Sybil Bruncheon's A Tale for Thanksgiving Time: "SUBURBAN STORIES THAT STUN AND STUPEFY"...

TODAY IN THE NEWS!..... The warning signs had been there for several months. Mrs. Ruth Anne Snively of 1148 Pembroke Lane had complained to her neighbors of strange voices, coming at first from the telephone, the radio, the television where it seemed strange voices always might have been heard. Indeed, "Ruthie", as she was known to all the Girl Scout Troop mothers, had been known for her quick wit, her sparkling sense of humor, her quirky imagination, and for her desire to be a stand-up comedian in local clubs "once the kids have grown up" as she put it. She even managed a couple of tentative debuts at the local Kiwanis and Shriner's clubs where her little act was described by the local critics as "refreshing"....and "a charming bit of whimsical and timely fluff filled with social commentary and some recipes".

Perhaps it was no surprise when Mrs. Snively began to exhibit eccentricities like a growing diet of Hostess Ding Dongs, Pringles Potato Chips, and vegan "beef" jerky. Frequently, she would answer her front door with facial masks of Marshmallow Fluff and Peter Pan Extra-Crunchy Peanut Butter. Her dependence on increasing dosages of St. Joseph's Aspirin for Children did not go unnoticed at PTA meetings...And on weekends, she could be found incoherent in back alleyways completely drunk on cocktails of Tang ....and Woolite....and Maraschino cherries. After her husband Arthur left her taking the children to Chillicothe, her friends tried interventions and enlisting the aid of the Come To Jesus Society Of Sobriety down on Walnut Street... but nothing worked.

It was finally on that terrible day in January when Snively wandered into her kitchen and overheard all her appliances talking behind her back. Oh yes!..They quickly smiled and pretended to change the subject, but it was too late. She had heard the worst!...and the jokes at her expense.... comments about "that tired old apron", and her "water-weight gain after the Holidays".....It was all too much! TOO MUCH!...and so, lovely, sweet, witty Mrs. Ruth Anne Snively calmly went to her former friend the Sunbeam waffle maker, laid her perfectly coiffed head down on its non-stick surface, and slowly pressed herself into a fluffy breakfast treat for the police to find later in the afternoon. Her suicide note was found on the counter beside an unopened bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's and a virgin stick of Land 'O' Lakes lightly salted butter. (You know Land 'O' Lakes? The one with the Indian maiden on the front whose knees look like breasts??)

Well, Ruth is now being treated for first degree burns and minor cheek-dimpling at Flower Of Mercy Hospital downtown, and will be receiving a lovely re-contouring of her complexion while being housed in their newly opened Extreme Neurosis Wing. She's slowly being re-acclimated to Kitchen Chore duty.... but under strict (and loving!) supervision.... (she continues to wear earplugs to ...shut out.. "unwelcome" chatter"...)

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Aren't People Fascinating?... Muriel Desatnick..."

Muriel had always taken care of her entire family even as a child. At six, her domineering mother taught her how to do the laundry, wash the dishes, polish the silver, and to scrub the floors ("Don't forget the baseboards, Muriel!… THE DAMN BASEBOARDS!!")...

When her friends were out playing after school, Muriel was just starting some housekeeping project or another, then cooking and serving dinner, and then to bed to finish her homework before falling asleep in her pillows and school books. Week after week, semester after semester, year after year, the grades slipped through her rough, red, dish-water hands and wrinkled fingers...

Time passed, and first her grandparents, and then each of her parents passed away as well... until finally, she was alone. Blessédly alone.

At 58 years of age, she had spent nearly her entire life taking care of her family's needs like a maid, a common maid. Was it any surprise, once the last funeral had been arranged and attended, that Muriel's first solitary night in the house was a restful one? The guests for the wake had left, the dishes were in the sink, the leftovers were on the counters, glasses and cups on the side tables... Muriel looked around and breathed a sigh of relief. A sigh of relief that had decades of baggage and heft behind it, and deep, deep subtext running through it. Her sigh contained a level of release and gratitude that few people would ever experience... or even imagine. And then, slowly and almost imperceptibly, these years too began to slide by... but this time, with a simple quiet joy, too quiet and simple for other folks to notice or understand, but rich and lovely enough for Muriel. Colored, and vivid, and flavorful for Muriel. Each moment a celebration of peace and fulfillment and... well... life!

And NO, to answer your question, she never, ever cleaned a single thing again in her long, long, long life. Not a single thing.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Let's Laugh on Laundry Day!"...

1)   Always check both the washer and the dryer for left-behind items from other users… (orphaned underpants, expensive cashmere sweater-sets… possibly even money too! Hell, I’ll bend over for a quarter! LOLOL!)

2)   Always clean the detergent, bleach, and softener slots thoroughly and any other spills on top of the washer. Why can’t people pour their liquid laundry products inside the little drawers instead of all over the rest of the machine? JEEESH! And always clean the dryer filter before use too. Interestingly, fire departments warn that lint traps are overwhelmingly a source of fires… (I wonder if the same is true for dust-bunnies under the sofa?...)

3)   Obviously separate whites from colors, but also separate more delicate garments, etc. from bath towels, heavy blankets, thick denims, etc. (So much for tumbling your négligées with old burlap potato sacks!)

4)   Always zip up zippers completely, and even turn those items inside out so that the zipper tabs (or any other sharp metal!) will not tumble around and snag fabric.

5)   Use less detergent than recommended by the maker, and always opt for an “Extra Rinse” cycle to get your laundry free of all chemicals. No more “itchies”!!

6)   Be sure to bring a dish-towel or an old T-shirt to fold and wedge between your washer and the one next to it during a spin cycle in case it goes off balance. I call it the “Laundry Lambada”! The folded fabric will force the machines into a tight, non-rocking fit and keep them “on-cycle”. (This is one of my very favorite housekeeping inventions! You’re welcome!)

7)   Always check your washer when you’re finished for any left-behind items of your own; the orphan sock, the sequined g-string, (and again, MONEY!)…

8)   Shake out all your damp laundry before you load it into the dryer, especially pillow cases! You’ll be amazed at how much less wrinkled they’ll be after drying even if you’re not the kind of person who irons the sheets!

9)   When drying bed sheets, always check the dryer after the first 20 minutes, pull it all out of the dryer for a quick shake-out to make sure it’s not just ending up as a tangled lump of wet cloth at the end of the cycle. (I think that’s how they may have finally located Jimmy Hoffa and the Lindbergh baby!)

10)  Check YouTube for a video of “How to fold a fitted sheet”. It’s actually quite simple and loads of fun! No pun intended!

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Sybil Bruncheon's A Tale for Thanksgiving Time: "SUBURBAN STORIES THAT STUN AND STUPEFY"...

The warning signs had been there for several months. Mrs. Ruth Anne Snively of 1148 Pembroke Lane had complained to her neighbors of strange voices, coming at first from the telephone, the radio, the television where it seemed strange voices always might have been heard. Indeed, "Ruthie", as she was known to all the Girl Scout Troop mothers, had been known for her quick wit, her sparkling sense of humor, her quirky imagination, and for her desire to be a stand-up comedian in local clubs "once the kids have grown up" as she put it. She even managed a couple of tentative debuts at the local Kiwanis and Shriner's clubs where her little act was described by the local critics as "refreshing"....and "a charming bit of whimsical and timely fluff filled with social commentary and some recipes".

Perhaps it was no surprise when Mrs. Snively began to exhibit eccentricities like a growing diet of Hostess Ding Dongs, Pringles Potato Chips, and vegan "beef" jerky. Frequently, she would answer her front door with facial masks of Marshmallow Fluff and Peter Pan Extra-Crunchy Peanut Butter. Her dependence on increasing dosages of St. Joseph's Aspirin for Children did not go unnoticed at PTA meetings...And on weekends, she could be found incoherent in back alleyways completely drunk on cocktails of Tang ....and Woolite....and Maraschino cherries. After her husband Arthur left her taking the children to Chillicothe, her friends tried interventions and enlisting the aid of the Come To Jesus Society Of Sobriety down on Walnut Street... but nothing worked.

It was finally on that terrible day in January when Snively wandered into her kitchen and overheard all her appliances talking behind her back. Oh yes!..They quickly smiled and pretended to change the subject, but it was too late. She had heard the worst!...and the jokes at her expense.... comments about "that tired old apron", and her "water-weight gain after the Holidays".....It was all too much! TOO MUCH!...and so, lovely, sweet, witty Mrs. Ruth Anne Snively calmly went to her former friend the Sunbeam waffle maker, laid her perfectly coiffed head down on its non-stick surface, and slowly pressed herself into a fluffy breakfast treat for the police to find later in the afternoon. Her suicide note was found on the counter beside an unopened bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's and a virgin stick of Land 'O' Lakes lightly salted butter. (You know Land 'O' Lakes? The one with the Indian maiden on the front whose knees look like breasts??)

Well, Ruth is now being treated for first degree burns and minor cheek-dimpling at Flower Of Mercy Hospital downtown, and will be receiving a lovely re-contouring of her complexion while being housed in their newly opened Extreme Neurosis Wing. She's slowly being re-acclimated to Kitchen Chore duty.... but under strict (and loving!) supervision.... (she continues to wear earplugs to ...shut out.. "unwelcome" chatter"...)

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It's Spring time!!!

Ladies!!!...(and like-minded Gents!)...Spring is almost here, and we all want to give her a warm welcome into our homes, don't we?? Well, now is the time to start those special "Spring-Cleaning" projects that we knew were coming back in February. Procrastination is NOT the way to go! Let's pull out the silver polish, the can of Lemon Pledge, the Swiffer, and the extension poles for the Electro-Lux and get to those special neglected parts of our homes! You never know what may be waiting for you there!! A quarter in the sofa cushions, a missing earring under the side table.... or....?????

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