SybilSez...

Sybil Bruncheon has been performing on stage, radio, TV, film, and in various Vaudeville, burlesque, church basement, county fair, and sideshow....uh..."venues" for most of her 29 years. She is available for bookings for just about anything and can be reached at bruncheon@hotmail.com and on her website sybilbruncheon.com. She is a proud member of the Actors Equity Association and the Screen Actors Guild. Her erdo number is 16.

It has been reported that the Corona Virus outbreak is causing widespread panic, misinformation, and angst. The following phenomena have been witnessed (clockwise from top left):

1) High society dinner parties and charity-galas will NOT be canceled if only because socialites and debutantes have spent too much money on pricey delicacies, haute-cuisine chefs, top-notch florists, and butler-rentals. Of course, it may be hard to actually EAT the food, but smelling it through the masks will be easy... and easier on the waist-line too, right, Ladies?

2) With the economy crashing, the big, classic Dance Marathons will make a comeback where the public can watch as impoverished neighbors literally dance themselves to death. Just as in the 1930s, injuries and accidents will be the "red meat" of these competitions, along with murders and suicides. Of course, petty crimes in the great halls the marathons held will be on the increase including pickpocketing, bait & switch schemes, and prostitution, but identifying miscreants will be nearly impossible, as you can see.

3) National conventions will be severely compromised as will state primaries and actual elections. Fortunately, as the virus kills more and more people, there will be an uptick in empathy for other species. And special care will be taken for service-animals, particularly political mascots and brand-ambassadors; Elsie the Cow, Tony the Tiger, the Geiko Gecko, and Toucan Sam have already been given safe and sanitary housing.

4) Even as most live entertainment venues have been closed by health authorities, some performers have decided to bolster public morale by creating their own home-made musical shows just like they were done by the USO during wartime. Many chorus girls from local dinner theatres have recreated Vaudeville productions and Ziegfeld follies extravaganzas... often in church basements and carnival tents in the countryside. Sadly, they have been met by end-of-the-world-religious organizations and Dooms-Dayers who condemn them, accusing them of wanton nudity, lurid degeneracy, and bestiality... specifically of "making highly realistic barnyard sounds during songs like Mairzy-Doats and How Much Is That Doggy In The Window". Stay tuned. Details at 6. Leashes and muzzles at 11.

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It has been reported that the Corona Virus outbreak is causing widespread panic, misinformation, and angst. The following phenomena have been witnessed (clockwise from top left):

1) It has been proposed by reliable authorities that the virus originated and is being deliberately spread by vegetables! Having suffered for thousands of years at the hands of humans, all members of the vegetable species may in fact be finally avenging themselves on their tormentors. The National Meat Lobby, Carnivores Anonymous, and The Buddies of Bacon have all been heard to say, "SEE? We told you so!". Meanwhile, vegans and vegetarians have become refugees in major cities especially from fresh produce aisles, farmers' markets, and roadside fruit stands.

2) As all supplies diminish, food will also become a scarcity. Sadly, all animals will be at risk. Wildlife in forests and in the countryside, will be followed by zoo and circus residents and performers, followed eventually by beloved household pets. Of course it's not much of a consolation, but pure-bred and prize winning pets will be served as expensive delicacies at exclusive dinner parties and galas for the rich and their sophisticated palates.

3) Fear of germs and infection will reach a fever pitch with a return to party-lines in telephone service. As technology begins to unravel due to the loss of utility-service, phone service may actually be reduced to tin cans and string, especially since the cans and string can be easily washed and sterilized in a kitchen sink!

4) The entertainment unions and theatre owners say that there may be a massive loss of life among television, stage, and film performers; and animals, which have escaped and survived the eating frenzy by society, may have a new purpose and value as entertainers. The music industry has stated that standards in tonality and even language may be loosened out of necessity, and that meowing and barking favorite show tunes in bars may be a great solace to patrons as they drown their troubles in this new age. Stay tuned. Details at 6. Flea collars and kibble at 11.