Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmases That Mostly WEREN'T!"... some friendly advice...

Katey couldn’t believe Santa actually came up to her at the Fun Park Toy Fair… She had sat on his lap earlier and told him what she wanted for Christmas, and he had listened carefully and took some notes! And here he was again, smiling, laughing, and smelling like some kind of medicine… the kind that made Grampa laugh a lot during football games.

Santa said he was getting Katey the car she asked for, and that he was also giving her a bottle of his funny-medicine. He snuck it to her from under his red suit… and he told her it was okay to drink and drive. There wasn’t any such thing as a five-year-old policemen…

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmases That Mostly WEREN'T!"... It's the THOUGHT that counts!

Gift giving time is always so lovely... especially with someone very special. At least that's what Ken and Cindy thought on their first Christmas together. They'd only been dating for a few months, but they both splurged a little more than they expected on their gifts.

They met at Cindy's place before going out to Spinelli's for a festive little Holiday dinner... They kissed under the mistletoe in front of the fire, and then exchanged their presents. Ken's was wrapped perfectly with a cheerful little bow and the tag addressed to his "Sweet Cindy"...

...and Cindy's had a tag on it "To My Hot Man-Stud, Biff!"... uh, oh...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Hysterical Histories"... Epiphany"...

… also known as Three Kings Day...or The Twelfth Day of Christmas... an alternative history...

Yes, boys and girls, we all know the nice story of how the three wise men (or kings, as some people called them) came to Bethlehem to see the Holy family and the newborn baby in the manger. And even though Jesus was born in a stable with barnyard animals everywhere and bad smells, the three royal visitors brought very valuable gifts to him, (although we never DO actually find out what happened to those gifts later or if they were cashed in for money to help the family out or at least contribute to Jesus going to a good school in a better neighborhood!).

At any rate, over the years, there have been rumors that Melchior, Balthazar, and Caspar might NOT have been the first (or only) three wise men to reach Mary, Joseph, and the blesséd savior on that special night. Here is one of the other possibilities now being suggested by both archaeologists and scriptural scholars.

The three "wise men" were actually called The Three Friskiccinos, a troop of former college pals who majored in beer, babes, and bocci balling at Babylonia U. After they graduated with degrees in macramé tent and brassiere making, they decided to tour the Middle East, and stumbled on the stable in Bethlehem when they needed a wall to relieve themselves behind. Hearing a bunch of animals making barnyard sounds and an annoying little boy banging on a drum, they peeked into a window and saw "the Nativity" scene. As inebriated as they were, they still recognized that something special was happening, and they felt compelled to help out in any way they could. They searched through their luggage for some sort of contributions they might make... and this was the result: from left, they were...

1) Anwar "Hardee Har Har" Gummswalloo who gave a bunch of Sumerian nudey-post cards, "that the little boy would grow up to appreciate hot babes, especially during Spring break on the Dead Sea!",
2) Joralemon "Bunko-Boy" Carobbash, who donated his little black book that "the kid will have a head start on his nursery school classmates when it comes to cool hangouts and the ladies that work there", and
3) Mr. Nancy Hottie-Hotep, popular drag performer from Alexandria who donated three of her bath robes, a 10’ feather boa, a pair of open-toed sandals, and a brand new lip stick "in case your boy grows up to like show-business and perform in front of large crowds!"... apparently, all the gifts were graciously received by the new parents.

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Sybil Bruncheon's Holiday Reading Sizzlers!...

Hey, Folks! It's Holiday time, and everyone's asking Santa for some nice new books for the New Year! Are YOU???

...well, Mummie found some reading suggestions for you from a place called Porny Place Publishers, and they're exactly the kind of books that will get you noticed at the next meeting at your book club!... maybe even by that Amway heiress from Omaha... or a European count from a postage-stamp principality!... Yay!!!

Here you go!... "Homosexual Train"… is followed by "Gender Reassigned Tramp Steamer", "I'm Bi On My Tricycle", "Daughters of Lesbos 18-Wheeler", “Tranny Trolley”, “Homo Hobo Highway”, and "Queer Studebaker"... the final books in the series are... "I Became A Eunuch On A Unicycle"... "Wimp Wagon Weenies"… and "Man-Lady On Roller Blades!"…

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “Christmases Past… Mr. Potter and the Orphanage"...

Mrs. Charmondeley, the Matroness-In-Charge of the Benevolent Society of the Woeful Foundling Orphanage greeted the children as they came downstairs to sing their holy songs and to then each receive their biscuit with a nice raisin in the middle of it. The children were expected to curtsy politely to Mr. Potter the orphanage's patron, to thank him for the generous portion of corn and bean chowder they had for their Holiday banquet, and then to return to their iron beds in the attic!....

… (interestingly, Santa arrived just after midnight and discussed plans with all the children about his plans for the brakes in Mr. Potter's limousine to go out as he and Mrs. Charmondeley were driving back from the Rainbow Room! There was a cliff near the Palisades that would work perfectly well.)...

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “Christmas Bulletins From Around The World!… the Complaint Department”...

"Yes, Debbie, this is the Compl--- uh--- the Post-Holiday Gift Review Department! How Can I help you?... uh huh... uh huh... um... yes, well--- oh, you DID look all around the whole tree--- ok, but I need to---- uh huh... well, Debbie, your Naughty-or-Nice file is right here in front of me... yes, I HAVE looked it over... well, you happen to have a perfect score! Yes, PERFECT. You are ranked as a perfect, Class A, 4 Star little bitch!... yes, we DO know you're only 8.... Hello?.... Hello?.....HELLOOO???? ...

… ok, Miss Ferguson?… connect me to our coal department. We need a truck to go to Miss Debbie Gregel's house in Perrysburg, Ohio... asap!"...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "CHRISTMASES PAST"... Meyer Flotzam.

...it had all started out so happily... that Christmas of 1951, for Meyer Flotzam, a clever and quickly promoted product-developer at the Gillette Shaving Corporation. For the Christmas gift-giving season, he created his "All-Mechanized & Fully-Automatic Beard 'n' Mustache Trimmer!".... (the merchandising department was going to work on the name!). Meyer had done over 500 perfectly executed and finely tuned trials of the machine in front of technicians, coffee-break claques, boardroom executives, and large convention audiences with not one slip... But then, just as he was showing it to the Wauseon Ladies Republican Club for Harriet Gillette and her luncheon pals, he was called to the phone by her maid. Without thinking, he turned to pick up the receiver...and.... well... it had been such a fine nose too... and so aristocratic.....

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Sybil Bruncheon’s CHRISTMAS MEMORIES: Papier-mâché Santa Booties!

....So sweet!!!.... I remember getting these from my grandmother filled with candy..... Sadly, there was one particular Winter where things had gotten quite tough financially for my family, and we actually had to wear our papier-mâché booties out into the snowdrifts. Some local children started to make fun of me, and I turned on them in my newspaper-coat with the Life Magazine-lapels, and scornfully told them that my wardrobe was the latest fashion from Maison Dis-Posette and that these were French couture shoes from the "Vicomte Papier Mâché Chaussures Pour Le Fabuleux"!!.... They were all non-plussed, and one of them began to cry a little. Even though I had won, I still decided to slap them around a little.. just to make sure the "lesson took".... and… well, I may have stolen some of their lunch money too...or a Mickey Mouse watch. I can't remember...(I was twenty-three or so…)

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Sybil Bruncheon’s "CHRISTMASES PAST!"... the chemistry set...

....and it was then that Santa realized that a chemistry set for Billy had been a bad idea!!.... who would have thought that an 8-year-old would figure out how to make chloroform??....

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Sybil Bruncheon's LAW & ORDER CHRISTMAS MARATHON!!!...

I have received special recognition by the Law & Order franchises!.... it seems that I have appeared as a dead body in more Holiday episodes’ opening credits than any other actress! They are as follows;

1) "aged ballerina dressed as Suzy Snowflake… melted by blowtorch",

2) "department-store Mrs. Santa Claus sliced neatly into 36 pieces by runaway sleigh",

3) "candy counter lady dipped in very expensive chocolate ganache and boxed as a giant truffle",

4) "Salvation Army volunteer stewed in her kettle with bell....and loose change",

5) "naked ex-pinup girl bent into candy-cane shape… and painted with red and white stripes",

6) "temporary saleslady at luxury candle shop turned into lavender scented wax dummy of Joan Of Arc ....and burned",

7) "professional gift wrapping manageress origamied into an 8x11 legal envelope…with a Burl Ives postage stamp",

8) "sober socialite at AA mixer water-boarded in giant punch bowl of alcohol-free egg nog… cinnamon sticks found in nose",

9) "customer in Bergdorf's fine shoe department trampled by hooves of eight tiny reindeer",

10) "homeless woman found frozen to death inside an orphanage Frosty-The-Snowman... near the swing-set",

11) "wealthy dowager stuffed up chimney in Park Avenue triplex on Christmas Eve and found later in the Spring",

12) "mother of Amahl raped and murdered by three deranged night visitors…in drag!... and smelling of patchouli… and nutmeg!",

13) "television baking chef made into huge gingerbread lady in front of millions of viewers ..with strategically placed raisins"

Chris Meloni sent me a special fruitcake that I'm sure will make a great door stop! (He even autographed it in frosting.... at least, I think it was… frosting....)

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