Breaking News from the CNN News Desk! Your Corona Virus Update!... 3/11/2020

It has been reported that the Corona Virus outbreak is causing widespread panic, misinformation, and angst. The following phenomena have been witnessed (clockwise from top left):

1) It has been proposed by reliable authorities that the virus originated and is being deliberately spread by vegetables! Having suffered for thousands of years at the hands of humans, all members of the vegetable species may in fact be finally avenging themselves on their tormentors. The National Meat Lobby, Carnivores Anonymous, and The Buddies of Bacon have all been heard to say, "SEE? We told you so!". Meanwhile, vegans and vegetarians have become refugees in major cities especially from fresh produce aisles, farmers' markets, and roadside fruit stands.

2) As all supplies diminish, food will also become a scarcity. Sadly, all animals will be at risk. Wildlife in forests and in the countryside, will be followed by zoo and circus residents and performers, followed eventually by beloved household pets. Of course it's not much of a consolation, but pure-bred and prize winning pets will be served as expensive delicacies at exclusive dinner parties and galas for the rich and their sophisticated palates.

3) Fear of germs and infection will reach a fever pitch with a return to party-lines in telephone service. As technology begins to unravel due to the loss of utility-service, phone service may actually be reduced to tin cans and string, especially since the cans and string can be easily washed and sterilized in a kitchen sink!

4) The entertainment unions and theatre owners say that there may be a massive loss of life among television, stage, and film performers; and animals, which have escaped and survived the eating frenzy by society, may have a new purpose and value as entertainers. The music industry has stated that standards in tonality and even language may be loosened out of necessity, and that meowing and barking favorite show tunes in bars may be a great solace to patrons as they drown their troubles in this new age. Stay tuned. Details at 6. Flea collars and kibble at 11.

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