Sybil Bruncheon's "Just My Opinion... BUT!"... Bad Table Manners! A deal breaker???
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Darlings, Aunt Alicia in GIGI (1958) may have been right when she said, "Bad table manners, my dear Gigi, have broken up more households than infidelity."
Have you ever gone on a first date and been shocked over dinner? Or embarrassed to introduce your luncheon pal to your Mother? Or stunned at your boss' behavior over a morning coffee? Well, here are just twelve of the many, many table-manner DON'Ts that are deal-breakers for many people... sort of our Dirty Dozen of Dining!
1) Chewing with your mouth open! The truth of the matter is that no one needs to see time-lapse photography of each mouthful as you chomp away. We're quite sure it's all being broken down quite adequately behind your CLOSED lips. This also keeps any of it from falling out on the paisley necktie your grandma gave you commemorating the Beatles 10th anniversary of "We're So Sorry, Uncle Albert!"... And of course, it precludes you talking elaborately with your mouth full too...
2) Speaking of talking, the invention of the cell phone has resulted in vast portions of the population no longer speaking to dinner companions... or even looking at them. Indeed, with the entire workforce sitting in cubicles, there's much to be said for building all future restaurants with single-seat dining boxes. A "four-top"?!?... Why bother? Cell phone use is particularly annoying for the unfortunate diners who actually go out to dinner to visit and chat with a companion... and how poignant, actually tragic is it to see a child at a table with parents blabbing or texting away without so much as a smile to their young?... unless of course the toddler has already been swallowed into the same blank cult with his own cell phone!... a gift for his first birthday!
3) Smoking at the dinner table was finally outlawed in restaurants, but only indoors. There are still open-air places where people can get away with it... or try to. Simply put, it's disgusting, especially if other non-smokers are trying to enjoy their food without the flavorful additions of Marlborough or Virginia Slims. Excuse yourself, and go someplace DOWN-wind of everyone who's decided to preserve their poor hardworking lungs! And even if you're out with a bunch of smoking diners, never, ever stub a cigarette out in a dinner plate when you're finished. It's an appalling insult to your host and the cook.
4) Along those same lines, I can't tell you the number of people, rich and "cultured" ones as well, who casually drop their napkins over the food on their plate when they're done. Literally blanketing that Bœuf Bourguignon with a fine linen napkin and walking away as it soaks into the red wine sauce... I especially like it when they take the time to fold the napkin before they do it... as opposed to just crumpling it up in a wad... and then, KER-PLOP. Unless you really mean to thoroughly insult your host, the cook, or the entire restaurant because you absolutely hated the meal, never, EVER do anything to any napkin! No crumpling. No sauce. Nope! When you're finished, simply fold your napkin neatly and place it beside the plate. BESIDE THE PLATE! Done, and done!
5) Silverware; Ok, presumably, you're not a 4 year-old at the beach with a sand pail and shovel!... nor are you Jack the Ripper about to disembowel your dinner date... or are YOU? Your fork and knife are placed where they are to stay; Fork on the left, knife on the right! Pick your fork up in your left hand, and there it stays! You can use it to scoop or if you roll it over, to pierce. And your knife is in your right hand to cut, or to scoop food onto your fork (still in your left hand!) No need to switch hands and utensils, and PLEASE! Check Youtube videos or enroll in an etiquette school to see how to HOLD forks and knives! Again, they're not gardening tools! You don't hold them in a closed fist as if you're in the mess-hall of a penitentiary. Children's little hands may be clumsy with silverware, but grownups (and I mean 10 year-olds and older!) should be able to manage this simple manual task!
6) Hands; Yes, there are some cultures that use their hands to eat without the benefit of any utensils at all. But in the West, we still rely on silverware, (and in the East, there's the chopstick). From Seattle to St. Tropez, the only foods you need to pick up in your hands are breads (dinner rolls, donuts, peanut butter sandwiches), vegetables (carrot and celery sticks, French fries, edamame beans), and treats (chips, pretzels, expensive chocolates)... most everything else is too wet, juicy, and messy to eat with your fingers... unless you're home alone in the bath tub gorging by candle light! Don't eat with your hands in public, and don't lick your fingers!
7) Never "noodle"! Slurping up spaghetti or even noodles in chicken soup is wrong! JUST PLAIN WRONG! You're not an Electrolux vacuum cleaner, and no one wants to see it or HEAR that sound!... and speaking of that sound! What's with slurping? Is it a cultural thing? Why does Streisand do it in THE WAY WE WERE (1974)? It's grotesque. Imagine if every table in a restaurant was doing it... or all the guests at a royal banquet in Buckingham Palace!... or all the mourners at a funeral luncheon for Aunt Harriet!! Slurp! Slurp!! SLUUUUURP!!! Really!... and that goes for ANY noisy eating what-so-ever! Except for the unavoidable crunch of crisp foods, ideally, eating should be silent! Conversation should be unpunctuated by anything else!
8) Double-Dipping! Back to communal food… Case-in-point; Chips and dip! What are you thinking when you scoop a chip into a bowl of guacamole, bite half of it, and then scoop again with the same chip… or carrot stick, or whatever! Either swallow the entire item you’ve scooped… or break a bite-sized piece off before you scoop it into the dip. Your saliva, your sticky fingers, indeed, any part of your body and its bodily fluids do NOT need to be in circulation at dinner. I know, it doesn’t seem fair in this me-first political climate, but that’s just the way it is, Karen!
9) Never eat out of a serving dish. Famous narcissists like Roy Cohn use to do this at dinner parties. Right out of serving dishes at high-class dinner parties on Fifth Avenue! And people would look down in their laps, cough nervously, and try to ignore it because… well, because he was Roy Cohn and a profoundly dangerous thug in New York’s social life. When he wasn’t in someone’s home, and was out in NYC’s fabulous restaurants, he would actually eat off other people’s plates. I’ve had family members who did this, and, when confronted, being narcissists, they either chuckled merrily or acted hurt and imposed upon… Unless you’re home with family (and enablers at that!) never presume to put your hands into other people’s food… unless invited! Period!
10) Never be rude to restaurant employees. Even if they’ve been rude first… Yes, you’re paying money, and yes, you DO deserve to have a lovely evening!... BUT. If you’ve never had a food service job, you have no idea how appalling and contemptible the dining public can be on their 2 hour Saturday night outing with a little liquor and all the sad bourgeoisie pretensions of having a “staff” at their disposal! The average Joe isn’t a Vanderbilt, a Morgan, or even a Kennedy. Having never had servants, Joe doesn’t realize that eating in a restaurant in Buttpoke, Arkansas doesn’t mean he should order everyone around in a Thurston Howell III lock-jaw! Just as most waiters learn to “kill the customer with kindness” to get the best possible tips, customers should learn to “kill the staff with kindness” to get the best possible service (and a possible extra glass of wine or a dessert!). Always look the waiter in the eye when you’re ordering. Don’t look all over the room while you’re talking to them! Would you do that to your boss, your spouse, your MOM? And try using the waiter’s name when you ask them for more water, coffee, a slice of lemon! Using a person’s name in conversation is one of the basic and most effective life-lessons in the general adventure of living! Please and Thank-you are great dining tools too! And don’t get me started on tipping. If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to go to a restaurant, or indeed get a coffee at Starbuck’s!... and you know who you are.
11) Bodily functions!... need I say more? No, really! Need I say more? No one is interested in you blowing your nose or picking it, drilling into your ear, or trying to dislodge food from your teeth at the table! It’s a short, slippery step to belching, farting… and if we’re going to allow that, why don’t we just take a dump at the table? Excuse yourself to a restroom for ALL and ANY of it… and by the way, cover your wide-open yawns, and certainly do them silently, behind your napkin!
12) Even when you’re home alone… and on the phone! Do you really need to eat into the ear of your caller? Maybe you don’t mind folks chewing and chomping into your ear during a phone chat, but some folks consider it really déclassé. Above and beyond the sound being like fingernails-on-a-blackboard for some people, it also might symbolize something else for them too… You might think it’s a sign of familiarity and intimacy, but some people consider it dismissive and insulting, as if you’re just fitting them into your busy schedule. Similar to using the toilet while you were talking to them on the phone.
These twelve are just a few of the many egregious Table-Manner Related Dining DON’Ts that have become de rigueur in this culturally bankrupt world we live in today! Feel free to contribute your OWN pet peeves. I may have to do another Dirty Dozen list!
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