Breaking News from the CNN News Desk!... Airlines issue new restrictions on "Comfort Animals"; goats, snakes, insects, ferrets, hawks, and hedgehogs are still forbidden. But there are other animals that still qualify for psychological support, and passengers are urged to consider them as replacements! They are as follows, top row left to right:

1) The rare Tangerine Monkey Lobster (cute as can be, but may pinch when petted too much! Likes peanuts and dancing to organ grinder music. Becomes violent near bisques and pots of boiling water.) 2) The Wisconsin Water-Wombie (thought of as fictional for decades like Sasquatch and the yeti... likes to roam the aircraft aisles raiding other passengers' snack trays, also for peanuts, and for packets of mayonnaise and duck sauce.)

3) The Frisking Beak Beppo (the only beaked canine allowed in the Westminster Kennel Club shows although the females do like to feather their nests with lint and sweater pickings!)

middle row left to right:

4) The Slate Grey Know-It-All (unusually tall for a comfort animal, they must be shorter than 6' and capable of administering CPR, delivering babies, and taking over the controls of the jet in case of emergencies.)

5) The Falkland Land Llama (friendly and willing to give children on the flight rides up and down the aisles. Must have water poured into its nose every ten minutes though.)

6) The Gund Cuddle Cuckoo (a remarkably cuddly creature despite the fact that it vacuums anything closer than 12" put in front of its face. Can be helpful with spilled crumbs on the carpet or seat cushions)

bottom row left to right:

7) The Two-Headed Shnur (a marsupial know for its intelligence and curiosity. Be aware that it will discuss its finds from your purse, pockets, or luggage in two different chirping voices, simultaneously. The airlines however HAVE restricted the Three and Four-headed Shnurs from "comfort" status.)

8) The Smirking Laotian Laobob (another clever little animal and perfect for traveling entertainment, although they are prone to pinching, groping, and reciting suggestive limericks and traveling salesman jokes to the unwary. Please keep them leashed at all times!)

9) The Giant Furless Thumb-Kitty (enjoys saucers of milk and being petted. Prone to chills though, so it should always have a knee-sock to cuddle in. Has a disturbingly loud purr which can be mistaken for the owner having indigestion and lower intestinal distress.)

Remember to register any of these animals with the airlines well ahead of your travel date, and be sure to carry any special foods and...um...sanitary arrangements with you as well. The flight attendants cannot be held responsible for their care... or clean-up!

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