Sybil Bruncheon’s Strange But True Histories: On this day, January 24th, 1972...

… a Japanese soldier, Shoichi Yokoi, was discovered in Guam, having spent 28 years hiding in the jungle thinking World War II was still going on.

On this same date: I knew a very nice older lady, Myrtle Narnelstein, who hid out for three years in the Fine Lingerie & Ladies' Support Garments department at Saks waiting for an incorrectly advertised sale...... she lived undiscovered and quite comfortably in the various Home Furnishings areas. I envied her her secret life hidden away from the insanity of the outside world. And in addition to the quiet once the great store closed up each evening, she threw the best little soirées in different departments for her mannequin friends and the expensive stuffed animals from the children’s toy boutique... mostly Steiff Teddy Bears… and a Gund dromedary and a velveteen rabbit. She ate nothing but delicacies; fine cakes and cookies, caviar and rare preserves, jams, and jellies, imported chocolates, pates, and petit fours, crème de glaces, followed by the best champagnes and dessert wines in the Gourmet-Gifts Shop …

Sadly, her constant and completely unbalanced diet of luxury foods resulted in her putting on over 267 lbs, which of course eventually “blew her cover”. She was finally caught stuck in the store's escalator, and the whole sordid truth was revealed. The store management was furious, not just because she had pulled it all off and escaped the eyes of security personnel… No! She was so large that they had to jack-hammer the West 58th Street walls down to fork-lift her out of the 3rd floor. The Limoges China department and Little Miss Petites Shoppe were completely demolished…

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Sybil Bruncheon's People and Poetry...

Puckered lips and rasping snarl, Squinty eyes and ready quarrel, Crab-like gestures, orange pout, Greasy handshake, bulbous snout.

Cotton candy ‘stead of hair. Bloated torso but no heart there. Sawed in half you’d find some guts, Jimmy Hoffa, a stack of smuts.

And when he slithers ‘cross the floor, There’s a trail of slime, and maybe gore. He’ll grab your privates; no invite needed. Repeated lawsuits, threats unheeded.

Billions? Millions? Maybe less. Angst and anger, viral stress. He lives for fame and adoration. And bilks his minions, rapes the nation.

“I’ll drain the swamp! I swear! I promise. And appoint fair judges, like Clarence Thomas." Thanks, red-voters, for your behemoth-mess… Who is this monster? Can you guess?

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “I Had A Dream”...

… Breaking News from the CNN News Desk:
Donald Trump has been killed in a fiery car crash involving a Good Humor truck and 400lbs of Creamsicles. He awakens in a strange bedroom with all the doors and windows bricked over and no exits. On the side table is a copy of Jean Paul Sartre's play "Huis Clos". The lines for Joseph Garcin are underlined with a note saying Trump should learn them immediately... or not... whatever. Suddenly, from under the bed, Sarah Huckabee and Kellyanne Conway climb out and reveal that they are to play the roles of Inès Serrano and Estelle Rigault... or not... whatever. The role of the Valet is to be played by Mike Pence... who doesn't show up. There is an increasing smell of sulfur and farts along with extreme heat, and muffled laughter coming from inside the walls... or possibly mooing. The voice of Rod Serling is heard explaining that no, this is not a dream... and it's permanent. Whatever.

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A Clip from SYBIL BRUNCHEON A LA MAISON (1986)... "Attempting Food"...

Directed by Victor Mignatti. Produced by Eric Perkins.

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Sybil Bruncheon's 31 Days of Halloween: …"and leave the driving to us!"…

BREAKING NEWS from the CNN news desk… Steve Bannon and the Alt-Right Travelers Bureau announce the new Whites-Only Bus Lines. ….just think, folks! No more of those meddling minorities sulking about having to move to the back of the bus. Now, with the W.O.B.L. there IS no back of the bus! Every seat is First Class, and only the salted peanuts are second-class! YEEE-HAW!!! Our many travel hubs include Buttsmel, Indiana; Polka-Ma-Hola, Iowa; Monkey-Pudding, Nebraska; Three-Teeth, Arkansas; and Shitzpantz, Ohio. All the romantic stops along the Red States Riviera! Make your reservations at 247-867-7555. That's right, just dial C-H-R-U-M-P-S-K-K-K. The nice man in the pillowcase will tell you how to order… Details at 6. Spray starch at 11.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Springtime… In Other… um… Places"...

Nancy Kuppermann so enjoyed the arrival of Spring! Like many housewives in her community, she did all her Spring cleaning; cleaned out the basement, attic, and garage, and even painted her husband’s study and a guest bedroom and bathroom… all before she started on the gardening. She and her best pal, Karen Folger, met on Saturday and picked out tulip, hyacinth, daffodil, and jralanthus bulbs, and, after an hour or so of planting together, they went grocery shopping. Brocklezezzer’s had a special in their Wonderful World of Salad Dressings section, and the girls didn’t want to miss out on both the variety and the bargains. So many wonderful flavors and regional specialties from all different parts of their world.

But that’s how it was in a place that was strictly vegetarian. Nancy had married a Chicory, and Karen’s husband was from a long line of Arugalas. Most women eventually ate their husbands around their second or third anniversary, and certainly no later than their 4th. They’d be too woody or even wilted by then… NO! A really sumptuous husband should be fresh, leafy green, rinsed thoroughly and served with a luscious blue cheese, or, in the case of Mr. Folger, a tangy Caesar! After all, he was really Italian, wasn’t he?… and that was how Springtime was celebrated on the planet JZzelelry 6… in the “Vega” system…

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Sybil Bruncheon's Tales From Other Worlds... or... Are They?...

"Pathetic Earth creatures! We have come a great distance from another world. Our own planet was not enough for our delights. We have eaten our pets, burned our forests, gouged our mountains, and soiled our oceans. It was great fun, but now we want to do the same to yours. Offer us your abundant plenty, and we will allow you to protect one of your puny offspring from our kitchens during our feast time. One youngling only! In honor of our own beloved Spawn, who we hatched from his larva-sack and crowned as our pupa-prince. Note his oh-so-delicate fore-pincers; small and very sophisticated, and how he waves them about when he harangues his hive-ettes. Worship him and obey his whims lest you incur his righteous wrath. Build huge hive-walls to protect him from brown-things... and tremble in awe of his mighty cranium-pod covered in orange bug-silk! Bzzzzzzzz!!!!!!"

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Breaking News from the CNN News Desk: Clowning around...

Hollywood releases plans for another remake of Stephen King's IT and holds open calls for the role of Pennywise the Dancing Clown. Thwarting his cabinet's advice, the president declared that, as an actor, he had "great and unmatched wisdom" for auditioning. "After all, look how I played myself on The Apprentice... or the Sorcerer's Apprentice... or... whatever!".

Greeted by hooting, pointing, and raucous laughter, mostly by interns and cleaning staff, the president was turned away from the casting office as soon as he walked in, but he was offered a dinner theater tour of BLOW ME A POODLE-BALLOON, the musical biography of Twinkle the Birthday Clown who died in a fiery clown-car crash with 47 co-workers. The catastrophe nearly wiped out the entire children's birthday-party industry in the 1950s. The whole score is played on a calliope... and an assortment of trained-seal horns. Details at 6. Cream pies at 11.

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Sybil Bruncheon's Game Time!... The Skanks Of Christmases Past (and Present!)

Could you name all these Skanks and what they're infamous for? (clockwise from top left)

1)    Meghan McCain – Daughter of Senator John McCain and conservative panelist on The View.

2)    Linda Tripp – Gal Pal of presidential sex-intern Monica Lewinsky

3)    Myah Autry – deranged hootchy-kootcher who climbed into the lion enclosure at the Bronx Zoo

4)    Jeanine Pirro – TV judge and FOX commentator

5)    Joyce Mitchell – former prison employee who helped two murderers escape from Dannemora Prison

6)    Kim Davis – former Kentucky County Clerk who refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples

7)    Megyn Kelly – Former TODAY show anchor who was fired for insensitive “black face” comments

8)    Nikki Haley – Former Trump appointee as US Ambassador to the UN

9)    Mary Anne Trump – Mother to the 45th POTUS…

… enough said, right?

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Sybil Bruncheon's Breaking News from the CNN news desk: Old faces in the new Congress....

As the new Congress assembles, we recognize many of the long-serving politicians who return to Washington's hallowed halls with their long-standing quirks and eccentricities for yet another term... Seen here are:

(top row, l. to r.)

1) Senator Filbert Crater III: a classic multi-generational politician from a long line of mayors, governors, Congressmen, and moonshiners dating back to the 1830s in his home state. Known for his drawling delivery and off-color jokes, but also a certain amount of charm that he ladles in huge portions on elderly society ladies and their young teen-age sons.

2) Representative Beauregaard Bogardus: notoriously overweight and garrulous gourmand who often brings a nine-course lunch to his desk and eats even while pacing the floor and proposing one bill after another on obesity among inner-city school children and replacing their lunch vouchers with glasses of recycled bath-water.

3) Congresswoman Kelly "Kiki" Tarroltown: former flight attendant and beauty-pageant winner in her home-state. Known for her twinkling eyes and ready smile, she is often portrayed as the "most charming" politician in Washington, and, after hours, the most likely to be found in the Senate's men's room sharing a smoke and a round of cards with “attentive older gentlemen”!

(middle row, l. to r.)

4) Senator Angus Aloysius O'Harrigan: fiery-tempered, red-headed, and prone to fistfights, even in the White House, O'Harrigan brags about his Irish heritage, his 13 children, and his docile wife, Margaret Marie, "who keeps to her kids, her kitchen, and her corset!". Amazingly, she still has her girlish figure despite the many years of domestic life, although she has been to a couple of society events with a black eye, and the occasional broken arm.

5) Congresswoman Nellie Gelliforth: accused of being too old and doddering to serve any longer, she has been re-elected 43 times. In spite of her quavering voice, trembling hands, scrawly handwriting, and wandering mind, the Congresswoman apparently also offers a certain "grandmotherly comfort" to even the most cynical of her critics, perhaps because of her home-made perfume that she always wears on the most confrontational days... she calls it "Cookie Jar".

6) Senator Thymus Phunt, Jr.: one of the stealthiest and most sinister of the "old guard", the senator has been associated with teamster rub-outs, guerrilla activity in undeclared overseas wars, secret arms-deals with Latin American despots, assassinations in Asian casinos, and arson in various Girl Scout cookie drives.

(bottom row, l. to r.)

7) Senator Gerald Edwin Capshat: perhaps the most energetic and animated of all Washington politicians, he’s seen here with one of his ever-present Congressional volumes on policy, rules, and arcana that make him one of the greatest strategists in government. He is best known for filibustering for weeks on end, tying up legislation, shutting down the entire government, ruining the reputations and hopes of his adversaries, and living on stale Saltine crackers and glasses of warm Tang. He was once observed to have gone without urinating for 72 hours, and then, only in a waste basket next to his brief case.

8) Congressman Liam Jolley: possibly the most likable man in the Capitol building, even the janitors and pages have declared him to be kind, friendly, and ready to shake hands with visitors and tourists. Jolley has managed to get lots of work done purely on goodwill and his ability to talk with just about anyone on either side of the aisle. Sadly, he also has been on the watch-list with office security personnel as a possible desk-thief. His misdemeanors include stealing paperclips, thumb-tacks, scotch tape (double-sided only!), lip sticks, mascaras, and personal hygiene products. His breath often smells like Elmer’s Glue and felt tip pens.

9) Congresswoman Gladys Germante: liberated and self-actualizing long before the Women’s Lib movement, Germante had been a lawyer and judge in her home state following a career as a frontier midwife and “ladies’ physician”. Known for her flinty approach to lawmaking and her ability to trade jokes and smoke cigars over brandy with “the boys”, she has remained a power to be reckoned with now in her 52nd year in Congress. Unfortunately, her thinning hair and gravely voice often result in her being addressed as “sir” by the new pages that bustle about the halls… secretly, it breaks her heart. 

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