BREAKING NEWS from the CNN news desk!… somewhere in Kansas...

This just in as reported to the FBI. The iconic "Ruby Slippers" have been found during a police-sting after their theft over thirteen years ago from an exhibition in a Minneapolis Museum. The perpetrator who works nights as the president of the United States was struck and killed by a little girl from Kansas driving an unlicensed four-room farmhouse. Claiming that weather conditions and the barking of a small dog had distracted her, she apparently lost control of the structure, crossing a median strip, several flight-paths, and a Piggly-Wiggly parking lot before striking the victim and killing him. Witnesses (there were several hundred, all very short) claimed that the little girl was very sorry and certainly didn't deliberately aim for the victim who they said was shouting and shaking a broom at them at the time. The body will be extracted from under the house some time later... when all the singing and dancing has finished. The victim is survived by his sister, a Miss Almira Gulch who has asked that in lieu of flowers, donations should be made to M.A.D.D., Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Details at 6. Black and white film at 11.

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...from Sybil Bruncheon's "EASTER EGGS-traordinaries"... Hepplemann Falls, Ohio.......

Easter Weekend Reports From Around The World: .....Hepplemann Falls, Ohio.

Abner Linkmayer and a passenger claiming to be the Easter Bunny were stopped by highway patrolmen today for erratic driving of a John Deere tractor and a 40' wheat harvester down Highway 3 this morning. They managed to mow down four mailboxes, seven fire hydrants, twenty two street signs, and the Bigelow newspaper and notions stand in the town square. (Scotty Bigelow jumped off his stool just in time!) Several airline bottles of Grey Goose, Jim Beam, Southern Comfort, Drambuie, and Manischewitz were found scattered in the hopper of the harvester. Little Abner and Mr. Bunny claimed that they had not been drinking, but that the bottles had come "from the Booze Tree that they had run over back on the MacGregor farm". Police determined later that there was no booze tree on the MacGregor farm, and the botany department of the Clemson College of Agricultural & Animal Husbandry went even farther by declaring that in fact there is no such thing as a booze tree. At that point, Linkmayer and Bunny were heard to laugh raucously, make farting sounds using their hands and armpits, and then throw up all over the police chief's desk. Both are being held without bail until their trial at either the Hepplemann Juvenile Facility ..or at the Gurney Petting Zoo. Details at 6. Bourbon-soaked marshmallow peeps at 11.

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