Sybil Bruncheon's "Tales & Tails"... Millie

Millie had started out as most urban kitties do, abandoned very early in life by a neglectful mother either too drunk or too busy with gentlemen-callers (or both!) to raise her litter properly.……Although Jacob Riis photographed her at one of the most dire times of her young life, Millie’s natural beauty shone through, and brought her enormous notoriety in all the gazettes of the day. Society matrons flocked to her neighborhood near the dank and dangerous slum known as Five Points in an attempt to “rescue” her and be seen as the “great philanthropists” that wealthy citizens found to be the most fashionable hobby.

Millie did indeed go on to a very comfortable life, but she nevertheless became an inveterate thief of people's personal property… It started out with small unimportant objects; pieces of string, a paper clip, rubber balls, coins, things left on dressing tables....You know the type! But then she began to raise the stakes… and the consequences. The police couldn't trace her crimes for years because there was no rhyme or reason to them... a rubber band on Monday would be followed by a $2000 earring on Wednesday. What she couldn’t carry off to her hide-aways, she’d simply knock off the edge of tables in an off-hand sort of way, usually when no one was looking, but sometimes right in front of them!

Finally, the authorities tracked her down...she had holed up in a seemingly abandoned paper bag….but her rustling gave her away. As they closed in, she leapt out at them in one final burst of surprise scaring the crap out of all of them. Yowling triumphantly, she escaped and was never really caught again...although there were reports for years that she could be seen lying on other people's desks, pillows, sweaters, bathmats, open romance novels, fashion magazines, dress patterns, gentlemen’s “French Calendars”... you get the idea. She could, on occasion, allow the unwary to scratch behind her ears and compliment her on her lovely whiskers as she did her bathing. Reportedly she was very well loved in spite of, and perhaps because of, her life of narcissism and mischief. …..She had private accounts at Luchow’s, Tony Pastor’s, "21", The Stork Club, The Russian Tea Room, The Rainbow Room, oh, all over..... Of course, she never paid her bills, but they kept seating her anyway…. And at the best tables!

She lived to the ripe old age of 22, although she lied about her age till the very end, claiming she was only 3 or 4. She might have lived longer, but she was killed in a motor car accident of her own making. Her friends had warned her not to drive herself, but she insisted, even though it was very difficult for her to see over the steering wheel of a Duesenberg, and a stolen one at that! She was laid to rest in a very expensive cigar thermidor of carved mahogany with her favorite lobster fork and a brass door knocker in the shape of a pineapple. Her many kitty friends delivered hours of eulogies in the alleyway behind Bergdorf’s …at the top of their lungs…. And the nice people at the Plaza Garden Court Café catered the luncheon… (Other diners were heard to complain about the yowling.)

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Tales & Tails"... SOON!

Pixie, a formerly friendly kitty who lived at 2242 Maple Grove Blvd. suddenly began having strange notions. Talking to herself, hiding cheap costume jewelry but leaving expensive items in place, eating vegetables but rejecting sardines and even caviar, trying on hats, lip sticks, etc., etc. Everyone noticed, but hoped it was all a passing phase...something that was quite innocent! It wasn't until that awful night in late November, when Pixie had taken down a cleaver from the cupboard and hid in the sheers in the parlor waiting for kindly old Matilda the housekeeper to meander by... and then the screams, the terrible screams.... the carnage!.... and then all the reporters prying, prying, prying into the crime, the photographers and the flashbulbs...and the scandal.... the shame of I.F.M.!!! (Inherited Feline Madness!!!). Look!!! There in the curtains!!! Behind you!! IT’S PIXIE!!!!! …oh God, NO!!! Pixie!.. NO!!!…

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Sybil Bruncheon's "People In Poetry"... page 91. ... "Dear Little Nancy on Voting Day!"...

Dear Little Nancy liked to skip and play.

Did she keep her Promises? No one could say.

Nancy said she’d register to VOTE and do her Duty.

But Mondays she always devoted to her day of Beauty.

Tuesdays are for visiting and chatting over Lunch!

Wednesdays are for Shopping and a large Rum Punch!

And don’t you know that Thursday’s a fine day to rest?

And then it’s time for Friday! Please don’t be a Pest!

Here it is the Weekend, and Friends have come to Town.

Time to have a Picnic and wear a Gingham Gown.

Day by Day and Week by Week, her Duty she’d forgotten.

And Folks began to gossip now, her Reputation rotten.

The months slid by, from Spring to Fall, her Duty ne’er remembered.

And finally it was Voting Day, the first Tuesday in November.

Dear Nancy came to the Polling Place, but was promptly turned away.

The nice Ladies there said, “Your name’s not here! You clearly mayn’t stay!”

But Nancy fussed and stamped her Feet and loudly made a Row!

“I care not what y’ say to me! I’ve come to VOTE right now!”

A nice Policeman passing by did seize her by her hair,

and swung her high around his Head and threw her through the Air.

She came down KOOOSH! upon the ground, some 20 feet or so.

An hour later she awoke, quite cross, and moaning low.

A kindly Lady passing by asked her what was wrong.

And Nancy told her Tale of woe, which really was much too long.

The Lady smiled and helped her up and invited her to tea.

“The polls are closed. You did not VOTE. You come along with me.”

They walked eleven miles or so, and down a Country lane,

And into woods so dark and deep. Then it began to rain.

Dear Nancy said that she was tired and longed to have a Rest.

The kindly Lady pointed to her Cottage on the Crest.

They tumbled in out of the rain to get so warm and cozy.

The House was sweet, and very clean and smelled of Spice and Posy.

“Now let me put a Kettle on, and you play with both my kitties.

Their names are Biff and Lancelot! Come along my little pretties!”

Nancy reached out to pet the Pair, but Biff gave her some Nips.

She pulled her bleeding Hand away, and Lancelot licked his lips.

She tried again to be a Friend and promptly got some Scratches.

The Lady then walked in the room and brought a box of Matches.

“I said before you did not VOTE! You did not pick a winner!

You did not do your Duty dear, and now you’ll be our Dinner!”.

The Lady lunged at Nancy then and gave her quite a Fright!

She grabbed her hem, and lit a match and set her dress alight.

Dear Nancy jumped and yowled so! Imagine her dismay.

It crossed her mind, “It’s Tuesday though! It’s Lunch and Visit day!”.

The flames leaped higher, higher then and burned her to a crisp

With little hissing “essing” sounds, (Nance always had a lisp!)

The Lady stuffed her full of peas, some carrots and a shallot.

Poor Nancy might have saved herself if she’d only cast a ballot.

She ended up inside their tummies, don’t think me too uncouth.

Just think how nice it might have been inside a Voting Booth.

Well that’s our tale of Nancy, dear. And Darlings, Please take note!

When Mummie says she loves you so, GO REGISTER AND VOTE!

(from SybilSez.com and Sybilbruncheon.com)

Sybil Bruncheon's NEW YEAR'S CELEBRATING: Before & After… A Cautionary “Tail”......

Oh, yes!! The party started out happily enough....a beautiful spread of delicacies, the right beverages, frisky music choices, festive party decorations, and games to play! But within an hour Melvin had grown bored and sullen. He began to reminisce about "missed mouse-opportunities" over the last 6 of his lives. Sulking, he slunk off to a corner and could not be cheered or engaged, either by a laser-pointer or a giant catnip toy shaped like Charlie the Tuna.

Gino, usually a big flirt on the back fence and always handy with a funny anecdote, descended into unwarranted bullying, face smacking, making stupid puns, and poking Melvin with his party hat. It only made Melvin sadder and he started yowling "The Legend of Billy McCaw" and miming sword fights with the curtains, which soon came down in a heap... causing more yowling, and even some spitting!

Big Clem, had started out the evening asleep in the chip bowl, and seemed content to remain there, snoring through all the drama… and the Fritos. But now, as the party became a nightmare, he added to the ruckus by snoring and FARTING... loudly.... and almost "musically", although it frightened most of the ladies present, and confused the guests over by the cheese tray.

And Handsome Herbie, always showing off his good looks and poise, ended up overindulging and vomiting into his hat!.... The whole evening basically "went to the dogs"!!

Please folks, use some sensible restraint tonight! Urge your cats to drink responsibly, or to assign a designated driver! DON'T let this happen to you!!! If you think you need help with YOUR unruly pussy, dial K-I-T-T-Y-K-A-O-S-S…that’s right, just dial 548-895-2677. The nice man will tell you how to order…or how to wrangle your cats.

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SYBIL PREDICTS!!!... #66....

SYBIL PREDICTS!!!... yes, folks, it's that time again when I make my predictions for the New Year and those mysterious days lying ahead of us...

Prediction #66: In this next year, with the oncoming famine, animals both domestic and in the wild will disappear. Tragically, trusting household pets will be the first to go. Formerly loving owners will first turn on their aquarium fish, reptiles, snakes, iguanas, then small and very cute rodents, then parakeets and the larger bird species, and finally dogs and cats! The heartbreak will rend society's very fabric. Families will be torn asunder. And the morals and basic laws of civilization will begin to vanish. For the few who can maintain their sanity in the face of all this loss, the creation of "Fashion-Accessories-As-Pets" will open new vistas for comfort and companionship. ..... By 2023, all Petland Discount Stores will be converted to Pradas.

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Sybil Bruncheon's TALES & TAILS!... NANNY PRUMBLE and her Kiddie Kollege......

Mrs. Fernanda-Marie Prumble had been widowed for over ten years when she made a decision. She had never had children herself, and her husband had been 18 years older than her (that’s 126 in human years), and she realized that her heart was too full of nurturing love to let it go to waste one more day. She had always been popular with neighbors’ children who came to spend the afternoon playing in her yard, listening to her stories, learning her nursery songs, and pretending to be burglars stealing her delicious cookies while she pretended to have her back turned not noticing! She was so well known in the neighborhood, that everyone nicknamed her “Nanny Prumble”, and that’s exactly what she became! She opened a school in her own home calling it Kiddie Kollege, and she oversaw every aspect of the care, feeding, education, and enrichment of her charges!… Children who came to her “academy” could expect to be tutored in history, geography, poetry, advanced mathematics, and literature with special attention on the classics; “My Friend Flicka”, “Charlotte’s Web”, “Black Beauty”, “Make Way For Ducklings”, “The Wind In The Willows”, “International Velvet”, “The Incredible Journey”, “Old Yeller”, “The Velveteen Rabbit”, and “Lolita”…

Everything went smoothly for years, all of her children growing and going off to school to be replaced by their younger brothers and sisters, generation to generation, until one particularly disturbing incident in a late afternoon in mid-Winter. The sun had already set as it does at that time of year, and the parents were due to pick up their young within an hour or so, when suddenly there was a crash of glass in one of the rooms off the main hall in Nanny Prumble’s home. The children screamed in terror, and Nanny Prumble ran into the playroom in time to see a large burly man with a surly manner lumbering through the smashed window in a dog-catcher’s uniform and cap and wielding a huge and very soiled grab-it net! He must have been 6’ 4” and weighed 240 lbs.!!! Nanny, being a terrier-mix, was very petite and couldn’t have weighed more than 12 lbs herself! But the “terrier” part of her so-called “mix” was the operative factor in what followed. Apparently, the fight lasted less than 3 minutes, according to the police…and the forensics experts.

The intruder, Mr. Filbert Fullers, a lower echelon civil servant in a neighboring town, had heard about the Kiddie Kollege, and had decided to spy on the property, finally making his move that fateful evening. He had climbed a hedge, raided her tool shed for a ladder, gotten through the window, and crossed about 12 feet into the room. Nanny Prumble had probably finished him off there but had dragged his mauled body into the front hall and was headed to the root-cellar, perhaps to bury him along with several old bones, some rubber balls, and a much-loved spiked collar that she had received from her college beau in the Westminster Obedience School. It turned out that humble and lovable Fernanda-Marie Prumble was actually from an exclusive family of rare Cпаржа-Hounds, a breed created and adored by both the Hohenzollern and Hapsburg dynasties. At a young age, she had escaped the international whirlwind and frantic pace of that “show-business” world, to live simply in the countryside with a nice older spaniel who wooed her with games of fetch, various chew-toys, and longing looks into her big brown eyes.

All of this came out in the newspapers along with extraordinary photographs of her with her many awards and prizes and parties with famous celebrities. Nanny Prumble was mortified, not only by all the attention, but also by what any formerly glamorous beauty would be; the passing of her youth, the public’s dismay at how she had changed, and of course the loss of her ready ability to catch a Frisbee in her mouth. She returned gratefully to the welcoming hearts of the children who loved her and their loyal and supportive parents and resumed her work with Kiddie Kollege. (postscript: All charges against her had been dropped, but the court DID request that, as part of her release, she add something to the cur-riculum at the school; HUMAN-ities….. “to give her students perspective and empathy for lesser species”. She complied, but with reservations. Nanny Prumble lived a long and very accomplished life. She died in her sleep at the age of 26….that’s a 182 in human years!)  

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