...from Sybil Bruncheon's "EASTER EGGS-traordinaries"... The Eggs-sorcist!

"The Marshmallow Peeps of Syosset compels YOU!

The Cadbury eggs of Poughkeepsie compels YOU!

The Brach's classic jelly beans compels YOU!!"

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... from Sybil Bruncheon's "EASTER EGGS-traordinaries”… Celebrations on other worlds...

On the Planet Jrzzelkin 22*^pLotky, the inhabitants decided to collect examples of life from other worlds, especially during the alien species' festival-times and celebrations. Sadly, the Jrzzelkins sometimes confused one holiday with another... for instance, after they seized little Jeffy Crawford from the backyard of his home in Perrysburg, Ohio, the Jrzzelkins couldn't decide if they were supposed to use him as a piñata... or stuff him with herbs and bread crumbs...

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Sybil Bruncheon's 31 Days of Halloween: "Biographies in Brief!... Uncle Fuzzy”…

Mr. Herbert Limpkin had the distinction at eight years of age of being the only person ever bitten by one of the cute little bunnies at the Oakleyville Presbyterian Petting Zoo… and during their Springtime “Let’s Meet Our Animal Friends Festival”. Imagine how little Herbie must have felt with his pudgy little hand throbbing and bleeding as he looked down at the hissing white bunny with the red eyes!... and there on the office wall of the zoo’s nurse, a poster of the Blesséd Savior in his heavenly white robe, surrounded by little animals and children, extending his crucified palms… and all of them smiling; Jesus, animals, children smiling right at Herbie as he begged Nurse Charmondely NOT to put in the three stitches! Of course she did, and gave him a tetanus shot as well, which hurt like Hell!...

… which also gave him his infernal idea… the idea he employed as an adult when he decided to be the Easter Bunny at the Halloween Holidays-in-Hell Barn in Akron, Ohio. High School and college kids from miles around came to the fabulously scary installation which ran from October 1st through Halloween night itself, ending in a massive costume party and dance and a contest with prizes! Interestingly, no one seemed to notice as the October days went by that Mr. Limpkin was getting weirder and more withdrawn from his fellow “ghouls” and “goblins” during their lunch and dinner breaks in the actors’ cafeteria. Authorities found out later that he spent hours every night after work “enhancing” his Easter Bunny costume with finger nails made from actual nails… and teeth made from drill bits and broken switchblades. Scarier and scarier… and finally quite horrifying according to the two managers and the director of the facility, shortly before Herbie brought the ax… and used it!!

Later, during his seven consecutive life-sentences, he created the Uncle Fuzzy Junior Jammies Company employing his sewing skills in the prison crafting lounge, making cozy pajamas for children. Uncle Fuzzy’s company slogan??... “Sweet Dreams Are Our Business!”…

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Sybil Bruncheon's "EASTER EGGS-traordinaries"... A heartfelt prayer at our Holy Time:

"Oh, Lamb of Sweet Disposition, protecteth us from the wiles of the Great Trickster! ...he that farteth near our simple meals, and replaceth wholesome beans which we have dug from the ground with our prayerful hands with shrew turds and skittle beetles. Just this past Sabbath Day, our loving children opened their few candies bartered from the local Duane Reade Apothecary Shoppe on the corner of Jersey Cow Path and Goody Proctor Blvd. My own daughter, Charity Hope Polite-tress (she is 8 years of age and can already recite Revelations backwards in a convincing baritone!), unwrapped a 6 month old candy saved from thy Birthday only to find that the chocolate treat inside bore a striking resemblance to the Cruel Prankster whose name may not be mentioned in virtuous circles and who likes to make bad faces with his rear-end at our quilting-bees. My dearest childe shrieked in horror and threatened it with her home made cross that she had fashioned from twigs and her own yanked-out hair. The villagers gathered with other infernal candies that the other sweetlings had found in their own huts and lean-tos. We now know that the so-called "tin foil" is the Devil's work because of its similarity to mirrors which have been strictly prohibited by our elders as encouraging the twin sins of Vanity and Washing. And the painting of the foil is clearly a tribute to the Whore of Babylon and her temptations of our innocent young men to the sin of self-touching! Some of our young have also put the hated tin foil in their mouths and noticed that the Fiendish One pricks their gums with lightning flashes and bad tastes....And so, we asketh humbly that you, Kindly Shepherd, protect your lambs from grotesque pranks like these, and also from cavities in our remaining teeth... Thanking Thee in advance, I remain your devoted servant here in the Little Church Of Perpetual Consternation, Reverend Piety Sawyer.”

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Sybil Bruncheon's "EASTER EGGS-traordinaries"... Brooklyn Heights, NY.

Little Brucie Farnsworth had always had a sensitive and artistic nature. On his first birthday he had pointed quite obviously to a living room designed by Angelo Donghia in his mother's Architectural Digest magazine and said his first words, “Dong! DONG!”. On his second birthday, he asked if Mario Buatta had designed his cake when it was wheeled out with bright frosting flowers cascading down the side in a generous spiral. By three, he could identify differences between I. M. Pei, Bauhaus, Phillip Johnson, and Frank Lloyd Wright buildings, and had written fan letters to both Frank Gehry and Richard Meier….in crayon!... which were ANSWERED!

It was during his fourth Easter that little Brucie had his nervous breakdown which hospitalized him til the following June. It wasn't the terrifying Bunny costume that Uncle Fred had put on! It was the hideous brown-ish Gainsborough-esque upholstery on Grandpa's dowdy wing-chair and how it clashed with the lurid colors and cheap printing of the dining room's faux-Monet wallpaper!... and velvet paintings of Venice and the Last Supper! The last thing the entire family heard before he fainted was Brucie's screeching voice, "MY EYES!!!....dear God, MY EYES!!!"... NYC Child Services was immediately called by the ambulance attendants reporting possible child abuse in the household. Brucie’s family was led away in handcuffs in front of the entire neighborhood and pelted with Cadbury chocolate egg creams and stale marshmallow peeps, the really hard, dried out kind….which hurt.

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....from Sybil Bruncheon's "EASTER EGGS-traordinaries"... Mother and my diet...

Happy Easter, Darlings!… here's a photo of Mummie as a very little girl when she modeled for the Louis Sherry Chocolate Company... Sadly, instead of letting me be proud that I was in the Ladies Home Journal, my mother used this photo to frighten and harangue me about my weight over the next 30 years. "Look, Sybil! JUST LOOK AT YOURSELF! YOU WEIGH MORE THAN TWO LITTLE BUNNIES! Fatty! Fatty! YOU ARE A FATTY!!!!"...

And you wonder why I later hit the gym seven-days-a-week and became the Daughters of the Mayflower Ladies Bodybuilding Champ for all of New England!

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Holiday Bulletins: Cushkin Corners, Oklahoma...

Holiday Bulletins From Around The World!!!...... Cushkin Corners, Oklahoma. The locally famous Smedley family (Mr. Hector & Mrs. Gerardine) had been widely known from the day they first gave birth to their quadruplets back on April 5th, Easter Sunday in 1931. The Great Depression had wiped out both personal fortunes and any optimism from the populace for hundreds of miles, and yet, the near miracle of these four tiny babies being born in a dust bowl cabin and surviving had created a joyous surge of neighborliness and sharing. Country fairs, square dances, barn raisings, quilting bees, 4H festivals, and even "ice cream sociables" were instigated around their annual birthdays from the very first!

….The newspapers reported their first steps, their first words, and even as they got older, the public watched eagerly as they got their driver's licenses, went to their proms, and graduated from their Technical Schools, Beauty Colleges, and Animals Husbandry Academies.... it was only in their 20s that the interest in them began to wane. And that was when the facade began to crack.... jilted at the altar, or failed marriages, DWIs, bad fashion choices, shoplifting arrests, and forlorn Ponzi schemes involving cheap mascaras in local notions shops, all of these took their toll...and it showed. The long spiral downward was inexorable. Here they are at 23 years of age, clockwise from lower left.....Myrtle Mae, Clarenda, Needra, and Francie. (Francie's the one with the carotene disorder...and the...um...floppy ears..).

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...from Sybil Bruncheon's "EASTER EGGS-traordinaries"... Hepplemann Falls, Ohio.......

Easter Weekend Reports From Around The World: .....Hepplemann Falls, Ohio.

Abner Linkmayer and a passenger claiming to be the Easter Bunny were stopped by highway patrolmen today for erratic driving of a John Deere tractor and a 40' wheat harvester down Highway 3 this morning. They managed to mow down four mailboxes, seven fire hydrants, twenty two street signs, and the Bigelow newspaper and notions stand in the town square. (Scotty Bigelow jumped off his stool just in time!) Several airline bottles of Grey Goose, Jim Beam, Southern Comfort, Drambuie, and Manischewitz were found scattered in the hopper of the harvester. Little Abner and Mr. Bunny claimed that they had not been drinking, but that the bottles had come "from the Booze Tree that they had run over back on the MacGregor farm". Police determined later that there was no booze tree on the MacGregor farm, and the botany department of the Clemson College of Agricultural & Animal Husbandry went even farther by declaring that in fact there is no such thing as a booze tree. At that point, Linkmayer and Bunny were heard to laugh raucously, make farting sounds using their hands and armpits, and then throw up all over the police chief's desk. Both are being held without bail until their trial at either the Hepplemann Juvenile Facility ..or at the Gurney Petting Zoo. Details at 6. Bourbon-soaked marshmallow peeps at 11.

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...from Sybil Bruncheon's "EASTER EGGS-traordinaries"... NEWS BULLETIN!!!

NEWS BULLETIN!!! ...this just in! The State Department has revealed new footage of the terrorist organization ISIS. It appears that to honor the Christian world's upcoming holiday of Easter, members of ISIS are now concealing their identities with festive Holiday wear when they perform their customary beheading ceremonies. A spokesman for the group apologizes to the West for not being able to also find "marshmallow-peep" masks or charming little Easter bonnets for their female suicide bombers! Details at 6. Bright pink plastic grass and scimitars at 11. 

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Holiday Update: The Hector Smedley family.....

Holiday Bulletins From Around The World!!!...... Cushkin Corners, Oklahoma. The locally famous Smedley family (Mr. Hector & Mrs. Gerardine) had been widely known from the day they first gave birth to their quadruplets back on April 5th, Easter Sunday in 1931. The Great Depression had wiped out both personal fortunes and any optimism from the populace for hundreds of miles, and yet, the near miracle of these four tiny babies being born in a dust bowl cabin and surviving had created a joyous surge of neighborliness and sharing. Country fairs, square dances, barn raisings, quilting bees, 4H festivals, and even "ice cream sociables" were instigated around their annual birthdays from the very first!

….The newspapers reported their first steps, their first words, and even as they got older, the public watched eagerly as they got their driver's licenses, went to their proms, and graduated from their Technical Schools, Beauty Colleges, and Animals Husbandry Academies.... it was only in their 20s that the interest in them began to wane. And that was when the facade began to crack.... jilted at the altar, or failed marriages, DWIs, bad fashion choices, shoplifting arrests, and forlorn Ponzi schemes involving cheap mascaras in local notions shops, all of these took their toll...and it showed. The long spiral downward was inexorable. Here they are at 23 years of age, clockwise from lower left.....Myrtle Mae, Clarenda, Needra, and Francie. (Francie's the one with the carotene disorder...and the...um...floppy ears..).

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