Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmases On Other Worlds... #31...

On the planet KerJijji in the Gonfalon Star System, Mr. Kellen Bzzb#*du and his lovely gamete-partner Debbie raised a well-behaved ambulatory-fetus. Eventually they named it Piff, the evocative name of a fragrant flower that grows on the hillsides of the Hariboo Moors where the Box-Oxen roam.

Kellen began portraying Santa at Christmastime when he was only eight, partly because of his thick, bushy boy-beard, but also because his head-horns had grown so generously at such a young age... sadly, he had gored his mother to death while breastfeeding in the deliver room of their local birthing-barn.

Unlike Earth-versions of Santa, the KerJijji Santa does not "Ho Ho Ho" but rather sort of moos and belches... kind of like a cow with acid reflux. Younglings on KerJijji allow Santa to sit on them, and then, as he moo-belches, they sing Holiday carols involving sky-sledding, puddings made of skittle-beetles, and using Grandma as a piñata until candy or poops come out. On Christmas morning no one is given gifts as the beings on KerJijji are unable to open them... they have five fingers… but no thumbs.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Weird Tales Of Other Worlds... and our own picnics!"...

Yes, Friends… so many of us have heard of or actually lived strange experiences… sometimes in the most unexpected places and ways. This story is taken from the Powahatton Morning Gazette that a Mrs. Geraldinette Gardner of 1250 Elco Drive in Mount Mason, Iowa recently reported that her own younger sister Edith was no longer… well… “Edith”. And that she might have been taken over by an alien presence… possibly from the flying saucer which supposedly landed earlier in the week at the annual Girl Scout Jamboree in the Pchucken woods two miles down the road.

Local newspapers reported the landing, but unfortunately it only lasted a matter of minutes and was reported only by young girls under the impressionable age of seven… and it was at 4:30 in the morning as Gilda Marie Faber reported from her Minnie Mouse watch. No adults or indeed reliable sources were witnesses according to Sheriff Johnny Bob Clemens. “We like to trust these young ladies, especially as they’re Girl Scouts and, of course, the mothers of tomorrow, but five or six pre-teens in the wee hours of the morning claiming a flying saucer landed near tent #13 for a few minutes?… well, Hell, I wouldn’t trust ‘em if they were actually grown teen-agers! I certainly wouldn’t trust my OWN!”.

Back to Mrs. Gardener: before her sister began to “change”, Mrs. Gardner had been on the Refreshments and Festive Aspics committee for the United Baptist Holy Waters Conference to be held in the Mason Fairgrounds. She reported that she had carefully prepared a recipe from the Duncan Hines MORE-THAN-CAKE Cook Book (the 1954 edition with the color photos and the plasticized recipe cards tucked into the back cover flap! You know the kind… they can be wiped clean in case of kitchen spills!) She had followed the recipe exactly without her usual improvisations or additions! “It was my first time with this recipe, and I always follow the directions exactly when I attempt a new dish!… It’s only fair!”… She finished with the gelatin, the tomato soup, the vegetables and seasonings… and then refrigerated the circular mold in her Amana refrigerator, the new pink one with the chrome trim. At approximately 4:30 in the morning, she heard the sound of her screen door on the back porch swing open and slam. She rushed down the stairs to see a shadowy figure “bent over and sort of limping or crawling quickly through the nearby trees in the direction of Pchucken. She saw that nothing seemed to be amiss and went back to bed…

But the next morning!… when she went to the Amana to take out her aspic, it had changed! CHANGED! It had grown… yes, GROWN strange appendages in the middle where there had been olives, pineapple chunks, mini-marshmallows, carrot and celery sticks, and a refreshing but-not-too-sweet mayonnaise mousse-dip! And it had grown… well… eyes. Yes, EYES!! ALL OVER!!! Red, glaring EYES!!!… that followed you wherever you went! She staggered backward from the quivering dish; quivering, by the way, all on its own. When her sister Edith swept into the kitchen with fresh flowers, a six-pack of Schlitz, and two jumbo sized loaves of Wonder Bread, all for the picnic, Mrs. Gardner didn’t mention the aspic or its appalling transformation to Edith. She claims she didn’t know what to say… She left the kitchen for only a moment, apparently to get her new Mary Kay lipstick in Tango Tangerine and a mascara… but when she came back down “in just a matter of minutes”, Edith had swallowed (or been forced to swallow) the entire aspic. At least that’s what it looked like… and from there, according to a hysterical Geraldinette Gardner, Edith was never the same.

Most of the authorities contacted have not believed Gardner’s story, and the few that have interviewed Edith have not noticed anything out of place other than a flatness in her conversation… well, and her frequent requests for ketchup and mustard packets from the Athanasakos Greek Diner. She assures us that she always pays for them, and consumes them as “meal-substitutes, sometimes twenty or thirty at a time… but only around 4:30 in the morning… 5 at the latest…”…

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Sybil Bruncheon's Tales From Other Worlds... or... Are They?...

"Pathetic Earth creatures! We have come a great distance from another world. Our own planet was not enough for our delights. We have eaten our pets, burned our forests, gouged our mountains, and soiled our oceans. It was great fun, but now we want to do the same to yours. Offer us your abundant plenty, and we will allow you to protect one of your puny offspring from our kitchens during our feast time. One youngling only! In honor of our own beloved Spawn, who we hatched from his larva-sack and crowned as our pupa-prince. Note his oh-so-delicate fore-pincers; small and very sophisticated, and how he waves them about when he harangues his hive-ettes. Worship him and obey his whims lest you incur his righteous wrath. Build huge hive-walls to protect him from brown-things... and tremble in awe of his mighty cranium-pod covered in orange bug-silk! Bzzzzzzzz!!!!!!"

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Sybil Bruncheon's Strange Tales That Stun & Stupefy... The Buick!

Miss Sally Ann Pretherton had saved up all her money for the first new car she had ever bought. No more "hand-me-downs" from the Used-Car lots for her. She was tired of the smirking, the "accidental brush-ups", and the not-so-subtle innuendoes of the oily car-lot salesman who tried to hide their wedding rings as they quoted her prices they claimed were a "special deal just for her, cause she were so pretty"!

She had asked her Dad what she should buy, and he said the new 1958 Buick Special was the car for her! And she adored the fact that "Special" was the name of the model because that's just how she felt as her dad drove it off the lot with her in the front seat and her best friend Carla in the backseat! She looked out the window at the swinging strings of lights and the yards of plastic bunting and ribbons tossing in the wind on that sunny February day! Was there anything as magical as a new car, twinkling in the bright sunlight and with that new car smell, racing down the open rode with the whole world lying ahead of you.

And then after about a mile or so, her father, normally so steady and solid let out a shrieking laugh at the top of his lungs and a maniacal look in his glowing green eyes! He punched the accelerator to the floor, and the new Buick surged to its full power and screeched down the highway! Faster! Faster! Faster than Sally Ann had ever gone or imagined... and then Carla joined in in the howling laughter!... Sally Ann desperately clutched the dashboard and turned, begging, to her father but he had become some sort of fiend, a horrible drooling fiend with grey claws where hands should be, raking where his hair had been and twisting the steering wheel this way and that. Suddenly, Sally Ann felt the gleaming new Buick shudder and lift, yes, LIFT off the ground, off the highway and veer sharply to the left over the vanishing ground below! Now her whimpered pleas to her dad also turned to shrieks, but shrieks of terror and madness to be met in turn by the diabolical cackling of her inhuman companions!... and it was then or shortly afterwards that the Buick crashed head-on!… into the moon.

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