Sybil Bruncheon's POST-Thanksgiving Update: ...Sneeden's Landing, NY.

By Saturday morning after Thanksgiving, Mr. Vic Burnbath was able to actually move some of his extremities although there was still a strange numbness in his fingers, probably from clutching the toilet bowl so desperately in his eighth hour of vomiting. Was it Aunt Gloria's "Clam, Oyster, and Reese's Pieces Stuffing"?.... or maybe Mrs. Edmun's "Mock Butternut Squash Soup" actually made with any orange things found in the cupboards and pantry?... or was it the fifty-seven helpings of leftovers that he continued to wedge into his aching jaws until Friday night at 11:45...? Whatever!.... He managed to wash up, put on a clean shirt and tie, and stagger out into the neighborhood Saturday morning where frightened neighbors pelted him with stale Parker House rolls and mince pies with Reddi-Wip topping...

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Sybil Bruncheon's THANKSGIVING DOs and DON'Ts... Oh, NO!!!!...

That special moment at Thanksgiving when your relatives all realize you only served the CANNED cranberry sauce!

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Thanksgiving Tales of Technology!"... 1878...

Boys and Girls (and I use those terms loosely!) did you know that when people were first inventing all the gadgets and appliances that we take for granted today, sometimes they were very different? Your cell phone which fits in your little hand was actually as big as a brick and weighed much more when it was first designed by a scientist many years ago. And your Daddy's laptop computer which is as thin as a magazine today was the size of a car 50 years ago and could only add 2 + 2... and it took three hours for it to come up with the right answer! Well, when your Mommy puts your turkey in the oven for Thanksgiving, she counts on the nice pop-up-timer that tells her when it's done! And once upon a time, the very smart men who invented that little pop-up-timer worked very hard for a very long time to come up with it. They drew pictures, and had meetings, and asked questions, and yelled at people, and even hit each other when they were drinking and had ladies over... but finally, they made the world's first pop-up-timer. Unfortunately, it was 11 stories high and weighed over 375 tons. None of that would matter, except that when it was put into the first turkey and the cooking time was finished, the timer actually chewed up and swallowed the turkey, the kitchen, and three of the scientists testing it in the lab. Frank Perdue's great grandfather said "Oh well, Progress is a cruel mistress!... and so is a moist, plump turkey!".

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Our Thanksgiving Heritage!... Pilgrims & Pageants in Perrysburg"...

Boys and Girls, some of the best things of the Holiday season are the school plays that young people produce for their parents and teachers in small towns all over our wonderful country. Over the years, I have been so pleased to see many of them; one of them remains permanently... um... etched into my mind. I was on a dinner theatre tour of THE INCREDIBLY LOVELY AND WITTY WOMAN WHO CAME TO DINNER (a rewritten play by an ex-boyfriend of mine and his gay pal!), and I happened to be in a charming little town named Perrysburg for Thanksgiving. The Mayor generously invited the entire cast both to his holiday dinner and the theatre afterwards at the local high school! The title of the play was OUR PILGRIM FOREFATHERS & THEIR FRIENDLY INDIAN RECEPTION IN THE NEW WORLD.

The audience settled into their seats, reading and ruffling their mimeographed programs with the loose staples but the Heavenly smell! (oops!... have I said something?!) And after some light chatter and hellos, the lights came down in the Wilbur & Orville Wright auditorium, and the overture began. Well, it wasn't quite an overture... more like rhythmic and fairly emphatic drumming and some flute-tooting and dried gourd shaking. Suddenly from both sides of the stage, several young men "dressed" as "Indians" came out dancing, whooping, and jumping about which soon became very feverish, and, if I may say so, very athletic. The lighting became very orange and flickered as if perhaps this tribal ceremony was being lit by a huge camp fire (very clever as we audience members nodded and whispered appreciatively!), and then the Indians began to wrestle each other and throw each other about. The actors began to perspire heavily, and really conveyed the earnestness of their commitment to the roles they had taken on. Round and round the Indians swirled, screeching and bellowing, and even charging audience members in the front rows and up and down the aisles. Ladies in the audience and gentlemen of sensitive natures pulled out hankies or kleenex tissues to fan themselves. This whole tumultuous scene continued on for about 30 minutes or so, building to a crashing, screeching, sweating, drumming, fluting, gourding crescendo!!... and then... BLACKOUT!

The florescent auditorium lights came up, and the entire cast of young men strode out on stage for a curtain call. They bowed, smiling to the polite, friendly, but somewhat bewildered applause. And they were given 2 1/2 curtain calls, before the curtain finally came down. The Mayor and his wife, along with the Town Council members were very proud of the pageant and were eager to hear our "Big City" opinions of their local artistry. We, of course, were generous in our praise and even went backstage to shake hands with the cast. Then it was off to after-theatre drinks and a light dessert before we returned to The Commodore Perry Hotel.

I shall never forget how we cast members gathered in the morning to chat over breakfast... and the questions! Where were the Pilgrims? At what point was the "the friendly reception" or indeed any evidence of "the new world"? Was the tribe that first met the Pilgrims completely devoid of any female members?... or had they died in some terrible catastrophe? Our stage manager asked where was the scenery? There hadn't been a teepee, a wigwam, a birch bark canoe, or even a birch tree. And Mrs. Carruthers, our wardrobe lady, mentioned that she never saw a moccasin, a headdress, or even a single feather... "Not even war paint!!"... and we all had to agree!

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Sybil Bruncheon’s 30 Days of Thanksgiving: LAW & ORDER... The Thanksgiving Episodes!...

Well, it’s happened again, and I’m so honored! The LAW & ORDER producers have acknowledged my contribution to all the various franchises of the series and the fact that I have appeared more than any other actress in their opening dead-body sequences for their Thanksgiving episodes. Among them are the following:

1) Macy’s fine lingerie buyer found stuffed into the giant “Tom The Turkey” float on Thanksgiving morning during the parade set-up. She had been strangled with a pair of footie-jammies with Scooby Doo on them.

2) Starbucks barista in elf costume found face down in a vat of pumpkin-spice-mint-choclate-nutmeg-cinnamon-holly-pine-needle-mistletoe decaf cappuccino… with red, white, and green sprinkles… but no whipped cream!... an important clue in the final scene.

3) Lady pilgrim in the Radio City Rockettes tribute to the Mayflower. As the full scale facsimile of the good ship sailed onstage in Act II to the Rockettes dancing to “Over The River And Through The Woods”, I could be clearly seen being keelhauled underneath the prow… the entire theatre descended into a 1000 children shrieking in terror as we cut to the first commercial.

4) Notorious pole-dancer painted and hung as a candy-cane in the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree and discovered on live television in front of millions of viewers by Al Roker as he goofs around with Hota Kotb over spiked cider and puns about “his North Pole”.

5) Prominent New York brain surgeon found in the Teuscher Chocolate window display as one of eight reindeer dragging Santa’s sleigh. I had been killed by having antlers driven into each of my temples… and then sprinkled with glitter… and draped with garlands

6) High-society dame discovered face-down inside the wedding rings case in Tiffany’s, stabbed to death with a silver-plate letter opener from Zales…

7) Carvel Ice Cream Store owner found dead in her frozen dairy case having been smothered with three Pudgy The Punkin’ cakes shoved down her throat and into her nose. Her eyes and teeth had been replaced with raisins.

8) Pleasant house wife from Sunnyside, "belovéd by everybody", found brined beyond recognition and full of Stove Top stuffing and celery... unchopped! And you know what that means!

I can’t begin to tell you how proud and humbled I am by my career as a corpse in such a record-breaking and respected television serious. The Screen Actors Guild has now proposed having my hand and footprints put into a large tray of sweet potato casserole out in front of Sardi’s during their Thanksgiving dinner special… BOTH seatings! ($89.00 per guest. Reservations recommended)

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Sybil Bruncheon's MORE THAN THEY SEEM STORIES... “Thanksgiving For Two!"...

For a change, Ginny decided to make an intimate little Thanksgiving dinner for just Herbie and herself.. No in-laws smirking or sniping and adding their two cents about the stuffing, the pies, the cranberry sauce. Ginny was exhausted by Herbie’s entire family; not just his idiot-parents, but all the cousins, aunts, uncles, and hanger-on friends that trailed along for every Holiday, every barbecue, every vacation… and then, that one Thanksgiving, she realized she was just as tired of Herbie. So she began putting a little extra “pepper” from the “special” pepper-mill on his dishes… and by Christmas, well... everything was solved. And Herbie ended up so very much like the poor little corn plant that Ginny kept by her hutch in the kitchen…

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Sybil Bruncheon's "THANKSGIVING Headlines From Yesteryear!"...

... Here is an actual photograph of the moment in the Macy's Parade when a gigantic creature broke free from its handlers and began eating the crowd. Despite the privations of the Stock Market Crash and the Great Depression, Macy's succumbed to public pressure and replaced living beasts like this one with more reliable balloon facsimiles....although the element of excitement and potential danger was sorely missed by parade-purists... especially children who seemed to like the idea of seeing their fellow classmates torn to pieces by huge monstrous cartoon characters. The use of hydrogen DID create some possibilities for mishaps especially with cigar-smoking pixies and Santa’s elves lurking about in doorways and public restrooms, but within a few years, helium had eliminated that as well, and the parade slumped off to a forlorn ritual of honking brass bands, drunken and vomiting clowns, and prancing muffins... that might try to pinch your bottom…

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Sybil Bruncheon's "A Whole Month Of Thanksgiving!"... Thanksgiving Under Fire!

Breaking News from the CNN News Desk!!... Anthropologists and Holiday Historians are now convinced that as emotions and anti-social behavior are heightened in the USA after four years of the Trump administration, the effect will be felt in the way our Holidays are observed... and practiced!! Forecasters are concerned that by 2024, various changes will have occurred and may be irreversible... with a commensurate loss of life... and an even greater loss of "Holiday cheer". On a side note, there has been a dramatic uptick in the purchasing of firearms among vegans. Details at 6. Miniature marshmallows at 11.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "A Whole Month Of Thanksgiving!"... SOAK IT!

... Ladies, (and I use that term loosely)... are you concerned with serving a plump, moist, and flavorful turkey on Thanksgiving? It's NOT enough for your bird to be any ONE of those enviable qualities, or even TWO! Plump and moist but without a rich, complex flavor is no victory, and let's be honest, shall we? How many of us have waded through the Thanksgiving holiday choking down dry, scrawny, and bland turkey accompanied by endless anecdotes about Uncle Ned's new aluminum siding, or Cousin Nellie's beet-root preserves that exploded in the basement? No wonder so many people dread this holiday and everything that goes with it. Has any poultry ever been so maligned and so experimented on in cooking, sautéing, roasting, barbecuing, micro-waving, and even deep-frying in backyard oil vats! So!... whatever you might do to your turkey, be cautious!... Especially when "brining". So many people are now soaking their birds in a wide and often weird variety of solutions of salt, sugar, seasonings, soda pops, sauces, condiments, liquors, home remedies from the medicine cabinet… and even household cleaning products and fragrances from various perfume counters of questionable repute. 33 children at an orphanage were seriously poisoned by a donated turkey dinner that tasted of Prince Matchabelli’s “Wind Song”, Paco Rabanne, and Mr. Clean. (The perpetrator was never caught.)

Reports of violence and even carnage have been on the increase to neighborhood police precincts, fire stations, and hazmat teams. No one is safe! Your kitchen and Thanksgiving traditions may be quite normal and full of cheerful, family heritage, but what about the Fergusons next door? Has something gone terribly wrong in their refrigerator, their cooler, their bath tub, their vegetable crisper? Is something forcing its way out of a 350°F oven, smoking and groaning and lumbering from Mrs. Bailey's kitchen through their backyard and up your driveway?... closer! Closer!! Be watchful this season!... Be watchful, aware, and even frightened if necessary... before you give any "thanks". There! Is that a scratching at your screen door???....

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CHRISTMAS MUSIC: Guilty Pleasures & Dirty Confessions… Goulet Goulash..

I know it's very tacky, but I start listening to the Music Choice "Sounds of the Seasons" channel on cable during Thanksgiving week.... As silly as it is to many people, I sometimes just enjoy the simple pleasure of Christmas carols to ease my mind and lower my stress.

Having said that and admitting my “Guilty Pleasure”, I now must add my “Dirty Confession” that I despise some of their Christmas offerings…. Like Robert Goulet’s “This Christmas I Spend With You”…. If ever, EVER there was a song that embodies everything that folks parody about Goulet, it’s this one. He chews and gaaa-rowls and schmoo-OOOZES his way through each and every note. There’s nothing off-hand or thrown away about a single flat or sharp!!…. Even his rests are loaded with unctuousness. Listening to it is like being bathed in hot fudge sauce, which would be terrific, except when someone holds your head under a cascading faucet of it, and your last thought is, “Dear God, I’m going to drown in hot fudge! I can't breathe and .....it hurts! Oh GOD, IT HURTS!!!!....HOT FUDGE HURR… ….GGGGGRRRRRGGGGLLLLLLLJJJJRZZZFGULJHGldhehhjj…..”

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