The END OF THE WORLD? Are the signs everywhere?... YOU DECIDE!!!

Predictions of “The Rapture”, ‘The End of Days”, and “The Second Coming” are swirling around the world right now with spiritualists and scientists looking for clues in the stars, in the history books, and even in their tea leaves. Although April 23rd has been mentioned in some circles, there have been several other suggestions as to what we might look for as a true sign of the beginning of Armageddon…

1) Mrs. Greta Hibernette of Wauseon, Ohio claims that her prize-winning goat told her over breakfast that the end of the world would come when Flossie, her Guernsey cow would stop giving milk and would instead produce Long Island Ice Teas from her udders… complete with lemon wedges and little paper umbrellas. Mrs. Hibernette assures the police, the city council, and the local 4H Club that she will keep them posted once her hangover passes.

2) The Ladies Quilting Club of Kalamazoo realized to their horror that a gigantic quilt they had all been struggling over for three months revealed a terrible visual when lifted and viewed in a mirror. Instead of a fanciful Rand McNally map of Michigan with animals, vegetables, fruits, and historical sites of interest, the mirror image showed a leering figure of Satan drooling and presenting his hind-parts “in flagrante delicto”! The Upper Peninsula was particularly offensive!

3) Hector Mystar reports to the local police station in Delmonico, New York, that he had opened a can of Pringles potato crisps. Instead of finding the expected stack of identically curved and stacked chips, he found a jumble of crumbs and bits. When he poured them out on his kitchen table in disgust, they tumbled exactly into the shape of the Shroud of Turin. He was amazed and deeply moved at the spectacle until the face of the blesséd Savior yelled, “Bite My Taters” in Latvian. Mr. Mystar was severely frightened, and he told the police that he didn’t even speak Latvian… nor has he ever heard it before.

4) The Birds Of Paradise pet store in Fullerbeth, Wyoming specializes in parrots, parakeets, cockatoos, and even toucans. One toucan in particular has begun to make overt passes at a cockatoo. Inter-species sexuality, though not unheard of, is frowned on in respectable circles. In addition to the shock of seeing the two birds behaving this way, even in front of children visiting the store, there was the bad news that any offspring from such a union might technically have to be called a “Touca-Too”. The good news turned out to be that the birds were discovered to both be males… although a gigantic “Satan Is Coming” was glued on the front window of the shop in about 40 lbs. of Froot Loops.

5) Bernice Funge of Marquette, Idaho claims that an acorn squash weighing 24 pounds was raised in a Christian Louboutin shoe box without the benefit of sunlight, water, French lessons, or seamless nylons... Ms. Funge says that she will feature the squash at her vegetable stand at the end of her driveway. Under no circumstances will she sell the squash, but she will dress it in attractive and modest ways, and feature it as Queen Esther, the Blesséd Virgin, and Eleanor Roosevelt in various uplifting dioramas titled, “Women Who Saved The World”.

6) 11 year old Bobby McGinty of Zeeville, Arkansas has reported that the guppies in his fish tank have begun swimming in formations repeatedly spelling out the names of US presidents and then the word “Chthulu”… His parents think he said, “Chthulu”, but then he IS missing his two front teeth and may have been asking for chewing gum.

7) A two-headed llama was born at the Pet-Me-Poppa Petting Zoo in Collinsville, Iowa. At three years of age it began to hold a debate with itself over which was better, Feta or Brie? Though being a llama, it spoke with a Greek accent… or possibly Belgian… it also requested Campari and soda in its trough before dinner time… but with limes instead of orange slices.

8) Mrs. Frida Gumm, an 89 year-old stay-at-home chef from Tacoma claimed that she was planning to write a cookbook based totally on recipes for toenails... with recommendations for corresponding wines ……Pillsbury is trying to buy the option!... but The Church of The Unholy Hibachi is still trying to outbid them. The Little Sisters of The Unholy Hibachi also claim that they have intimate photos of Poppin' Fresh without his chef's toque on... and displaying little white horns sprouting from his head!

9) The Jesperson High School band in Franconia, Delaware had been a national prize-winner for several years, and even featured in an unbroken record number of thirteen consecutive times in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Suddenly this past week, as they practiced their tribute to Scott Joplin and Justin Bieber, all their music came out as an unintelligible jumble. No matter how many times they attempted to start again, nothing worked. Mrs. Gertrude Edelin passing the rehearsal hall stopped and listened, and suggested they record it all… and then play it backward. Sure enough, when replayed on their Zenith portable record player, they heard a voice saying, “Paul is dead”, “Yellow submarine”, “I wanna hold your paw”, and “Your mother sucks cucumber in Akron”… Mr. Dotrice, the band teacher, has decided to stick strictly to John Phillip Sousa marches and only on harmonicas.

10) Zeppeldorf’s Kosher Bakery on 2nd Avenue and East 6th Street in Manhattan has been producing hamentaschen for over a hundred years in the traditional flavors of prune, apricot, raspberry, and poppy seed. Inexplicably, their latest batch came out of the ovens with flavors of crab grass/lint, ketchup/shoe lace, wasabi/nail polish, and Silly Putty. Local rabbis are dumbfounded, concerned, and too agitated to safely perform a bris till further notice.

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SYBIL PREDICTS!!!... #51....

SYBIL PREDICTS!!!... yes, folks, it's that time again when I make my predictions for the New Year and those mysterious days lying ahead of us...

Prediction #51: In this next year, the cost of housing both for sale and rental will continue to skyrocket! As super-wealthy politicians like former Mayors Mike Bloomberg and Rudy Giuliani of NYC and most of the Republican Senators and Congressmen in Washington continue to ignore the crisis and even aggravate it, some innovative designers will create new alternatives for urban dwellers. Just because a modest one-bedroom apartment will rent for over $12,000 a month in a bad neighborhood doesn't mean that we won't be able to have some basic and even cute touches in our homes; for instance, your "kitchen" is actually an end-table in your living room?...why not this sleek Mini-Kitchen the size of an overnight case!? It makes every part of a delicious breakfast for you in minutes, and clean-up is a snap!

Of course, with a solution like this for kitchens, the logical step is that living rooms will be reduced to the size of a roll-on suitcase, bedrooms will be storage boxes, and a bathroom will be a Maxwell coffee can and a ladle. ...On the plus side though, there will be no more need for real estate agents! People will simply shop for their new apartments at Walmart! ...in the "Storage", "Travel", and "Grocery" aisles.... Your new home will all fit neatly into a single shopping cart! 

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SYBIL PREDICTS!!!... #49....

SYBIL PREDICTS!!!... yes, folks, it's that time again when I make my predictions for the New Year and those mysterious days lying ahead of us...

Prediction #49: In this next year, due to a worldwide famine, the Food Network will have to boost its sagging ratings by easing aside their regular stable of chefs in favor of more glamorous Hollywood stars! Stars with iconic pasts, great physical appeal, and perhaps just a touch of domestic neurosis!... especially during turkey carving, carrot dicing, and even clean-up time after chopping stuff!

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SYBIL PREDICTS!!!... #18....

SYBIL PREDICTS!!!... yes, folks, it's that time again when I make my predictions for the New Year and those mysterious days lying ahead of us...

Prediction #18: In this next year, food will become scarcer, and by next year, it will be considered very valuable!...and rare! Consequently, the scientific community will use all of its remaining resources and brain power to create small table-top time-machines at farmers markets, fresh produce stands, and urban cafes! For a fee, familiar food items from the past will be transported through the space/time continuum to the lucky buyer. Sadly, because the cost will be so prohibitive, any food brought into our dimension will immediately be varnished and framed for public viewing....NOT EATING! And only the rich will be able to avail themselves of this luxury!! Fresh Direct will become a branch of NASA, and every Whole Foods will be renamed BLACK-HOLE FOODS….

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SYBIL PREDICTS!!!... #7....

SYBIL PREDICTS!!!... yes, folks, it's that time again when I make my predictions for the New Year and those mysterious days lying ahead of us...

Prediction #7: In this next year, with growing interest in mass transit and the gradual disappearance of private vehicles, city bus design will become more and more streamlined. Indeed, with greater rider-ship, the buses will be made longer and longer, almost resembling futuristic rocket ships or ocean liners. By 2023, most city buses will be over 800' long, and commuters will simply board at one end, greet the driver, pay their fare, and then walk to the other end of the bus and "exit out the back please". Needless to say, this will save considerably on ANY fuel being used at all; and, with all the long-distance walking, the 21st century obesity and heart-disease issues will become a thing of the past!; a total Win-Win situation!!

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SYBIL PREDICTS!!!... #66....

SYBIL PREDICTS!!!... yes, folks, it's that time again when I make my predictions for the New Year and those mysterious days lying ahead of us...

Prediction #66: In this next year, with the oncoming famine, animals both domestic and in the wild will disappear. Tragically, trusting household pets will be the first to go. Formerly loving owners will first turn on their aquarium fish, reptiles, snakes, iguanas, then small and very cute rodents, then parakeets and the larger bird species, and finally dogs and cats! The heartbreak will rend society's very fabric. Families will be torn asunder. And the morals and basic laws of civilization will begin to vanish. For the few who can maintain their sanity in the face of all this loss, the creation of "Fashion-Accessories-As-Pets" will open new vistas for comfort and companionship. ..... By 2023, all Petland Discount Stores will be converted to Pradas.

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SYBIL PREDICTS!!!... #45....

SYBIL PREDICTS!!!... yes, folks, it's that time again when I make my predictions for the New Year and those mysterious days lying ahead of us...

Prediction #45: In this next year, people will still want some of the amenities of life, the basics, the simple joys! How many of us today want to go out into the world to find romance, or to spend a lovely weekend with a new and sexy friend?..or to even feel that WE'RE the cute young thing that's being stared at in the pick-up bar?...well, my friends, those very same urges will still be alive and well in the coming year! Sadly, with dwindling petroleum supplies and the diminishing manufacture of cosmetics, most people will turn to plastic surgery for more permanent changes in their appearance. But with the disappearance of a Middle Class, and increasingly desperate financial circumstances..... well, "Necessity Is The Mother Of Invention"....

Here we have four of Hollywood's most famous celebrities after their do-it-at-home facelifts... (clockwise from top right) Julianne Moore, Tom Hanks, Justin Timberlake, and Oprah Winfrey. ....Smart investors however will make fortunes with the 3M Corporation...

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SYBIL PREDICTS!!!... #24...

SYBIL PREDICTS!!!... yes, folks, it's that time again when I make my predictions for the New Year and those mysterious days lying ahead of us...

Prediction #24: In this next year in Asia, as all dogs and indeed every other kind of animal in both wild and domesticated species are eaten, humans will once again have to turn to cannibalism since they will be the only remaining thing to eat. More sophisticated diners will come up with a delightful new culinary treat!... Eating THEMSELVES! Festive evenings out at a fancy restaurant will entail picking which part of your anatomy you'd like the chef to prepare, and then enjoying a nice aperitif with friends before "dinner". And what a wonderful way to stick to your diet! The weight comes off every time you dine!....LITERALLY!!!...

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SYBIL PREDICTS!!!... #53....

SYBIL PREDICTS!!!... yes, folks, it's that time again when I make my predictions for the New Year and those mysterious days lying ahead of us...

Prediction #53: As the country's Middle and Working Classes gradually become a massive impoverished throng milling about in the suburbs, all creature comforts and entertainment will vanish. Flat screen televisions will be used as cheese boards for non-existent hors d'oervres and crackers made from leaves, twigs, and top soil. People will be forced to return to conversation, humming songs, and drawing pictures on cave walls. Of course, some intrepid souls may attempt to start up new companies that specialize in diversions like party games! Here, a woman living near Park Avenue tries to recreate all the fun of Jenga for a New Year's Eve get-together...

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SYBIL PREDICTS!!!... #32....

SYBIL PREDICTS!!!... yes, folks, it's that time again when I make my predictions for the New Year and those mysterious days lying ahead of us...

Prediction #32: In this next year, the Republican Party will continue to deceive and prey upon the working class and what little is left of a Middle Class... Because of climate change and the ensuing famine, the 1% will finally be literally dining on the bottom 99% of the populace....which means that if you make less than $500,000 a year, the 1% will think of you as "filet mignon", and serve you with a bottle of Petrus or a nice Chianti!.... Good “help” will still be hard to find...because the 1% will eat them as well too….as “flank steak”….

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