Sybil Bruncheon's "I'm A Fan of Fabulous Films"...

I love thrillers!... suspense films that make you completely forget you're sitting in a movie theatre with hundreds of strangers or tucked into a blanket shivering away on your sofa in the dark! And there are so many different variations on the thriller genre; science fiction, horror, serial killers, slasher films, who-dunnits... oh, the list goes on and on! Here are a few of my favorites, and I would have added another ten or twenty, but a photo collage is only so big!…

If you’re having trouble with the titles of these great suspense films, the answers are directly below!

[Top row: PSYCHO (1960), THE USUAL SUSPECTS (1995), REAR WINDOW (1954). Middle row: CHINATOWN (1974), L.A. CONFIDENTIAL (1997), SEVEN (1995), THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE (1962). Bottom row: KLUTE (1971), JAWS (1975), THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (1991), THE SIXTH SENSE (1999)]

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Sybil Bruncheon's 31 Days of Halloween: "Biographies in Brief!... Uncle Fuzzy”…

Mr. Herbert Limpkin had the distinction at eight years of age of being the only person ever bitten by one of the cute little bunnies at the Oakleyville Presbyterian Petting Zoo… and during their Springtime “Let’s Meet Our Animal Friends Festival”. Imagine how little Herbie must have felt with his pudgy little hand throbbing and bleeding as he looked down at the hissing white bunny with the red eyes!... and there on the office wall of the zoo’s nurse, a poster of the Blesséd Savior in his heavenly white robe, surrounded by little animals and children, extending his crucified palms… and all of them smiling; Jesus, animals, children smiling right at Herbie as he begged Nurse Charmondely NOT to put in the three stitches! Of course she did, and gave him a tetanus shot as well, which hurt like Hell!...

… which also gave him his infernal idea… the idea he employed as an adult when he decided to be the Easter Bunny at the Halloween Holidays-in-Hell Barn in Akron, Ohio. High School and college kids from miles around came to the fabulously scary installation which ran from October 1st through Halloween night itself, ending in a massive costume party and dance and a contest with prizes! Interestingly, no one seemed to notice as the October days went by that Mr. Limpkin was getting weirder and more withdrawn from his fellow “ghouls” and “goblins” during their lunch and dinner breaks in the actors’ cafeteria. Authorities found out later that he spent hours every night after work “enhancing” his Easter Bunny costume with finger nails made from actual nails… and teeth made from drill bits and broken switchblades. Scarier and scarier… and finally quite horrifying according to the two managers and the director of the facility, shortly before Herbie brought the ax… and used it!!

Later, during his seven consecutive life-sentences, he created the Uncle Fuzzy Junior Jammies Company employing his sewing skills in the prison crafting lounge, making cozy pajamas for children. Uncle Fuzzy’s company slogan??... “Sweet Dreams Are Our Business!”…

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Separated At Birth?... or THE SAME PERSON?!?!?"...

The strange case of Velma Cruther and Leroy Jessup... born in the South but of exact "parts-unknown"... and not even exact birth-dates or certificates. Were they neighbors, classmates, siblings, lovers, or perhaps even the same person??

What IS known for sure is that they seemed to have lived their entire and fairly short lives within a 23 mile radius of their childhoods and final... ahem... "demises". They both, coincidentally, had careers in custodial and housekeeping service, and never progressed past the 7th grade. They never attended any professional academy or training facility, nor did they serve their country in the military or in civil service. Neither of them was apparently married or had children, or even had relatives to be concerned when they were deceased.

As to another theory of who they were; in the South, the tradition in vaudeville and showboat minstrelsy included "gender comedy" with performers donning costumes and characterizations of the opposite sex. Perhaps these "two persons", both known for extreme eccentricity and borderline anti-social and even criminal activity, may have fallen on hard times and been driven to unfortunate fates in the backwaters of the South. According to authorities and what few public and official records we have, they both came to fairly terrible ends which were verified by witnesses and local (though rural!) coroners. Yes, bodies were buried in marked graves. Interestingly, both bodies were seriously disfigured, beyond absolute recognition as was recorded, although their identities were surmised and seemingly irrefutable. But.... were the bodies actually Cruther and Jessup?... or corpses substituted in some bizarre conspiracy? And what did the pair of bright red girl's tap shoes and a small bottle of so-called "smelling salts" have to do with anything?? Are Cruther and Jessup perhaps one-and-the-same?... and is he (or she!) still wandering the country, looking for work... and possible mayhem!

So! We leave it up to you dear readers! Velma Cruther and Leroy Jessup; Separated at birth?... or THE SAME PERSON?!?!?... you decide!

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Sybil Bruncheon's “A Christmas Eve Bulletin for Parents!!!”

Friends, do you have a difficult child in your home? Now it's best to be honest, BRUTALLY honest with yourself and face the harsh reality of a "bad child". Perhaps through no fault of your own, your son or daughter..(or whatever!) is perpetually naughty, and has been so nearly from birth!... maybe even in the Delivery Room? Did your newborn pull a sharp object on your obstetrician... and the attending nurses?

Does your toddler bite, scratch, or kick its playmates, a valuable piece of antique furniture... or even plumbing fixtures?

Does your pre-schooler speak in strange foreign languages or make tropical animal sounds with accompanying gestures, especially when religious persons are visiting, or perhaps your employer and his unsuspecting wife?

Has your child claimed to have a "secret friend"??..... with a name like "Monkey-Woman", "Curtis the Curved-Cucumber", "Qitzzl-Patyl", or "Mrs. Roosevelt"????

Does your 1st grader put his clothes on backwards, or upside down....or does he go out for the day with no clothes on whatsoever?

Does your youngster eat all his vegetables, but insist on biting them directly out of the ground with his own teeth?

Has your daughter ever carried on lengthy and expensive long-distance phone calls... on her shoes... with famous mimes??

Has your child started collecting odd things, like olive pits, burnt matches, or navel lint?

Has your youngster ever used his bedroom closet as a "private elevator to Uncle Satan's house"?

Does your son shoplift various make-up items, and then open a beauty counter at your dining room table when your bridge club meets on Thursdays... where he introduces himself as "Mr. Nancy: Make-up Mentor To Mass-Murderers!"…

These and other peculiar eccentricities can be the advanced and sometimes incurable signs of "Willful Naughtiness". What can a caring parent do? The first step is to call our switchboard and purchase the books and tools needed to turn this terrible situation around! But you must act NOW! Time is of the essence! Our operators are waiting to help YOU! Just dial S-A-V-E-M-Y-B-R-A-T! That's right! Dial 728-369-2728. The nice man will tell you how to order! Procrastination may be fatal!... Don't wait until your sweet little bundle of joy wakes you up on Christmas morning ... with a blowtorch… and an axe!

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Sybil Bruncheon’s 31 Days of Halloween... “a fixer upper”…

… ah, yes... the famous Hexter home in Perrysburg, Ohio... it started out as a sweet little three bedroom, two and a half bath in suburbia, and was transformed generation to generation with one addition after another into an odd pseudo-French chateau... with a thirteen car garage... and seven disgruntled and pretentious ghosts!

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “31 DAYS OF HALLOWEEN!”…. Those Naughty Nickersons!

                  Toinette Nickerson proved to be a fairly mischievous child even at 4 years of age. She teased the cat, hid thumbtacks in grandma’s rocking chair cushion, and replaced the sugar in the sugar bowl with salt. At first, her family chuckled that she was “such a scamp” as her Aunt Delia called her, but her pranks escalated in both frequency and severity as she grew older. A missing tricycle, a broken wagon, and a stolen princess tiara at Halloween were eventually superseded by missing money, a broken windshield, and a stolen wallet when she was in high school. It was interesting that she became a delinquent when most young ladies were obsessed with just that; acting like young ladies. But Toinette bought herself a black leather bolero jacket, and kept a pack of Lucky Strikes in the breast pocket with her Zippo lighter that she flipped open with one hand. She could talk tough with any of the guys in shop class, and dated a few of the football players, though none of the stars.

                   High school came and went!...she managed to graduate with a C- average. College never exactly came… Toinette wasn’t really interested, motivated, or gifted enough to think about college. And so the usual events tumbled one after the other in her humdrum, small-town, rustbelt life. Barmaid in a roadhouse and dating a biker, then a bass guitarist in a local band, then a gas station mechanic who was both a biker and a drummer in the same band.

                  And then the first kid, and another, and another …all with an aluminum siding salesman she met at the roadhouse. Things (and years) flowed along with some ups, some downs, nothing very dramatic…or exciting either. Toinette found herself accepting that she had become a woman, mellowing, and even responsible in many ways especially because of her three children for whom she tried to set a good example. Her own parents before they died were often surprised at her growing maturity, chuckling at how even she had become …well, “motherly”. Her figure thickened, she kept earlier hours, she and her husband bought a station wagon…and a swing set…and were saving up for an above-ground pool for the kids. Eventually, they actually bought the roadhouse and ran it together…fairly successfully, especially after the new highway was rerouted right by it.

                 Everything was going great, until that one Halloween. The rumors were that Toinette had been telling the children about her own childhood Halloweens and the pranks that she and some of her naughtier friends from “the wrong side of the tracks” had practiced on the neighbors. Old Mrs. Kenbright had her porch covered with wet toilet tissue and bags of dog poop that had been set on fire. Mr. Bandy had stepped on the rake they left on his front steps, and it flipped up and broke his glasses and chipped his false teeth. And they had taken Kimmy O’Connor’s tricycle and left it five blocks away in the parking lot of the Piggly-Wiggly…. But it was never seen again. Toinette’s children laughed and laughed, mostly because she had a fun and frisky way of retelling her misadventures… but she also managed to strip the events of any empathy for the victims or seriousness in the consequences. And there were consequences. Mrs. Kenbright’s trellis actually caught fire, and it spread up the right side of the house, charring the magnificent, ancient oak tree that had been planted there 150 years before. Mr. Bandy, in his late 70s, was severely bruised for weeks afterwards, and died suddenly of a heart attack only three months later. And little Kimmy was never really very cheerful or trusting again after her beloved tricycle disappeared. One would think that children were much more resilient, or forgetful in the face of loss, but Kimmy was one of those more sensitive and introspective children. From that Halloween night on, Kimmy was described as having a “sad streak”, becoming untrusting and withdrawing from most of her friends. She ignored the new tricycle her father bought her claiming that her “old one was lost somewhere out in the world” and was crying to come home. She woke up constantly from nightmares screaming that her tricycle was lonely and afraid in a field in thunderstorms….or that “it was being killed by bad men with sticks and rocks”. Whenever it snowed, she would sit in her bedroom window with her little hands pressed against the brittle glass, rocking back and forth obsessed that it was lying in the frozen mud wondering why she hadn’t come to save it. She was inconsolable and grief-stricken as only sensitive children can be who have none of the callouses and maturity that adults use to make sense of or ignore the cruelties that befall the innocent in our world.

                Toinette had started out as not one of those innocents. Whether by birth or by training, she had never been heartbroken or betrayed by the casual and careless world, and if she had been, she certainly didn’t let it inconvenience her for more than a moment or so. Some people don’t mind the pain that others feel. They don’t see the devastation in the eyes of another person in the face of terrible loss. And even as she grew and aged, and matured with a family of her own, that lack, that flatness if you will, still remained inside her, because of course, as you well know, people are pretty much what they are. After the first few years of childhood, it’s almost impossible for someone to be other than what they have become. Their characters have set in stone, so to speak….for good or ill. Is that why Toinette took her children out trick-or-treating that one Halloween evening and suggested that they might do a few “innocent pranks”, even when they had been given candy! At the Bancroft’s house, she tiptoed up on the porch and showed her children how to soap the windows over on the side where it wouldn’t be noticed till the next morning… and at the Carterette’s, they smashed the huge pumpkin that Nellie had carved herself and named King Chuckles…. right in the bushes, his smiling face caved in and broken, half-smiling still and yet now, unbearably sad. Toinette and her children scampered off into the dark, going from one house to another as the night drew on, and finally she realized they were forgetting to even ring doorbells and collect the “treats” that they had started out for. She herself seemed to be returning to her own childhood as she dragged her breathless kids along on an increasingly frenzied rampage.

                 It was getting later, much later than most parents would have allowed their children to be out, and so reluctantly, Toinette decided it was time to head home. Her eldest asked if they were going to ring bells for any more candy, but Toinette knew that they would be met with concerned and even disapproving looks if they wandered up onto porches at that hour, especially with her youngest being a toddler and her oldest no more than 6. As they rounded the corner of one of the streets, she noticed a darkened house up a remote and winding drive that looked abandoned. She stopped and asked the children if they’d like to have one last adventure where they could play all the pranks that they could think of. Her children stared at the house in the faint and fading moonlight and the middle one sniffled a little about being scared. Toinette told her not to be a baby, and she began marching up the gravel drive, grown over in many places with weeds and ivy. Toinette picked up some stones in her free hand and handed them to her children saying that if the house was empty they could throw them through windows!...much more fun than soaping them. And she said to the kids, wasn’t it fun that they had dressed as ghosts because they could go into the house and run about pretending to haunt the place, making scary sounds, and breaking furniture and anything else they found inside. They could scream and shriek and moan like hideous monsters as wildly as they liked! Wouldn’t that be fun? Wouldn’t that be the very best fun??... and her children stared at her, both excited and a little frightened by their Mommy’s strange voice.

               As they walked up to the huge house, right up to the dilapidated porch that had once been so wide and grand but now was falling away, Toinette gathered them all together. She hugged them and laughed and encouraged them to be scary and wild. They looked back down the long drive, winding and black into the thick bushes and leaning trees, and marveled that they had been brave enough to come all this way. “See?”, said Toinette. “Look how far we’ve come, and we’ve been ghosts all night long. Just like when I was a little girl playing tricks on people and scaring them!”… and then, suddenly, for a split second she heard her own voice…outside of herself. And she thought for just one instant… just one, of Nellie’s pumpkin looking sadly up at her as the candle flickered out… and of Kimmy’s little tricycle, so many years ago… looking back over her shoulder at it sitting in the single lonely light of the parking lot. Waiting to be taken back to the loving arms of a little girl who would never see it or hold it again.

              And it was in that moment, that moment of remembering other Halloweens over the many years, that Toinette heard a small twig snap behind her… and the children…. And then, for the first time, it was her turn to be afraid…

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Concerning Stephen King:

Concerning Stephen King: His movies always strike me as either the best or the worst movies.... I adore THE GREEN MILE (1999), STAND BY ME (1986), DOLORES CLAIBORNE (1995), THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION (1994)...... but so many of the others strike me as ...well, amusing but tacky sideshow tents at a two-bit carnival that's rolled into town for a rainy weekend... some thrills, some chills, some giggles ..and then it’s stumbling off through the mud to the tilt-a-whirl, a drooping paper cone of flaccid cotton candy, and the ring-toss booth for a stained kewpie doll. And the titles! THE ENRAGED FRIENDSHIP BRACELET (1978), MRS. CHARNER’S VERY BAD BROWNIES (1981), WISHFUL OBJET D’ARTE (1983), THE GRUMPY MARY-KAY LADY (1987), THE ELDERLY MAN WHO WORE MILDEWED GYM SHORTS (1989), THE SPOON THAT TURNED INTO A FORK (1990), and SPANXIE & THE WET BALL OF YARN (1991)…..(jeeesh!) 

And sadly, I’ve also noticed that NONE of the Stephen King films that I appeared in were on any Best Films list….. THE REALLY ANGRY SUNBEAM TOASTER (1985), HE THAT LIMPS AND CLEARS HIS THROAT (1987), MURIEL DESATNICK AND HER NOTIONS COUNTER OF SNARKINESS (1994), and of course, THE CLUTTERED NIGHT STAND WITH THE DRAWER THAT REMAINED STUCK (1995)…

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