Sybil Bruncheon's "Breaking News from the CNN News Bureau!"... Putin Might Be Scootin’… (part 1)

Various international news agencies are reporting that Vladimir Putin may not still be in power by the end of this year, and in fact, may already be out of the Kremlin. Several rumors have surfaced as to where he may be and what he may be doing... (clockwise from upper left)...

1) Putin has always been eager to entertain, even as a child. He reportedly was an adept magician for birthday parties at the age of 8, and had learned how to be a ventriloquist from classes offered on the backs of comic books like "Super Comrade" and "Batmanski"... he also has a notoriously "talented" right hand...

2) Putin has always considered himself a sexual dynamo, possibly with either sex. Out of office and the public eye, he may have begun dating international businessmen, especially if they're billionaires. He particularly likes gifts of excellent champagne, top notch caviar, and cashmere jock straps...

3) Rumors have swirled that Hollywood has approached him with a series of Russian bio-pic films about American icons of the past; heroes of US history that he might consider are (in this photo) Dwight Eisenhower. Also possibly Teddy Roosevelt, Paul Revere, Mr. Rogers, and Betty Crocker.

4) Steven Spielberg may have already signed Putin on to a film, tentatively titled ДЕРЖИ МОЮ ЯЩЕРИЦУ ШЛОНГ. Rumors claim that it's the story of a shy, charming paleontologist who can't connect with girls and gradually becomes enamored with a popular raptor from the international jet-set. Despite the difference in their ages, she takes a liking to him. Romance ensues, and a wedding, and she eats him on their Honeymoon... in Minsk.

 5) Putin’s love for his cat, Meow-scow, was very well known until the little Kremlin Kitty ran under the runners of a snow sleigh during the annual Christmas festival cross-country sled race. Putin was devastated and had all 12 competing Santas shot by firing squad right there in Red Square in front of holiday shoppers at Macy’s and all their children. In memory of little Meow-scow, there’s a very good chance he might volunteer at a pet shelter and take a personal interest in homing even the most feral, rabid, and physically grotesque animals in homes of reluctant and unwilling citizens.

 6) Putin’s love of pop-music endeared him to all of Russia, especially the younger “hip” generation! A renowned ballroom dancer and air-guitar player, he may very well pursue a career at a local radio station as DJ, specializing in romantic “love-pad” music. His personal playlist on his 8-track tape deck includes “How Deep Is Your Love”, “Country Road, Take Me Home”, “Only The Lonely”, and “How Much Is That Doggy In The Window”. Putin will want to be really popular at the start of his career, so he will definitely talk with listeners on the phone and take requests… however a song that he doesn’t like may result in his death-squad paying a visit to the home of the requester… during the show!!

 7) Putin has long had business relations with various Chinese businessmen, especially in the food industry. His gourmet aspirations to being a first-class Szechuan chef have been hinted at over the years... often at international conferences where his 火熱的辣椒和小狗濃湯 (Fiery Hot Pepper With Puppy) breath might cause diplomats to faint dead away. Rumor has it that he has set aside a veritable fortune in yen for a string of drive-through, fast-food take-outs called Putin’s Peek-Inns! The menu may include “Egg Foo Yung McMuffins, and a “Moooo-Goo We-Have-The MEAT Burger”…

 8) Putin may end up in a small out of the way wildlife compound just across the Bering Sea in Alaska. There have been reports that an unnamed Russian has been hired by Sarah Palin to manage her “Maverick Moms’ Mammal Mansion”, a combination petting zoo and caged-hunt slaughter-center for millionaire-hunters who want to kill anything they can afford but without the inconvenience of camping out in the chilly weather, canned beans, bear attacks, and wet mittens.

Please stay tuned for upcoming bulletins on Vladimir Putin’s whereabouts and possible career and life choices in the event of his leaving office… voluntarily… or not.

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Breaking News from the CNN News Desk! Your Corona Virus Update!... 3/12/2020

It has been reported that the Corona Virus outbreak is causing widespread panic, misinformation, and angst. The following phenomena have been witnessed (clockwise from top left):

1) High society dinner parties and charity-galas will NOT be canceled if only because socialites and debutantes have spent too much money on pricey delicacies, haute-cuisine chefs, top-notch florists, and butler-rentals. Of course, it may be hard to actually EAT the food, but smelling it through the masks will be easy... and easier on the waist-line too, right, Ladies?

2) With the economy crashing, the big, classic Dance Marathons will make a comeback where the public can watch as impoverished neighbors literally dance themselves to death. Just as in the 1930s, injuries and accidents will be the "red meat" of these competitions, along with murders and suicides. Of course, petty crimes in the great halls the marathons held will be on the increase including pickpocketing, bait & switch schemes, and prostitution, but identifying miscreants will be nearly impossible, as you can see.

3) National conventions will be severely compromised as will state primaries and actual elections. Fortunately, as the virus kills more and more people, there will be an uptick in empathy for other species. And special care will be taken for service-animals, particularly political mascots and brand-ambassadors; Elsie the Cow, Tony the Tiger, the Geiko Gecko, and Toucan Sam have already been given safe and sanitary housing.

4) Even as most live entertainment venues have been closed by health authorities, some performers have decided to bolster public morale by creating their own home-made musical shows just like they were done by the USO during wartime. Many chorus girls from local dinner theatres have recreated Vaudeville productions and Ziegfeld follies extravaganzas... often in church basements and carnival tents in the countryside. Sadly, they have been met by end-of-the-world-religious organizations and Dooms-Dayers who condemn them, accusing them of wanton nudity, lurid degeneracy, and bestiality... specifically of "making highly realistic barnyard sounds during songs like Mairzy-Doats and How Much Is That Doggy In The Window". Stay tuned. Details at 6. Leashes and muzzles at 11.

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