Sybil Bruncheon's My Merry Memoirs: I SHARE MY BEAUTY SECRETS!!!... "Before! and AFTER!!!"…

Darlings! (and I use that term loosely!) So many of you have asked me, "Mummie??? What is the secret of your timeless beauty?"... and I have.... well.... NOT RESPONDED!!! I mean, a girl should keep SOMETHING for herself, n'est-ce pas? But NOW, in the spirit of the new millennium, I feel it's only 'Fair-to-Share', and my complete (and revolutionary!) beauty regimen can be yours!!! Yes! NOW! TODAY! And this regimen is the one I use at our special "Sybil Bruncheon's Beauty-Be-Yours-Day Spa" in the Hollywood Hills...

Just look at the 'Before' and 'After' shots of this lackluster-now-lovely lady from Sepulveda!… another satisfied customer!!! Have you ever, EVER seen such a transition from... uh... well, unfortunate grooming choices (shall we say?) to RRRRRADIANT Youth And Well-Being!!!... and this can be yours too! With EXACTLY the same level of success. Just place an order for my product line including the EDIBLE MAKE-UP collection with designer bag (and spoon), and the INJECTABLE MOISTURIZER kit (with either a syringe or enema bottle, your choice!).

But that's not all! You'll also receive a complete and illustrated booklet on my exercise program, with washable flash cards! You'll learn how to;

1) RUB! RUB! RUB! Your Way to Happiness...(but Always UP!),

2) Power-Walk While Remaining Seated, and even READING!,

and 3) How To Eat A Healthy 7 Course Meal.... Even In Your Sleep!

And there are testimonials from clients whose lives have been changed... just look at the before & after shots of this fellow right here! ...and all in only 20 minutes! Would you believe he just celebrated his 73rd birthday???? Hubba, hubba, right Girls??

But wait! I can't call you!!! You have to take the first step...TO BEING BEAUTIFUL!!! Is that so much to ask????... And if you order now, you get an extra kit for only the shipping and handling! Perfect for gifts!... or for going-away-testimonials! This will definitely put the “YOU” in “UNIQUE”!! xoxoxo!!!

Dial R-I-N-K-L-S-B-I-T-E!... that's right! Just call 746-557-2483. The nice man will tell you how to order!

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Sybil Bruncheon’s 31 Days of Halloween!!!... Just out of reach!

Friends! Be Honest! Are you one of those people who raids your children's Trick-or-Treat bags when they come home after Halloween? Perhaps you sneak candy out in the middle of the night claiming it was the "Tooth Fairy", "Santa Claus"... or "Jimmy Hoffa".... Or are you one of those folks at the office who raids the candy bowl and takes all the Snickers bars... or the Baby Ruths?... Well, did you know that now you can join "Bon Bons Anonymous"... a non-profit and highly compassionate organization that curbs the desperate and uncontrolled desire for commercial an d individually wrapped sweets! You and others like you will be...um...guided away from temptation with counseling, encouragement, spiritual exercises, and other modern "methods" to keep you on the righteous path to physical and emotional salvation… and with special “aversion equipment”. But wait! YOU have to take the first step! That is, if you WANT to get well... ...Call our offices today! Just dial S-T-I-K-Y F-I-N-G-A...!! That's right, dial 784-593-4642.... The nice man will tell you how to order!

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Sybil Bruncheon's "HEALTHY HINTS for the HOLIDAYS!"...

Darlings! Are you losing the weight-losing battle on the Thanksgiving-Christmas battle-field? Yeah, me too!! SO!...

...I've started my own special diet with the help of Dexter, my 8 year old nephew, and the nice Fisher-Price Toy people. Instead of snacking on cheeses, crackers, and calorie-loaded capicola, I've gotten this delightful set of plushy treats with their luxury faux-marble accessories and serving utensils. An afternoon mixer with some of Dexter's Cub Scout pals, a pitcher of extra-dry martinis (with REAL olives, please!) and the usual craft & badge chat fueled by cocktails and a poly-rayon charcuterie, and you have a perfect guilt-free solution to the diet dilemma. (The bouclé brie was particularly brilliant!)

And after the party, toss the martini glasses in the dishwasher, and throw the snack-set-up into the laundry hamper. Warm wash and tumble dry!… and no softener required. Put the "cute" back into char-CUTErie!! And I simply adore Dexter and his friends. We arranged flowers for the centerpiece, chose fabrics and a corsage for my Mrs. Santa Claus outfit, and compared recipes for a cotton and cashmere Christmas turkey and felt stuffing. I especially liked the polyester yams with corduroy marshmallows. YUM!

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Hysterical Healthful Histories"... Wauseon, Ohio.

The Philbert Institute For Defused Alienation in Wauseon, Ohio.

With the close of the 19th century, social scientists, philosophical and political observers, anthropologists, and medical professionals discussed the new phenomenon of angst that seemed to be consuming people in all walks of life in industrializing America. As greater and greater numbers of citizens left farming in the rural countryside and built their lives and careers in overcrowded cities, there seemed to be a loss of basic family constructs and communal feelings between neighbors. Dr. Joshua Philbert was a scientist who, in addition to his extensive medical background, was immersed in research into nutritional and specialized exercise programs to improve mental and physical health. Philbert created his institute for patients (or "enrollees" as he preferred to address them) to find an all-consuming wellness and inner peace that would sustain them even after they had returned to their stressful lives. A two-week stay involved daily schedules of classes, exercises, spa treatments, lectures, crafting, movement seminars, gardening, physical exertion, and nudist culture. Sing-alongs, square dance, wicker-weaving, and watermelon war-games were all especially popular with the enrollees. Here we see a typical Watermelon War-Game in which the jolly participants are instructed to eat as much melon as possible and to spit the seeds at opposing "warriors" as quickly and violently as possible. All physical contact between aggressors must be done only through the seeds being spat and on no account should there be any touching or even cross-words.

The war-games were also a sensible way to settle any bickering, arguments, petty quarrels, or personal jealousies among the enrollees and even the institute staff as well. Two unfortunate issues did come up though during the war-games; 1) The more aggressive the "battles" became, the more watermelon the participants would consume resulting in extraordinary amounts of water weight being put on during their stays. Guests also complained of severe stomach cramps, excessive urination, and unpredictably explosive diarrhea often in front of visitors and at mealtimes. …and 2) Some seeds ended up putting people's eyes out or even choking enrollees…. to death.

These tragic setbacks were not lost on John Harvey Kellogg over at his Battle Creek Health Sanitarium. His version of aggression therapy involved patients being costumed in gigantic elasticized one-piece pajamas gathered at the wrists, ankles and neck and filled with bales of milkweed fluff. They were then given huge pillows of the same stuff and instructed to hit each other as violently as they pleased and to yell hideous epithets while confined in padded cells. This exercise would go on for hours until finally, exhausted, they would be found asleep by the staff and dragged back to their separate cells. Kellogg of course charged a fraction of the same fees as Philbert did and the Philbert Institute soon went out of business….…. Later, Professor Philbert changed the spelling of his name to Filbert, moved to Monte Carlo, and made a fortune importing nuts... actual nuts.

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SYBIL PREDICTS!!!... #24...

SYBIL PREDICTS!!!... yes, folks, it's that time again when I make my predictions for the New Year and those mysterious days lying ahead of us...

Prediction #24: In this next year in Asia, as all dogs and indeed every other kind of animal in both wild and domesticated species are eaten, humans will once again have to turn to cannibalism since they will be the only remaining thing to eat. More sophisticated diners will come up with a delightful new culinary treat!... Eating THEMSELVES! Festive evenings out at a fancy restaurant will entail picking which part of your anatomy you'd like the chef to prepare, and then enjoying a nice aperitif with friends before "dinner". And what a wonderful way to stick to your diet! The weight comes off every time you dine!....LITERALLY!!!...

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