Breaking News from the CNN News Desk! Your Corona Virus Update!... 3/12/2020

It has been reported that the Corona Virus outbreak is causing widespread panic, misinformation, and angst. The following phenomena have been witnessed (clockwise from top left):

1) High society dinner parties and charity-galas will NOT be canceled if only because socialites and debutantes have spent too much money on pricey delicacies, haute-cuisine chefs, top-notch florists, and butler-rentals. Of course, it may be hard to actually EAT the food, but smelling it through the masks will be easy... and easier on the waist-line too, right, Ladies?

2) With the economy crashing, the big, classic Dance Marathons will make a comeback where the public can watch as impoverished neighbors literally dance themselves to death. Just as in the 1930s, injuries and accidents will be the "red meat" of these competitions, along with murders and suicides. Of course, petty crimes in the great halls the marathons held will be on the increase including pickpocketing, bait & switch schemes, and prostitution, but identifying miscreants will be nearly impossible, as you can see.

3) National conventions will be severely compromised as will state primaries and actual elections. Fortunately, as the virus kills more and more people, there will be an uptick in empathy for other species. And special care will be taken for service-animals, particularly political mascots and brand-ambassadors; Elsie the Cow, Tony the Tiger, the Geiko Gecko, and Toucan Sam have already been given safe and sanitary housing.

4) Even as most live entertainment venues have been closed by health authorities, some performers have decided to bolster public morale by creating their own home-made musical shows just like they were done by the USO during wartime. Many chorus girls from local dinner theatres have recreated Vaudeville productions and Ziegfeld follies extravaganzas... often in church basements and carnival tents in the countryside. Sadly, they have been met by end-of-the-world-religious organizations and Dooms-Dayers who condemn them, accusing them of wanton nudity, lurid degeneracy, and bestiality... specifically of "making highly realistic barnyard sounds during songs like Mairzy-Doats and How Much Is That Doggy In The Window". Stay tuned. Details at 6. Leashes and muzzles at 11.

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