Sybil Bruncheon's "Mythology Can Be Modern!": The true story of sporting events and country clubs in the ancient world!

A little known fact about the Romans was that in addition to their public baths and seaside resorts, they also had exclusive country clubs much like ours today! Did you know that when they finally conquered the savages on what became the British isles, they learned the very earliest versions of golf?

Here, in this mosaic, Hercules becomes very irate with his caddy Dunlopicus for wearing a funny mask to distract him during his putt on hole XVI, and then bludgeons him to death with his VII bronze... Interesting to note, golf in those times was also "clothing optional"...

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Sybil Bruncheon’s "Mythology Can Be Modern!": A typical day at the office... on Mt. Olympus!

A typical day at the office on Mt. Olympus... Here in this ancient mosaic, we see a portrayal of Pompos Majoricus, a minor demigod in the pantheon of divine mythology. Although he aspired to be as important as some of the more major figures like Zeus and Athena, he remained merely a third tier immortal among the other 400 or so gods, goddesses, nymphs, driads, naiads, satyrs, centaurs, pixies, and other assorted glommers and hangers-on. He is seen here in his branch office in a suburb of Thebes called V Towns (or as they call it on Long Island, Five Towns). On the left is Spamatina, his personal secretary with a list of local farmers and craftspersons who may have to be relocated or even reconfigured into other creatures depending on their manners and sexual performances with visiting gods from the main office. And on the right, we have Humanus Resoursos, who has brought what is left of a former employee who had lunch with the Furies, the Harpies, and the Gorgons.... and ended up becoming lunch! He was served with a delicious cheese sauce...hence the origin of "Gorgonzola"...

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Sybil Bruncheon's “Mythology Can Be Modern!”: The true story of the Nine Muses....

Many mythologists and historians have debated the origins and the stories of the Nine Muses. As a matter of fact Edith Hamilton and I had a long rivalry for the attentions of Tommy Bulfinch until we all woke up in a seedy motel room after a three-day drunken orgy with togas and laurel wreaths and a couple of fraternity boys and... well, you get the idea. Anyway, I shall now present my OWN theory on who and what the Nine Muses really were...

Starting from the upper left:

1) Floozalla - Patroness of Friendliness to strangers, especially during nude athletic contests, nude wine tastings, nude lyre competitions, and wars (nude or otherwise).

2) Gagto - Guardian and Encourager of Vomiters… and Vomitresses.

3) Spazto - Friend of extreme drunkeness and the merriment it causes. Her two attending nymphs are Convulsos and Yowlette.

4) Pixie-deelos - Sponsor of dance marathons often in tandem with Spazto (see above). Also curer of blisters and warder-off of splinters (though not successfully! Zeus has spoken to her about this!). 

5) Gastris - Securer of flatulence and soothsayer through "the secret language of farts". (Predictor of future events and able to tell what dinner was the night before.)

6) Lim-Reeka – Inspirer of naughty poems and songs usually about traveling olive oil salesmen and shepherd's daughters... or the actual sheep themselves; often performed in conjunction with other activities, perhaps in Athenian alleyways… or in cheap Spartan motels. (Watch for other Muses! They like poetry too!)

7) Itchra – Mother of athletic supporters and clean laundry.

8) Dragtathos – Agent for all Greek actors who prance around as women, and all Greek women who have facial hair like men… and personal manager of Nana Mouskouri.

9) Baklavada – Temptress of fine foods, rare wines, and imported delicacies, and continual tormentor and nagger of fat people.

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “Our Thanksgiving Heritage:... The Early Years!!...

.... Yes, Friends, although we associate Thanksgiving with our own fun-loving pilgrims from the 1600s, in fact other civilizations had their own earlier versions of "Thanksgiving". Did you know that in ancient Egypt, there was a famous tradition of giving thanks in the Fall season for the bounteous harvests granted by the Nile river?... The people prepared their own feasts comprising yam-beetle casseroles with a river-reed bouquet-garni and minced mud-minnow mousse. Also wild asparagus spears with goat butter, Babylonian/Brussels sprouts grilled with baby sparrows wrapped in a flaky papyrus phyllo, delta oyster and clam stuffing inside a turkey buzzard, and relish made from pharaoh berries and citron soaked in natron...(or was it the other way round??) ....and Amenhotep's favorite dish; "Franks in Frankincense"!!...

The main difference between their tradition and ours was that their feast was made for the next life and was displayed for the celebrants in a special case where the dinner was then mummified by holy priests and special ..um... "meal mummifiers". ...oh, and another difference... the lady of the house would actually wear the turkey on her head until it was time for burial!!! The Romans imitated much of what the Egyptians had started, which is probably the origin of what later became Turkey Tetrazzini....Festive, wasn't it?!? 

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