Sybil Bruncheon's "Biographies in Brief!... Uncle Fuzzy…

Mr. Herbert Limpkin had the distinction at eight years of age of being the only person ever bitten by one of the cute little bunnies at the Oakleyville Presbyterian Petting Zoo… and during their Springtime “Let’s Meet Our Animal Friends Festival”. Imagine how little Herbie must have felt with his pudgy little hand throbbing and bleeding as he looked down at the hissing white bunny with the red eyes!... and there on the office wall of the zoo’s nurse, a poster of the Blesséd Savior in his heavenly white robe, surrounded by little animals and children, extending his crucified palms… and all of them smiling; Jesus, animals, children smiling right at Herbie as he begged Nurse Charmondely NOT to put in the three stitches! Of course she did, and gave him a tetanus shot as well, which hurt like Hell!...

…which also gave him his infernal idea… the idea he employed as an adult when he decided to be the Easter Bunny at the Halloween Holidays-in-Hell Barn in Akron, Ohio. High School and college kids from miles around came to the fabulously scary installation which ran from October 1st through Halloween night itself, ending in a massive costume party and dance and a contest with prizes! Interestingly, no one seemed to notice as the October days went by that Mr. Limpkin was getting weirder and more withdrawn from his fellow “ghouls” and “goblins” during their lunch and dinner breaks in the cafeteria. Authorities found out later that he spent hours every night after work “enhancing” his Easter Bunny costume with finger nails made from actual nails… and teeth made from sharpened bathroom tiles. Scarier and scarier… and finally quite horrifying according to the two managers and the director of the facility, shortly before Herbie brought the ax… and used it. Later, during his seven consecutive life-sentences, he created the Uncle Fuzzy Junior Jammies Company employing his sewing skills, making cozy pajamas for children… and Uncle Fuzzy’s company slogan??... “Sweet Dreams Are Our Business!”…

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Biographies in Brief!... Madame Zeezette"...

...Mrs. Agnes Gladstein, widowed at 50-some years or so, was forced to find work since her ne'er-do-well husband, Carl, had gambled his assistant plumber's salary away at the races. Agnes tried everything from substitute teaching 3rd graders (she hated children) to grocery store cashier (she couldn't count change) to ballroom dance instructor (no sense of rhythm… and corns). Finally, after seeing a Red Skelton/Lucille Ball screwball mystery/comedy (8 times!), she decided to adopt the name Madame Zeezette and tell fortunes in various luncheonettes up and down Third Avenue.

Amazingly, she caught on, especially among the window-shopping housewife crowd (usually in twos and threes) and the two-martini businessman crowd (also in twos and threes). Her shockingly accurate predictions while reading palms and dealing tarot cards became all the rage. She even threw in a free Phrenology consultation… FREE! She was famous for pinning down stock splits to the week and unexpected pregnancies to the day! Car accidents, house fires, food poisonings, burglaries, even projectile vomiting during golf tournaments... and comet-strikes. She could predict it all and was paid handsomely for it. Ironically, The Mysterious Madame Zeezette didn't foresee the end of Bakelite jewelry and little luncheon hats even as the 1950s were drawing to a close... but then, when you're a luncheonette fortune teller, no one expects you to be a fashion-plate.

(photo by Norman Lerner 1957)

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