Sybil Bruncheon's “Mythology Can Be Modern!”: The true story of the Nine Muses....

Many mythologists and historians have debated the origins and the stories of the Nine Muses. As a matter of fact Edith Hamilton and I had a long rivalry for the attentions of Tommy Bulfinch until we all woke up in a seedy motel room after a three-day drunken orgy with togas and laurel wreaths and a couple of fraternity boys and... well, you get the idea. Anyway, I shall now present my OWN theory on who and what the Nine Muses really were...

Starting from the upper left:

1) Floozalla - Patroness of Friendliness to strangers, especially during nude athletic contests, nude wine tastings, nude lyre competitions, and wars (nude or otherwise).

2) Gagto - Guardian and Encourager of Vomiters… and Vomitresses.

3) Spazto - Friend of extreme drunkeness and the merriment it causes. Her two attending nymphs are Convulsos and Yowlette.

4) Pixie-deelos - Sponsor of dance marathons often in tandem with Spazto (see above). Also curer of blisters and warder-off of splinters (though not successfully! Zeus has spoken to her about this!). 

5) Gastris - Securer of flatulence and soothsayer through "the secret language of farts". (Predictor of future events and able to tell what dinner was the night before.)

6) Lim-Reeka – Inspirer of naughty poems and songs usually about traveling olive oil salesmen and shepherd's daughters... or the actual sheep themselves; often performed in conjunction with other activities, perhaps in Athenian alleyways… or in cheap Spartan motels. (Watch for other Muses! They like poetry too!)

7) Itchra – Mother of athletic supporters and clean laundry.

8) Dragtathos – Agent for all Greek actors who prance around as women, and all Greek women who have facial hair like men… and personal manager of Nana Mouskouri.

9) Baklavada – Temptress of fine foods, rare wines, and imported delicacies, and continual tormentor and nagger of fat people.

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