Sybil Bruncheon's "Hysterical Histories"... Epiphany"...

… also known as Three Kings Day...or The Twelfth Day of Christmas... an alternative history...

Yes, boys and girls, we all know the nice story of how the three wise men (or kings, as some people called them) came to Bethlehem to see the Holy family and the newborn baby in the manger. And even though Jesus was born in a stable with barnyard animals everywhere and bad smells, the three royal visitors brought very valuable gifts to him, (although we never DO actually find out what happened to those gifts later or if they were cashed in for money to help the family out or at least contribute to Jesus going to a good school in a better neighborhood!).

At any rate, over the years, there have been rumors that Melchior, Balthazar, and Caspar might NOT have been the first (or only) three wise men to reach Mary, Joseph, and the blesséd savior on that special night. Here is one of the other possibilities now being suggested by both archaeologists and scriptural scholars.

The three "wise men" were actually called The Three Friskiccinos, a troop of former college pals who majored in beer, babes, and bocci balling at Babylonia U. After they graduated with degrees in macramé tent and brassiere making, they decided to tour the Middle East, and stumbled on the stable in Bethlehem when they needed a wall to relieve themselves behind. Hearing a bunch of animals making barnyard sounds and an annoying little boy banging on a drum, they peeked into a window and saw "the Nativity" scene. As inebriated as they were, they still recognized that something special was happening, and they felt compelled to help out in any way they could. They searched through their luggage for some sort of contributions they might make... and this was the result: from left, they were...

1) Anwar "Hardee Har Har" Gummswalloo who gave a bunch of Sumerian nudey-post cards, "that the little boy would grow up to appreciate hot babes, especially during Spring break on the Dead Sea!",
2) Joralemon "Bunko-Boy" Carobbash, who donated his little black book that "the kid will have a head start on his nursery school classmates when it comes to cool hangouts and the ladies that work there", and
3) Mr. Nancy Hottie-Hotep, popular drag performer from Alexandria who donated three of her bath robes, a 10’ feather boa, a pair of open-toed sandals, and a brand new lip stick "in case your boy grows up to like show-business and perform in front of large crowds!"... apparently, all the gifts were graciously received by the new parents.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmas Kitties Chaos in the Crèche!"... #10:

Spencer was always the jokester... with just a touch of malice, he loved making other kitties on the block laugh and laugh! Like the time he hid in the stupid stick-house the humans had set up in his front yard. He always managed to sneak up on folks and scare the crap out of them! One night, he decided to purr really loudly and make the parent-statues think their baby's motor was running. LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmas Kitties Chaos in the Crèche!"... #9:

Lumpy Throckmorten was fat... no, really! REALLY FAT. He preferred synonyms, like "ample", "robust", "successful", "prosperous", and from lady friends and humans (again, of the female gender) "cuddly", "scrumptious", and "quite a handful", whatever the Hell THAT meant! At any rate, he was a demanding diner in his household and kept his human staff on their toes not only for the quantity of food that was required but also for the luxurious selection and variety of delicacies to keep him from his "hangry" rampages against fine collectibles, cashmere sweaters, state-of-the-art electronics, and expensive shoes (where he might hide a newly voided "surprise" during the night!) Sadly, Lumpy's weight continued to climb and climb, and on last Christmas, it finally hit 48 lbs. In addition to some angina and being frequently out of breath, even while napping and dreaming about Canadian bacon blintzes, he could barely groom himself without the help of his humans and their skill with special brushes and a blow-dryer.

It all came to a head on January 6th, when Lumpy ate an entire fruit cake with no regard for the fact that, like most human fruit cake, it had been re-gifted from one relative to another for several years. In addition to that, Lumpy had chewed and eaten both Caspar and Melchior upon their arrival at the blesséd stable and was about to start on Balthazar and the Holy Infant himself... in front of his horrified parents and various shepherds, candlemakers, tent-makers... whatever... Lumpy was rushed to the vet and into a private room in the Gentle-Touch Four-Legged 'Firmary where his stomach was pumped, his colon was cleansed, and where, later in the week, he was given a gastric bypass. His picture and story were in all the Veterinary Journals around New England... and in the centerfold of Highlights Magazine. You might have seen him at your dentist's office while you were in the waiting room!...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmas Kitties Chaos in the Crèche!"... #8:

Meyer Sulkerston was no different than any other house cat in Fibber Falls, Iowa. During most of the year, Meyer and his pals around the neighborhood were fussed over by their individual human staffs... and the performances of their requisite duties were compared and either praised or panned by the feline members of the exclusive la Boîte RonRonner! Cigars of fine catnip, expensive vintage brandies, imported sardines, and filthy jokes about pussy were the order of the day and night at their soirées. But at Holiday time, all of the cats gave their human servants a rest for the few weeks before and during something called Christmas. Instead of having to sit quietly and attentively and admire the cat-of-the-house for hours on end, the humans were permitted to set up small dioramas of worshipful human statues in various exotic but ultimately unimportant tableaux. Their odd costumes, poses, and even their props and the figures of other species were completely secondary to the devoted expressions on their faces! Of course, there was still the problem of the statues neither petting nor feeding their employers, but this certainly was a start; they didn't get restless, wander about making stupid conversation, or step on one's paws. And, after all, the real humans would begin their full-time duties again and with added vigor some time in the first week or so of January when the statue-humans were wrapped up in old newspapers and thrown into a cardboard box in the attic which also made a nice kitty-bed when one chose...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmas Kitties Chaos in the Crèche!"... #7:

Manxy had just seen GODZILLA on the Saturday night monster movie show on TV. His humans always got such a kick out of how he would watch the screen so intently, his tail twitching this way and that, and then thumping the table so hard when the movie would get exciting... and even scary. Manxy especially liked it when people would scream and run in monster movies and he told his friends around the neighborhood about it. They all agreed; humans being scared of monsters was infinitely entertaining. They all would laugh when cars or trains would crash off cliffs, and they all compared notes on what they had knocked off counters, dressing tables, and mantlepieces during the week. One night, Manxy saw a movie about Jack the Ripper... or was it about a lady with an ax?... whatever. But it gave him ideas. He couldn't wait to tell the gang!

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmas Kitties Chaos in the Crèche!"... #6:

Fred Fur-Guson made life very simple and clear for his humans. Meals were to be served in a timely manner... in the proper (and GENEROUS!) portions, and, it goes without saying, always delicious! His litter was to be immaculate, he was to be petted and fussed over hourly, and his fresh-kills were to be admired and shown to the neighbors even if it wasn't convenient for them... for instance at breakfast times. With all that clearly in mind, it wasn't so surprising when the Academy of the Overly Friendly Shepherd announced its Christmas Pageant that Fred assumed he would be cast as the Blesséd Christ Child... and DID something about it!

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmas Kitties Chaos in the Crèche!"... #5:

Mr. Whiskers was a brand new kitty in the household. He'd been found in the backyard on a very cold night, and, truth be told, the nice doctor had said that he might not have lasted another day if the humans hadn't brought him inside to be a part of the family. They fussed and cuddled and loved all over him... and showed him off to their neighbors from next door. Then one night, the humans decorated their house with lights and twinkly-wiggle-things and sticks and green-stuff that smelled like the outdoors where Whiskers had come from. He was scared at first, because he thought maybe he would be cold again... and hungry. Scary-hungry... but no! The humans even made him a little house with toy-people and toy-animals that were so little he could push them around. That made Whiskers laugh and laugh, especially the cow which he kicked around and finally carried around in his mouth and dropped in his cat-litter! Oh how THAT made him laugh. Finally, he climbed into his little house so cozy and warm and safe... and he settled in for the night. He looked around at all the toy-people and animals looking at him and smiling. Some were raising their arms as if to hug him! He felt very nice. Very, very nice. He wished every kitty, that EVERYONE could feel like this tonight... even the little baby beside him in the stick-bed.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmas Kitties Chaos in the Crèche!"... #4:

Mickey loved when his little human girl would read stories to him for hours on end! He would stare at her with wide eyes as the little girl (her name was Candy.. or Brandy... maybe Bruce?... whatever) would read on and on and act out all the different parts. His favorite story though was about someone named Alice who ate something and then got too big for the house she was in. His human would laugh and laugh and show Mickey the pictures of Alice punching through the roof and walls while people screamed and pointed and ran! Mickey decided that would be a fun thing to do to the special Christmas house his humans set up on the table. Just like Alice, he certainly was too big to fit inside... and he'd eaten a woman and a lamb too since no one gave him a cookie that said Eat Me... whatever.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmas Kitties Chaos in the Crèche!"... #3:

Blackie was perhaps the most cuddly, lovable, and well-behaved kitty that his humans had ever encountered... or even heard of. He never broke anything, brought scary things home and left them in embarrassing places, or chewed valuable items of clothing. He never even threw up in an expensive shoe or in a plate of food when no one was looking. But when his humans set up the little people and their farm animals, Blackie got a strange notion in his head. While his humans were out having a special dinner with their friends, Blackie decided to throw the little house on the floor and break it. And then he unraveled Grandma's favorite table cloth and left it out so everyone could see! Shortly after that, while he was pushing the little house closer and closer to the fireplace, he decided he wanted to change his name to Satan.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmas Kitties Chaos in the Crèche!"... #2:

Abner had decided that there was too much clutter in the funny little house his humans had put on the table. After nibbling on the stupid tree-thing which turned out to be made out of wood... or gunk, he casually moved the tchochke-people out of the way. He was careful not to brush them off the edge or to eat them... a consideration he did NOT extend to the ox-and-lamb combo... or the little drummer boy and one of the older men who seemed to be trying to bother the little boy... whatever.

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