*Tour-ette on chasing the mid-Winter blues away! 1/17/2024

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Sybil Bruncheon's Holiday Hollywood Hilarity!

"So then, Santa crept down my chimney, and tiptoed into my bedroom, and brought me all sorts of nice presents and stuff... I was 22 at the time! Is that what you'd like to do too, Mr. Fabian? Tip toe around my chimney and bring me stuff?"...

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Sybil Bruncheon's POST-Thanksgiving Update: ...Sneeden's Landing, NY.

By Saturday morning after Thanksgiving, Mr. Vic Burnbath was able to actually move some of his extremities although there was still a strange numbness in his fingers, probably from clutching the toilet bowl so desperately in his eighth hour of vomiting. Was it Aunt Gloria's "Clam, Oyster, and Reese's Pieces Stuffing"?.... or maybe Mrs. Edmun's "Mock Butternut Squash Soup" actually made with any orange things found in the cupboards and pantry?... or was it the fifty-seven helpings of leftovers that he continued to wedge into his aching jaws until Friday night at 11:45...? Whatever!.... He managed to wash up, put on a clean shirt and tie, and stagger out into the neighborhood Saturday morning where frightened neighbors pelted him with stale Parker House rolls and mince pies with Reddi-Wip topping...

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Sybil Bruncheon's THANKSGIVING BULLETINS FROM OUT AND ABOUT:

Karen was one of those nice single ladies with no family so she always made Thanksgiving dinner for her friends, neighbors, and coworkers who didn't have any place to go! She called them all her "Turkey-Day Orphans", and they appreciated her so! ... then one year, she decided that it might be more fun to serve an all-liquid menu. An assortment of broths, consommés, gravies, and the booze that would compliment each course.... unfortunately, when the guests arrived at 1 in the afternoon, they found her unconscious under the dining table in nothing more than a pair of turkey-feather pasties, lipstick way outside her lip line, and a souvenir apron from Provincetown with a map of Cape Cod pointing suggestively to her ...um... "lady place"...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Thanksgiving Tales of Technology!"... 1878...

Boys and Girls (and I use those terms loosely!) did you know that when people were first inventing all the gadgets and appliances that we take for granted today, sometimes they were very different? Your cell phone which fits in your little hand was actually as big as a brick and weighed much more when it was first designed by a scientist many years ago. And your Daddy's laptop computer which is as thin as a magazine today was the size of a car 50 years ago and could only add 2 + 2... and it took three hours for it to come up with the right answer! Well, when your Mommy puts your turkey in the oven for Thanksgiving, she counts on the nice pop-up-timer that tells her when it's done! And once upon a time, the very smart men who invented that little pop-up-timer worked very hard for a very long time to come up with it. They drew pictures, and had meetings, and asked questions, and yelled at people, and even hit each other when they were drinking and had ladies over... but finally, they made the world's first pop-up-timer. Unfortunately, it was 11 stories high and weighed over 375 tons. None of that would matter, except that when it was put into the first turkey and the cooking time was finished, the timer actually chewed up and swallowed the turkey, the kitchen, and three of the scientists testing it in the lab. Frank Perdue's great grandfather said "Oh well, Progress is a cruel mistress!... and so is a moist, plump turkey!".

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Sybil Bruncheon's "CHRISTMASES PAST"... precocious children and bothersome adults.

...known for being little geniuses by the M.I.T. community, Bartholomew Crichton at 8 years of age and Enid Crichton at 5 had turned their talents to inventing a fully automated "Santa Robot" to be used in department stores. At the unveiling, the children demonstrated that their machine could perform 46 different amazing tasks, including sitting, standing, walking, climbing both up and down, slinging a 60lb bag of toys on its shoulder, putting the bag back down, unloading each toy individually, handing them gently to the assistants and delighted onlookers, offering his lap to visitors and asking them what they would like for Christmas, and eating cookies. It was after the triumphant exhibition, much later in the night, that a surly janitor decided to give the robot-Santa a cup of hot cocoa from his thermos. In the morning, the authorities found the janitor scattered over ten miles of wooded countryside leading to the orphanage where "Santa" was discovered napping in a manger under the Christmas tree. He was wearing only a diaper made from a bedspread, and had fashioned a halo for himself out of a garbage can lid. The incident was regarded as a miracle by both the scientific and department store communities. International bidding for "The Crichton Santa" was immediate and feverish with competition from the Bergdorf, Bloomingdale, Saks, and Strauss families, from both Tiffany and Cartier, and from the Vatican as well. It was the Smithsonian Institute that finally won, eventually putting the new acquisition next to the Hope Diamond. Enid and Bartholomew went on to work extensively in the new fields of astrophysics and string theory. Mr. Hiram Gallet, the janitor (in pieces!), was gathered up by police personnel, and his body was donated to the Museum of Natural History to be mummified and used in a diorama about cannibals in New Guinea. He had no family or relations. 

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Sybil Bruncheon's "A Whole Month Of Thanksgiving!"... Abundance??

Abundance, even in a time of want! Friends, did you know that during the Great Depression of the 1930s so many American families were facing insecurity, and even hunger and homelessness? All across the wide country, fathers tried to hold on to their jobs while mothers struggled to stretch a dollar as far as it would go... even to maintaining a staff of servants who could keep the house clean, the gardens tended, the laundry washed and ironed, and the meals cooked and presented properly! If there was any corner to be cut, it might be in substituting different dietary choices for traditional ones. It wasn't spoken of widely, but, instead of an expensive turkey from the trusty butcher for Thanksgiving, Mother might substitute a family pet. And you know, it wasn't always so stressful or heartbreaking either... especially if it was a neighbor’s dog from down the street.

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Sybil Bruncheon’s 30 Days of Thanksgiving: LAW & ORDER... The Thanksgiving Episodes!...

Well, it’s happened again, and I’m so honored! The LAW & ORDER producers have acknowledged my contribution to all the various franchises of the series and the fact that I have appeared more than any other actress in their opening dead-body sequences for their Thanksgiving episodes. Among them are the following:

1) Macy’s fine lingerie buyer found stuffed into the giant “Tom The Turkey” float on Thanksgiving morning during the parade set-up. She had been strangled with a pair of footie-jammies with Scooby Doo on them.

2) Starbucks barista in elf costume found face down in a vat of pumpkin-spice-mint-choclate-nutmeg-cinnamon-holly-pine-needle-mistletoe decaf cappuccino… with red, white, and green sprinkles… but no whipped cream!... an important clue in the final scene.

3) Lady pilgrim in the Radio City Rockettes tribute to the Mayflower. As the full scale facsimile of the good ship sailed onstage in Act II to the Rockettes dancing to “Over The River And Through The Woods”, I could be clearly seen being keelhauled underneath the prow… the entire theatre descended into a 1000 children shrieking in terror as we cut to the first commercial.

4) Notorious pole-dancer painted and hung as a candy-cane in the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree and discovered on live television in front of millions of viewers by Al Roker as he goofs around with Hota Kotb over spiked cider and puns about “his North Pole”.

5) Prominent New York brain surgeon found in the Teuscher Chocolate window display as one of eight reindeer dragging Santa’s sleigh. I had been killed by having antlers driven into each of my temples… and then sprinkled with glitter… and draped with garlands

6) High-society dame discovered face-down inside the wedding rings case in Tiffany’s, stabbed to death with a silver-plate letter opener from Zales…

7) Carvel Ice Cream Store owner found dead in her frozen dairy case having been smothered with three Pudgy The Punkin’ cakes shoved down her throat and into her nose. Her eyes and teeth had been replaced with raisins.

8) Pleasant house wife from Sunnyside, "belovéd by everybody", found brined beyond recognition and full of Stove Top stuffing and celery... unchopped! And you know what that means!

I can’t begin to tell you how proud and humbled I am by my career as a corpse in such a record-breaking and respected television serious. The Screen Actors Guild has now proposed having my hand and footprints put into a large tray of sweet potato casserole out in front of Sardi’s during their Thanksgiving dinner special… BOTH seatings! ($89.00 per guest. Reservations recommended)

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Sybil Bruncheon's MORE THAN THEY SEEM STORIES... “The Gifting Season!… 1954”…

Harriet Garamonde had always loved Christmas! All of Christmas! Its traditions, decorations, music, food! The sights and sounds and smells… everything! The stories of the Baby Jesus, Mary and Joseph, the stable, the villagers and the Angel, the Three Wise Men. She adored the Christmas tree. Lit in the night with glorious ornaments covering it, and the possibility of a heavy snow falling on Christmas Eve itself. And she was consumed by the mystery and wonder of a character like Santa Claus coming into chldren’s homes in the middle of the night as well… the excitement and almost-danger. Had she been a good girl… or bad?

So, as a grown woman, now highly successful and glamorous in New York City with her thrilling fashion career, she tried to keep all that Christmas magic alive. She had never gotten around to having children herself nor even married. But that didn’t stop her in the middle of the night from breaking into apartments in her building and sneaking as many toys and presents as she could out through the windows and down the fire escapes! She DID finally decide that her Balenciaga vicuña coat with the sable collar was totally impractical and that she should just wear an all black leotard and sweatshirt… like she did in the French underground… as an assassin.

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Sybil Bruncheon's MORE THAN THEY SEEM STORIES... “Thanksgiving For Two!"...

For a change, Ginny decided to make an intimate little Thanksgiving dinner for just Herbie and herself.. No in-laws smirking or sniping and adding their two cents about the stuffing, the pies, the cranberry sauce. Ginny was exhausted by Herbie’s entire family; not just his idiot-parents, but all the cousins, aunts, uncles, and hanger-on friends that trailed along for every Holiday, every barbecue, every vacation… and then, that one Thanksgiving, she realized she was just as tired of Herbie. So she began putting a little extra “pepper” from the “special” pepper-mill on his dishes… and by Christmas, well... everything was solved. And Herbie ended up so very much like the poor little corn plant that Ginny kept by her hutch in the kitchen…

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