Sybil Bruncheon's A Tale for Thanksgiving Time: "SUBURBAN STORIES THAT STUN AND STUPEFY"...

TODAY IN THE NEWS!..... The warning signs had been there for several months. Mrs. Ruth Anne Snively of 1148 Pembroke Lane had complained to her neighbors of strange voices, coming at first from the telephone, the radio, the television where it seemed strange voices always might have been heard. Indeed, "Ruthie", as she was known to all the Girl Scout Troop mothers, had been known for her quick wit, her sparkling sense of humor, her quirky imagination, and for her desire to be a stand-up comedian in local clubs "once the kids have grown up" as she put it. She even managed a couple of tentative debuts at the local Kiwanis and Shriner's clubs where her little act was described by the local critics as "refreshing"....and "a charming bit of whimsical and timely fluff filled with social commentary and some recipes".

Perhaps it was no surprise when Mrs. Snively began to exhibit eccentricities like a growing diet of Hostess Ding Dongs, Pringles Potato Chips, and vegan "beef" jerky. Frequently, she would answer her front door with facial masks of Marshmallow Fluff and Peter Pan Extra-Crunchy Peanut Butter. Her dependence on increasing dosages of St. Joseph's Aspirin for Children did not go unnoticed at PTA meetings...And on weekends, she could be found incoherent in back alleyways completely drunk on cocktails of Tang ....and Woolite....and Maraschino cherries. After her husband Arthur left her taking the children to Chillicothe, her friends tried interventions and enlisting the aid of the Come To Jesus Society Of Sobriety down on Walnut Street... but nothing worked.

It was finally on that terrible day in January when Snively wandered into her kitchen and overheard all her appliances talking behind her back. Oh yes!..They quickly smiled and pretended to change the subject, but it was too late. She had heard the worst!...and the jokes at her expense.... comments about "that tired old apron", and her "water-weight gain after the Holidays".....It was all too much! TOO MUCH!...and so, lovely, sweet, witty Mrs. Ruth Anne Snively calmly went to her former friend the Sunbeam waffle maker, laid her perfectly coiffed head down on its non-stick surface, and slowly pressed herself into a fluffy breakfast treat for the police to find later in the afternoon. Her suicide note was found on the counter beside an unopened bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's and a virgin stick of Land 'O' Lakes lightly salted butter. (You know Land 'O' Lakes? The one with the Indian maiden on the front whose knees look like breasts??)

Well, Ruth is now being treated for first degree burns and minor cheek-dimpling at Flower Of Mercy Hospital downtown, and will be receiving a lovely re-contouring of her complexion while being housed in their newly opened Extreme Neurosis Wing. She's slowly being re-acclimated to Kitchen Chore duty.... but under strict (and loving!) supervision.... (she continues to wear earplugs to ...shut out.. "unwelcome" chatter"...)

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Sybil Bruncheon's "My Merry Memoirs"... Just lick here!...

Imagine my dismay, after saving green stamps for decades, never cashing them in on small, stupid household items, and finally having enough (literally 14 boxcars full) to buy the Chrysler Building (on page 343 of their catalogue!)... and to be told, "I'm sorry ma'am, S&H green stamps has gone out of business... but it sounds like you've got enough there to wallpaper a lovely guest bathroom!"...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "My Merry Memoirs!"... the 1950s...

THE DEADLY MANTIS (1957)... on a personal note, I was cast in the sequel made in 1958 with Kenneth Tobey, Beverly Garland, Gloria Talbot, Faith Domergue, John Hoyt, and Narda Onyx... it was called THE DEADLY WO-MANTIS (1958)... I got to play the title character!... well, until the Marines dropped an A-Bomb on me while I was eating Toledo... JEEESH!

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “Hollywood’s Hysterical Histories!”…

Seen here is a rare photo of Hollywood icon Marilyn Monroe, secretly visiting the set of GODZILLA (1954) on the first day of shooting. She had been in private negotiations with the director Ishirō Honda about starring in the film, but he carefully explained to her through translators that the only American in it would be a male reporter to be played by Raymond Burr. Apparently, Monroe laughed merrily and said “NO, Silly!!” She wanted to play the title character… GODZILLA! She revealed she had been coached for months by her mentor Lee Strasberg and had stayed overnight at the Cuddly Critters Petting Zoo … in their iguana cage! The staff, again patiently, granted that although she was quite convincing at stepping on toy skyscrapers in slow motion and roar-honking loudly on cue, she was still too attractive to play a dinosaur… even if she DID stop using moisturizer. She was devastated and returned to America heartbroken. She immediately married baseball legend Joe DiMaggio. Who she claimed “looks a lot like Godzilla, especially when he just gets out of the shower!”…

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Who'z Dat?"... Marlon Brando (April 3, 1924 – July 1, 2004)

Marlon Brando, Jr. was an American screen and stage actor. He is widely regarded as having had a significant impact on the art of film acting. While he became notorious for his "mumbling" diction and exuding a raw animal magnetism, his mercurial performances were nonetheless highly regarded, and he is widely considered as one of the greatest and most influential actors of the 20th century. Director Martin Scorsese said of him, "He is the marker. There's 'before Brando' and 'after Brando'." Actor Jack Nicholson once said, "When Marlon dies, everybody moves up one." An enduring cultural icon, Brando became a box office star during the 1950s, during which time he racked up five Oscar nominations as Best Actor, along with three consecutive wins of the BAFTA Award for Best Actor in a Leading Role.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Travel Notes From Around The World... Bill and Missy Bailey; 1959"...

Yes, Folks, we’ve found fun and exciting travel notes from all around the world, just for you! Bill and Missy Bailey from Coshocton, Ohio decided that they’d like to see the newest state in the USA; Hawaii! They heard about it before of course, on TV with Lucy and Ricky Ricardo visiting there, and then Connie Stevens and the nice detectives on HAWAIIAN EYE, and… um…. well… Pearl Harbor. But to fly all the way there! Why it’s almost on the other side of the Earth… what with the Earth being round and all! So they saved Bill’s salary for a whole year and booked the whole vacation… during the Summer of course when Missy’s third grade teaching job was done for the Summer!… and off they went!

They had a marvelous time! They had never seen the ocean before in person, or even salt water (well, except when Bill gargled it during his strep throat scare back in February!). And they saw hula dancing, and pigs roasting over a fire pit, and they ate clams, and lobsters, and even poi, although they hated it but ate it anyway to be polite to the native chief and his wives (or whatever they were at the big Holiday Inn Hotel in Waikiki… or Honey-Lulu).

Anyway, it was a terrific vacation, and the Baileys learned all sorts of amazing things about people from other lands, and they came back with a coconut brassiere and a grass skirt… for Bill. Missy said she didn’t want one. Oh, and they bought a nice pineapple from a man in the airport. They showed it to Carl and Muriel Johnston on the flight home… and they even let them touch it. Bill said he was surprised that TWA allowed pets on the plane!.. and without a leash! But it never bit anyone…

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Hysterical Hollywood Histories"... the Creamsicle Trio...

(photo of happier times courtesy of Paul Norman)

... ah, yes! The famous Creamsicle Trio! Known for their occasional appearances on the Lawrence Welk Show, Arthur Murray's TV Party Time, and at various county fairs and 4H Club Jamborees, the Creamsicle Trio had an "on-again-off-again" career from 1954 to 1959.

Originally from Pumpa-Pootah, Iowa, the Nesselroth sisters (Brenda Marie, Fiona Fay, and Gert) started singing in the cradle. Their large extended family marveled at their caterwauling, always on key and in three part harmony right around breast-feeding time. It wasn't long before farmhands, mill workers, and traveling salesmen came a-calling to see the triplets, and they soon became the stars of more than one Sunday church service. The Baptists, Methodists, Adventists, and Lutherans all shared the triplets, booking them at staggered hours from 7:30am to late afternoon year after year, Sunday after Sunday... and finally, at 18 years of age, they were auditioned for the Ted Mack Amateur Hour... and, of course, they won! $811.35!!

They put the money towards a publicist, an agent, three prom gowns in their favorite color (bright sunny orange!), and bus tickets to Duluth to premiere at the Yip 'n' Yodel National Songster Championships! They came in 3rd, but out of fifty-eight entries it wasn't too disappointing, and they won $1162.72 (after fees and taxes) and a contract to tour on the Myron Moskowitz Melody Circuit. Within a month, the manufacturers of Creamsicle brand ice cream offered to sponsor them and buy out their contract from the Moskowitz circuit.

The girls continued to tour the country, but added USO shows with Bob Hope, and appearances on various TV series; Perry Mason (as a three-girl ponzi scheme), Alfred Hitchcock (as a three-girl Siamese triplet), and on the Twilight Zone (as a three-girl ventriloquist act that is eventually killed and partially eaten by their dummies). Soon, orange had become the new favorite color for everything... from fashion to food to interior design and convertibles!

Everything seemed to be going oh-so-well, until the beginning of the free-love 1960s. While touring through Berkeley, California, they were introduced to a world of hippies, love beads, fringe-vests, suede mini-skirts, and marijuana laced with hashish and paprika. Brenda Marie started showing up late for rehearsals and sound checks. Fiona Fay would laugh uncontrollably during scheduling meetings (and even drool). And Gert was found to be secretly dating a boy named Chuck or Charlie Manson who claimed he wanted to be "farmer for Jesus".

It all came to a head on the Ed Sullivan Show when the girls were heard backstage through an open mic to laugh that the public "wouldn't touch those damn Creamsicles if they knew they were made from horses' hooves and old cottage cheese." The studio audience was aghast, and between the screaming caught on-air and the network switchboard lighting up, the girls were snatched from their dressing room and spirited away from a gathering mob on West 54th Street. The news was broken to them on the grey Monday morning... they were finished. Everywhere. FINISHED!... even at the 4H Jamborees. Even in the Jams & Jellies tents...

Whenever and wherever they showed up, people pointed and laughed... or told them that "the Prince of Darkness would swallow them for his diabolical delights"! Their poor parents now became pariahs in their own farm community. And radio ministers preached on Sundays that this was "the wages of sin". Creamsicle even sponsored one national Sunday show called Jolly Bob's Hour of Salvation where Robert "Chuckles" Thumbkin harangued the worshippers in his Cathedral of Cheer and the radio audience at home to reject "preverts and dirty Communists" who made up "false lies about wholesome and nutritious American foods like Creamsicles"...

By 1963, the girls had become nearly homeless. Brenda Marie was working long hours at a lady's lingerie sweatshop attached to the Wayward Women's Shelter on the Bowery. Fiona Fay was occasionally seen in an alleyway nearby on Great Jones Street with a bottle of Muscatel or Woolite... and a sailor. And Gert joined the lower end country fair and carnival circuit as a barker at the Guess Your Weight/Guess Your Age tent... her alto voice and her six pack-a-day Chesterfield habit allowed her to disguise herself as a man. Sad. Very sad.

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Sybil Bruncheon's MORE THAN THEY SEEM STORIES... “The Holiday Party"...

Betty Anne was known throughout the neighborhood as the best hostess... no, really, the BEST! It wasn't that she was such a great cook; as a matter of fact, folks laughed behind her back about some of her "food-faux pas"!! Cheez-Whiz on soggy Saltines, Marshmallow Fluff in a fondue, and the time she accidentally served Milk-Bone Biscuits to the Cub Scout troop thinking they were ginger snaps especially designed for Halloween! But all, all was always forgiven because Betty Anne Breitling was so gracious, warm-hearted, and generous with both her home and her own self... no one could resist her!

And so, for this particular Christmas season in 1959, Betty Anne was in full swing! She headed the decorating committee at the church for the Children's Nativity Pageant, and she was in charge of all the music at the Holiday Dance for the local police and fire departments... she arranged the Christmas Tree Fund-Raiser Drive, and came up with the idea for the Come-As-A-Reindeer Pet Contest!! The entire town rocked, ROCKED with joyous laughter over THAT one!!... especially when Millie Ferguson's nine chihuahuas were costumed in their tiny red velvet jackets with white fur collars and pipe-cleaner antlers pulling little Janey's wagon with her Chatty Cathy made up to look like Santa! Needless to say, it was Millie who won First Prize... well, Millie, and Señor Frisco who, with his red rubber nose, triumphed as a miniature Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer!

It was after the Pet Contest (and all the applause and acclaim!) that Millie went home to fix some late-night refreshments for a few special friends who were dropping by for an intimate little Saturday night soirée... There was Kirk Billows, the local aluminum siding salesman, and Frank and Rita Corralson who owned Corralson's Hardware Outlet. They weren't married; they were brother and sister. Frank and Kirk had been “travel pals” for going on 15 years, and Betty Anne and Rita were thinking of moving in together after the first of the year... somewhere on the edge of town with enough land to maybe open the nudist colony they had been hoping for...

Yep! 1960 looked to be the beginning of an exciting new decade, full of adventures for all of them... and when Betty Anne (all in red!) wheeled out her (probably stale!) baloney and Kraft American cheese sandwiches and the remainder cake from Carvel's down the block, the four of them laughed and babbled about what fun they had had at the Pet Contest and how much more they would have when Betty Anne put on her white beard and took each of them on her lap to "talk to Santa"!... Had they been naughty?... or nice? And where was Santa's riding crop???

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Sybil Bruncheon's Hysterical Histories... "The Good Old Days"...

"No, Suzy, Mommy and Daddy are no longer accused of being Communists so we're painting the living room red... and learning Russian... just in time for nice Mr. Khrushchev's visit! Now run outside and play with all your little comrades!"...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Biographies in Brief!... Madame Zeezette"...

...Mrs. Agnes Gladstein, widowed at 50-some years or so, was forced to find work since her ne'er-do-well husband, Carl, had gambled his assistant plumber's salary away at the races. Agnes tried everything from substitute teaching 3rd graders (she hated children) to grocery store cashier (she couldn't count change) to ballroom dance instructor (no sense of rhythm… and corns). Finally, after seeing a Red Skelton/Lucille Ball screwball mystery/comedy (8 times!), she decided to adopt the name Madame Zeezette and tell fortunes in various luncheonettes up and down Third Avenue.

Amazingly, she caught on, especially among the window-shopping housewife crowd (usually in twos and threes) and the two-martini businessman crowd (also in twos and threes). Her shockingly accurate predictions while reading palms and dealing tarot cards became all the rage. She even threw in a free Phrenology consultation… FREE! She was famous for pinning down stock splits to the week and unexpected pregnancies to the day! Car accidents, house fires, food poisonings, burglaries, even projectile vomiting during golf tournaments... and comet-strikes. She could predict it all and was paid handsomely for it. Ironically, The Mysterious Madame Zeezette didn't foresee the end of Bakelite jewelry and little luncheon hats even as the 1950s were drawing to a close... but then, when you're a luncheonette fortune teller, no one expects you to be a fashion-plate.

(photo by Norman Lerner 1957)

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