Sybil Bruncheon's “A Christmas Eve Bulletin for Parents!!!”

Friends, do you have a difficult child in your home? Now it's best to be honest, BRUTALLY honest with yourself and face the harsh reality of a "bad child". Perhaps through no fault of your own, your son or daughter..(or whatever!) is perpetually naughty, and has been so nearly from birth!... maybe even in the Delivery Room? Did your newborn pull a sharp object on your obstetrician... and the attending nurses?

Does your toddler bite, scratch, or kick its playmates, a valuable piece of antique furniture... or even plumbing fixtures?

Does your pre-schooler speak in strange foreign languages or make tropical animal sounds with accompanying gestures, especially when religious persons are visiting, or perhaps your employer and his unsuspecting wife?

Has your child claimed to have a "secret friend"??..... with a name like "Monkey-Woman", "Curtis the Curved-Cucumber", "Qitzzl-Patyl", or "Mrs. Roosevelt"????

Does your 1st grader put his clothes on backwards, or upside down....or does he go out for the day with no clothes on whatsoever?

Does your youngster eat all his vegetables, but insist on biting them directly out of the ground with his own teeth?

Has your daughter ever carried on lengthy and expensive long-distance phone calls... on her shoes... with famous mimes??

Has your child started collecting odd things, like olive pits, burnt matches, or navel lint?

Has your youngster ever used his bedroom closet as a "private elevator to Uncle Satan's house"?

Does your son shoplift various make-up items, and then open a beauty counter at your dining room table when your bridge club meets on Thursdays... where he introduces himself as "Mr. Nancy: Make-up Mentor To Mass-Murderers!"…

These and other peculiar eccentricities can be the advanced and sometimes incurable signs of "Willful Naughtiness". What can a caring parent do? The first step is to call our switchboard and purchase the books and tools needed to turn this terrible situation around! But you must act NOW! Time is of the essence! Our operators are waiting to help YOU! Just dial S-A-V-E-M-Y-B-R-A-T! That's right! Dial 728-369-2728. The nice man will tell you how to order! Procrastination may be fatal!... Don't wait until your sweet little bundle of joy wakes you up on Christmas morning ... with a blowtorch… and an axe!

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