Sybil Bruncheon's A Tale for Thanksgiving Time: "SUBURBAN STORIES THAT STUN AND STUPEFY"...

TODAY IN THE NEWS!..... The warning signs had been there for several months. Mrs. Ruth Anne Snively of 1148 Pembroke Lane had complained to her neighbors of strange voices, coming at first from the telephone, the radio, the television where it seemed strange voices always might have been heard. Indeed, "Ruthie", as she was known to all the Girl Scout Troop mothers, had been known for her quick wit, her sparkling sense of humor, her quirky imagination, and for her desire to be a stand-up comedian in local clubs "once the kids have grown up" as she put it. She even managed a couple of tentative debuts at the local Kiwanis and Shriner's clubs where her little act was described by the local critics as "refreshing"....and "a charming bit of whimsical and timely fluff filled with social commentary and some recipes".

Perhaps it was no surprise when Mrs. Snively began to exhibit eccentricities like a growing diet of Hostess Ding Dongs, Pringles Potato Chips, and vegan "beef" jerky. Frequently, she would answer her front door with facial masks of Marshmallow Fluff and Peter Pan Extra-Crunchy Peanut Butter. Her dependence on increasing dosages of St. Joseph's Aspirin for Children did not go unnoticed at PTA meetings...And on weekends, she could be found incoherent in back alleyways completely drunk on cocktails of Tang ....and Woolite....and Maraschino cherries. After her husband Arthur left her taking the children to Chillicothe, her friends tried interventions and enlisting the aid of the Come To Jesus Society Of Sobriety down on Walnut Street... but nothing worked.

It was finally on that terrible day in January when Snively wandered into her kitchen and overheard all her appliances talking behind her back. Oh yes!..They quickly smiled and pretended to change the subject, but it was too late. She had heard the worst!...and the jokes at her expense.... comments about "that tired old apron", and her "water-weight gain after the Holidays".....It was all too much! TOO MUCH!...and so, lovely, sweet, witty Mrs. Ruth Anne Snively calmly went to her former friend the Sunbeam waffle maker, laid her perfectly coiffed head down on its non-stick surface, and slowly pressed herself into a fluffy breakfast treat for the police to find later in the afternoon. Her suicide note was found on the counter beside an unopened bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's and a virgin stick of Land 'O' Lakes lightly salted butter. (You know Land 'O' Lakes? The one with the Indian maiden on the front whose knees look like breasts??)

Well, Ruth is now being treated for first degree burns and minor cheek-dimpling at Flower Of Mercy Hospital downtown, and will be receiving a lovely re-contouring of her complexion while being housed in their newly opened Extreme Neurosis Wing. She's slowly being re-acclimated to Kitchen Chore duty.... but under strict (and loving!) supervision.... (she continues to wear earplugs to ...shut out.. "unwelcome" chatter"...)

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Sybil Bruncheon's A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS: My Vanilla Orchid…

… many of you know that, although I adore animals, I’m not able at this time to have any animal companions because of my rental situation. I am however by nature a nurturer; it gives my life meaning to be the caretaker and the taker-care-of antiques, strange memorabilia, eccentric historical objects, flea-market-finds, and plants, both out in the garden and inside as domesticated roommates. Case in point; my Vanilla Orchid (Vanilla planifolia)…

… Yes, it’s true. The beautiful vanilla extract that we all love (and is central to so many more foods than just vanilla ice cream) comes from an orchid, specifically from its long, very narrow and shriveled seed pods. It’s only been in the last few years, mostly through cooking shows on TV, that the public has even heard of vanilla coming from a split-opened and scraped seed pod or that the microscopic black seeds are the source of the actual taste. Imagine the big dessert companies of the 1950s ever allowing millions of black specks floating in their vanilla ice cream and marketing it as gourmet and a luxury item! But now, evidence of vanilla seeds is de rigeur in everything from crème brûlée, soufflés, and mousses to vanilla French toast. Only an oaf would now look at a sundae of Häagen-Dazs vanilla ice cream and ask, “what’s this dirt on my scoop?”…

Back to my kitchen; here is a wonderful though temperamental Vanilla Orchid. It is both “terrestrial” (getting nutrients from soil) and “epiphytic” (living in a tree with its own air-roots). In the wild, they love warm, very humid air and can grow to be over 100’ long in a high tree canopy. They love indirect, filtered light, but avoid direct sunlight like most orchids. Although “epiphytic” orchids live on the bark of trees, they are not parasites. They don’t injure or weaken the trees they climb. Their air roots absorb nutrients from rainfall and fresh air reacting with the bark that they attach themselves to. When you buy an orchid from a nursery or floral service, that orchid growing in some mass-produced ceramic pot actually thinks it’s growing vertically up the side of a tree, not horizontally in some office cubicle or on Grandma’s dining room table. It’s one reason why over 96% of the orchids that are raised and sold die within a month or so… they are starved, drowned, neglected, abused, or tossed in the garbage when their blooms fade and drop. In fact, the average orchid (usually a Phalaenopsis or “moth orchid” will bloom for as much as 4 months before it drops its blossoms!... and then, if loved, take a short break before blooming again!) 

Again, back to my kitchen… I was scared to try a Vanilla Orchid because of their diva-esque reputation, and my natural fear of killing or injuring the innocent and trusting! But a couple of my garden-center pals (Leslie and Kelsey specifically) convinced me that I’d be a good foster-parent, so I took the plunge. I don’t have humidifiers or a greenhouse, but I did, within only a week, have new shoots coming out of the main stems and beginning to leaf and, dare I say, bud? No, I don’t have a 8’ pole for it to climb, but this orchid which is about 6 years old has been “trained”. When any shoots grow too long for the wooden stake provided, the dangling shoot is allowed to just keep drooping over until it can be “woven” back into the existing growth. You can see that this has been done again and again. Left to its own devices in the wild, Vanilla Orchids grow a single woody stalk with long, spear-like leaves scattered along its length!  

And, have you noticed? Yes, the Vanilla Orchid IS the inspiration for the original “Jack and the Beanstalk”! Look closely! Isn’t it exactly what we’ve always been shown as the winding stalk that every Jack has climbed from fairy-tale illustrations to movies, cartoons, and television!? All I do is spritz the wooden stake on all sides, top-to-bottom with distilled H2O in the morning… and then some extra spritzes on the inside of the outer pot betwn it and the inside pot. That keeps the humidity acceptably high without drowning the roots in the soil. Although it’s in a Southern window, the sunlight is speckled or filtered and never too intense. Apparently, my little orchid is fairly happy. Its foliage is glossy, almost fake looking green. Its shoots are exuberant, and both Leslie and Kelsey who have sister-plants from the same batch, say that mine is competitively beautiful… and they both are professionals with complete set-ups in their homes! JEEESH! 

One last note: unlike a Phalaenopsis orchid whose blooms can last for months, a Vanilla Orchid’s blossoms are neither abundant nor hardy. As opposed to a cloud of flours hovering in the air on several stems, Vanilla Orchids reluctantly offer a few smallish blooms tucked into all that “beanstalk” foliage, and they last for one day! ONE DAY!... and the plant has to be very healthy to even THAT! And during that single day, the blossom will drop off, pollinated or not… it doesn’t matter. Only the most talented and fully equipped domestic gardener can manage to actually produce a vanilla bean or two inside a home, and only after their Vanilla Orchid is about 6 or more years old. And the gardener has to hand-polinate the blooms with a toothpick immediately… again, the blossoms only las a matter of hours on a single day. In the wild, a specific bee is the sole pollinater for the Vanilla Orchid!... talk about neurotic and demanding!! Oh well… I’ve been married to neurotic and demanding beauties before… and it was worth it… so… wish me luck. This little Vanilla Orchid is indeed One Of My Favorite Things!

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Holiday Recipes... St. Patrick's Day!"...

For those of you who hate corned beef and cabbage but don't mind the gas and bad smells, we offer this alternative! Breaking News from the CNN news desk: The RNC has revealed that, in celebration of the president's soon-to-be return to the White House, they have invented an official recipe for the upcoming victory parties on election night! Their... um, "recommendation" is that all loyal Americans prepare, serve, and finish this delightful creation; a melding of recipes from the Sears Catalog Cook Book of 1946 (the president's birth year) and some hand-me-down recipes from Slovenia, the first lady's birthplace, (although there are rumors that she is from Uranus.) The RNC has suggested that the dish should be served with little toothpicks, paper umbrellas, and frankfurters... but NOT the mini ones!!... y'understand? NOT THE MINIS!!! Details at 6. The Heimlich maneuver at 11.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Weird Tales Of Other Worlds... and our own picnics!"...

Yes, Friends… so many of us have heard of or actually lived strange experiences… sometimes in the most unexpected places and ways. This story is taken from the Powahatton Morning Gazette that a Mrs. Geraldinette Gardner of 1250 Elco Drive in Mount Mason, Iowa recently reported that her own younger sister Edith was no longer… well… “Edith”. And that she might have been taken over by an alien presence… possibly from the flying saucer which supposedly landed earlier in the week at the annual Girl Scout Jamboree in the Pchucken woods two miles down the road.

Local newspapers reported the landing, but unfortunately it only lasted a matter of minutes and was reported only by young girls under the impressionable age of seven… and it was at 4:30 in the morning as Gilda Marie Faber reported from her Minnie Mouse watch. No adults or indeed reliable sources were witnesses according to Sheriff Johnny Bob Clemens. “We like to trust these young ladies, especially as they’re Girl Scouts and, of course, the mothers of tomorrow, but five or six pre-teens in the wee hours of the morning claiming a flying saucer landed near tent #13 for a few minutes?… well, Hell, I wouldn’t trust ‘em if they were actually grown teen-agers! I certainly wouldn’t trust my OWN!”.

Back to Mrs. Gardener: before her sister began to “change”, Mrs. Gardner had been on the Refreshments and Festive Aspics committee for the United Baptist Holy Waters Conference to be held in the Mason Fairgrounds. She reported that she had carefully prepared a recipe from the Duncan Hines MORE-THAN-CAKE Cook Book (the 1954 edition with the color photos and the plasticized recipe cards tucked into the back cover flap! You know the kind… they can be wiped clean in case of kitchen spills!) She had followed the recipe exactly without her usual improvisations or additions! “It was my first time with this recipe, and I always follow the directions exactly when I attempt a new dish!… It’s only fair!”… She finished with the gelatin, the tomato soup, the vegetables and seasonings… and then refrigerated the circular mold in her Amana refrigerator, the new pink one with the chrome trim. At approximately 4:30 in the morning, she heard the sound of her screen door on the back porch swing open and slam. She rushed down the stairs to see a shadowy figure “bent over and sort of limping or crawling quickly through the nearby trees in the direction of Pchucken. She saw that nothing seemed to be amiss and went back to bed…

But the next morning!… when she went to the Amana to take out her aspic, it had changed! CHANGED! It had grown… yes, GROWN strange appendages in the middle where there had been olives, pineapple chunks, mini-marshmallows, carrot and celery sticks, and a refreshing but-not-too-sweet mayonnaise mousse-dip! And it had grown… well… eyes. Yes, EYES!! ALL OVER!!! Red, glaring EYES!!!… that followed you wherever you went! She staggered backward from the quivering dish; quivering, by the way, all on its own. When her sister Edith swept into the kitchen with fresh flowers, a six-pack of Schlitz, and two jumbo sized loaves of Wonder Bread, all for the picnic, Mrs. Gardner didn’t mention the aspic or its appalling transformation to Edith. She claims she didn’t know what to say… She left the kitchen for only a moment, apparently to get her new Mary Kay lipstick in Tango Tangerine and a mascara… but when she came back down “in just a matter of minutes”, Edith had swallowed (or been forced to swallow) the entire aspic. At least that’s what it looked like… and from there, according to a hysterical Geraldinette Gardner, Edith was never the same.

Most of the authorities contacted have not believed Gardner’s story, and the few that have interviewed Edith have not noticed anything out of place other than a flatness in her conversation… well, and her frequent requests for ketchup and mustard packets from the Athanasakos Greek Diner. She assures us that she always pays for them, and consumes them as “meal-substitutes, sometimes twenty or thirty at a time… but only around 4:30 in the morning… 5 at the latest…”…

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Sybil Bruncheon's "True Crime Confidential!"... Cruel & Inedible Punishment...

It has just been revealed through recently discovered files that America's justice system may have been involved in brutal, even barbaric experimentation in its prisons. Death penalty controversies have been a hot topic ever since the first implementation of the electric chair back in 1890. The arguments both for and against hanging, the gas chamber, the electric chair, and the firing squad have gone on and on... and people have argued as to why the method of execution should be humane at all. After all, weren't the victims of murder killed horribly, perhaps after an extended time of fear and torture. Why should a murderer be treated with any respect or consideration at all?

But now, it was revealed that the more blood-thirsty of the legal authorities and death penalty proponents actually proposed another more terrifying method... the use of Spam and Jello. Instead of a "final request meal" of the prisoner's choice being given to the condemned, they would be force-fed a hideous recipe from the Ladies' Luncheon chapter of the Pillsbury Happy Homemakers Cook Book, or a Perky Picnic Party Treat from Betty Crocker. Additional ingredients in various recipes included, carrot shavings, celery bits, mini-marshmallows, assorted seeds and nuts, slivers of cabbage slaw, and bits of cold cuts, olives, pineapple, cantaloupe, peppers, onions, gherkins both sweet or sour, and of various cheeses both imported and domestic. Layering with mayonnaise was an additional option... along with garnishes of ice berg lettuce.

On the day of execution, the convicted man (or woman!) would be escorted to the death chamber. He would be surrounded by witnesses and reporters seated at small café tables, perhaps with little bud-vases or votive candles. But he might be filled with terror at the first sight of the hideous dish even as it was wheeled into the death cell by the prison chef and the wait-staff. Often the prisoners would beg, bargain, or plead, shrieking in terror and praying as they were dragged over to the small enamel table on its squeaky iron wheels. Then the bent prison-issue fork would be wedged into the condemned's trembling hands and the death-napkin tucked under his gibbering chin. It might take four or five burly guards to subdue him and force him to take the first mouthful... oh, horrible! HORRIBLE!... the drooled chewing, the reluctant swallowing, the mumbled gagging, or the gagging mumbles... whatever... only to be followed again and again... and again... until finally... the struggling and the whimpering... stopped. Silence. And the death chamber looking like a sweet little restaurant, perhaps in Greenwich Village or in a charming little back-alley in Poka-Ma-Hola, Idaho.... except with a gurney, a medical examiner, and a body slumped over at table 13... with a heart-shaped and quivering, nearly finished Be-My-Valentine Egg & Spam Surprise.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Didja Know???"...

Tragically, it was discovered that these were also used by a do-it-yourself mohel at bris ceremonies in Poka-Ma-Hola, Idaho. He had been watching episodes of THIS OLD HOUSE, and was bored with his carpentry hobby...

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From “Sybil Bruncheon Plays With Her Food!”…. Chapter 14...

… apropos of Christmas, my cook, Hilda, and I learned from Escoffier that if there's ever an… um, “accident”... in the kitchen, one should quickly "incorporate" it into the meal and serve the results confidently... to the... uh, survivors. And remember!... a good sauce covers a multitude of sins!!... well, and maybe a festive little sprig of holly!

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*Tour-ette from my kitchen... roasted chicken and vegetables! So easy! 10/26/2021

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “What’s Cookin’”… DoubleTree Hotels released their secret “Welcome Cookie” recipe:

DoubleTree Chocolate Cookie Recipe (Makes 26 cookies)

Ingredients: ½ pound butter, softened (2 sticks)

                         ¾ cup + 1 tablespoon granulated sugar

                         ¾ cup packed light brown sugar

                          2 large eggs

                          1¼ teaspoons vanilla extract

                          ¼ teaspoon fresh lemon juice

                          2¼ cups flour

                          ½ cup rolled oats

                          1 teaspoon baking soda

                          1 teaspoon salt

                          Pinch of cinnamon

Pinch of nutmeg (optional)

                          2-2/3 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips

                          1¾ cups chopped walnuts

Directions:    Preheat oven to 300 degrees Fahrenheit. 

                     Cream butter, sugar, and brown sugar in the bowl of a stand mixer on medium speed for about 2 minutes.  

                      Add eggs, vanilla, and lemon juice, blending with mixer on low speed for 30 seconds, then medium speed for about 2 minutes, or until light and fluffy, scraping down bowl.

                      With mixer on low speed, add flour, oats, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon. Blend for about 45 seconds. Don’t overmix.  

                      Remove bowl from mixer and stir in chocolate chips and walnuts. 

                      Portion dough with a scoop (about 3 tablespoons) onto a baking sheet lined with parchment paper, about 2 inches apart.     

                      Bake for 20 to 23 minutes, or until edges are golden brown and center is still soft.                      

                      Remove from oven and cool on baking sheet for about 1 hour. ENJOY!!!!

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Sybil Bruncheon in Cincinnati GCN... Prepares "Gelatin Surprese"... (part I)

GCN Cincinnati is proud to present Sybil Bruncheon in her continuing summer 1987 series. Join Sybil as she shows the audience that a grand dame should always know her way around kitchen utensils. To do this, she will begin her preparation of “Gelatin Supreese” (Part I)

(Produced and edited by Mark Bailey and the staff of Cincinnati’s GCN)

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