Sybil Bruncheon's "Holiday Recipes... St. Patrick's Day!"...

For those of you who hate corned beef and cabbage but don't mind the gas and bad smells, we offer this alternative! Breaking News from the CNN news desk: The RNC has revealed that, in celebration of the president's soon-to-be return to the White House, they have invented an official recipe for the upcoming victory parties on election night! Their... um, "recommendation" is that all loyal Americans prepare, serve, and finish this delightful creation; a melding of recipes from the Sears Catalog Cook Book of 1946 (the president's birth year) and some hand-me-down recipes from Slovenia, the first lady's birthplace, (although there are rumors that she is from Uranus.) The RNC has suggested that the dish should be served with little toothpicks, paper umbrellas, and frankfurters... but NOT the mini ones!!... y'understand? NOT THE MINIS!!! Details at 6. The Heimlich maneuver at 11.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "We've Got a Nose for News!!"...

… from the White House. Donald Trump, in a fit of despondency over growing scandals, reports of criminal activities, possible charges of treason, and both a failing presidency and marriage, was just sighted blowing his brains out in the oval office. Medical personnel were on hand immediately but tragically they could not restore all of his brain matter either from his index finger or from under the edge of the desk where apparently he had been hiding much of it over the last few months. Details at 6. Kleenex at 11.

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