Sybil Bruncheon’s SPRING WEATHER UPDATE: Breamington Fallows…

...and today in the news, Mother Nature was seen just outside her council-flat in Breamington Fallows beginning to load up her old 1934 Charmondely with bulbs, fresh loam, humus, and various wildlife to restock the world for its upcoming Spring. Stopping for just a moment in her busy schedule, she chirped, "I like to think of myself as a kind of Noah-in-reverse! Instead of scrambling to take everything OUT of the world, I get to bring things back in after a long and boring stretch of BLAH!.... and of course, unlike Noah running around in an old bathrobe, I wear sensibly tailored tweed! I am, after all, an Englishwoman!! I have my standards! Oooops! Will you excuse me? A badger is quarreling with the songbirds again! No! NO! You're a ferret!! And that's a turtle! YOU MUSTN'T SHARE BAD-TOUCHES!!! It’s wrong! SHOCKINGLY WRONG!... oh no! I must fly!! Good-bye, my dear! Good-bye!!"...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Springtime… In Other… um… Places"...

Nancy Kuppermann so enjoyed the arrival of Spring! Like many housewives in her community, she did all her Spring cleaning; cleaned out the basement, attic, and garage, and even painted her husband’s study and a guest bedroom and bathroom… all before she started on the gardening. She and her best pal, Karen Folger, met on Saturday and picked out tulip, hyacinth, daffodil, and jralanthus bulbs, and, after an hour or so of planting together, they went grocery shopping. Brocklezezzer’s had a special in their Wonderful World of Salad Dressings section, and the girls didn’t want to miss out on both the variety and the bargains. So many wonderful flavors and regional specialties from all different parts of their world.

But that’s how it was in a place that was strictly vegetarian. Nancy had married a Chicory, and Karen’s husband was from a long line of Arugalas. Most women eventually ate their husbands around their second or third anniversary, and certainly no later than their 4th. They’d be too woody or even wilted by then… NO! A really sumptuous husband should be fresh, leafy green, rinsed thoroughly and served with a luscious blue cheese, or, in the case of Mr. Folger, a tangy Caesar! After all, he was really Italian, wasn’t he?… and that was how Springtime was celebrated on the planet JZzelelry 6… in the “Vega” system…

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Springtime Weddings from Here & There!"... Pallpointe, PA.

The wedding of Debbie Lindt; Long before people in polite society started to even whisper about fetishes, there was gossip about wedding nights involving stuffed animals, and “intimate apparel” made out of bath mats, artificial fur, discarded mink coats, and shag carpeting. Rumors had swirled in the girls’ locker room about Debbie for years, and then, finally, on her wedding day!... well, there it was. The evidence was everywhere; in the little caps, the muffs, the collars, and hemlines… and in the little “special guests” that joined the wedding party at Debbie’s invitation. That’s the “father of the bride” in the tux on the extreme left, and gay cousin “Pierre the Cocker-Poodle” on the far right!

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Sybil Bruncheon's Stories From Folks Around The World: Welcoming Spring!!!

 ......and so boys and girls, in Scrubbed Knee, Iowa, a charming tradition was begun in the 1830s with the first settlers who trailed their way across the new American countryside. Parson Ebeneezer Brackle decided to welcome Spring to his community each year by staging musical recitals after Sunday prayer services in the Little Chapel Of Unfettered Cheer. His family was known for its musical virtuosity in several different instruments including the folksy-fie-fiddle, the rum-jug, the scrub board and thimble, the jews harp, the diddley-bow, the wash-tub bass, the flat metal cymbal-thingie, the teaspoons (both bent AND straight!), and the cornstalk blow-flute. Their improvised song-lettes, their charming little dances and caprices, and their limericks about farmers' daughters and assorted animals embellished with their uncanny knack at barnyard sounds always charmed and intrigued the worshipers...and even edified them about moral questions.

The traditions of those happy though Spartan times was passed from one generation of Brackles to the next, father to son, grandfather to nubile daughter, uncle to perky niece, touchy-feely Aunt to strapping young nephew, friendly cousin to a group of other eager cousins and perhaps a nice boy from next door, drooly step-brother to half-sister's 1st cousin twice remov....well, you get the idea. Each generation inherited the old musical instruments, the original songs and poems, and some costume pieces that hadn't been washed in several seasons.

Finally, in 1936, Cyrus Brackle Jr. and his daughters Enid and Farina were in the middle of "The Brackle Family Spring-Fling" when one of the gaslights accidentally ignited Cyrus' "fertility-clown pointy-hat"..... he was half-way through his deeply emotional rendition of the "Farmer In The Dell" where "the bull takes his wife".... or "the horse starts to moo", something like that. Enid and Farina were acting out each of the characters with appropriate barnyard sounds and dance steps when their father, the Holy parson, burst into flame. The parishioners continued to clap and sway respectfully thinking that "it was all a part of the show" as Mrs. Caralee Tubbins told the fire brigade later. No one thought the screaming or the sight of the parlor organ exploding was out of place. Sadly, it was only when the girls had torn off most of their pinafores and the Pastor had been reduced to a pile of smouldering ashes that the Refreshment Committee decided there had been some sort of problem.

On a positive note though, it was discovered that the Little Chapel Of Unfettered Cheer had been constructed entirely of asbestos based materials. Even the boldly patterned wallpaper had remained completely soot-free. And that was enough for everyone to give thanks for when the apricot sherbet was served at the Ice-Cream Sociable....

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Sybil Bruncheon’s TALES & TAILS: Easter and Passover Stories of Yesteryear!…

In addition to Passover which celebrates the emancipation of the Israelites from slavery in ancient Egypt, there is also the lesser known agricultural holiday of Ослобађање од кокошињца од поо Поос (which is pronounced "Glurph zzjyjal-jadlylxxcvw" and which means "The Chicken Coop is free and clean"). This Holiday always falls on the first weekend in April and commemorates the liberation of all domesticated bird life from the tyranny of rabbits which was the norm for 19th century farm life both here and in Europe!..... Chickens, geese, ducks, and even swans in some places were used as slave labor, food sources, and cheap carnival entertainment by wealthy rabbits and their human collaborators.

Chickens especially were confined to glass boxes in sideshows and fed electronically only when they played well known songs on junky child-pianos often with only a few working keys and usually out of tune. Entire days of repeating "The Farmer In The Dell", "Frère Jacques", and "I Write The Songs" would eventually drive most hens insane or to suicide, and it was not unusual to see many chickens having to drag carts of their own eggs to market to be sold in road-side stands, dyed for Easter, thrown at Vaudeville shows, or scrambled in Greek diners!

Yes, my friends! This is Ослобађање од кокошињца од поо Поос!! The holiday when any self-respecting chicken may throw off the yolk of servitude....oops! The YOKE of servitude, and cry out, "Цоцка кретен!!"....

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Sybil Bruncheon's "HEADLINES FROM AROUND THE WORLD!"... Thawing Out!

Spring Weather Update – Moscow, April, 2019: ...and today in the news, even as relations between Russia and the US seemed to be freezing over, Trixitina, the much-beloved circus bear lumbered out of her cave at the Moscow Zoo, and spontaneously began to play what sounded like Stravinsky’s "Rite Of Spring" on a harp standing in the snow. The sight and sound of her playing Igor Stravinsky (with surprising accuracy!!) was enough to draw an ever-growing crowd and finally, Vladimir Putin himself. The Russian president, moved to tears and paroxysms of religious ecstasy, called President Trump and immediately set up a face-to-face conference to rekindle the cooperation and friendship between the two great powers.

Trixitina's playing continued on through the day to greater and greater acclaim, and Spring itself seemed to descend on the city causing flowers and trees to begin blooming in a riot of leaves and colors more reminiscent of Paris or Holland than of chilly Russia.....

It wasn't until feeding time later in the evening that a Mr. Maslo Arakhisovoye Sendvich, the lead harpist for the Minsk "Tippy-Toes" Ballet Academy for Earnest Boys, was reported as missing!!!....and that his penny loafers were found near Trixitina's water bowl.... The next morning, a passing musicologist revealed that the bear was not playing Stravinsky, but was in fact just "banging on the harp.... and scratching it rather badly, isn't she?"... Mr. Sendvich has not been found... as yet...

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