramble, North Dakota. It seems she was an inveterate shoplifter of discounted lip sticks, rosacea concealers, spackle, and Crayola crayons at the local Woolworth’s and spent much of her teen-age years in the Fargo Reformatory for Inconsiderate & Disquieted Ladies. After her release at 21 years of age, she began a downward spiral of abusing alcohol and/or drugs, possibly absinthe, mescal (including the worm!), and crème de menthe either drunk or snorted along with crack cocaine, heroin, and Lemon Pledge.)

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