Sybil Bruncheon’s "Mythology Can Be Modern!": A typical day at the office... on Mt. Olympus!

A typical day at the office on Mt. Olympus... Here in this ancient mosaic, we see a portrayal of Pompos Majoricus, a minor demigod in the pantheon of divine mythology. Although he aspired to be as important as some of the more major figures like Zeus and Athena, he remained merely a third tier immortal among the other 400 or so gods, goddesses, nymphs, driads, naiads, satyrs, centaurs, pixies, and other assorted glommers and hangers-on. He is seen here in his branch office in a suburb of Thebes called V Towns (or as they call it on Long Island, Five Towns). On the left is Spamatina, his personal secretary with a list of local farmers and craftspersons who may have to be relocated or even reconfigured into other creatures depending on their manners and sexual performances with visiting gods from the main office. And on the right, we have Humanus Resoursos, who has brought what is left of a former employee who had lunch with the Furies, the Harpies, and the Gorgons.... and ended up becoming lunch! He was served with a delicious cheese sauce...hence the origin of "Gorgonzola"...

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Sybil Bruncheon's “Mythology Can Be Modern!”: The true story of the Nine Muses....

Many mythologists and historians have debated the origins and the stories of the Nine Muses. As a matter of fact Edith Hamilton and I had a long rivalry for the attentions of Tommy Bulfinch until we all woke up in a seedy motel room after a three-day drunken orgy with togas and laurel wreaths and a couple of fraternity boys and... well, you get the idea. Anyway, I shall now present my OWN theory on who and what the Nine Muses really were...

Starting from the upper left:

1) Floozalla - Patroness of Friendliness to strangers, especially during nude athletic contests, nude wine tastings, nude lyre competitions, and wars (nude or otherwise).

2) Gagto - Guardian and Encourager of Vomiters… and Vomitresses.

3) Spazto - Friend of extreme drunkeness and the merriment it causes. Her two attending nymphs are Convulsos and Yowlette.

4) Pixie-deelos - Sponsor of dance marathons often in tandem with Spazto (see above). Also curer of blisters and warder-off of splinters (though not successfully! Zeus has spoken to her about this!). 

5) Gastris - Securer of flatulence and soothsayer through "the secret language of farts". (Predictor of future events and able to tell what dinner was the night before.)

6) Lim-Reeka – Inspirer of naughty poems and songs usually about traveling olive oil salesmen and shepherd's daughters... or the actual sheep themselves; often performed in conjunction with other activities, perhaps in Athenian alleyways… or in cheap Spartan motels. (Watch for other Muses! They like poetry too!)

7) Itchra – Mother of athletic supporters and clean laundry.

8) Dragtathos – Agent for all Greek actors who prance around as women, and all Greek women who have facial hair like men… and personal manager of Nana Mouskouri.

9) Baklavada – Temptress of fine foods, rare wines, and imported delicacies, and continual tormentor and nagger of fat people.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Mythology In Our Time"... The Kraken...

Oh, Perseus, handsome and brave, we beseech thee to return once again from the Heavens! To surrender your dazzling constellation of twinkling stars in the first quadrant of the Northern night sky, and take up human form once more, if only for a brief time. Son of Zeus himself, hero of the great myths, rouse yourself from well-deservéd slumber and leave your lovely Andromeda and her mother, the vain and foolish Cassiopeia! Bridle once again your glorious Pegasus and take flight! Bring forth the monstrous and fatal head of Medusa, vile snake-headed Gorgon, whose terrible gaze can turn any and all to stone. Come, bold and clever champion, ride the skies, and destroy the Kraken that has infected and ruined our own time! Thrust Medusa's loathsome visage into the hideous, sneering, and yowling face of our own modern-day monster who we dared to invite against wiser counsel. We thank thee and offer our meagre, mortal gratitude which can never, ever be enough for your aid in our salvation. And when you have plunged the reeking filth that aspires to claim our souls back into the roiling sea or some fiery pit where it belongs, we will honor and bless you on your journey back home to the starry Heavens, to the arms of your beautiful Andromeda, and to the company of the Gods and fantastic beasts that whirl softly round and round in their mysterious sky-dance, as they have since the beginning of time itself... and will ever do so... even to the end.

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