Sybil Bruncheon’s “I Had A Dream”...

… Breaking News from the CNN News Desk:
Donald Trump has been killed in a fiery car crash involving a Good Humor truck and 400lbs of Creamsicles. He awakens in a strange bedroom with all the doors and windows bricked over and no exits. On the side table is a copy of Jean Paul Sartre's play "Huis Clos". The lines for Joseph Garcin are underlined with a note saying Trump should learn them immediately... or not... whatever. Suddenly, from under the bed, Sarah Huckabee and Kellyanne Conway climb out and reveal that they are to play the roles of Inès Serrano and Estelle Rigault... or not... whatever. The role of the Valet is to be played by Mike Pence... who doesn't show up. There is an increasing smell of sulfur and farts along with extreme heat, and muffled laughter coming from inside the walls... or possibly mooing. The voice of Rod Serling is heard explaining that no, this is not a dream... and it's permanent. Whatever.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Breaking News from the CNN News Bureau!"... Putin Might Be Scootin’… (part 1)

Various international news agencies are reporting that Vladimir Putin may not still be in power by the end of this year, and in fact, may already be out of the Kremlin. Several rumors have surfaced as to where he may be and what he may be doing... (clockwise from upper left)...

1) Putin has always been eager to entertain, even as a child. He reportedly was an adept magician for birthday parties at the age of 8, and had learned how to be a ventriloquist from classes offered on the backs of comic books like "Super Comrade" and "Batmanski"... he also has a notoriously "talented" right hand...

2) Putin has always considered himself a sexual dynamo, possibly with either sex. Out of office and the public eye, he may have begun dating international businessmen, especially if they're billionaires. He particularly likes gifts of excellent champagne, top notch caviar, and cashmere jock straps...

3) Rumors have swirled that Hollywood has approached him with a series of Russian bio-pic films about American icons of the past; heroes of US history that he might consider are (in this photo) Dwight Eisenhower. Also possibly Teddy Roosevelt, Paul Revere, Mr. Rogers, and Betty Crocker.

4) Steven Spielberg may have already signed Putin on to a film, tentatively titled ДЕРЖИ МОЮ ЯЩЕРИЦУ ШЛОНГ. Rumors claim that it's the story of a shy, charming paleontologist who can't connect with girls and gradually becomes enamored with a popular raptor from the international jet-set. Despite the difference in their ages, she takes a liking to him. Romance ensues, and a wedding, and she eats him on their Honeymoon... in Minsk.

 5) Putin’s love for his cat, Meow-scow, was very well known until the little Kremlin Kitty ran under the runners of a snow sleigh during the annual Christmas festival cross-country sled race. Putin was devastated and had all 12 competing Santas shot by firing squad right there in Red Square in front of holiday shoppers at Macy’s and all their children. In memory of little Meow-scow, there’s a very good chance he might volunteer at a pet shelter and take a personal interest in homing even the most feral, rabid, and physically grotesque animals in homes of reluctant and unwilling citizens.

 6) Putin’s love of pop-music endeared him to all of Russia, especially the younger “hip” generation! A renowned ballroom dancer and air-guitar player, he may very well pursue a career at a local radio station as DJ, specializing in romantic “love-pad” music. His personal playlist on his 8-track tape deck includes “How Deep Is Your Love”, “Country Road, Take Me Home”, “Only The Lonely”, and “How Much Is That Doggy In The Window”. Putin will want to be really popular at the start of his career, so he will definitely talk with listeners on the phone and take requests… however a song that he doesn’t like may result in his death-squad paying a visit to the home of the requester… during the show!!

 7) Putin has long had business relations with various Chinese businessmen, especially in the food industry. His gourmet aspirations to being a first-class Szechuan chef have been hinted at over the years... often at international conferences where his 火熱的辣椒和小狗濃湯 (Fiery Hot Pepper With Puppy) breath might cause diplomats to faint dead away. Rumor has it that he has set aside a veritable fortune in yen for a string of drive-through, fast-food take-outs called Putin’s Peek-Inns! The menu may include “Egg Foo Yung McMuffins, and a “Moooo-Goo We-Have-The MEAT Burger”…

 8) Putin may end up in a small out of the way wildlife compound just across the Bering Sea in Alaska. There have been reports that an unnamed Russian has been hired by Sarah Palin to manage her “Maverick Moms’ Mammal Mansion”, a combination petting zoo and caged-hunt slaughter-center for millionaire-hunters who want to kill anything they can afford but without the inconvenience of camping out in the chilly weather, canned beans, bear attacks, and wet mittens.

Please stay tuned for upcoming bulletins on Vladimir Putin’s whereabouts and possible career and life choices in the event of his leaving office… voluntarily… or not.

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Breaking News from the CNN News Desk! Your Corona Virus Update!... 3/12/2020

It has been reported that the Corona Virus outbreak is causing widespread panic, misinformation, and angst. The following phenomena have been witnessed (clockwise from top left):

1) High society dinner parties and charity-galas will NOT be canceled if only because socialites and debutantes have spent too much money on pricey delicacies, haute-cuisine chefs, top-notch florists, and butler-rentals. Of course, it may be hard to actually EAT the food, but smelling it through the masks will be easy... and easier on the waist-line too, right, Ladies?

2) With the economy crashing, the big, classic Dance Marathons will make a comeback where the public can watch as impoverished neighbors literally dance themselves to death. Just as in the 1930s, injuries and accidents will be the "red meat" of these competitions, along with murders and suicides. Of course, petty crimes in the great halls the marathons held will be on the increase including pickpocketing, bait & switch schemes, and prostitution, but identifying miscreants will be nearly impossible, as you can see.

3) National conventions will be severely compromised as will state primaries and actual elections. Fortunately, as the virus kills more and more people, there will be an uptick in empathy for other species. And special care will be taken for service-animals, particularly political mascots and brand-ambassadors; Elsie the Cow, Tony the Tiger, the Geiko Gecko, and Toucan Sam have already been given safe and sanitary housing.

4) Even as most live entertainment venues have been closed by health authorities, some performers have decided to bolster public morale by creating their own home-made musical shows just like they were done by the USO during wartime. Many chorus girls from local dinner theatres have recreated Vaudeville productions and Ziegfeld follies extravaganzas... often in church basements and carnival tents in the countryside. Sadly, they have been met by end-of-the-world-religious organizations and Dooms-Dayers who condemn them, accusing them of wanton nudity, lurid degeneracy, and bestiality... specifically of "making highly realistic barnyard sounds during songs like Mairzy-Doats and How Much Is That Doggy In The Window". Stay tuned. Details at 6. Leashes and muzzles at 11.

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Breaking News from the CNN News Desk! Your Corona Virus Update!... 3/11/2020

It has been reported that the Corona Virus outbreak is causing widespread panic, misinformation, and angst. The following phenomena have been witnessed (clockwise from top left):

1) It has been proposed by reliable authorities that the virus originated and is being deliberately spread by vegetables! Having suffered for thousands of years at the hands of humans, all members of the vegetable species may in fact be finally avenging themselves on their tormentors. The National Meat Lobby, Carnivores Anonymous, and The Buddies of Bacon have all been heard to say, "SEE? We told you so!". Meanwhile, vegans and vegetarians have become refugees in major cities especially from fresh produce aisles, farmers' markets, and roadside fruit stands.

2) As all supplies diminish, food will also become a scarcity. Sadly, all animals will be at risk. Wildlife in forests and in the countryside, will be followed by zoo and circus residents and performers, followed eventually by beloved household pets. Of course it's not much of a consolation, but pure-bred and prize winning pets will be served as expensive delicacies at exclusive dinner parties and galas for the rich and their sophisticated palates.

3) Fear of germs and infection will reach a fever pitch with a return to party-lines in telephone service. As technology begins to unravel due to the loss of utility-service, phone service may actually be reduced to tin cans and string, especially since the cans and string can be easily washed and sterilized in a kitchen sink!

4) The entertainment unions and theatre owners say that there may be a massive loss of life among television, stage, and film performers; and animals, which have escaped and survived the eating frenzy by society, may have a new purpose and value as entertainers. The music industry has stated that standards in tonality and even language may be loosened out of necessity, and that meowing and barking favorite show tunes in bars may be a great solace to patrons as they drown their troubles in this new age. Stay tuned. Details at 6. Flea collars and kibble at 11.

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Sybil Bruncheon's Breaking News from the CNN News Desk!...

Rep. Jim Jordan of Ohio and Rep. Devin Nunes of California left the congressional hearings today shrieking and yowling about which one is the more savage with the Democrats, more terrifying in their search for conspiracies, and more deserving of cuddling and snacks from the president tonight! Each has threatened to tear witnesses limb from limb and to scorch the press with flames and smelly gas... (from both ends). Ambassadors, under-secretaries, and even fellow gop committee members have been seen fleeing with smoke inhalation, singed clothing, and even 2nd and 3rd degree burns. Still, with so many more days of testimony scheduled, there is no guarantee that either a winner will be declared between them or that Washington will survive the contest. The potus has tweeted that he has never been happier with a pet he has rescued from the local ASPCA. "Who wants some f*cking dog like Obama and Bush and those other Commie saps. I got something that'll EAT there damn dogs!". Details at 6. Unguentine at 11.

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Sybil Bruncheon's Breaking News from the CNN news desk!... Wauseon, Ohio... and the luncheon!

The Wauseon Republican Ladies Luncheon Club celebrated their 43rd anniversary with their "Come As Your Favorite Movie Star Holiday Extravaganza!"..... each year the gals spend months on their costumes and accessories, hair-dos and make-up to come as their Hollywood idols. And some of them are really quite convincing! From left: Mrs. Lurleen Hankin as Joan Fontaine, Mrs. William Guttle as Sally Ann Howe, Mrs. Deedee Tepp as Eva Gabor, Mrs. Scottina Mootlin as Radie Harris, Mrs. Francine Wendover as Ethel Merman, Mrs. Gertrude Julian as Rosalind Russell, Mrs. Freda Quarles as Angela Lansbury, Mrs. Kiki Tunwhistle as Patrice Munsel, and the caterer, Mr. Cliff Hunt as his mother.... who was an usherette at Grauman's Chinese Theatre. Details at 6. Plaster of Paris footprints at 11. Stay tuned.

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Sybil's "TALES & TAILS!"... Comfort Animals on the Airlines...

Breaking News from the CNN News Desk!... Airlines issue new restrictions on "Comfort Animals"; goats, snakes, insects, ferrets, hawks, and hedgehogs are still forbidden. But there are other animals that still qualify for psychological support, and passengers are urged to consider them as replacements! They are as follows, top row left to right:

1) The rare Tangerine Monkey Lobster (cute as can be, but may pinch when petted too much! Likes peanuts and dancing to organ grinder music. Becomes violent near bisques and pots of boiling water.)                                                                                                                                                 2) The Wisconsin Water-Wombie (thought of as fictional for decades like Sasquatch and the yeti... likes to roam the aircraft aisles raiding other passengers' snack trays, also for peanuts, and for packets of mayonnaise and duck sauce.)

3) The Frisking Beak Beppo (the only beaked canine allowed in the Westminster Kennel Club shows although the females do like to feather their nests with lint and sweater pickings!)

middle row left to right:

4) The Slate Grey Know-It-All (unusually tall for a comfort animal, they must be shorter than 6' and capable of administering CPR, delivering babies, and taking over the controls of the jet in case of emergencies.)

5) The Falkland Land Llama (friendly and willing to give children on the flight rides up and down the aisles. Must have water poured into its nose every ten minutes though.)

6) The Gund Cuddle Cuckoo (a remarkably cuddly creature despite the fact that it vacuums anything closer than 12" put in front of its face. Can be helpful with spilled crumbs on the carpet or seat cushions)

bottom row left to right:

7) The Two-Headed Shnur (a marsupial know for its intelligence and curiosity. Be aware that it will discuss its finds from your purse, pockets, or luggage in two different chirping voices, simultaneously. The airlines however HAVE restricted the Three and Four-headed Shnurs from "comfort" status.)

8) The Smirking Laotian Laobob (another clever little animal and perfect for traveling entertainment, although they are prone to pinching, groping, and reciting suggestive limericks and traveling salesman jokes to the unwary. Please keep them leashed at all times!)

9) The Giant Furless Thumb-Kitty (enjoys saucers of milk and being petted. Prone to chills though, so it should always have a knee-sock to cuddle in. Has a disturbingly loud purr which can be mistaken for the owner having indigestion and lower intestinal distress.)

Remember to register any of these animals with the airlines well ahead of your travel date, and be sure to carry any special foods and...um...sanitary arrangements with you as well. The flight attendants cannot be held responsible for their care... or clean-up!

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