Sybil Bruncheon's A Tale for Thanksgiving Time: "SUBURBAN STORIES THAT STUN AND STUPEFY"...

TODAY IN THE NEWS!..... The warning signs had been there for several months. Mrs. Ruth Anne Snively of 1148 Pembroke Lane had complained to her neighbors of strange voices, coming at first from the telephone, the radio, the television where it seemed strange voices always might have been heard. Indeed, "Ruthie", as she was known to all the Girl Scout Troop mothers, had been known for her quick wit, her sparkling sense of humor, her quirky imagination, and for her desire to be a stand-up comedian in local clubs "once the kids have grown up" as she put it. She even managed a couple of tentative debuts at the local Kiwanis and Shriner's clubs where her little act was described by the local critics as "refreshing"....and "a charming bit of whimsical and timely fluff filled with social commentary and some recipes".

Perhaps it was no surprise when Mrs. Snively began to exhibit eccentricities like a growing diet of Hostess Ding Dongs, Pringles Potato Chips, and vegan "beef" jerky. Frequently, she would answer her front door with facial masks of Marshmallow Fluff and Peter Pan Extra-Crunchy Peanut Butter. Her dependence on increasing dosages of St. Joseph's Aspirin for Children did not go unnoticed at PTA meetings...And on weekends, she could be found incoherent in back alleyways completely drunk on cocktails of Tang ....and Woolite....and Maraschino cherries. After her husband Arthur left her taking the children to Chillicothe, her friends tried interventions and enlisting the aid of the Come To Jesus Society Of Sobriety down on Walnut Street... but nothing worked.

It was finally on that terrible day in January when Snively wandered into her kitchen and overheard all her appliances talking behind her back. Oh yes!..They quickly smiled and pretended to change the subject, but it was too late. She had heard the worst!...and the jokes at her expense.... comments about "that tired old apron", and her "water-weight gain after the Holidays".....It was all too much! TOO MUCH!...and so, lovely, sweet, witty Mrs. Ruth Anne Snively calmly went to her former friend the Sunbeam waffle maker, laid her perfectly coiffed head down on its non-stick surface, and slowly pressed herself into a fluffy breakfast treat for the police to find later in the afternoon. Her suicide note was found on the counter beside an unopened bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's and a virgin stick of Land 'O' Lakes lightly salted butter. (You know Land 'O' Lakes? The one with the Indian maiden on the front whose knees look like breasts??)

Well, Ruth is now being treated for first degree burns and minor cheek-dimpling at Flower Of Mercy Hospital downtown, and will be receiving a lovely re-contouring of her complexion while being housed in their newly opened Extreme Neurosis Wing. She's slowly being re-acclimated to Kitchen Chore duty.... but under strict (and loving!) supervision.... (she continues to wear earplugs to ...shut out.. "unwelcome" chatter"...)

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From “Sybil Bruncheon Plays With Her Food!”… Chapter 14...

… apropos of Thanksgiving, my cook, Hilda, and I learned from Escoffier that if there's ever an… um, “accident”... in the kitchen, one should quickly "incorporate" it into the meal and serve the results confidently... to the... uh, survivors. And remember!... a good sauce covers a multitude of sins!!

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Sybil Bruncheon's OUR THANKSGIVING HERITAGE... "Holiday cheer, and cheerfulness!"...

… yes, Friends, at this time of year, we invite our families and friends to gather in our homes and share the bounty of the Fall season and the harvest of an abundant country...but how many people in rural areas of this nation may be deprived of that abundance? Did you know that in various parts of Appalachia and the Dust Belt, when Thanksgiving delicacies were hard to find, the townspeople would celebrate by actually DRESSING as their favorite recipes!!... and then put on a parade through the community, distracting everyone from their hunger pangs!... Between the festive costumes, the antics of the marchers, the kazoo and jug bands, and the delight of young and old alike, this Holiday tradition always managed to be a favorite and memorable event of the year, and a cherished one.

Several famous authors based short stories and even entire novels on the events of these distant times and places; Harper Lee's "Boo Radley Has Big Radishes", Carson McCullers' "The Artichoke Is A Lonely Side Dish", Truman Capote's "In Cold Leftovers", John Updike's "Rabbit Stew", Ernest Hemingway's "The Bun Also Rises", Willa Cather's "Oh Parsnips!", Sinclair Lewis' "Elmer's Pantry", John Steinbeck's "Travels With Barley", and of course Eugene O'Neill's "All God's Chillun Got Wings, Breasts, and Drumsticks"....

Many others immortalized the "Pilgrim Poverty Parades" as they began to be called... How inspiring that an empty larder can be the source of great art and fond childhood memories too...... (Shown in the photos, clockwise from upper left; Mr. Josiah Arph as "Cornwallis The Game Hen", Meyer Pyerstutz as "a Gourd, or maybe a Punkin", Miss Penelope Simonson as a "Leafy and Nutritious Side Salad With a Light Citrus Vinagrette", Wilbur and Natalie Blunt as "The Parkerhouses", Noah Nutterton as "A Braised Pork Loin", Mrs. Melba Totter as "A Mess o' Cracklins", and in the center, Enid Entwhistle as "A Bedeviled Egg". All photos courtesy of the National Geographic Society, The Library of Congress, and Gourmet Magazine)

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Thanksgiving Household Hints & Helpfuls!"...

Facebook Friends!… Making plans for your Thanksgiving?? Why not get in touch with the Institute of Advanced Thankfulness & Attendant Festivities? They have a staff of internationally recognized experts who have lifted the traditional "turkey 'n' stuffing" we all grew up with into a science. And by applying protocols of research, experimentation, and advanced study they have made breakthroughs that may eliminate all the trial and error of improvised side dishes, improperly prepared recipes from Grandma, dried out or fossilized turkey carcasses, bizarre Jello concoctions, and timing catastrophes between arrivals of appetizers and apple pies. They can even provide the modern housewife with special garments which aid in the whole process and protect her from injury while giving her every kitchen utensil she could possibly need. Why not get in touch with our staff today? Just call I-M-N-O-T-U-R-K-E-Y... that's right! Dial 466-688-7539. The nice man will tell you how to order!… and wait! This just in! If you order now, you’ll receive the new miniature carry-all purse-sized version of these handy dandy items… invented by our own Dr. Heidi Klieber, it’s the new “Swiss Army Wife”!… Perfect for Picnics, Parties, or the Battle-Front! It can perform over 76 different “wifely-functions”!… even after “lights-out”!... Call today!

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Sybil Bruncheon's A Tale for Thanksgiving Time: "SUBURBAN STORIES THAT STUN AND STUPEFY"...

The warning signs had been there for several months. Mrs. Ruth Anne Snively of 1148 Pembroke Lane had complained to her neighbors of strange voices, coming at first from the telephone, the radio, the television where it seemed strange voices always might have been heard. Indeed, "Ruthie", as she was known to all the Girl Scout Troop mothers, had been known for her quick wit, her sparkling sense of humor, her quirky imagination, and for her desire to be a stand-up comedian in local clubs "once the kids have grown up" as she put it. She even managed a couple of tentative debuts at the local Kiwanis and Shriner's clubs where her little act was described by the local critics as "refreshing"....and "a charming bit of whimsical and timely fluff filled with social commentary and some recipes".

Perhaps it was no surprise when Mrs. Snively began to exhibit eccentricities like a growing diet of Hostess Ding Dongs, Pringles Potato Chips, and vegan "beef" jerky. Frequently, she would answer her front door with facial masks of Marshmallow Fluff and Peter Pan Extra-Crunchy Peanut Butter. Her dependence on increasing dosages of St. Joseph's Aspirin for Children did not go unnoticed at PTA meetings...And on weekends, she could be found incoherent in back alleyways completely drunk on cocktails of Tang ....and Woolite....and Maraschino cherries. After her husband Arthur left her taking the children to Chillicothe, her friends tried interventions and enlisting the aid of the Come To Jesus Society Of Sobriety down on Walnut Street... but nothing worked.

It was finally on that terrible day in January when Snively wandered into her kitchen and overheard all her appliances talking behind her back. Oh yes!..They quickly smiled and pretended to change the subject, but it was too late. She had heard the worst!...and the jokes at her expense.... comments about "that tired old apron", and her "water-weight gain after the Holidays".....It was all too much! TOO MUCH!...and so, lovely, sweet, witty Mrs. Ruth Anne Snively calmly went to her former friend the Sunbeam waffle maker, laid her perfectly coiffed head down on its non-stick surface, and slowly pressed herself into a fluffy breakfast treat for the police to find later in the afternoon. Her suicide note was found on the counter beside an unopened bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's and a virgin stick of Land 'O' Lakes lightly salted butter. (You know Land 'O' Lakes? The one with the Indian maiden on the front whose knees look like breasts??)

Well, Ruth is now being treated for first degree burns and minor cheek-dimpling at Flower Of Mercy Hospital downtown, and will be receiving a lovely re-contouring of her complexion while being housed in their newly opened Extreme Neurosis Wing. She's slowly being re-acclimated to Kitchen Chore duty.... but under strict (and loving!) supervision.... (she continues to wear earplugs to ...shut out.. "unwelcome" chatter"...)

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “Our Thanksgiving Heritage:... The Early Years!!...

.... Yes, Friends, although we associate Thanksgiving with our own fun-loving pilgrims from the 1600s, in fact other civilizations had their own earlier versions of "Thanksgiving". Did you know that in ancient Egypt, there was a famous tradition of giving thanks in the Fall season for the bounteous harvests granted by the Nile river?... The people prepared their own feasts comprising yam-beetle casseroles with a river-reed bouquet-garni and minced mud-minnow mousse. Also wild asparagus spears with goat butter, Babylonian/Brussels sprouts grilled with baby sparrows wrapped in a flaky papyrus phyllo, delta oyster and clam stuffing inside a turkey buzzard, and relish made from pharaoh berries and citron soaked in natron...(or was it the other way round??) ....and Amenhotep's favorite dish; "Franks in Frankincense"!!...

The main difference between their tradition and ours was that their feast was made for the next life and was displayed for the celebrants in a special case where the dinner was then mummified by holy priests and special ..um... "meal mummifiers". ...oh, and another difference... the lady of the house would actually wear the turkey on her head until it was time for burial!!! The Romans imitated much of what the Egyptians had started, which is probably the origin of what later became Turkey Tetrazzini....Festive, wasn't it?!? 

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