Sybil Bruncheon's "We've Got a Nose for News!!"...

… from the White House. Donald Trump, in a fit of despondency over growing scandals, reports of criminal activities, possible charges of treason, and both a failing presidency and marriage, was just sighted blowing his brains out in the oval office. Medical personnel were on hand immediately but tragically they could not restore all of his brain matter either from his index finger or from under the edge of the desk where apparently he had been hiding much of it over the last few months. Details at 6. Kleenex at 11.

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Sybil Bruncheon's Breaking News from the CNN News Desk!...

Rep. Jim Jordan of Ohio and Rep. Devin Nunes of California left the congressional hearings today shrieking and yowling about which one is the more savage with the Democrats, more terrifying in their search for conspiracies, and more deserving of cuddling and snacks from the president tonight! Each has threatened to tear witnesses limb from limb and to scorch the press with flames and smelly gas... (from both ends). Ambassadors, under-secretaries, and even fellow gop committee members have been seen fleeing with smoke inhalation, singed clothing, and even 2nd and 3rd degree burns. Still, with so many more days of testimony scheduled, there is no guarantee that either a winner will be declared between them or that Washington will survive the contest. The potus has tweeted that he has never been happier with a pet he has rescued from the local ASPCA. "Who wants some f*cking dog like Obama and Bush and those other Commie saps. I got something that'll EAT there damn dogs!". Details at 6. Unguentine at 11.

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