Sybil Bruncheon's "Breaking News From The World of Medical Mysteries!!!".... the Giggle-Weevil, and its deadly consequences...

Yes, folks, it's true! A long suspected killer has finally been discovered in our midst; the insidious Giggle-Weevil (Stingus hystericocus) Always dismissed as a myth by the AMA and the conservative Western medical establishment, (like acupuncture!), it has now been affirmed that a small seemingly harmless insect has been the culprit for years... perhaps centuries! Starting with what appears to be nothing more than a mosquito bite, the itching begins to be accompanied by a happy mood... gradually descending into a merry buoyancy, and finally into inappropriate and raucous laughter, wild dancing about, capering, violent gymnastics and often naked calisthenics... and death. There is no known cure... the victim should be made as comfortable as possible, and restrained if he poses a physical threat to those around him, valuable artwork, or innocent farm animals... Seen here are a variety of victims from all walks of life of this dread insect: (Clockwise from top left...)

1) Brijittah Oбрізки - A Ukrainian housewife and interpretive dancer who, during a recital at a local hospice/petting zoo, was bitten by the Giggle Weevil (or the Хихікач-Довгоносик) while she re-enacted all the animals in the "Farmer In The Dell". The audience was rapturous and applauded lustily until she suddenly began a verse about an orangutan marrying a bushel of okras... the children in the audience were delighted, but their parents began to worry, especially as Brijittah disrobed and showed what a fully ripe okra could be used for... With a delighted yowl, she fell to the ground as local police persons descended on her... she died 3 hours later... though with a huge and satisfied smile on her dear old face.

2) Huu Kwan Ping - A cigar and cigarette maker, Ping had always been known as the most grim and sour member of his large and prosperous family. Having absolutely no sense of humor, he was all business and finance, investing his money in tobacco futures and noodle commodities. He was reported to have become a millionaire by the time he was 19 although he only had seven remaining teeth. One night at the age of 31, he was out on a veranda counting his day's profits when he was bitten by the dread Giggle Weevil (or the Gēgē xiàng bí chóng). Within a few minutes he began tell jokes in Mandarin, apparently of his own design, accompanied by obscene gestures and barnyard sounds. Predictably, no one else laughed. He had never been know to be the least bit entertaining or even particularly friendly. And when he died a few hours later face down in a family-sized portion of General Tso's Chicken, the staff at the McDonald's performed a makeshift funeral... and cremated him in the French-fryer. 

3) Alex Trebek – prime-time game-show host. Yes, it’s true. Even celebrities in the whirlwind maelstrom of obscure trivia questions, flipping cards, guessing letters, buying vowels, and interviewing lunk-head contestants from Butt-Smoke, Wyoming can be victims of an unfortunate run-in with a bizarre insect.  Mr. Trebek apparently was bitten by the Giggle-Weevil on an outing to Yosemite National Park and returned from his Summer hiatus to the first Fall taping session. In front of the studio audience, he began to chuckle merrily at some of the unfortunate contestants’ incorrect answers. Always a bit on the condescending side of his comments, Trebek managed during Double-Jeopardy to burst out laughing on one mistake and then roll around on the floor howling behind his podium at the Final-Jeopardy showdown. He was carried away, tears streaming down his face in front of a horrified audience that was forced at the exits to sign a disclaimer; they were deny that any such thing had happened in exchange for $47.00 and a lifetime supply of Tang and Calgon Bouquet Bath Salts. (This was before the FDA scandal that revealed that Tang and Calgon Bouquet Bath Salts were in fact the same product!) Trebek managed to survive his bout with the Giggle-Weevil long enough to tragically pass away from other causes later in the year. 

4) Greta-Mae Linn Eisenhower – a distant cousin of the great Dwight Eisenhower. Greta-Mae was an active member of the Ladies’ Rotary and had the distinction of being an Elk, a Wombat, an Oddfellow, a Daughter of Pythias,  a Daughter of Columbus, a Daughter of Italy, and a Shriner-ette. She participated in every charity bake-sale, church sociable, fire department pancake breakfast, and county fair clown dunk…as the CLOWN! That’s one reason why, due to her naturally merry nature, that no one noticed her decent into the tragic madness of a Giggle-Weevil bite. It was on a charming Sunday morning in April that Greta-Mae casually mentioned that she “thought the lampshade in the foyer might look nice as a church hat”… and that’s just what she did in front of startled onlookers after she cut it loose from its hanging wire. She plopped it cheerfully on her head and strode out onto the front lawn to show it to any passersby. When asked by a child what the thing sticking out of the top was, Greta-Mae looked, thought for a moment, and then declared that it was fuse she might light at any moment to blow up the Bingo Hall since she never got to win… and then off she staggered into town yowling the whole way. Later, after the church services were finished, during which she interrupted Reverend Felter with catcalls and an endless stream of lewd puns, knock-knock jokes, and cookie recipe suggestions during the parable of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. When seized with a sudden attack of flatulence, she excitedly tore the pink bow curtain-tie from her living room window and claimed that it would prevent any unpleasant smells from disturbing her gerbil, Fritzie. Her daughter later reported that Greta-Mae never had a gerbil, that there was no one in their circle of family and friends named Fritzie, and that she was going to really miss that pink floral bedspread! Greta-Mae passed away a week later and was buried in that very same bedspread dress… 

5) Salvador Dali – famous Dadaist and Surrealist painter. Dali is the only know person to have actually swallowed a Giggle-Weevil. Enough said… 

6) Unidentified widows in the Sweet Sepulchre of Restful Souls Cemetery, Itch-hollow, Indiana. According to a front page story in the Itch-hollow Clarion, an assortment of women attending funerals for their husbands apparently were attacked by a swarm of stinging Giggle-Weevils when someone disturbed their nest, possibly in a bush, a tree, or a discarded picnic basket. Within seconds two things happened; one was that all the mourning and weeping turned into laughter and merriment, and two, all the ladies suddenly became fast-friends… All the grieving parties became… well… PARTIES! A grill was set up directly over Mr. Hiram Eggleson’s fresh grave, the Morrison family brought groceries from their car including packs of hot-dogs and all the fixings for s’mores, and someone ran to the local market down the block for beer, pretzels, and soft drinks for the children. Singing, dancing, and off-color rounds of charades and Twister continued well into the night until the local police were called for possible desecration of burial places… no charges were filed, but only because all the participants were dead within 72 hours.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Hysterical Healthful Histories"... Wauseon, Ohio.

The Philbert Institute For Defused Alienation in Wauseon, Ohio.

With the close of the 19th century, social scientists, philosophical and political observers, anthropologists, and medical professionals discussed the new phenomenon of angst that seemed to be consuming people in all walks of life in industrializing America. As greater and greater numbers of citizens left farming in the rural countryside and built their lives and careers in overcrowded cities, there seemed to be a loss of basic family constructs and communal feelings between neighbors. Dr. Joshua Philbert was a scientist who, in addition to his extensive medical background, was immersed in research into nutritional and specialized exercise programs to improve mental and physical health. Philbert created his institute for patients (or "enrollees" as he preferred to address them) to find an all-consuming wellness and inner peace that would sustain them even after they had returned to their stressful lives. A two-week stay involved daily schedules of classes, exercises, spa treatments, lectures, crafting, movement seminars, gardening, physical exertion, and nudist culture. Sing-alongs, square dance, wicker-weaving, and watermelon war-games were all especially popular with the enrollees. Here we see a typical Watermelon War-Game in which the jolly participants are instructed to eat as much melon as possible and to spit the seeds at opposing "warriors" as quickly and violently as possible. All physical contact between aggressors must be done only through the seeds being spat and on no account should there be any touching or even cross-words.

The war-games were also a sensible way to settle any bickering, arguments, petty quarrels, or personal jealousies among the enrollees and even the institute staff as well. Two unfortunate issues did come up though during the war-games; 1) The more aggressive the "battles" became, the more watermelon the participants would consume resulting in extraordinary amounts of water weight being put on during their stays. Guests also complained of severe stomach cramps, excessive urination, and unpredictably explosive diarrhea often in front of visitors and at mealtimes. …and 2) Some seeds ended up putting people's eyes out or even choking enrollees…. to death.

These tragic setbacks were not lost on John Harvey Kellogg over at his Battle Creek Health Sanitarium. His version of aggression therapy involved patients being costumed in gigantic elasticized one-piece pajamas gathered at the wrists, ankles and neck and filled with bales of milkweed fluff. They were then given huge pillows of the same stuff and instructed to hit each other as violently as they pleased and to yell hideous epithets while confined in padded cells. This exercise would go on for hours until finally, exhausted, they would be found asleep by the staff and dragged back to their separate cells. Kellogg of course charged a fraction of the same fees as Philbert did and the Philbert Institute soon went out of business….…. Later, Professor Philbert changed the spelling of his name to Filbert, moved to Monte Carlo, and made a fortune importing nuts... actual nuts.

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SYBIL SEZ!!!… Hiccups: Mary Poppins May Have Had Something There...

Dear Sybil, I’ve heard that you have a foolproof cure for hiccups among your amazing bits of household wisdom!!  Is it true, or is this just another superstitious urban myth?... and what really causes them in the first place??  Sincerely, Gasping-for-breath!  

Dear Gasping, I DO in fact have a scientifically proved cure for hiccups, tried ‘n’ true, and handed down from one generation of great stage actors to another, family to family, dynasty to dynasty. It was used by the Booths, the Barrymores, Ellen Terry, Mrs. Fisk, Laurette Taylor, Filbert Dirndl, and even Sarah Bernhardt and Sandra Bernhard (who may actually be the SAME person, since they are never seen at the same party at the same time! ….but more on that later!).  The actual science of the hiccup is this; the vagus nerve which runs from the brain down the neck and into the abdominal area, branching out into the various organs, becomes irritated through common digestive problems, emotional upsets (known as “vapours” to the Victorians), blows to the head (sometimes with hatchets!), extended performances of ventriloquism (with or without dummies!), poor accessorizing at luncheons, and over-indulgence in alcohol (usually through so-called “ladies aperitifs” with paper umbrellas!).

Hiccups are little more than a reflex, a misfiring of the nerves leading to the diaphragm! And they're usually more a nuisance than anything else…unless of course, they’re fatal! (My poor great-uncle Wilbur, but that’s another story for another time!). Most home remedies involve two strategies: 1) Overwhelm the misfiring responses of the vagus nerve with other “information”. The vagus nerve informs the brain that something much more dire is happening, and the brain, as the so-called “corporate headquarters” of the body, issues other directives that supersede stupid hiccuping!…or 2) Or interfere with the breathing, as in increasing carbon dioxide levels, which again causes the brain to focus on more dire matters than hiccuping.

My cure, which I have inherited from great actors, performance artists, interpretive dancers, contortionists, ecdysiasts, and highly provocative animal acts is the following: Simply take two spoonfuls of ordinary white sugar, or two sugar packets if you’re on a stock tour and loitering in a diner in Akron! Place the sugar under your tongue and hold it there until it dissolves on its own. No cheating! Don’t chew it, roll it around, or move it in any way… Just let it completely dissolve slowly on its own. As it vanishes, you’ll notice that your hiccups have magically vanished as well. For those of us on nitro-glycerine (or recreational drugs taken orally), we know that the area under the tongue is one of the most highly absorptive places in the body both in completion and speed. The sugar goes instantly and completely into the blood stream and overrides the misfiring signals to the diaphragm, essentially misfiring the misfiring!! I have never known this to fail, and it was the classic cure for hiccups for people who couldn’t afford to be hiccuping in front of the public at the most serious times; Edward Askew Sothern yodeling in OUR AMERICAN COUSIN, Martin Van Buren accepting the presidential nomination of the Know-Nothing Party, and Pinky, the balloon clown at the Lucas County 4H Jamboree making his poodle-balloons make rude sounds!

There ARE, of course, other so-called cures which I will list here in descending order out of journalistic integrity, although I wouldn’t trust any of them on my coleus!  Don’t say I didn’t warn you!  

1) You’ve heard of “See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil”?? Well forget the 1st and 3rd, and play “Hear No Evil”! Supposedly, plugging your ears energetically can stimulate the branches of the vagus nerve which run nearby, and by stimulating the nerve endings there, the vagus nerve goes into action. Of course some people take home-cures too far and end up “over-medicating” themselves by putting pencils, oblong vegetables, and even power tools into their ears! Please! Don’t let this happen to YOU!  

2) There is the age-old Scared-to-Death cure!  Truly ridiculous, unless of course, you have a rich old Aunt Petunia with a severe heart condition, a castle in Monte Carlo, and you’re her favorite nephew!  Then have at it! Hiccups or no!!  Scare the crap out of her! If she survives and is cured, she’ll put you in her will! If she dies. Make sure all her paperwork was in order before you….um…”cured” her.

3) Gulp water! Lots of it!  NO REALLY!!!  LOTS!! …and upside down!!! I assume that’s what Dick Cheney was having the military do at Guantanamo Bay… “curing POW hiccups”….. this particular cure is infinitely more gentle than the old tried ‘n’ true “shotgun-in-the-face on a hunting trip” cure which can have harmful side-effects.

4) Speaking of torture, here’s a suggestion from the Inquisition; take hold of your tongue, and pull it out in front of you for 10 minutes! With pliers… This actually doesn’t cure hiccups, but it keeps you from complaining about them any further to your friends, and that alone is a kind of peace …for others!!!  

5) ON a lighter note (but only barely!) tickle them away; You can tickle the roof of your mouth with a cotton swab or other …ahem…object. Or you can ask someone to tickle any other sensitive parts of your body, inducing laughter… etc. Paying a professional in a roadside motel room for this service is optional… As is nudity… And other paraphernalia.  

6) Hold your breath… or have someone hold it for you. See cure #5 again… Specifically items “professional” and “paraphernalia”… Apply as needed. Try to avoid pillows at all costs though… and any heirs to the Roman Empire.

7) Bag your hiccups! Breathe into a tightly applied paper bag very rapidly and deeply until either the hiccups are gone... Or you wake-up two days later on the floor. Please do NOT try the Jerzy Kosinski version of this with a drycleaner bag and a bubble bath! (“Calgon Bouquet! Take me away!” indeed!!!!)  

There are other cures that have been handed down through the ages and from many different cultures, but I think that as modern people we should avoid shaking gourds, reading sheep entrails, and setting bonfires for a simple case of hiccups! I’m sorry, but drinking and eating too fast and too much strikes me as a much more likely cause for hiccups than witchcraft or Halley’s comet!  Just my opinion! And, as MY old Aunt Petunia used to say, “Sybil dear, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cured bacon!”… (I know! I had NO idea what that meant either!!). XOXOXO! Sybil.

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